'Cause Love Is A Selfish Thing

I tried to pretend like Christmas wasn't passing by keeping away from the busy crowds and sticking to the house as often as I could. It wasn't that I didn't like the holiday. Usually it was the complete opposite. There was just a lot about it I didn't want to be reminded of. Busying myself with everything that needed to be done only seemed to work to an extent. I wasn't on my game as much as I normally was because I wanted to enjoy the holiday as much as I wanted to ignore it. With Daniel running around like I had gotten used to over the years in New York, it was hard not to have a smile on my face and be as excited at he was. I should have been even more hermit-like because as soon as Christmas was over, I had the Gaskarth-Dawson New Year's party to dread. But I was finding it hard to look that far ahead. If I would, I would only be reminded that I wasn't where I was supposed to be for the holidays.

This Christmas was not as wonderful for me as the last. That was just something I could add to the list to forget along the way. Daniel had woken Hadley, Marshall, and I up earlier than I was sure any of us had any intention of doing. The day was much earlier than I myself had seen in ages. The three of us adults exchanged our few gifts while Daniel began tearing open his and then watched him gleefully until he was finished. Since Hadley's family had been here for Thanksgiving, she and Marsh had decided not to travel just for the day. I helped with dinner and we ended the night with sitting around the living room, stuffed and sleepy.

Most of the time after that, I spent alone. Marshall's parents wanted to see Daniel, so I had free rein of the house while they went to visit. It wasn't like I took much advantage since I still felt guilty about my staying there. After taking the rental car back since I figured my father was going to discover he would have to draw a line somewhere to pay for it, I didn't have easy transportation. So I spent a lot of time scouring the internet for a cheap car and powered through it knowing that I wouldn't have to keep asking for rides like I was fourteen again. In doing this, I was able to forget about everything having to do with Alex and the fact that I was far off track from where I used to be headed. After spending a good three days searching and researching, I was elated to find something and hoped it could help me get back on course. I didn't even care that I had to persuade one of my friends to give me yet another ride so that I could finalize everything.

With my two best friends both out of town, Rian with Cassadee, and my ex just out of the question, my options were limited. I hadn't seen much of Matt since leaving the tour though, and I had gotten extremely used to assisting him everyday. Limited choices or not, he was my first call and he agreed like we may never get the chance to see each other again. Though the day had a purpose that was going to empty my savings account, I couldn't have been more pleased to spend it with Matt while we didn't have to worry about anyone else's needs. Even after we had completed the task at hand and I officially no longer had to walk everywhere, we still lingered together to talk and laugh like I really hadn't been able to since the last talk with Alex.

I hated being alone with so much on my mind, I couldn't deny. But it was certainly more bearable after the entire day out with Matt. I didn't wallow in self pity the last days that I was home alone and I didn't think too much about going to the party. The day of, I called Jack just to have someone to talk to to make it even easier to forget about. It took us a while to venture to the topic, but it had surely been inevitable.

"Please tell me you'll miraculously be home in time for it," I pleaded, already predicting what his answer was going to be. He had been gone since the day after Christmas, and I knew that it was because he was spending New Year's Eve in Las Vegas. I was just hoping that maybe he would feel bad enough for me and maybe come home to cushion having to be in that house again.

He chuckled lightly, but it held next to no humor. "Nope, sorry. Holly's having a huge party," he replied in a tone that let me know that he really was sorry that he had plans he couldn't cancel. I was more than lucky to have him as a friend that always had my back, but it still sucked knowing that he was so far away.

"Damn your famous girlfriend for taking you from me in my time of need," I joked. I stood up from the bed in the room I was staying in and made my way over to the closet. It was nice to hear him laugh for real at what I had said. It was never worth hearing it if he didn't have his heart in it.

We talked a while longer while I looked for something to wear for the night and only hung up so that I could shower. I was still not really looking forward to going over to Rian's and Alex's, no matter how well I had managed to put it out of my mind when things had started to look up. I curled my hair in somewhat of a daze, and then tried to break out of it while I did my makeup. I got dressed trying to focus on the fact that I was going to get to see nearly all of my friends, both ones that I always saw and ones that I rarely got to be around. It was a medley of emotions in what felt like so little time, but it was the kind of thing I had gotten used to over the years. I wasn't blocking anything out by the time I got in my car, but I wasn't exactly in high spirits either. I considered it a win if I wasn't completely negative about the whole prospect.

Rian pulled me inside at almost the exact moment I had knocked on the door. He scolded me for thinking that I would have to wait outside when I practically lived here, too. It was hard not to comment on that, but it was nice of him to say it even if I didn't agree with it. I was greeted with a warm hug from Cassadee as soon as she spotted me walking into the kitchen and that was all it took for me to feel better being here. Several other of my friends were given hugs as well the further I got into the room, and they were all more pleased to see me than some of them had been at the Christmas party. I would always hate that I was so worried about among so many of them, yet I was glad that I didn't seem to be anything to worry about tonight.

I couldn't have even said how much time had passed before I first spotted Alex. I was arguing with Matt about my car since he had found a new pastime in joking that the only thing that could fit in the backseat would probably be one of his stuffed Mickeys. While laughing, I looked up and did a scan of the room absentmindedly. He just seemed to appear there, suddenly standing at the counter to pour himself a drink. I was pleased with myself that I was able to keep my heart from leaping or my stomach from dropping. I was simply able to acknowledge his presence, something I hadn't been able to do for a very long time without some kind of emotion jumping in. The smile still on my face, I looked back to Matt in front of me. But not before spotting Lisa standing only a few feet from Alex. My grin faltered slightly before I was able to force it back to normal. No one looking to have noticed my small slip-up or the fact that the one person who probably didn't particularly want me here was now making his presence known.

With a lull in conversation that was able to include me, I was given the opportunity to think about what I had been putting off for weeks now. What Alex had proposed I do that cold day while the two of us stood inside that dingy laundromat ran through my head, and I was more confused by it now than I had been then. Maybe I just didn't want to admit that he had been right about one thing: there were times when he really was the only one that was fighting for us to pull through. I wanted to believe that I gave up sometimes because of my fear. It was hard for me to be so happy and not to have something break it. Maybe I just needed that in my life to feel like I had the control to balance it out. I hated thinking it, but there were a lot of things I needed to give into now that I was thinking reasonably. So I also had to acknowledge that it was scary to think that he was going to let me do what I needed but wasn't promising that he was going to be there waiting for me when I was through with whatever it was. I would never expect him to wait. It was just that I wanted to say that I did want him to be there. I just wasn't sure I could anymore.

I went to let out a large sigh at everything on my mind unbeknownst to everyone around me, but the couch sunk under new weight next to me. Slowly, I turned my head to see who had sat down and prayed that it wasn't Alex to give me something more to freak out over. If possible, the person there caused me to panic even more than Alex would have made me. She was smiling at me, making it obvious that she was there to speak to me. "I don't think we've ever actually been introduced. I'm Lisa," she said brightly, sweeping her hair back behind her shoulder.

With a sharp intake of breath between my teeth, I nodded. She clearly already knew who I was, so I didn't find it necessary to introduce myself. Whatever she was going to say though was surely going to leave me scuttling out of here with my pride left somewhere in these cushions. "Look, if you're here to tell me to back off, that he's forgotten all about me, that you're all he needs now, don't bother. Really, I already feel shitty enough and I don't think I can handle some catty words about how I was never what he was looking for," I informed her firmly, trying to look a healthy combination of menacing and worn out.

It didn't seem to be needed though. She was shaking her head before I even finished. "I have nothing like that planned, I promise. It would hardly be worth it anyway, considering I'm refusing to be the replacement on his arm," she responded, and casted her gaze toward Alex who was talking with Vinny. "I don't know why he thought I would be okay with being nothing but a distraction and a tool for jealously," she wondered idly, rolling her eyes before settling them back on me.

They met my shocked face. What exactly was she saying? That they weren't together in any capacity? Then why was she here? There was too much I wanted to ask, but I blurted out something that wasn't any of those. "He talks about me then?" I had the urge to clap my both my hands over my mouth. It could possibly hurt to find out either if he was or he wasn't. It might also have the ability to make her upset as well.

Lisa nodded her head in a bobbing motion once. "Before I knew what was going on, no. I got the truth out of Jack when Alex disappeared at his parents' party. After being pissed and telling him that I'd be damned if he thought he was going to use me, I told him that I wouldn't just leave him without help either. So he talks about you more now, yeah. I know he tries to fight it. He wants to be over you like he thinks you're over him. But you're not so over him, are you?" she questioned, lowering her voice so that I could barely hear her over the loud chatter and music.

Once more, she was surprising me. I had never talked to Lisa much. We weren't friends in school and I had been preoccupied with several other people at prom. She seemed able to read me so well though. Maybe this was just something that was obvious beyond any doubt. "No, I'm not. I'm afraid that given time though that it might happen. I'm confused as to what to do," I confessed. I wanted to shut up. Even if she was being friendly, she really didn't need to hear all these problems. I was pushing them on anyone that would listen.

She shrugged, giving me a small apologetic smile. "I don't know the ins and outs of what you guys have. I can't lead you in the right direction," she stated smartly. I was glad she was leaving out that she and I didn't know each other at all. "If you lose your feelings for him though, that's probably how it's supposed to be. Don't force yourself into something your heart doesn't want you to do." She was speaking so calmly that it was almost as if the two of us were having a conversation over lunch instead of in the heart of a party. I was also wondering how she could be so willing to give me advice when the person I was having problems with had had every intention of dating her again.

I took a moment to contemplate what she had told me, but couldn't force myself to think too hard about it now. Many things lately were taking me a few days to take into consideration. I simply nodded to let her know I understood. "Thanks. Advice is something I'm not turning away with this," I said with a small smirk. I had nothing more to say and was struggling for an excuse to stand. Thankfully, I was saved the trouble by someone calling my name. Unfortunately, when I looked up, I saw that it was Zack and he was standing with Alex. Torn on what to do, I decided that I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity. I excused myself and Lisa nodded perceptively. The few steps into the kitchen were grueling and I could feel both boys' eyes on me, one set burning hotter than the other. I tried to pretend like noting was affecting me as I took a spot with them though. "What's up?" I asked of Zack, almost ignoring Alex's presence altogether.

Zack began speaking, sounding highly enthusiastic about whatever he had wanted to tell me. I couldn't focus on him whatsoever. Pretending Alex wasn't there only worked when first joining them. Now it was impossible to look passed the fact that we were dying to reach out and grab each other's hands, like some magnetic force was making us. My thoughts were swimming, confused as to how I could ever be afraid that my feelings might fade over time when I so clearly wanted him now. I tried to put a smile on my face and nod at random intervals to convince Zack I was listening but it just wasn't working. I couldn't have said what the subject was at all. Before I threw myself in too far and to prevent embarrassment, I had to interrupt him.

"I have to pee," I announced out of nowhere, using the first excuse that came to mind. It didn't really seem appropriate or worthy enough to just walk away. But I was making things too awkward tonight and figured this was the best I was going to do. I apologized quickly when Zack nodded and I made my way out of there even faster. I paced toward the downstairs bathroom, planning on at least locking myself in there for a few minutes. I didn't make it even halfway down the hall though. I was only in front of the guest room I had used last year when someone grabbed my hand and began dragging me the other way. Calm filled me after seeing it was Alex, finally getting what I had wanted back in the kitchen. I let him lead me up the stairs as soon as we rounded the corner and let only the dull thuds of our shoes on the wood of the stairs fill my ears. Anyone could have said where he was leading us and I didn't put up an ounce of argument when we stepped through the doorway to his room.

He took only a second to turn on the light and shut the door before he was on me. His lips crashed to mine and he wasted no time parting my own. I admired how he tasted like rum along with everything I was used to as I kicked my shoes off and he walked us sideways. Our tongues tangled and I was unbuttoning his blazer, pushing it off his shoulders. It hit the floor just before the two of us hit the bed. I was so caught up, thrown into a whirlwind from how quickly things had played out. I was convinced it had only been sixty seconds since I'd walked away from Zack, five minutes since I'd been talking with Lisa. Thinking would have been logical but tough to manage when I was sure my brain was malfunctioning. I didn't want to think anyway. So I wasn't sure exactly where I came up with the question breaking from my lips the moment he broke from me to place kisses on my jaw and neck.

"Should we be doing this?" I wondered, my fingers shaking as they worked at the top button on his shirt. His tie kept getting in the way and I was getting ready to rip it off in frustration.

He gave a throaty chuckle that sounded rough from his lack of air. "Probably not," he admitted, but made no move to quit what he was doing. His hand trailed up my leg to the hem of my dress, his rough skin leaving goosebumps on my smooth flesh. He didn't stop when he reached fabric though like I knew he wouldn't, and his hand glided up my thigh.

I had begun to stop though, gradually freezing until I was no longer responding to anything about his touch. He was completely right. I didn't even have to ask the question to know that we should be staying far away from each other if I was supposed to be figuring things out for myself without him. For what I was sure was the first time, Alex noticed my lack of participation and slowly pulled away from me to look me in the eye. I knew I didn't look guilty and I didn't give a sheepish grin in apology at stopping what we had been leading into. I sat up then, causing his hand to fall away from my leg. "You're right," I declared, pushing myself to sit on the edge of the bed and pushing my hair away from my face. "You're supposed to be giving me time and I'm supposed to take it freely. Not jumping you the second we get to be alone." I wanted to scream because of all of my contradicting thoughts. I wanted to forget all about being afraid and simply be with him. But I also wanted to take the time to be away from him so that maybe we'd have a chance to be together without complications.

Alex heaved a sigh but sat up as well, sitting next to me and redoing the few buttons I had managed to get undone. "It's hard for us to stay away from each other, isn't it?" he pointed out, to which I nodded and replied, "I'd say so, yeah."

For a minute, I didn't know what to say. There was no awkwardness between the two of us -definitely a plus- but I knew that it was tough for us to just sit there after being so heated. I reached down to grab my shoes after what felt like a lifetime and began to fit them back on my feet. Heels looked to have been the smart choice as I put them back on since I could just slip them on. "I'm sorry I didn't wish you a happy birthday," I conveyed as I stood up. It sounded like it came from nowhere, but it had been eating at me probably much more than it should have.

He shrugged from where he still sat on the bed, now looking much like he had before we came up here. "I deserved it. Don't worry about it."

I couldn't help but give a semblance of a smile. I took the few steps toward him once more and leaned down to kiss his cheek. When I straightened up, he was smiling like I hadn't seen him do since October. "I'm going to go say bye to everyone. Then I'm gonna head out," I told him just so he would know that I didn't mysteriously disappear after our accidental rendezvous. I only waited long enough to see that he had registered this before turning around to leave him alone. I really had no intention of saying goodbye to anyone else, knowing they were all busy. Instead, I took my coat from next to the front door and slipped outside. As I pulled it on, I realized that my phone was ringing from inside one of the pockets. I waited until I was behind the wheel to pull it free and see who was calling. It was like the universe knew when my life was swelling with emotions. I had just talked with Alex, so the other guy in my life would obviously have to make his appearance. The universe needed to mind it's own business.