'Cause Love Is A Selfish Thing

Megan and Ashleigh were still avoidable when I made it into the house. This was for the best simply because I knew I should call Hadley before I talked to anyone else. I wanted to make sure that they had gotten home safe and also that the miracle dress was still perfect in her eyes. Wrapped in a cocoon of sheets, I grabbed my phone and automatically set to finding her number in my contacts. Just as I was about to tap on her name, the screen changed and the picture I had set as Alex's replaced what I had been looking at. He had only been gone for maybe five minutes, but he was already calling. Without hesitating, I hit the green button and held the phone to my ear.

"I miss you already, Goddamn it," Alex said the moment he knew I was listening. By the sounds in the background, I could tell that he was still driving. "You should just come with me. I can turn around right now and be there again in two minutes. We'll take a wonderful shower together and then be at my parents' by one," he proposed, planning it all out in only two quick sentences.

And it all sounded perfect, making my smile grow. "I wish I could. I have to help Hadley with more wedding shit though. Plus you know we can't just jump this on them. If anything bad happens between us in the next few weeks, God forbid, your mom is going to give us both Hell," I reminded him. Despite the latter problem, I still probably would have agreed to his suggestion. I wanted to go because I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of the day with him and to follow through with visiting his parents like I had promised months ago. It was my obligation to Hadley I couldn't turn away from. We didn't have anything set for today, but I had vowed to dedicate all my free time to helping her and knew we would have to go over everything from yesterday.

Alex sighed in realization and I knew he was pouting. "You're right. Nothing's going to go wrong," he promised for the both of us, and I nodded sharply in agreement though he couldn't see, "but she'd probably still give us a lecture." He knew we couldn't just show up together but that didn't stop him from hating the fact.

I hated it, too. "I'll talk to you tonight. And see you tomorrow," I pushed to make having to hang up easier. To know that we would see each other in twenty-four hours would make not spending all of today together better. "Love you." The words sent a trill through my veins.

When he responded, I could tell the pout had been replaced with an expression that had to match mine. "I love you, Clarke. Tomorrow. Prepare for epic things," he demanded joyfully.

With a soft snort, I promised that I would be ready for a day full of the two of us. We hung up after a few more cute and love-y words. I snuggled down into the bed, completely forgetting about calling my best friend for the time being. I was content to lie there for a while and think about the possibilities of tomorrow. I wanted to ignore the cold weather and walk around the town, coffees in hand. I wanted to see a movie with him, and sit in the back to talk about what was happening on screen like we always did. To go to dinner at any place we pleased, or even stay in to make something together and drink too much wine. No matter what he was already thinking up, I knew it was going to be just as good as what I was visualizing. It would all be simple for us.

When my phone rang again, I didn't even look to see who it was. I had a feeling it was him again, and I wasn't going to turn him down this time. By mid-afternoon, I wanted to be holding his hand again. I answered blindly while I turned over to face the windows and pressed my phone to my ear once more. "All right, all right. I miss you too much. I'll-"

"You miss me?" a voice completely different from Alex's wondered pleasantly, cutting me off from my words of comply. "I'm glad to hear that. I was worried you were mad at me after our last meeting. That's why I haven't called. But I was hoping you'd be over it in time for my homecoming tomorrow." Oliver was over explaining himself, talking too much about something that didn't matter to me at all.

I was sure I was hyperventilating. Then again, I wasn't breathing at all. I had wanted this problem to go away so badly that I was sure it really had. Maybe what I had wished for about him last night had come true. I don't know. Things were going so well that I believed something was bound to eliminate this asshole from my life. With the mere action of a phone call though, small dreams came crashing down. I had surely also messed things up by not seeing who was calling and blurting out what I had. "You- You're coming back to Baltimore tomorrow?" I croaked, managing to suck in enough air to get this out. I really just wanted him to tell me that he was lying.

He chose to ignore the way I sounded terrified, as he always did. I couldn't brush it off anymore that maybe he was just naive. "I am," he answered so happily that I could have easily expected he was drunk. "Does this mean you'll come and see me?" he questioned, somehow figuring everything was all right on my end.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, having to do so several times before my breathing was no longer obstructed. It didn't feel any better to get air into my lungs. "I have to uh, work," I replied, having trouble raising my voice to a normal level. I wasn't stalling and I wasn't lying. I had simply forgotten about having to do anything that didn't involve Alex. Now I was glad tomorrow was a Monday, that work would take over my life for another five days.

"After then! I don't get in until about four anyway. I'll make us dinner," he suggested like I had given a hint that it would be a good idea. He sounded like his normal self, like the man I had met in the first place. I had fallen for that before though and had come out on the other side worse for wear. If I agreed this time because he didn't sound like the bad tempered side of himself, where would I have a bruise after it all?

But I couldn't flat out reject him either. The threat he had left me with last time rang through my head. I wouldn't overlook it now. If I told him that I never even wanted to hear his name again, what would he do? Would he do something to me? I couldn't even think of the possibility. Even though he had hurt me twice, I couldn't foresee it getting any worse than that. Would he assume though that I was back with Alex, which I would be? I had never said anything about Alex being in music, and yet Oliver had known. If he thought I was with Alex, would Oliver find out more about him and do something to him? There were too many negative outcomes to this that the positives were buried so far underneath. My head was reeling and I was having a tough time coming up with an answer. "Tomorrow- Tomorrow's just not going to w-work," I stuttered, and knew it didn't mean I was off the hook. He never took no for an answer.

"Well, I don't want to have to wait until Friday," Oliver said. It was the kind of statement that should be said glumly, but his jubilant mood didn't waver. I felt that he had no right to be in a mood I had shared all day long with the one person I loved. It was questionable how to break him of it without pissing him off though. "We'll work something out, I guess," he went on.

Slowly, I could feel my eyes stinging with tears I didn't want to shed. I didn't want to be scared by only the thought of having to see him. This was not something that deserved to be cried over. "Y-yeah. Sure," I agreed because nothing else came to mind. I would have given anything to fix this malfunction.

He told me he would call again tomorrow to plan something and when he slipped in sweetheart, I hung up before he could say anything else. He would surely chalk it up to a bad connection, so I didn't worry. I shoved my phone under the pillow next to me and resisted the urge to press my face into the one beneath my head to scream. I couldn't find a way to save myself from this. And my worst realization was coming to mind, forcing the tears I had pushed back while I was on the phone to spill over. They didn't come quickly, but they probably would if I continued to think about the thoughts pounding in my skull. I couldn't see Alex tomorrow or do any of the things I had imagined. I didn't think I could even see him ever again, and that thought alone made my stomach knot. I was so worried about what could happen to him if I ignored Oliver for him. I didn't want Alex to get caught up in any of this and I especially didn't want him to get physically hurt. The only way I could think to prevent this was to do as I had done when I had left him months ago. Thinking about it was just as hard as going through with it was going to be.

I sucked in a deep breath, holding it in my lungs until it burned. When I let it out, I managed to get rid of the thoughts and stop crying at once. I dragged my hands across my face to scrub away the tears that would be hard to remove mentally. I sprung out of the bed then and began to gather the food Alex had stolen from the kitchen so I could bring it back. It took a lot not to drop it all and say fuck it to what I'd just determined and drive to Alex's immediately. I was surprised when my legs carried me to the kitchen instead of the front door.

"Have a morning feast?" Ashleigh giggled when she saw me hauling everything in my arms. She slid a sheet of paper across the countertop when I stopped next to her so I could set it all down. "It appears as if you had an extremely good night," she speculated with a hint of suggestiveness and a small wink. She apparently couldn't see my puffy eyes.

I didn't say anything or move to put anything in it's proper place right away. Instead, I pulled the paper toward me, having recognized the handwriting on it at once. He had chosen what looked to be an old class syllabus that Meg had left lying around. He had stuffed his writing into the margin.

Took some grapes, granola bars, Pop-Tarts, peanut butter, Cheerios, someone's Kit-Kats, and a bunch of other shit Clarke promises she'll replace for you guys.
This was mostly my idea, sorry. Alex.

The messy words brought a smile to my face and made my heart clench all the same. I folded the paper carefully and slipped it into the pocket of my pajama shorts. "Yeah, it was a… nice night," I finally told Ash, choosing my words cautiously. She may have been suggestive but I felt the need to show some modesty. Automatically, I began shuffling food back into the cupboards so I didn't voice how it was unfortunately over.

"So that was Alex's car in the driveway? He's Kara's old friend, right? How long have you guys been seeing each other?" She asked the questions casually, but still too quickly for me to get a word in edgewise.

I decided to go with the final one, simply to be able to answer something to satisfy her. "On and off since high school," I stated. The words sounded like a reflex, like I was asked this all the time. I couldn't stop from sounding like a robot though if I was going to have to keep talking about the person I was going to be forbidding myself from seeing. "What's Meg up to?" I asked, changing the subject as swiftly as I could. I had just stuffed the grapes back into their drawer in the fridge and was leaning against the door.

"She has a paper due tomorrow, so she's intensely researching so she can finish it," Ashleigh informed me with a chuckle. She seemed to be purposely overlooking my disheveled state that was surely poking through. It could just be added to the list of things I liked about my roommates.

I nodded in acknowledgement, but had no plans of commenting. "Well, I have a few things to do today so I probably won't be around. Do you want me to pick up take out or something later?" I pondered, figuring it would be a nice gesture. I had no appetite now and was predicting it wouldn't come back in time to eat with them. I was going to try my hardest to overlook all of my feelings today.

I didn't hear exactly what she said, but it sounded something like That'd be great! I nodded again when her words, muffled in my head, met my ears before turning around to head back to my room. My clothes from last night were still strewn across the floor and I kicked them into a pile next to a laundry basket. I avoided the lump of denim crumpled between the door frame and the dresser. I wasn't sure what to do with Alex's jacket that he had put on me last night just like I didn't know what to do with the cardigan I was wearing now.

With a sigh, I set to getting dressed. I didn't feel the need to put much effort into it; some leggings and a long sleeve knit dress just to hide my shoulder were as much as I felt like pulling on and just because they were easy. I put my hair into a ponytail that hung over my shoulder without even looking in a mirror and ignored all of my makeup. Grabbing a scarf to wrap around my neck, I went to head out my door once more. But I couldn't do that without passing the jacket. Another sigh and I bent down to pick it up, slipping my arms into the sleeves.

I called goodbye to the girls right before walking out the front door and was then on my way to Hadley's. I was glad I hadn't done my makeup because I couldn't stop a few trickling tears. Oliver was seriously more trouble than he was ever going to be worth, but I was so afraid to distance myself from him. I couldn't come up with any solutions no matter how furiously I tried while I drove. It was pointless to even think that I could turn my back on what I had already decided. I only wanted Alex to stay out of it. I would figure something out for myself later.

I parked behind Kim's car, surprised some that she was still here. Mostly that Hadley was still putting up with her. I didn't bother knocking like I never did and was greeted by a collision to the knees. Daniel, appearing extra excited to see me, begged to be picked up and told me where his parents could be found once he was on my hip. He let out a yawn while we headed down the hall, making me suspect that maybe he had convinced his aunt to let him stay up late. I didn't think too much about it though because it triggered my own yawn and reminded me how I hadn't slept at all.

"Shut your mouth!" I heard Hadley joke when I entered her and Marshall's bedroom. Daniel giggled in my arms at his mother, squirming to get down so he could go sit on the bed with his parents. They looked to have just woken up, Marshall still even lying down with his arm over his eyes. "When did you get here?" my best friend inquired, snuggling her son close to her.

"Just now. Where's Kim?" I asked, hoping she wasn't in that bed somewhere too. I could tell hangovers were taking place and my sense of humor wasn't being spoiled by what I was going through.

"In the kitchen," Hadley replied, chuckling again because she had obviously heard the amused uncertainty in my voice. She kissed Daniel and let him go, watching him jump on his father's stomach. Marshall grunted but lifted his arm from his face, laughing, and pulled the boy down to tickle him. Too busy smiling at the sight, I didn't notice Hadley coming my way until she latched onto my arm. "What happened to you last night?" she demanded once we were out in the hall again. "One minute you were watching everyone play pool from the other room and then you were gone."

A blush crept over my cheeks even though I was positive she hadn't seen anything. "Oh yeah. I uh… I um… Alex?" I tried a little hopelessly. I didn't want to divulge this story, mostly because of the giant smile it was bringing to my face. I wanted it to stay a secret only between him and I, something that would make me instantly happy to think about it. I was sure I would need something like that to get me through any encounters with Oliver. Hadley wouldn't let me get away with keeping it to myself though, not after hearing Alex's name roll off my lips like he was water in a desert for me. She shook me some to try and get an explanation out of me. "...We went to my place. We spent the night together," I said after a bit more silence, giving her the bare minimum.

She was so close to squealing that I wanted to press my hands over my ears. Something crossed over her face though and she calmed automatically. "This wasn't like last time, was it? He left you to pick up the pieces again, didn't he?" Now she was on the edge of seething. She didn't know who to be mad at, I could tell. I was always to blame somewhere in there, and she would have trouble forgetting it.

"He didn't leave me until he had to," I assured her, only wanting her to lose her anger. "He was there all morning. We didn't talk things over but-" A lump built up in my throat, tightening around my words as they came out. "But we got back together," I finished, attempting to make it sound level. I didn't think I prevailed. I never wanted to tell her about the trap I was stuck in and wasn't sure how to tell her why I was so upset. I settled on, "Things are complicated though. I don't know if it's going to work." I clenched my eyes shut and when I opened them again, she was staring at me in disbelief.

She blew out a frustrated sigh, but took my arm again to lead me forward. "I want to badger you about why this is complicated. But if there's one thing I've learned about you over all these years, it's the signs you show when you really don't want to talk about something. Normally, I just like to ignore them and force it out of you," she admitted with a shrug. We were outside the kitchen threshold now, and she stopped so we could leave Kim out of the conversation. "But I can imagine it's gotten to be too much to relay all the misgivings between you two. I'm not going to make you tell me today. I hope I get to hear it sometime though so I can help to fix it. I'm pulling for you two, as I always have," she told me, squeezing my arm gently.

I smiled at her in thanks, not sure I could get words out. When my eyes cleared and the lump impairing my speech was gone, I brushed my bangs out of my face. "Let's get to work," I proposed, and let her bring me into the kitchen. I knew she was okay with my sudden change of subject because she made no protest and grinned lightly at me.

Kim and I greeted each other pleasantly as I sat down. She was already busy, copying addresses down next to each name on the guest list. I hoped Hadley was going to be able to decipher the small, curlicue handwriting because I didn't think I could. Kim was in a whirlwind of planning though and sucked Hadley and I up in it. I liked to have something to keep my mind occupied for a while. I wasn't even exactly positive what I had in front of me to get done, but I was thankful for it. And when my phone began vibrating on the table with Alex's name flashing on the screen, I pushed myself even harder to finish it.