'Cause Love Is A Selfish Thing

The following week was rough, one that I would trade for any other in my life. Most of it was only mentally preparing for the imminent encounter with Oliver. But there was also the attempts to keep my mind off Alex, made harder by the calls and voicemails he was leaving me each day. The moments I caught the phone ringing, I had to stop myself from picking it up and answering. If not to apologize profusely and try to get back on his good side, then to simply listen to his voice in the moment rather than after he had hung up to let the voicemail finalize. I wasn't sure what I was doing when all I had wanted was waiting with open arms. But I couldn't stop thinking, rationalizing that I was only giving myself more time to do just that. I was coming up with the same results each time. So I was also ignoring Oliver's attempts at contact as often as I could, answering only a few times. Avoiding him though was just to give the hickeys on my neck enough time to fade because I knew he wouldn't look too kindly on them. I refused to let the love bites influence my decision by thinking I would like to let Alex give me more.

Unlike most of the other times I was stressed and distraught, I was sleeping. All I wanted to do was sleep, and I was constantly tired no matter how long I slept each night. At first, I blamed it on the lack of sleep during the night with Alex. But after walking around in a stupor for two days, I decided that wasn't the problem. It was a good thing coffee was my best beverage friend because caffeine was what I was living on to keep myself going.

It brought me back to Oliver though, and I wondered if passing out as if I had narcolepsy would get me out of seeing him. Considering the problems with him were probably what was causing me to drag, I didn't think it would get me out of a damn thing. Thinking about it had brought me way passed dread and whatever this fear could be called made me even more tired. It took all week for me to come to terms with the fact that it had to happen, for me to get rid of the knots in my stomach and calm down. I couldn't sit there and be terrified about this forever. I knew if I just kept my mouth shut, gritted my teeth at the absolute worst times, then I would be left unscathed. If I wanted to keep at least some of my dignity, I knew I couldn't be submissive forever but it was hard to think too far ahead.

Would anyone really be able to blame me? I was dead on my feet and planning was a difficult task.

When Friday rolled around, I wasn't looking forward to the weekend like I had the last. I was no longer nervous or scared but a dull anger was set off. I knew that sometime this weekend I would have to see Oliver's face and that it would turn the anger into me being pissed off. I went through the day taking deep breaths, hoping I would be able to apply the same action to future situations. If I couldn't, I could at least make myself lightheaded and delirious.

I had to force myself to head to Hadley's after work rather than my own. I was sure my bed had developed a voice and was calling my name across town. Then again, I had wanted to be delusional and figured that maybe I had just gotten my wish. Having to keep myself from going in the opposite direction left me no will power to hold in a sigh as I climbed out of my car. I pressed my knuckles of my free hand into my closed eye as I walked through the front door, hoping to fight back the fatigue. The house was quiet when I closed the door behind me and I had to look at the clock once I'd dropped my hand back to my side. There was still at least a half hour until Marshall got home, but Hadley should have been at the coffee table with her laptop open in front of her.

I dropped my purse into the chair adjacent from the couch and headed down the hall. Since Daniel hadn't come running, I guessed he was in his room and thought maybe Hadley would be in there with him. When I peeked in and saw no signs of either them, I growled some in frustration at having to play hide-and-seek without any hints. I shuffled back down the stairs, deciding that maybe they were in Hadley's room. At the end of the hall, I pushed the door open to see her lying in bed with Daniel napping next to her.

"What gives? I've been searching this entire place for you," I exaggerated, hands firmly on my hips in an attempt to get her to pity me for something that didn't call for pity. I needed it for something if I wouldn't tell her any of my real problems.

"I'm dying," she moaned, bringing my attention to her face. I hadn't properly looked at it before. Her hair was tangled and partially obscuring her face. What wasn't hidden was covered in a sheen of sweat and looked overly flushed. Her nose was red and her voice let me know it was probably stuffed as well. "I am dying, that's what gives," she whined, rolling onto her side so that she could smash her face into the pillow.

Automatically, I went to step closer to her. But she was clearly sick and I wasn't sure how near I wanted to get with her being contagious. From a few feet away, I eyed Daniel curled up on Marshall's side of the bed and wondered if he would be getting sick, too. "Do you have the flu?" I questioned, slightly lost for words. I didn't know how to take care of people when they were sick, mostly because I would always fend for myself when I was sick. I braved getting closer, sitting on the edge of the bed and petting her hair.

She shook her head, face still hidden by the pillow. "No, I'm dying. Haven't you been listening?" she tried to snap out of the corner of her mouth so the words wouldn't be muffled. "It figures. I find the perfect dress and get so close to finishing everything for the wedding, and I get sick and die like I'm an eighteenth century bride," she complained, finally turning her head enough and pushing her hair back to look at me.

"You're not going to die. Because here in the twenty-first century, we have vitamin C tablets and cough syrup and other wonderful drugs to make you feel great. I'll run to the store and get you enough to make you trip until Wednesday," I promised, shooting up again. "I'll be back in an hour, and then you'll be all better," I announced and took a step toward the door.

"Will you take Daniel with you, please? I really don't want him to have to lie here with me longer than he has to just to catch this," she practically begged, turning her head to look at her son but was only able to strain her neck enough to stare at the ceiling. She let out a sigh, quickly sucking a breath back in since she couldn't breathe through her nose.

I had spun around when she asked, and I found it hard to follow through right away. I bit my lip while I studied the form of the sleeping little boy. It wasn't that I was worried about taking him along or even that I was afraid of waking him up. Hadley was sure he wasn't sick but that didn't mean he hadn't already caught it or wasn't contagious. I just desperately didn't want to get sick, but I also didn't want to deny her such a simple request. Pretending like I hadn't hesitated, I paced to the other side of the bed and gently lifted him into my arms. He didn't even stir. "One hour. I'll be back and then we'll let the curing begin," I assured her as I walked out the door. She grunted something that sounded grateful.

Daniel didn't wake until we were already halfway down the road. He seemed to be taking a page from my book as of late, completely oblivious to being strapped into his car seat and my curses when I realized it was a lot harder to get the seat into my car with him in it. When he did wake up though, he was excited at the prospect of our little adventure. He instantly asked if I would let him look at toy section of wherever we were going. I made the promise, but was sure the scene would be much more limited than what he was hoping for.

My obvious choice for a task like this would have been a drug store and there was one on what I was sure was every block. Somehow because I needed to go to one though meant that each and every one was closed for the evening. I would have hit the steering wheel in anger if it hadn't been for the fact that there were plenty of other stores to get what Hadley needed. And at least Daniel would have aisles of glamorous toys to marvel at. This was the one thing he was most pleased with when I finally parked. If he would have been older than three, he would have dragged me into the store by his tiny hand. The moment we walked through the doors though, I brought the both of us to a quick stop. Daniel was complaining as best as a child could, but I was focused completely on the person that had passed us fifty feet away. The beanie was all I needed to let me know that it was Alex because it was the same one he had been wearing the other night.

"Let's look at toys first," I suggested to the little boy, simply because the section was in the complete opposite direction from which Alex was headed. Daniel was too young to even know I would have ulterior motives though and happily led the way.

I usually still saw the thrill in toys, and mostly exactly what he liked at his age. To be honest, I was slightly more enamored with the display of Lego than he was and read each box carefully while watching him from the corner of my eye. Apparently, I got too caught up in the excitement of one with way too many pieces for a child and directions that had to be absurd. I should have heard the other person now sharing the aisle with us.

"'Lex!" Daniel exclaimed, so jubilant that the first letter of the name got lost in the rush to get it out. His small sneakers slapped against the gleaming tile floor as he ran down to the other end of the aisle and my head snapped up to see who waited there.

I didn't need to actually see. If the name hadn't been enough, his voice getting Daniel's attention had broken through my concentration without me realizing it. Barely even thinking about it, I dropped the box in my hand back onto the shelf and took two steps forward to snatch the little boy into my arms. There was nothing wrong with him wanting to see Alex, but I felt that it would be better for myself if I put him between us. I didn't know what to say, especially since I had just abruptly picked Daniel up during his effort to run across the aisle. So the only thing I could get out when Alex closed the distance between the three of us was, "Hi." I sounded like he had during every attempt to talk after we'd first broken up.

He obviously had something else on his mind, and I wasn't going to hold it against him. It was on my mind, too, but I didn't know where I stood on it. "You've been ignoring me," he observed immediately. He didn't sound hurt and he didn't look away from me nervously. He simply smiled at Daniel's efforts to squirm out of my grasp. "I just want to know why. Everything was so perfectly back in place the last time we talked," he continued when I said nothing.

I wanted to sigh but thought it would sound like I was overly bored with this subject. "I can't talk about this right now. I have to get back to Hadley." Which was true. "I will not discuss things like this here, not while I have him with me," I said firmly, hoisting Daniel higher on my hip since he had slid down while trying to escape. I didn't have to think too much to know that I really would have liked to let him down so I could throw my arms around Alex's neck and kiss him. No talking, as I had said. Only kissing to let him know I'd been stupid, that I was always stupid.

He didn't see this in my eyes because he leaned close to Daniel, which I was thankful for. "What do you think, buddy? You want Aunt Clarke and Uncle Alex to get back together, don't you?" he asked in a stage whisper, glancing up at me a few times.

Daniel was nodding enthusiastically when I finally let him down again. That was simply to cover the shiver that had run down my spine at hearing our names put together like that. The toys were more interesting to him now that he had gotten his answer out and he ambled to the cars across from us, to my relief. "Do you have to bring him into this? He doesn't even understand we're broken up," I scolded, crossing my arms over my chest. This was probably a bad move because it brought attention to the fact that I was wearing his jacket.

"So we're still broken up? I imagined everything that happened the other morning to lead me to believe that we were all right again?" he wondered, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jeans. For a moment, I could do nothing but stare at him. The red and purple in his shorter hair glinted in the lights that were so much brighter than the lamp in my room. His brown eyes weren't sad but confused and nearing annoyance the longer I waited. His stance was vulnerable and he swayed almost imperceptibly back to front out of nervousness he was doing well to hide.

"We are all right again," I told him exasperatedly, hoping it had only been a second or two since he had spoken. I almost threw my arms out to land back at my sides, but knew that would emphasize what I was wearing. "There's just… Something is going on that I can't explain and I couldn't tell you even if I had words to do so. I'm being selfish again, but it's because I don't want you to get hurt more in the long run," I blurted, so surprised with myself for sharing as much as I just had. I looked over at Daniel as if he could help me shove the words back in. But that was impossible and he was still distracted by colorful vehicles that fit in his hand. Now I did sigh because I hated myself for letting things get out of control.

"You can't even try?" Alex inquired, bringing my attention back to him. I shook my head morosely. I couldn't even imagine what his immediate action would be if I told him I was keeping myself from him because I was afraid of another man. "I can't make you, then." He sighed now, too. "I am the only one of us still in this, aren't I?" he wondered pessimistically, his gaze going to whatever display of toys took up the space next to us.

Holding back after seeing that expression wasn't going to work anymore. I reached out to touch my fingertips to his arm. "Not at all, Alex. I'm so sure of us. I told you the truth about what I want in the future. You, you, and you." I took a deep breath, searching his eyes for the explanation I needed when he turned them back to mine. Even though nothing was written in them, they managed to help me fall back into the calm state I had put myself in for a completely different situation. "I made what turned out to be a bad decision while we weren't speaking. I want to fix it so you don't have to get caught up in it. You're the one thing I'm considering in all of this," I affirmed, hoping he would understand even though I was providing almost nothing to make sense of.

I wasn't sure what I expected him to say. Mostly I figured he wouldn't have anything to make a comment with thanks to my poor explanation. He removed his hands from his pockets at last and enveloped me in a hug before I could even think about what he was doing. It was instantly easy to decide that this was way better than anything he could have replied with. "I hate this. But only because you feel like you have to cut me out of your life completely. If there's something you can't tell me, then don't tell me. I think there's been enough time in this relationship where we didn't talk. And if we're on good terms, then I went to be able to hear your voice as often as possible," he said, and kissed the top of my head.

My arms had snaked around his torso the moment his had gone around me. I pulled myself closer to him now, my hands pressed to his back just to remind myself that I really did have a hold of him. "I'm sorry," I finally stated, and could have kicked myself for not expressing it already. "Can we just… have what we had after you came back into my life? Only for a while, so I can get things figured out." I knew a while was subjective and it would be difficult to make it last longer than a week. This one had been long enough.

I felt him nod. "Being friends is better than having to wonder about you all the time. Not talking to you isn't right. It gets me all flustered and shit," he chuckled, smiling down at me as I pulled away. He didn't even flinch when I hit his chest lightly and scolded him for swearing in front of Daniel. He only laughed more and pulled me to him again quickly to kiss me. "I'm going to call you while I'm in Europe and you're gonna answer," he demanded lightly, giving me a pointed look to let me know he was serious.

I nodded in response, trying my best to convey that this was something I was going to do. He was right that it was better to be speaking than have nothing at all. "Here," I said, remembering something. I shrugged off the jacket and held it out to him. Like I knew he would, he refused it politely and insisted I keep it. "It's warm out today. I'll be perfectly fine without it. It's your favorite jacket though and I know you wouldn't leave for any other tour without it," I reminded, feeling rather smug at pointing this out. Even more so when he gave in and put it on.

"I really don't want to say goodbye. But Rian's around here somewhere and he's going to be pissed if he has to pay for all of my cup noodles," Alex sighed again, but smirked at the thought of Rian buying food that he would never dream of eating.

"Well, I need to get cold medicine. Ri's bound to be somewhere in the middle, so want to walk us over there?" I suggested hopefully. With a smile that I loved more than anything, he nodded in agreement. The both of us beckoned to Daniel, who held my hand again while we headed to the other side of the store. There weren't any more words about how messed up our relationship was. I was looking forward to being on good terms again, even if we weren't together and there were other things that weren't as easy to face.