'Cause Love Is A Selfish Thing

My plan had been to drive to Pittsburgh and stay for a day or two. I was going to soak up a big city for the first time since leaving New York. Walking around between the tall buildings and listening to the intense traffic and rude people was going to be good for me since I'd be far away from my problems. And it worked as much as it could. It all reminded me of where I had once lived and put me in a better mood when I wasn't in my hotel room. The next step was supposed to be to head to Maine to visit my parents for Thanksgiving and make stops along the way in any town that seemed interesting just because. That was the logical option so I didn't make the long drive in such a rush. My brain wouldn't shut up once I was in the rental car though and I couldn't weed through the thoughts enough to make the logical point that I shouldn't be so determined to get to my parents' that night. The only stops I made were to get gas and then I was in Augusta fourteen hours after I had left Pittsburgh. Stepping up to my parents' front door, it was late and I realized I was extremely tired. They nearly had to drag me inside once they got over the fact that I was a day early. I was just happy to be away from Baltimore and to be climbing into a bed.

I called Hadley as soon as I woke up the next morning, still lying in bed and half groggy. She sounded as shocked as my mom and dad that I had made a continuous drive. She was constantly worried about me though and I waved it off this time like all the others. She prompted immediately about Pittsburgh since we hadn't spoken since I'd left her house and then she edged into why I hadn't quit driving. I gave her what was as close to the truth as I could come up with. That the road had put me in somewhat of a trance -in a good way- and I had felt no need to make any detours. As long as I was all right, I couldn't see how it mattered.

"What do your parents think about all this?" she questioned when she was semi-sure I was sane in my insane mind. "About the sudden need to leave Maryland, not the thirteen hours you willing spent cramped in a car," she confirmed since she had changed the subject on me. A bell dinged in the background and it, along with the sudden addition of chattering voices, let me know that she was entering a coffee shop. Funny to think that I could be there with her instead of lying in bed almost six hundred miles away.

I had a bad habit of replying non-vocally even though I knew the person I was speaking to was unable to see it. This time was no different as I shrugged against the sheets. "I don't think they've thought much about it," I also answered, throwing all my thoughts out there. "I can tell my dad's just glad I decided to leave Alex again. So much so that he's offered to pay for… well, everything having to do with this trip," I told her a bit disbelievingly, still finding it hard to comprehend.

"Do your parents still seriously hate him?" she squawked, completely baffled. The news that my father might still hold a grudge shouldn't be so surprising. But I found that there was some justification to her reaction.

I squeezed my eyes shut with a sigh. "Yeah, of course they do. They don't blame him for the faults in my life now, which is relieving. But they've taken to complaining that the band isn't a real job and that he would have been better off working for his dad for the rest of this life," I explained to her. "I still wish that they just took the time to understand him," I admitted. No matter what was happening between us, I still thought he deserved to be thought of more highly than my mom and dad did. "I'm pretty sure my dad would bribe me away from Alex if he thought it was necessary."

"They're unreasonable. I wish I had a solution to getting through to them. That's not really needed now though, I guess," she pointed out with a lowered voice as she realized that it sounded insensitive. After what felt like a dramatic pause, she stumbled over the words she was getting out to save herself. "Listen, hon. I've got to get home. My mom is going to kill me because I left to get coffee anyway, so I'll call you tonight," she promised.

She expressed how she wished I was there to cushion the blow from her own parents being there and the two of us exchanged parting words before hanging up. I lay there in the bed with my arm over my eyes for a while, my phone in my other hand at my side. I was still tired, my eyes burning from staring at the black road and the yellow and white lines reflecting back at me for so long. I wasn't quite sure I wanted to go downstairs to deal with my parents. I knew most of the conversation would consist of subtle insults toward my now ex-boyfriend. They were good at making me feel horrible about my choice to start dating him again. At this point in time, it was going to cause me to get back in the car immediately to see where I ended up, surely. But it had to be faced, so I threw myself from the mattress and stumbled out into the hall.

I was greeted warmly when I made it to the kitchen, my mother setting a plate of eggs on the table for me. She swept away again to continue chopping vegetables in preparation for Thanksgiving the next day. My mother was beautiful, and not just for being in her late forties. She had always been a stunning woman with her hair so dark it was almost black and her gray eyes set perfectly on her heart-shaped face. She was usually soft-spoken and often found herself only yelling when I had done something stupid or my father would not calm down. My father, on the other hand, was outspoken. He was slightly over six feet, had hair a shade darker than mine, and was the parent I had gotten my blue eyes from. Because he thought he looked fairly ordinary, he felt like he had the right to say whatever came to his mind whenever it came to his mind.

"How's the bed up there?" he asked right after I had shoved a fork-full of eggs into my mouth. I was sure he had waited until this exact moment because he had taken to doing immature things like making me talk with my mouth full since the day I graduated. As soon as I swallowed and opened my mouth to answer, he interrupted. "I've been meaning to replace it, it's seems so worn," he stated.

For a moment, I forced myself to bite my tongue. He thought he was hilarious and I would do everything in my power not to contradict him because I felt that I should humor him since I was his daughter. "It's the bed I slept on for eleven years. I think it's entitled to a little wear," I responded as neutrally as possible. It shouldn't make me angry that he was insulting a bed, no matter how well acquainted I was with it. I just knew that it was the lead up to words about a boy I was more than acquainted with.

My dad nodded in agreement, appearing to suddenly remember that they hadn't bought the bed new when they had moved up here. He was silent for a few minutes then, reading the business section of the paper he had folded on the table. I was allowed to eat my breakfast in peace then, vacuuming it all down since I hadn't eaten in a full twenty-four hours. "So did you finally get sick of all the running around and decide you didn't want that kind of lifestyle forever?" he asked the second I set my fork down. He didn't sound rude, and I honestly believed that he wasn't trying to be. But it was still too much.

I pushed my chair back from the table and stood, grabbing my plate. "All right, I'm going to get some coffee," I announced as I brought my plate over to the sink. "I'll be back in a little bit!" I instantly made my way out of the kitchen then and headed to the foyer to slip my shoes on. I had slept in exactly what I had driven all day yesterday in, which was a pair of leggings and a baggy flannel shirt over a tank top. So I was completely ready to walk out the door once I had thrown my coat on. I really didn't care what the people around here thought of my wrinkled fashion choice for the morning.

My parents lived so close to town that I very well could have walked, despite the cold weather. I was sure I wanted to be gone longer than simply a walk away. So I slid into the driver's seat of the car I had rented back in Towson and started toward town and the farthest Starbucks I could find. I didn't pay much attention to the scenery as I drove. Without a car of my own at home, I still didn't drive that often. Paying attention to what I was doing seemed much more logical than watching passersby and busy shops along the street. I wasn't sure how long I drove for, but a coffee shop finally appeared on the corner of the road I was on. Quickly, I found a spot and parallel parked against the curb. I felt like I hadn't smiled in days, but the one on my face now all because I was able to get coffee was unstoppable.

Inside, it wasn't as busy as the outside appeared to be. The few people that did occupy the space paid little attention to me as I ordered my drink at the counter and made my way to find a seat. It was nice to be able to study all these people I had never seen before. People watching was always a fun pastime in New York since the population was so eclectic. It just wasn't as entertaining here, especially since I was still tired and frustrated from my father's words. So when my name got called, I decided I would take my drink and drive around for a while. I got up to retrieve the iced coffee from the end of the counter and promptly turned around to head out the door. I wasn't exactly paying attention to if anyone had snuck up behind me and if someone had, they obviously weren't particularly all in this shop either. It really couldn't be said if it was his fault or mine that we smacked into each other. An obscenity slipped from my mouth as I watched my drink fall from my hand from the sudden force and spill all over the stranger's shoes as the lid cracked open. Ten minutes, and I was back to the bad mood.

He was chuckling some, mostly at my reaction. This shocked me, too. "It's all right," he tried to reassure me, but had no further words to make me feel better that I had done it. "I'm not completely blameless," he claimed, holding up his cell phone and shaking it some for emphasis that he had been engrossed in it. "Let me buy you another drink," he offered. He was speaking very quickly, but more smoothly than I thought any one person should be allowed. I could easily see how this could make some girls' knees go weak.

I let out a soft snort. "I'm the one that just destroyed your -what I expect to be very expensive- shoes. Shouldn't I be offering to pay for something here?" I questioned like it was quite obvious. I was sure I would have much preferred an older man, angry because I hadn't been watching where I was going and demanding I pay for the damage on the spot. This guy was clearly flirting and I didn't even know how to feel about it.

The smile on his face grew even broader at my question, revealing rows of perfect, white teeth which looked like they had more help than just a toothbrush to be so. "There's no need, really. They were more inexpensive than you'd think. Well, if you don't want another drink, how about you let me take you to dinner tonight?" he suggested, his tone leading me to believe that he was going to give a wink for good measure at the end. That was always how it happened in the movies. I was sure he'd give it a shot for reality.

A loud guffaw escaped my mouth then, utterly taken aback that someone I had never seen in my life would be so forward. "I'm sorry, but I don't even know your name," I wasn't hesitant to point out. It was hard to believe that any of this was playing out the way it was.

He held his hand out without thinking about it, the one that didn't contain his phone. "Oliver Davis," he introduced without batting a lash. Confidence radiated off of him in waves.

There seemed to be nothing better to do than stare at his outstretched hand. When I glanced at his face once more, he raised his eyebrows as if to say he wouldn't bite. Finally, I placed my hand in his and shook. "Clarke Holliday," I said as politely as I could manage. I didn't think I could be rude to him, but I didn't want to risk it either.

"So now that we know each other, how about dinner?" Oliver tried again the moment I dropped my hand back to my side. He was as persistent as another boy I knew, I was quickly learning. It had been a long time since I liked that quality on anyone else.

Momentarily, I looked down at my feet still resting in a puddle of chilled coffee and I kicked absentmindedly at the liquid. A drop or two of it splashed onto his shoes, but it hardly made a difference. I was thinking about contradicting him. We didn't know any more about each other than our names. It was the day before Thanksgiving. But I was sure no excuse would hinder the plans he had surely already begun making. When I looked up again, I was nodding. "All right, all right. Why not? Dinner sounds great," I finally answered with a tiny smirk. Did those words really just leave my mouth? There was no taking them back now. I didn't even think I wanted to take them back, if I was being completely honest with myself.

He seemed a bit shocked by my answer for a split second, then recovered as if he had expected me to accept without query all along. With an even more confident air, he gave me his number. Knowing I would never have the guts to call him myself, I gave mine right back and told him that later evening would probably be best. "Well, I'm looking forward to it, Miss Clarke Holliday," he expressed almost gleefully. Whatever he had come into the shop to get was apparently highly overshadowed by the encounter he'd had with me because he turned around and walked out of the shop then, waving to me through the window as he passed by it outside.

After waving back with a small chuckle, I bent to pick up the empty cup from the floor and deposited it in a garbage can on my way out the door. Buying another wasn't even worth it at this point. I paced back to the car slowly, digging my phone out of my bag on the way. I unlocked it as I slipped in the driver's seat, all of my intentions focused on telling my best friend that I had a spontaneous date tonight. While I was tapping on my texts though, I couldn't help but to think how this was probably much too soon. My thoughts diverted, my fingers were directing the screen to the conversation with Alex instead of Hadley.

We had barely texted each other on tour since we were together so often. But when we did, it was always cute things or making fun of something around us. Each time, it had brought a smile to my face and a melancholy one appeared this time around. Why I had decided to read through them now was simple. Though I wasn't technically replacing him with Oliver so soon, it still felt like a betrayal. Everything I had done in the past two weeks felt like a betrayal. I wanted something to remind me that things had quite recently been good. I just wished desperately that it all could have worked out differently, but I wasn't sure it would have been able to. The more I looked back at my habits during the relationship, it was looking more and more like Alex and I weren't even destined to work out. It was so hard to see any of it in a positive light.

I heaved a heavy sigh and threw my phone into the passenger seat, wiping away tears with my other hand. I had the strong urge to call him, forget all about the date I now had and staying with my parents for any length of time. I wanted to convince him to meet me halfway from Baltimore so we didn't have to be apart any longer. I wanted to be illogical about us like I most often was. I didn't want to see sense about any of our actions because I knew that it would feel great just to be back in his arms again. But I shook it off, knowing that it would be inevitable that I would get scared of something between us once again.

I kept my phone on the other seat while I drove away, back to my parents that I would try my hardest to ignore when they made any snide comment about any subject. Once there, I called Hadley though I wasn't sure she would be allowed to talk with how busy she surely was, and told her what I had planned to tell her when she picked up. I put everything aside to concentrate on the fact that I had shed my introvert-like self for a few moments to accept a dinner invitation with a man I had thrown my coffee on. And when Oliver called to ask for directions, I quickly got ready and was out on the front step when he pulled up.

I was known for being awkward and thinking I made the air between anyone and myself the exact same. I had predicted that it would be no different the moment I got in the nice car and only continue throughout the entire night. That was just how it worked with me. It didn't even get to that point though, let alone start out from there. Conversations didn't have pauses and flowed effortlessly into one another. We didn't cover a ton of topics, but the ones we did led each of us a little further into the other's life than we had been twelve hours ago. It wasn't like I had been on dates with many boys, but I thought this one was going pretty damn well. At least it had made me forget about my small breakdown outside the coffee shop. Though I did find it weird that he was able to keep me talking when not many people had that ability, I tried not to question it for the time being.

"So maybe I should have asked this earlier. But there hasn't been much of a break in interesting conversation to worry about it," Oliver said after he had taken a drink from his water glass. "Are you from here? Just visiting your parents?" he wondered some. We had finished dinner many subjects ago, but had sat to talk because we didn't see the need to leave yet. Our waiter had come by several times to see if we wanted dessert or the check, but Oliver assured him each time that we simply wanted a few more minutes to decide what we were going to do while I pretended to be scanning the dessert menu every time.

Shaking my head, I swallowed the sip of coffee I'd just taken. "I am visiting them. But we're from a suburb of Baltimore. They moved up here a few years ago and I moved back down there in May after I graduated from NYU," I explained. We had already talked about where we had gone to college, what our majors had been. He, of course, had majored in law a couple years ago and was now a lawyer. I was more than just embarrassed to admit to him that I had been working in a library for the passed few months. It didn't seem like such a big deal to him though.

"Seriously?" he questioned back, obviously shocked in a good way. "That's where I stay most of the time. I have an apartment in the middle of Baltimore," he told me excitedly. He had already covered how the firm he worked for still had him traveling during a lot of cases, but hadn't mentioned where he was based. "Maybe we won't have to end this little tryst after tonight then," he marveled excitedly, and opened up a whole new door for me without even knowing it.