Alex Gaskarth Must Die

‘Hola me amo!’ bleats the voice on the other side of my phone in some strange semblance of a Mexican accent.

‘Allo?’ I say in reply, feigning confusion as I turn away slightly from Robin and Zoe to hear better. ‘Pardon, je ne parle pas mexicain.’

‘Uh- But, oui, oui! Bonjour!’ Jack says from the other side.

‘Ah! Parlez-vous français? Bien! Comment allez-vous?’ I say enthusiastically, stifling a laugh at Jack’s failed attempt at a prank.

‘Uh- Shit-’ The line crackles for a second, where I can faintly hear him asking someone how to speak French. ‘How the fuck and I supposed to know?’ a vague voice says over the line. ‘Uh- Excusez moi,’ he says and pauses. ‘Ah! C’est- C’est you!’ Two arms pop out of nowhere and wrap themselves around my head as Jack screeches, in English this time, ‘Surprise!’

‘Hi Jack,’ I say against his arm, my words barely coming out at all. ‘Jack,’ I say again. ‘Jack!’ His arms are shaking with laughter, making my head shake as well. ‘I’m going to bite you if you don’t let go,’ I warn, but the words probably don’t get through.

‘Fuck! Fucking fuck fuck, woman!’ He recoils in horror, extending his arm like he’s contracted a deadly virus in that one limb, and waves it around uselessly.

‘Eugh,’ I say, running my hands over my face as I blink and adjust my eyes back to the bright light of Dulaney in the afternoon. Robin laughs at Jack, who’s insisting that Zoe give him some more hand sanitizer for him to clean it up with.

‘Okay, okay!’ she’s saying, squeezing out a small pool of Purell on the spot on his arm with faint teeth marks. ‘There, happy?’

‘Can you rub it in?’

‘Pushing it, Barakat,’ Robin laughs as Zoe makes a face and backs away from him.

‘Fine,’ he laughs, and rubs up and down his arms to rid himself of my germs. ‘Vicious.’ He glares at me, wincing over-dramatically.

‘You were that one that was suffocating me,’ I say, raising my hands in self defense.

‘I was hugging you! Hugging!’ he insists. ‘Like kissing, only with the arms!’

‘And not wet,’ Robin adds.

‘Yeah!’ Jack nods earnestly as Robin looks at him with the air of an amused babysitter and Zoe and I just shake our heads and laugh at him. He turns then, towards Alex who’s approaching in his car with Lauren riding shotgun.

‘Hey, Jack,’ Alex says through the open car window. Jack leans down to talk to him and the three of us girls peek around him. ‘You’re gonna have to get another ride home, I’m going with Lauren.’ She smiles a little bitchily and wiggles a few fingers before returning to her phone, which she’s texting on with one hand- the other hand’s in Alex’s.

‘You’re bailing on me again?’ Jack groans and hits the side of the car lightly. ‘Fuck you, man.’

‘Chicks before dicks,’ he says with a grin.

‘More like vaginas before friends,’ he grumbles, but waves a forgiving hand for Alex to go on without him.

‘Thanks, bro.’ They do some sort of fist bump thing, Alex nods and smiles in acknowledgement to us, and then they ride off. Jack sighs and turns back to us.

‘So, Rebecca,’ he begins, sidling up to me and widening his eyes a little.

‘Yes, Jack, you can ride shotgun,’ I say wearily, but I’m smiling so it doesn’t quite have the same effect. ‘Hey, I’ll see you guys Monday.’

‘Yeah,’ Zoe nods, giving me a parting hug.

‘Later,’ says Robin. I wave one last time as the two girls leave and then slide into my car and pull my seat belt on.

‘So. Where d’you live?’ I ask Jack.

‘Uh- I was kinda hoping you could help me on the science lab?’ he asks somewhat sheepishly.

‘My place it is.’

‘Whoo!’ He claps his hands and laughs triumphantly before going down to rifle through my collection CDs. ‘Dude, Enema of the State isn’t in here?’

‘It’s at home, sorry.’ I shrug apologetically as I back the car out and start on my way home. ‘And I thought that one song on Pants and Jacket was your favourite?’

‘Yeah, Rock Show.’ He nods and flips through a few more CDs before shoving one into the disc player and hitting the fast forward button a few times in quick succession. ‘I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend,’ he begins, starting on the air guitar.

‘And I would understaaaand!’ We’re both screaming wildly by the time I pull into my garage, Jack still on the air guitar and me still half on the drums. I can’t do much driving, but my fingers can still tap out a small beat on the steering wheel. As we jump out the car, Jack finishes dramatically with a last riff that rings out until my brother bursts in. He’s tall and lanky for his age, fifteen, and has that flippy surfer hair that every college guy in Florida seemed to have. Dustin’s pretty preppy as far as brothers go, but we get along alright when he’s not trying desperately to impress his friends by ‘being cool’.

‘Yo,’ he’s saying, but stops once he sees the positions Jack and I are in- Jack with one leg in the air, swinging his arm around an invisible guitar and me squatting awkwardly with my arms across an equally invisible drum set. ‘Uh…’

‘Hi,’ Jack says smoothly, stifling a laugh as he pretends not to notice the awkwardness. ‘Jack,’ he introduces.

‘Yeah, I know,’ he says. ‘Your sister used to babysit me.’ Jack and I furrow our brows in confusion.

‘She did?’ I ask.

‘She did.’ Dustin rolls his eyes. ‘Anyway, mom needs you to drop me off at soccer later tonight.’

‘Tonight?’ I say incredulously. ‘I can’t. I’ve got something going on.’ I wave my hand towards Jack impatiently; ever since I finally passed my driver’s test four months ago, I’ve suddenly become the resident chauffeur of the Hall family. Need a soccer ball because you kicked it into that one scary neighbor’s pool? I’m there. Need to have an ‘emergency’ trip to the mall with your thirteen year old friends for your first ever junior high dance? Rebecca at your service. Whatever my younger siblings, Dustin and Jane needed to do, I was the one to drive them there.

‘You can put off your…’ Dustin casts a disdainful glance towards Jack, who wiggles his eyebrows and goes cross-eyed for a second, and looks back at me. ‘Boyfriend for a minute,’ he finishes.

‘Okay, Jack is not my boyfriend,’ I say, rolling my eyes and pushing past Dustin into my house. ‘Mom!’ I call, motioning for Jack to follow. Dustin just barges right past.

‘Yes, honey?’ My mother appears in the hallway, looking slightly frazzled as she clutches a pile of papers in her arm and walks towards us. Mom looks like me, although we’ve always said that I get my looks from my mother and my personality from my father. She’s the extrovert of the family, always going out to potlucks and organizing picnics for random occasions, while Dad and I mainly prefer to stay at home and bury ourselves in a marathon of The Office or shut the blinds and dance around to Nirvana. She’s got curly brown hair like me, although she straightens hers into a short bob. Her eyes are wide and brown, and give the impression of a welcome openness that does wonders for her job as a sixth grade teacher.

‘I have something later tonight, so could you drive Dustin to his soccer thing?’

‘What do you have?’

‘Um… Cheerleading,’ I answer. Ever since I ‘joined’ the cheerleading squad, it’s been my default excuse for everything.

‘Cheerleading,’ my mom repeats. She looks at me dubiously.

‘Yeah,’ I nod. ‘We have a game in a couple weeks and we’re practicing. They’re our rivals,’ I explain, hoping desperately she won’t see through my blatant lie.

‘Hm.’ She pauses and stares me down for a while, but seems to relent finally. ‘When does your cheerleading practice start?’

‘Five,’ I scramble. ‘We’re having dinner there,’ I add. ‘Some kind of mega protein diet Brittany’s introducing.’

‘Too bad,’ she sighs. ‘Dustin’s practice starts at seven and I guess you’ll already be practicing by then.’

‘Yeah,’ I agree, hanging my head sadly. ‘We end at ten, too, so I can’t pick him up either.’

‘Fine. I’ll just tear your dad away from that new Duran Duran DVD-’

‘Live From London,’ I add helpfully with a grin.

‘-so he can send him. Hi, Jack,’ she smiles.

‘Uh- Hi, Mrs Hall,’ he replies.

‘I’m helping him with science,’ I say hurriedly before my mother can get any ideas. We don’t talk about it, but I know my mom’s already getting irrationally worried about me dying an old spinster. I guess it makes sense, since my parents knew each other as early as middle school, but it’s still ridiculous.

‘Of course.’ She smiles graciously, as if not a word I’ve said is going into her head and nods as she turns to go back to her study. ‘You kids have fun.’

‘Mmhmm,’ I say, rolling my eyes. ‘Come on, Jack, let’s get some food.’

- - -

‘So,’ Jack says once it’s five o’clock and we’re driving towards- I don’t know, actually. I’m just driving and turning according to his directions. All of my cheerleading equipment is in the back trunk, since I had to put up a front to get out under my mom’s watchful gaze. I figure I can’t exactly just drive around by myself around Baltimore - I’m still too scared of the streets at night to do that - so hanging out with Jack will have to do. ‘Your brother’s like a total frat boy already,’ he grins, cracking up.

‘Shut up,’ I laugh in agreement. ‘I tried to turn him on to The Clash and Blink, but it wouldn’t take.’

‘Lemme guess, he listens to Eminem.’

‘No, actually,’ I say, wincing already. ‘Doesn’t really listen to music at all.’

‘No.’ Jack gapes in horror as I nod solemnly alongside him, both of us unable to fathom a life without music. ‘How does he live?’

‘Soccer and video games,’ I shrug. ‘And girls, although I have it on good authority that he’s barely even reached second base.’

‘God, you’re like the protective older sister I have,’ he says.

‘Oh yeah- May, right?’

‘Yeah. She’s like, twenty six now, still watches me like a fucking hawk.’

‘Hey, all in the name of STD and baby prevention,’ I say, defending my position as an older sister.

‘Pfft, I use protection!’ he scoffs.

‘Of course you do,’ I say casually, even though his flippant referral to sex has me cringing. As a virgin who’s only ever been kissed maybe eight times in total, these things are totally foreign to me. I’m not saving myself for marriage or anything, but it’s still scary and makes me feel inexperienced and immature next to people who’ve already done it. But then again, spend ten minutes next to Jack and your maturity levels are reaffirmed, with or without sex.

‘It is kind of hard to get a condom on in the janitor’s closet, though,’ he muses. ‘I’ve been considering going without it, but I don’t know-’

‘Ew!’ I say loudly, making a face. ‘Stop talking now, don’t need to know that, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut u-’

‘Right here,’ he laughs, pointing towards a driveway with the garage door open. I park outside the house and look up inside the open garage, which is set up with instruments, a sofa, fridge, and TV. In other words, every teenage boy’s dream. ‘Come on.’

‘Okay,’ I say, getting out after Jack. ‘Where are we?’

‘Alex’s house. Hey!’ he calls up the driveway, waving as seven pairs of heads that don’t include Alex pop up from behind the sofa.

‘Hey, we were waiting for you,’ Kara smiles, getting up and walking over to give us both hugs as we enter the garage. Jack reaches up and pulls the door shut; it clangs loudly and we’re left in total darkness, except for the bluish light coming from the TV where Fight Club is playing.

‘You brought a guest,’ Lisa says, nodding towards me. I still haven’t decided how I feel about Lisa; she seems nice enough, but in that too nice way that makes me kind of suspicious. I’m probably being ridiculous, but hey. I can tell she feels the same way about me.

‘Hey, Rebecca!’ Rian waves with a grin which Matt seconds. ‘Um, I don’t think you’ve met Jenna and Alexandra,’ he says, pushing his hair out of his eyes as he points towards two girls.

‘Call me Alex,’ the slightly chubbier girl with lighter coloured hair says with a smile.

‘Hi,’ I say. ‘Um- Isn’t this Alex’s house?’ I ask Jack, who’s turning to get some drinks from the fridge. He takes a beer for himself and hands a Capri Sun and Red Bull to me with a conspiratorial grin; the two drinks mixed together are my favourite, something he’s learnt quickly after an afternoon spent at my house.

‘Yeah, so?’

‘Alex isn’t here,’ I say slowly.

‘Probably upstairs fucking,’ he laughs. He pops the cap off the beer and turns to the rest of the crowd. ‘Hey, where’s Gasbarf?’

‘Upstairs with Lauren,’ Lisa says, rolling her eyes.

‘Again,’ Jenna adds.

‘Hey, he’s finally getting a good fuck consistently,’ Matt laughs. ‘We should be happy for him.’

‘Yeah, when he falls out of the janitor’s closet completely naked, I think that’s when we stop being happy for him,’ I say, smiling as everyone laughs.

‘It’s whatever though,’ Alexandra shrugs. ‘I mean, now we get free food-’ she nods towards the fridge ‘-and a place to hang out without any parents. Fair trade.’

‘We put up with his constant sex-’ Kara laughs.

‘-and he puts up with us stealing all his food,’ Lisa finishes.

- - -

Lauren D. to Rebecca H. (CC) on 11/26/05
i fucked up.