Alex Gaskarth Must Die

It’s been two months since Project Alex began, and through September and October Lauren and Alex have become the It couple at school. Discussions on how cute they are together and how it’s just so nice that he’s not wearing his normal uniform of jeans with holes in them and giant skate shoes are still circulating the school, and it’s starting to look like Brittany’s got some real competition for prom queen. I’ve still got some doubt that the whole thing’s gonna pull through, but Brittany’s got faith in Lauren’s acting abilities; she wasn’t Juliet in the school play for nothing.

‘They really are cute,’ Zoe says softly and a little sadly, swirling her spoon around in her vanilla ice cream. Robin and Brittany roll their eyes together as they glance at the couple four tables away from us.

‘They almost look like a real couple,’ Robin deadpans as we watch them giggle and feed each other cherries from the top of their sundae.

‘Things keep going this well, we’ll have his heart in a blender by the end of the year,’ Brittany says matter-of-factly.

‘I still don’t think he deserves it,’ Zoe says.

‘How many girls has he done this to? He’s an asshole,’ Robin says, while Brittany just sighs with the air of someone who’s heard the same argument a million times over. Zoe and I have taken more of a Pity Party for Alex side on the whole thing; Robin and Brittany are on the Don’t Care, But it’s Fun! side of things.

‘He is,’ I admit, ‘but I still feel bad for him.’ We look over at them again, the very picture of young love and everything that happens in movies. Alex doesn’t even know it’s real.

‘He’s like… He’s like a puppy,’ Zoe says. When we all look at her with confused expressions, she hurries on quickly. ‘I mean, like, a puppy that you’re taking to get put down. Because you’re taking it to get killed and it doesn’t know.’

‘No,’ I say as we all burst out laughing. Zoe flushes and turns the colour of her red cheerleading jacket.

‘Such a bad simile,’ Robin agrees.

‘Just trust me. If anyone deserves this, it’s Alex,’ Brittany says, and then stands and claps her hands briskly. ‘Now let’s go see our movie! I need me some Austen,’ she adds, waving around our movie tickets.

‘Ugh, I don’t need Keira Knightley looking prettier drenched in rain than I will on prom night,’ Robin groans melodramatically, flopping back in her seat.

‘I need dripping Darcy in a white shirt, that’s for sure,’ I say, scooping up our empty Ben & Jerry’s cups and tossing them into the trash can as Brittany and I walk towards the exit.

‘No!’ Robin laughs, cackling wildly as Zoe pokes her in an effort to get her up.

‘Come on, come on,’ we laugh. ‘Sour Patch Kids are waiting at the movie theatre!’

‘I’m there, I’m there,’ she says, jumping up and rushing to the door as Zoe yells indignantly at being left behind.

- - -

‘So how was it?’ Robin finally asks as she, Brittany, Lauren, Zoe, and I are all sitting on our beds at night. Our weekly sleepovers have mostly deteriorated into just a sleepover, period, rather than an intense Bring Alex Down meeting, so we haven’t really gotten around to the Alex topic in a while.

‘The date today, you mean?’ Lauren asks. She flips a page in her issue of Seventeen, looking bored.

‘Yeah,’ Zoe says from behind me without looking up from her toes, which she’s painting a dark navy blue. ‘Agh,’ she winces quietly, grimacing and reaching for a cotton swab.

‘It was normal,’ Lauren says, shrugging. ‘Nothing different. I don’t think his friends like me very much, though.’

‘Why not?’ Brittany asks from her plush bed where she’s propped up on a mountain of satin pillows as we lie on our little guest beds. Honestly though, these beds are filled with down feathers so they’re pretty good as is.

‘Who knows. I think it might be ‘cause Alex and I are spending so much time together, though.’

Brittany nods. ‘Plan’s going fine though, right?’

‘Yep.’ Lauren grins toothily. ‘We’ll have him falling fast in no time.’

- - -

Jack B. to Rebecca H. on 11/15/05
rebecccaaaaaa
i dont like alex’s gf

Rebecca H. to Jack B.
why not? she’s nice.

Jack B. to Rebecca H.
he keeps skipping band practice to go hang out with her

Rebecca H. to Jack B.
if i’ve heard correctly, all you guys are doing is playing halo and eating his pantry out

Jack B. to Rebecca H.
yeah

Rebecca H. to Jack B.
so the problem is…?

Jack B. to Rebecca H.
nobody else is on my team for halo!!!!!!!