Not What You Think

Maybe it's my fault.

Maybe if I had just told Kody how I felt then this wouldn't be happening.

I wouldn't be close to tears, clutching the phone to my ear, silently begging for the news I just received to be false.

But why would Kody lie to me? He's my best friend.

"Hello? Ryan? Are you still there?" His voice crackles over the speaker.

Kody's voice snaps me out of my inner thoughts long enough to answer. "Y-yeah, Uh, I'm-"

"Did you hear what I said?" He asks, annoyance lacing his voice slightly. If you didn't know him you probably wouldn't be able to detect it.

I did, in fact, hear what he just said. I just need a confirmation. "No, I'm sorry. I was distracted." I lie.

"Jeez, Ryan. You and your A.D.D..... I said that I'll be late to your's tonight. I'm going to see a movie with Denis." He repeats.

I swallow hard and nod even though he can't see me. "Oh. O-okay. I'll see you later then."

He sighs heavily and mumbles something that I probably wouldn't have been able to hear even if he were sitting right next to me. "Are you okay, Ryan?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I ask, voice shaking. He knows me too well for my own good. His too, actually.

Another heavy sigh sounds over the speaker as well as a little moan of frustration. "No reason, I guess. I'll see you around ten. Wait for me."

"Wouldn't dream of starting without you." I mumble, referring to our planned Harry Potter movie marathon.

We say our goodbyes and I throw myself onto my bed instead of pacing like I usually would.

Why would he go out with Denis? He already had plans with me! And Denis isn't even his boyfriend. Well, neither am I. Nobody is, for that matter.

But it's not from lack of interest. Many boys have shown interest in my best friend. It's only a matter of him showing interest back, which he hasn't. Not until Denis started flirting with him.

Once that started I could feel the grasp I had on Kody's attention slip away from me. We used to hang out all the time. Movies, dinner, bowling, mini-golf, go-karts, lazer tag, sleep overs. You know, best friend stuff.

Now I have to compete for his time. I have to compete with Denis, someone who Kody is obviously in love with.

But see, here's the problem. Kody can't be in love with him. If Kody falls for Denis then Denis will fall too. If Denis falls then I will never, never, get my best friend back.

I'll never get my Kody back. The one I'm in love with.

So, really, it's all my fault.

Maybe if I had just told Kody that I love him, maybe if I wasn't such a coward, maybe if I had half the balls Denis does, well, maybe I wouldn't be feeling like this.

I sit in my room and sulk for a good two hours before realizing that Kody will be here in forty-five minutes. I begrudgingly get up and start setting up for our all nighter. I pull out all six of the movies and dial our favorite pizza place, ordering two large pies. One of them is to be smothered in pepperoni and bacon (his favorite) and the other is to be plain white (my favorite). Then I drag out all of the blankets from the linen closet and throw them on the floor, where we'll inevitably end up.

I run up the stairs quickly and grab the pillows from my bed and lay them on the couch, making sure that the fluffy blue one is on Kody's end because it's his favorite.

The door opens and my heart rate speeds up. Since he's my best friend my parents trust him with a key. Knocking and doorbells aren't necessary.

"Hello?" His voice comes from the foyer.

"Living rom!" I call back.

He walks in and his lips stretch into a grin. "Hey Ryry."

My heart speeds up even more upon the use of my nickname. "Hi Kody."

My mind runs over a thousand more words to say to him. A thousand words that would tell him exactly how I feel. A thousand words that could make him mine.

I adore you.
I want you.
I need you.
I can't stop thinking about you.
I am crazy about you.
I madly desire you.
I want nothing more than to be with you.
I just love you.

However, I don't say any of them. Why? Because he's my best friend and I'm a coward.

He walks over to where I'm sitting on the couch and plops down at my side, resting an arm around my shoulders in a hug. "I'm sorry I'm late."

I lean into him in my own form of hug. "No problem. You ready to start?"

"I'm going to go grab a pair of Jim-jams first, if that's okay?"

"Go ahead, you know where they are." I wave him off and watch him leave.

Suddenly the doorbell rings and I spring up. The pizza guy is all business which makes the transaction quick and easy which I'm thankful for. I'm always so awkward around people.

I carry the pizza back into the living room where Kody is now laying stretched out across the couch. His eyes light up as I set the boxes onto the table. "You're a god."

"Hey, I didn't make the pizza, I just ordered it." I laugh, sitting on the far end of the couch and placing his feet in my lap.

"Yes but the fact that you thought of ordering makes you a god. And I bet you even got my favorite." Kody sits up and pulls the lid to his pizza open. "I knew it. You're too good for me."

A twinge of pain races through my body because I know he doesn't mean it in the way I want him to.

Kody picks up the remote and presses play, grabbing a blanket off the floor and cuddling up to my side.

We watch the first movie going through the appropriate emotions. Laughing when there's a joke, near tears when Harry gazes in the mirror of Erised, amazement when he defeats he-who-must-not-be-named, joy when Harry turns out to be alive. Even though we've both know what happens, the emotion is what makes it our thing.

We get through two more movies before the clock strikes five (in the morning, mind you). Kody is sprawled out on the floor, passed out and I decide that the other two movies can wait until the morning.

I slide onto the carpet facing him and just watch him sleep. Creepy? Kinda but I know Kody wouldn't mind and that's what makes this okay.

I reach out and run my fingers across his perfect features, sliding my thumb under his eyes and over his lips. God, how I wish I could just feel those lips on mine.

"Ryry?" His lips move beneath my fingers and I yank my hand back. "What're you doing?"

"Nothing." My eyes widen as his flutter open.

"Clearly you were doing something." He murmurs. I stay quiet refusing to answer. He stares at me, a look of blatant frustration on his face. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Kody. You know you can ask me anything."

"Does it bother you that I go out with Denis?" He asks bluntly.

My heart stops. "Wait. You're going out?"

"Not going out going out. Like, just hanging out." He backpedals.

"Why would it bother me?" I ask slowly, trying to keep my composure.

"I dunno. I was....nothing. Never mind." Kody rolls over, back facing me.

"No no. You started. Now finish." I demand. He knows how much I hate that.

He pivots his shoulders so that his face is facing me but his legs are turned away. "Well, okay. I was kind of hoping that it'd bother you. I was hoping to get some kind of reaction."

I back away from him, dumbfounded. "Why? Do you want to hurt me?"

"No! I never want to hurt you. I thought....well, honestly I thought you liked me. And, I mean, I like you. A lot. But I didn't want to be the first to admit it. I thought that if I made you jealous you'd admit it but I guess I was wrong. Am I, Ryan? Am I wrong?"

I stare at him once again, refraining from answering.

"I knew I was being stupid." He let's out a bitter laugh and pulls a blanket over himself. "Just forget I said anything. Please. I don't want this to ruin what we have." He begs.

"I don't want to forget this, Kody, because I feel the same." I whisper, inching closer. "Why couldn't you just tell me?"

He sighs and runs his hand over his face. "I don't know how to explain it. Like, you're waiting for a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope the train will take you but you can't be sure. Yet, for whatever reason, it doesn't matter."

I stare at him for a second before laughing. "That doesn't make any sense, Kody."

"I know." He closes his eyes and breathes deeply before opening them and boring holes into my flesh with his brilliant eyes. "It doesn't make sense because I'm tired and cold and scared."

I scoot even closer to him and pull his head into my chest. "Don't be scared. I like you too. That's not anything to be scared about, right?"

He nods his head and wraps his arms around me tightly. "You're right. You're always right, Ryry. I'm sorry about Denis. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just wanted you to like me."

I roll my eyes. If only he knew. "I do. I really really do."

"I didn't think you would be able to." He admits. "You know everything about me. All the ugly horrible things."

I push away from him just enough to see his face. "If you could see yourself, just for a day, you'd see how everyone else sees you. And oh my god, you are fucking beautiful."

He looks at me, eyes watering at the compliment. "Do you really think that?"

I nod, smiling, and lean over so close that he'd only have to reach over a few inches to kiss me. And he does. Kiss me, that is.

I don't want to be cliché and say that every fiber of my being buzzed with electricity or that he's 'the one'. I don't want to but if I didn't then I'd be lying and I'm not a liar.

I prop Kody's favorite fuzzy blue pillow under our heads and snuggle further under the blanket with him.

Maybe it's his fault, but I've never felt so good.