'Cause Love Is A Selfish Thing

Surprisingly, I found that I could make the following days fall into somewhat of the same routine. After I left work meant the necessary hour or two with Oliver, whether we spent it at his apartment or out where he would admittedly show me off, maybe just to let people know that I was in perfect working order. Then it would be to Hadley's or wherever we had planned to meet for the day for dress hunting for Kim and I or cake tasting or whatever else it was we had left to do. The day always ended with going home to talk to Alex if it wasn't too late. I left out the questions that would piss Oliver off, resisting even the strongest urges to run out on him again, and didn't have to worry about Hadley springing something else on me. The better parts of my days balanced out those few hours that I hated, so I couldn't even say I hated the routine. My life was shockingly quiet for the first time in over a year. It was hard not to fear that this might simply be the calm before the storm because I had gotten so used to thunder. But I was going to take whatever came because I had chosen everything to be the way it was and knew I had to take the consequences as well, whatever they may be.

For now, everything was fine. I wasn't sure I had ever used that word to describe how I lived. Things were usually mediocre or fantastic on the positive end of the spectrum. Other people could surely live with fine. I was certainly tricking myself into believing it while I had to deal with it. Fine was… well, fine, and I wasn't complaining. So I was content with continuing my routine until it was broken.

I still hated driving with Oliver, mostly because he insisted on being the one behind the wheel. Since I had gotten used to actually driving again, it was weird to trust anyone else bringing me anywhere. He was the worst to do this, putting me completely on edge. When I could get a word in edgewise, I had to be extra careful of what those words were. I had no clue how far he would go. So it wasn't a surprise that my jaw ached from clenching it shut or that my fingertips had imprints in them of the seat's fabric from holding on so tightly. Stopping for anything, including gas, was a relief when I was so stressed and I could let out a hefty sigh when he got out of the car.

I let my head drop back against the headrest, staring straight out of the windshield. The sunny day seemed to mean that everyone wanted to be out. Watching them all coming in and out of the convenience store to keep from falling into another unnecessary anxiety attack made me almost miss my phone ringing. With a quick glance at who it was after extracting it from my purse, I answered with a better mood than I'd been in. "JB! To what do I owe this pleasure?" I asked him, skipping a hello altogether. I very nearly demanded that he come and save me, but I knew that he wasn't home as well as that he wasn't aware of my problem. But I remembered just as I told myself that I was dealing with things as they were. I was happy he had called though and calmed down in my seat.

Jack laughed on the other end of the line, clearly amused by my enthusiasm. "I'm not allowed to just randomly call my best friend?" he questioned, feigning hurt.

"Nope, you aren't. Who ever said I was your best friend?" I shot back jokingly. From the corner of my eye, I saw Oliver finally come out of the store to fill the tank. I shifted in my seat some so that my knee was against the center console and I couldn't see him anymore. "I just haven't heard from you in a while. I thought maybe you forgot I existed or something. I've been crying all the time because I thought you hated me," I went on, making my voice sound thick and overly pitiful. I could have won an award for bad acting.

Jack was still chuckling. "That's because I really do hate you. But I also miss you and thought, 'Goddamn it, Jack. It's time to call Clarke!' So here we are, and I think it was a good decision," he announced, sounding rather pleased by his choice. It made me smile to be reminded that Alex wasn't the only one that missed me when they were away. "So what's up? And don't give me boring, bullshit answers because they are not conversation material and I know you are not boring," he claimed.

I snorted lightly. He knew me as well as Alex or Hadley. Of course my normal answer would be something that didn't require explaining. "Well, my life is basically Hadley's wedding anymore. I'm actually meeting with her later to make sure there's nothing around the venue that you can break," I teased, but made a mental note to do just that when I was with Hadley at the Gramercy. "How's tour? You're gonna be home soon, aren't you?" I added, having completely forgotten until now that they were coming back to the states. I tried not to think about what else that meant.

"Nah. Everyone else will be in Maryland. But it's back to LA for me and then Vegas for a day before you and I get to reunite for our epic friendship," he replied, his mood completely changing. "There was actually some advice I was hoping you could give me. It's not the main reason I called, but it would help," he said, obviously hoping I wouldn't get mad at him for having another reason to call.

I was always more than willing to help my friends than I was myself, so I told him to continue and we could get everything solved for him. It didn't hurt that Oliver had slid into the driver's seat once more and I now had a reason to not listen to him blundering on about nothing. With Jack's problem in my knowledge, I tried to give the best advice I could. I could only hope that I succeeded in helping. I had had somewhat of the same trouble he was currently having, but I didn't think my experience exactly matched if I looked back on the choice I had made with it. He was thankful though and we hung up with a promise to eliminate the length of time we'd accidentally established between calling each other. I found myself grinning again as I placed my phone back in my purse and barely cared that Oliver felt like he should ask who I had been speaking with. "Just a friend that needed some relationship advice," I answered truthfully, simply leaving out precisely who it was.

He smiled, seeming to like the idea that I was aiding someone with their relationship. I shuddered to think that this was because he thought our nonexistent one was so perfect. "So where to? We haven't eaten yet and there's this great Italian place that opened up across town," he insisted, once again not replying to what I had said and not really wanting to hear if I had a suggestion.

I shook my head to keep from grinding my teeth. "I have to meet Hadley in half an hour. So back to your place, I think. To get my car," I affirmed simply so he didn't think I was going to stay for any length of time. It had been a month of spending a couple hours each day with this man and I still couldn't find any reason to want to. Maybe it was because I had already decided I hated him -for my understandable reasons- that made me despise everything he did at any given second. Whatever it was, I was okay with it because I was okay with not liking him.

He nodded but I could tell he wasn't too happy with having to cut the evening short. "That's right," he blurted after a moment after a moment as if he'd suddenly remembered. "You're going to check out the wedding venue! Speaking of the wedding, I still haven't gotten my invitation," he pointed out, his tone making me expect a tsk tsk at the end of his words.

Faster than I thought possible, a lie formed for me to pick right off the top of my head. "That's because we haven't finished filling them out! I'm doing the last batch during lunch tomorrow, and I'll bet yours is in there," I assured him. I sounded cheery and promising, but I was trying to keep myself from sounding incredulous. In actuality, he would never be receiving an invitation. Hadley had never even met him to want to have him there, even if she knew that I was still seeing him and he believed he was my boyfriend. I especially did not want him there and if I found myself still stuck in this mess by then, I was going to lose it.

"Looking forward to it then," Oliver stated, shooting me another smile. "I'll save the date and be ready to be your date."

This caused me to choke on my own saliva, spluttering to get my throat unobstructed again. I hadn't even thought about the fact that he would want to be my date, and that was probably thanks to my naivety. He was asking if I was all right, offering me a bottle of water I wasn't even sure he had. But I waved him off, trying desperately to find the solution to getting away from him permanently, right this moment. My coughing subsided after a minute but not before my phone began going off again, this time with a new text. I pulled it out of my purse and coughed once more before I could read it.

"What movie are we watching tonight?" Alex had asked.

I smiled, and welcomed the slight flutter in my gut. I had planned on suggesting we nerd out tonight and watch a few episodes of Rocko's Modern Life because I thought we both could use a laugh while reminiscing with something I knew we both watched when we were kids. I went to unlock my phone to tell him that I had found a place to watch it online, but the car jerked to a stop. My phone nearly flew out of my hand, my fingertips just barely catching the corner. "What the hell?" I demanded sharply, turning to Oliver to see why we just potentially caused a pile up.

The expression on his face was one that made me want to take my words back. He was staring out the windshield and his knuckles were white with the intensity of his grip on the steering wheel. "You're still hanging out with your ex?" he inquired through clenched teeth.

My eyes bulged at the realization that he had read the text while I was recovering from what he had last said. Before I answered, I looked around for any means of escape. Somehow, I had been way too caught up in lying to notice that we had made it back to his apartment. My car was only a few feet away from where we were haphazardly parked. "He's not home to hang out with. And even if he was, we're friends. It doesn't matter if we want to watch a movie together," I told him, letting him know that he had no say whatsoever about who I was friends with. Of course, I probably wouldn't be able to only sit and watch a movie with Alex as just friends. But Oliver didn't need to know that.

"I don't think he's good for you, Clarke. You should seriously consider not talking to him anymore!" he exclaimed. I was shocked to hear that he was trying to restrain his anger, that disbelief shined through more.

Maybe that's why I took the chance to yell back, "Alex is the best person I know! No one could be better for me in any way, especially you. And I will not let you sit here and talk shit on him when you clearly do not know him." It was always when I was most proud of how assertive my words sounded that I ended up regretting them. The moment him left my lips, my cheek was stinging. A crack ringing in my ears was the only thing keeping me from thinking about regretting facing him to lecture him as well. My own hand shot up to cover the spot where Oliver had slapped me and I realized my mouth was hanging open. "And this is exactly why," I stated calmly, and then pushed my way out of the car as fast as I could.

I didn't run to my car and I didn't stumble to it out of shock. I focused on the sound of my shoes on the blacktop and prayed that he wasn't following after me. I slid into my car, throwing my bag to the passenger seat the second my keys were gripped in the hand opposite my phone. I wasn't freaking out, not even now that I was alone. I didn't spare his car a glance to see if he was still there as I pulled away. I knew I should be fuming, maybe even crying from the pain radiating from my cheek. I pushed it all away though, remembering my phone in my hand. I skipped right passed Jack's number at the top of my recent calls -had I really only been talking to him five minutes ago?- and tapped on the number beneath it. With the odd clarity in my mind, I barely had to take my eyes off the road to do any of this. The phone to my ear, I listened to it ring twice before he picked up.

"You didn't have to call," Alex said with a small chuckle. It took me a second to work out that he was talking about our discussion of what our telephone viewing should consist of tonight.

I shook my head to rid of the small things keeping it from being clear. "No, I know. I just- I just needed to hear your voice," I admitted, finding that my throat was thick. I tried to pull myself together. I had managed to stay collected this whole time and I refused to fall apart just because I was talking to him now.

"Clarke, what's wrong?" he interrogated softly, instantly on the offensive. Whatever had happened, he wanted to fix it for me.

I wished he wouldn't, that his automatic reaction wasn't an instinct to protect me. This was reason I was keeping so much from him. "It's nothing. Just that bad decision coming back to haunt me," I told him, taking my hand off the steering wheel long enough to wave it in the air to indicate how stupid this was.

"I really wish you could tell me what that bad decision was. Especially now, when it clearly has you upset," he expressed, trying his best to convince me to just get it out without actually putting force behind the words.

Chewing on my bottom lip, I nodded. "Yeah, I really wish I could, too," I confessed. I took a deep breath, and was reminded of the stinging continuously running through the side of my face. It was starting to get hot which meant that it was probably also bright red. I was going to have to do some magic with my makeup to cover it up so Hadley didn't see it. "I'm sorry to bail so soon," I apologized to Alex, cutting him off from whatever he was about to say. I was sure it had something to do with forgetting about him not wanting to get hurt and spilling everything I'd kept to myself. "I'll call you tonight though, maybe a little later than usual. You pick the movie. I'm up for anything." I just wanted to get everything out before he had a chance to continue. I was using an asshole tactic, picked up right from the person that was causing me physical pain.

Alex was exasperated. I didn't even have to see or hear him to know this. "All right, yeah. I'll wait up. I'll talk to you later then," he promised. It wasn't hard to miss that he had almost told me he loved me.

It was also impossible to ignore that I almost told him, too. Instead, we simply said goodbye and hung up just as I pulled into my destination. There were still a few minutes until Hadley and I had planned to meet and her car was nowhere in sight. With a deep sigh, I grabbed my purse to throw my phone and keys back into it and grab my makeup bag. By the time my best friend's car parked in the spot next to my own, I hadn't made the mark disappear completely, but just enough to make it look like I was flushed rather than like someone had hit me. I was determined to make it work as I got out and greeted Hadley.

She didn't even seem to register anything that might break her excitement, and I didn't blame her. She clung onto my arm during the entire tour around the mansion, squeezing tightly when we talked of how it would all look for the big day. I didn't resist getting sucked up in the excitement and saw everything as it would be at the end of May. All I wanted until then was so sit in the empty gardens and watch the flowers grow and bloom if it meant that I didn't have to deal with what had actually happened today.