'Cause Love Is A Selfish Thing

In my opinion, summer was often too hot. I loved the clear skies and the fact that I didn't have to hide under an infinite number of layers that often only made me feel awkwardly bulky instead of warm. But what I couldn't appreciate was when I nearly sweated my skin off because the sun decided it hated earth on certain days and usually several days in a row. I didn't want to find solitude in a cool, damp basement or an air-conditioned bedroom all the time. I wanted to enjoy nice weather and a beautiful day before it was back to just watching the leaves change and the sky fill will snow-laden clouds. Today, I just wanted to enjoy it with my boyfriend. But walking through the parking lot of the venue was threatening to kill me as the heat bounced off the blacktop and slapped against my skin even before we got to meet up. I was thankful when the fence encasing the buses came into view along with the gate, and then positively enthusiastic when I saw it was open with Alex standing just inside. He was waiting for me.

No longer able to give thought to the high temperature of the day or how badly I wanted to whine about it, I began running. I probably already looked terrible from my short walk from the car, so I decided not to care what the result of my sprinting would be. My legs already used to the small bit of exertion I was putting on them, I made it to him in only a minute. He had noticed my pursuit when I was nearly to him and snatched me up as soon as I was in reach of his open arms. His lips found mine while he still held me off my feet and they continued to move in sync when my toes found the ground. Pulling away, he leaned his forehead against mine and smiled. For a moment, we simply stared at each other, unable to get over the feel of each other's arms. It hadn't even been that long since we had last seen each other, but it had certainly been long enough.

"I missed you," he whispered, sweeping a lock of hair out of my face and tucking it behind my ear. His other hand, still at the small of my back, pulled me closer as if there was much space between us. His fingers in my hair, he kissed me one more time. "I'm so excited that you're here," he expressed joyfully when our lips were no longer connected.

"Me too," I responded, pulling from his grasp to stand at his side and taking his hand. "I should probably stop this thing where I continuously promise I'll come out for a few days and then only make it to the last day of the tour because I'm a giant procrastinator," I speculated with a smirk as he led us to the bus.

He chuckled lightly. "This is the only time that scenario's played out at all though," he pointed out, swinging our arms back and forth as we walked. "But I hope you don't plan to make a habit of it." He pointed a stern finger at me jokingly but the effect was lost when his expression turned into a smile. He opened the door for me, letting go of my hand and gesturing that I could go up the steps first. He wrapped his arm around my waist when we were both in the front lounge and pulled me down onto the couch.

"I was planning on it. But since you've found me out, I guess I've got to keep those promises in the future," I said, smiling at him. Habitually, I slipped my shoes off and pulled my knees up to my chest, tucking my toes up under his leg. I laid my head on his shoulder and he settled his own against mine. I hooked my index finger onto his, happy to be close again. "I really wish I hadn't gotten so busy. I wanted to come a couple weeks ago. I missed you so much," I confessed, nowhere near ashamed of this fact. He nuzzled his nose in my hair and kissed my head. But before he had the chance to say anything, we were joined by whoever else was occupying the bus.

"Aw, you missed me? How sweet!" Zack exclaimed, throwing himself down on my other side. He chuckled, obviously knowing I hadn't been speaking to him. He also knew though that I'd missed him as well and hugged me when I detached myself from Alex.

"If you gain anymore muscle, you're going to crush my ribcage every time you hug me," I laughed, my own arms tight around his neck even though I would never be able to match his strength.

He laughed as he pulled away. "Well, that has been my intention all these years. I can't believe you haven't figured it out until now," he stated, a large smile on his face. "I think Jack's looking for you, by the way. He texted me saying he found your car. Mentioned something about trying to break into it to find you," he informed me with another chuckle. He was telling the truth though, because this definitely sounded like something Jack would declare he would do.

Alex laughed on my other side and slipped his hand into mine. "Guess we better get going then," he suggested, helping me back up to my feet. "I can introduce you to everyone, too. You'll love them!" he promised, kissing my cheek.

The three of us headed back out into the hot day once I'd stuffed my feet back into my shoes, almost instantly finding Jack coming back through the gate. Thankfully, he had dropped the crazy idea to get into my car and seemed to be more excited to see me now that he didn't have to do anything illegal just to find me somewhere else. After giving me a smothering hug, he joined our small group in search of more air conditioning with him mostly trying to steal my attention away from Alex. He gave up only when we entered the venue and he ran to a small crowd talking near the stage. Zack also walked ahead of us, but Alex and I kept our slow pace, hand-in-hand. Having apparently heard a lot about me, everyone standing there seemed excited to meet me when we finally made it to them. It was much the same with all the new people I was introduced to throughout the day. Even the bands that had only been on the tour for a brief time knew who I was, having heard my name pass Alex's lips at least once. Hearing this, I blushed what I was sure was a deep crimson and squeezed his hand some.

The day passed quickly, the temperature dropping to something much more bearable. I was sure I knew everyone's name that had anything to do with the tour and had eventually found Rian and all the others to have a small reunion. It was a busy day, one that kept me in good spirits. Of course, I had hardly lost my good mood since Hadley's wedding. But I wasn't going to disregard a day as good as this one when it came to being happy. Not long before the boys were set to play, I found myself on the couch of one of the dressing rooms, Alex of course seated close to me after he had returned from making an appearance during the last set. A few of the others were around as well, Jack even on my other side while he laughed with Tay. Though I was half listening to a conversation with Alex and Kenny and was talking to Jordan myself, I couldn't help but glance at the other two.

Things weren't quiet in the room but when Tay got up, I leaned over to whisper to Jack, "Can I tell you a secret?" He snorted lightly but nodded, obviously intrigued that I would have something that I wanted to share with him. "I think Tay likes you," I enlightened him lowly as soon as he gave the okay, elbowing him playfully in the ribs.

I watched his amused grin grow and I was sure his cheeks turned a soft pink behind his scruff. "Well, can I tell you a secret?" he questioned back. Curious myself, I nodded quickly in response. "I kinda like her, too," he told me, close to my ear to make sure that no one else heard. Both of us satisfied with the news we'd shared with each other, we chuckled together and silently began planning ways he could woo her.

"What are you two girls giggling over?" Alex asked in a mock stern voice but mostly sounding amused. He kissed my cheek when I turned back to him and shook my head to tell him it was nothing important. Suddenly, as we were staring at each other, it was like we were in our own world. I loved these moments the most, and there had been plenty of them in just the few times we'd been able to spend time together this summer. His face turned to me completely, he pressed his forehead to mine once again. "I feel like we haven't gotten to talk at all today. What'd you do this morning?" he wondered, his voice low despite the babbling all around us coming from the people we had both just been talking to.

"Well, I was too excited to sleep in like I'd planned. So I got up early and went for a run. I talked to Hadley for a little while when I thought she would be awake. And since I was too anxious, I mostly spent the rest of my morning antsy in my hotel room and making myself pretty for you," I replied, making my smile cute and flirty.

It was easy to tell that he wanted to comment that I was always pretty and didn't have to make it so. But he simply shook his head and moved forward with whatever else he had to say. "You went for a run?" he repeated, somewhat disbelievingly that I had kept up with it. Proudly, I nodded. Besides the people in my life, I had hardly continued to do anything this long. "Your being healthy is going to make my being unhealthy seem even more wrong," he joked, looking grim.

I giggled. "Me running every morning won't put a damper on anything, promise. We can still go home and eat as much pizza as you want," I vowed, grinning at him. "Plus, you can't overlook the fact that it's made me a lot happier, and consistently. That's the one thing I can thank my therapist for suggesting," I pondered. The whole idea of having to be in therapy after what I had dubbed the mistake had been far less than appealing. But I had sucked it up and had continued with the routine of going once a week for months now. I had come to find that it wasn't as bad as I had first anticipated and had grown to actually like it at times.

Alex, on the other hand, shifted uncomfortably just at the mention of me going. I knew he didn't exactly like it but he wasn't denying that it might actually be doing me some good. "I am glad to see you happy," he admitted after he had been silent for a couple minutes. He ran his hand up and down one of my legs, both of them being draped over his lap. I knew he wanted to point out that there were other ways we could have achieved this, but I only would have argued. I could read it in his face that he knew this as well. "How- how are you feeling besides that though?" he inquired hesitantly, keeping his gaze on his fingers on my jeans. "Don't feel like running, do you? Talking about everything with her hasn't made you afraid of… things… again, right?" he added, finally looking up at me again.

I pressed my lips together, trying to rid them of the smile that wanted to stick around. After a minute, I figured it wasn't worth it. His question was cute to me and I wasn't going to try to hide that. I let my grin take over and I shook my head. "Not away from you, no. I'm feeling like… I'm never going to think I have to run away again," I assured him. "My problem was always that I couldn't handle our big fights. I always took them the wrong way and I was too scared to stick around for us to talk them out. But you're stuck with me now because I am so over that bullshit weakness," I said with a pleased nod.

He smirked back at me before leaning forward to press his lips to my forehead. "There's nothing better than being stuck with you, because you're stuck with me, too. It's a good thing we seem to like each other so much," he pointed out, raising his eyebrows jokingly. I giggled at him while nodding and wrapping my arms around his neck. He opened his mouth, about to say something else. But someone else finally broke through the barrier that we'd put up between us and everyone else. Like it always seemed to end up being, Matt was yelling at Alex for waiting until the last minute to get up. He was clearly reluctant to actually separate from me, and crestfallen that he couldn't relay whatever was on his mind in this moment.

"Go, go," I urged him, fighting a laugh at thinking of how Matt would probably drag him away if it was absolutely necessary. "Get ready. Do amazing. I'm gonna go hang out with Vinny for a while," I told him so he wouldn't be worried about what I'd be stuck doing. I puckered my lips after I pushed him up, begging for a kiss which he contentedly obliged to giving me. Even watching him skip off, I had a smile on my face.

After a few minutes, I followed in his footsteps, dragging Jordan along because I had decided he was my new best friend. But I maneuvered our way outside and to where the merch tables were set up. I had watched the boys play so many times that it wasn't a priority to pay close attention each time now. There wasn't much activity at the table, so it was mostly just Vinny, Jordan, and I joking around. But I of course bailed before things got ridiculous and made my way back to the bus. There was still more waiting around until the boys came back since there was still a lot they had to do. Evan, Greico, and I commandeered the Nintendo though and passed the time easily. I really wasn't losing this good mood, and I wasn't going to complain about it as long as it stayed.

It didn't take much to pry me away from Mario when Alex's arms wrapped around me. I passed my controller off to Jack -who was pleased to get it because I was winning- and stood with Alex who led us to the front. It wasn't as hectic up here though it wasn't empty. He pulled me into the booth at the table, snaking his arm around my waist. We spent a while just sitting in our own silence, ignoring the fact that the bus would be leaving soon and there were people to say goodbye to. It appeared to strike him out of nowhere that I wasn't able to stay with him since I had driven my car up last night. And it took him just as long to declare that he was going to drive home with me instead of letting me go it alone. Trying to convince him that he didn't have to was pointless since I was actually pretty grateful to have the company. So we eventually got up to bid farewell to the guys and to everyone else before he gathered most of his things and we set off across the parking lot to my car.

With the hand that wasn't holding mine, he hoisted his book bag higher up on his shoulder as we headed toward the car. He grinned over at me. "The one good thing about tomorrow's show getting canceled is that I get to go home with you. We get to lie around with the dogs and play N64 and sleep in our bed," he listed eagerly like he had never gotten the chance to be slightly domestic. "Ready to face the hurricane together?" he asked just as pleasantly.

I giggled at him, hitting the button to unlock the doors for us. "Only if it floods the streets and carries the both of us away," I said, slipping behind the wheel. He threw his bags into the backseat and then hopped into the passenger seat, taking my hand as soon as we were on our way.

The trip was long, feeling a lot longer because it was so late and I'd had so little sleep. But it was a bearable five hours because we were with each other. We talked of our plans to sleep in as long as possible the next day and about how we were going to spend the time he had off. We filled each other in about the things that had happened while he was away, sharing stupid and ridiculous stories. We were euphoric. There just wasn't any other way to describe it.

"I say we go straight to sleep," I insisted as we walked through the front door. My knees ached from sitting for so long and nothing was more appealing than his bed in the moment. I kicked my shoes off next to the door before bending down to pick up Sebastian in my free arm since he was so eager for attention.

"To the bedroom we go then!" Alex exclaimed, and automatically skipped off, leading the way up the stairs. Shaking my head at him, I called to Peyton to come along so we all could follow. Alex was already unpacking by the time I entered the room, stuffing what was clean into the dresser. I simply dropped my bag on the floor since I would have to wait to get home to actually unpack and let Baz jump on the bed, immediately following suit. "Don't fall asleep just yet," Alex cooed, and I could feel his weight on the bed not too far from me. He was only leaning across it as he knelt on the floor, reaching across to grab my hand. When I extracted my face from the mattress beneath me, he was smiling my way.

My gaze normally would have gone right to him, but there was a small something between the two of us. The blue velvet of it had grown to be something completely familiar to me and that meant that I should really stop reacting like it was the first time I'd seen it. Nonetheless, my breath caught and I was instantly wanting to pry it open to see the ring inside it. I composed myself though and sat up, disregarding his ever-growing grin. "What're you doing?" I wondered aloud, gathering my hair up and bringing it over my shoulder to twist it in both of my hands. I really had no reason to be nervous. I actually didn't think I really was when I payed attention to my reaction. My stomach didn't hurt and I wasn't finding a great need to ruin my hair though it set waiting in my fingers.

He pushed himself up onto the bed to sit across from me. "In the simplest of terms, I am proposing. As long as it's not freaking you out, that is," he reassured me before I could hurry up and say no. "You said when the time felt right. And… well, the time felt right on the couch when you said you no longer thought you had to run away but I had to get on stage. But it's always going to be perfect to me. So, if we make it a very long engagement for you to get comfortable with the idea, will you marry me, Clarke Holliday?" He plucked the box from the spot where I had let it set and opened it, letting me see the ring I loved so much. I could see that the nerves that were supposed to be residing in me were building up inside of him. He was probably thinking about snapping the lid shut and putting the ring away once more until he felt I would be able to handle it.

If I would have been good at messing with people, I might have shook my head. Of course, I had already strung him along for months with this situation and I would never have been able to dishearten him like that. So before I even had to put thought into it, my head was already moving in an up-and-down motion and I was telling him yes. In only a second, the ring was shining on my finger instead of in its plush cushion and he was kissing me. The positive mood was refusing to leave as I had already observed, only deciding to get better. And I still was not going to even think of a complaint.

It was already early in the morning thanks to our long drive, so we figured it didn't matter if we stayed up any longer. An hour later, we were still simply lying in bed and couldn't get our minds off how I had finally gotten over the fear I had been so convinced I had. I couldn't stop lifting my hand over us to stare at the sapphire. I couldn't even think about how I declined this two times before without getting distracted by the sparkle the minimal light was casting through it. He was obviously beyond thrilled that I had accepted it and that we were finally engaged. Even thinking the word, it still sounded weird. But I absolutely loved the idea, and it made images of me in a beautiful gown and him in a sharp tux while we held hands dance around my brain.

"Do you ever wish we could start over?" I wondered after an infinite amount of the most comfortable silence we had ever shared. I met his confused gaze which only made me snort softly, almost inaudibly. I spun my new ring on my finger, watching it catch the lamp light. "I just mean, start from the beginning, knowing everything we know now. Still break up that first time to learn from it like we did then. But get back together much sooner, be together while I was in New York. And then we'd know to enjoy all of our favorite things that have happened in our relationship, and not have to live through the extremely bad," I explained fully, sounding as thoughtful as I really was. If time travel was possible, I thought, then this whole spiel could actually be a good idea.

Alex shrugged, clearly trying to think about it instead of just dismissing it or agreeing with it automatically. "Maybe," he responded slowly. "But things haven't turned out too terribly even without having to do it all again and know exactly what to say and do at the right moments. I like the results of what we've already done, what we've already played out," he added, nodding once when he thought he had gotten right. There was no argument building in me, because this was the way I felt about our present. Even though the redo would always look to be a nice option, I was just fine with with what I had now. "Ri's probably going to be home soon," he pointed out after a quick glance at the clock on the nightstand, knowing that I was content with his answer to my question. He turned back to me and promptly kissed my hair.

I was using his arm as a pillow, my own arms around his waist when I wasn't admiring my ring. I was on my back at the moment though so I had to turn my head to face him. "Should we actually wake up then? Maybe give up on our sleeping in?" I questioned a little morosely. It was probably stupid to be disappointed at having to forget about something that more than likely wasn't going to happen no matter how hard we tried.

He snorted like that was an overly ridiculous idea. "No, I was thinking more along the lines of watching zombie movies until you wanted to start showing off that ring to everyone that'll listen," he responded, giving me a sideways smile.

"And if I don't ever want to stop watching dead cannibals in this room?" I countered.

"Then I guess we're getting married with Peyton as the best man and intestines being eaten as the bridal march," he answered with a shrug and chuckled.

He knew me well though because I certainly did want to brag about the ring now that it was rightfully on my finger. My best friend was probably going to be mad that I had waited even this long to tell her when she'd told me right away and my mother was going to be ecstatic whereas she would have been furious just months ago. But I really only wanted to lie in bed for now, reveling in the fact that I was engaged, that I had plans to be with Alex for the rest of our lives. Things had been perfect a year ago, and I had thought about forever then, too. It was no surprise that there'd been an obstacle since that was always my pattern. We were back on track though, and moving forward more than I had thought we would because I was sure my pattern was broken. This time around, I was confident that I wouldn't ruin it again. Forever was a long time and so was the rest of my life. But I knew what I wanted now and knew that that was the life that I was leading with all of my friends, and especially with Alex.