Alex Gaskarth Must Die

‘Hey,’ Rian says, looking surprised when he opens the door and finds me standing there with a package. ‘I didn’t think you were coming.’

‘Well, I did say yes,’ I smile. He looks vaguely worried about something, shifting from foot to foot and opening the door just enough so he can stand there but I can’t see past. He looks behind him, sighs quietly, and then turns back to me.

‘Here, come in,’ he beckons, opening the door up fully to make room for me.

‘Yeah, sure.’ I smile and hand him his present once we’re both inside, worrying a little if he’ll like it or think it’s weird. I still don’t know Rian that well, so I just got him a pair of drumsticks and made him a cupcake. I hope it’s not too much of a cop-out. ‘I, um, didn’t really know what to get you, so it’s just a pair of drumsticks and a cupcake. Red velvet,’ I add.

‘Thanks,’ he says. He smiles in a sad kind of way, but I don’t ask what’s wrong. It’d be weird since we’re not exactly confidantes, and it’s probably something stupid like Rian’s high score being knocked out by someone. ‘We’re just, like, hanging right now and we’re gonna call for pizza later,’ he explains as he leads me through his house and into the living room.

We get there and I expect a greeting and maybe a crushing hug or two, but it’s just silence from everyone there. It’s a pretty generous crowd, a little more than I expected; Rian’s closest friends, and then a little more casual. Around thirty or forty, I estimate. Dead silence from all of them too, the kind that can’t be good. Everyone stops and freezes as soon as they see me, their conversations halting and their faces in that, oh shit, expression you get when the very thing you don’t want to happen does. My stomach plummets and my heart starts beating rapidly as I rack my brains furiously for why the hell everyone’s acting like this.

Rian coughs nervously next to me and shifts his feet around. ‘Rebecca got here,’ he says.

‘Y-Yeah, um, hi,’ I say.

Kara musters up a smile that at least looks sort of real and gets up to give me a hug and a greeting. She’s alone in a group of guys, probably because everyone else is vacationing with their families so close to Christmas. She turns back to the room and says, ‘Come on, guys- Who taught you your manners?’ She’s obviously trying to return the mood to what it was before I got here, and it isn’t working a bit, but I’m still grateful as Evan waves me over and pauses Guitar Hero.

‘Hi,’ he says, hugging me and smiling a little oddly.

‘Hi,’ Danny echoes, doing the same. The rest of the room follows, greeting me and giving me nods or hugs and slightly forced smiles. I sit down on the couch between Matt and Kara as the room drifts back into what it was before.

Kara and I talk, things about winter break and people we know, the usual, but everything’s still not right. It’s the little things; you’d miss them if you weren’t looking for them, but I am. Like Vinny stopping abruptly in the middle of saying something, coughing and looking away, or Kara and Rian giving each other these looks in their couple-language, and every once in a while someone glancing towards me and hurriedly away again when I catch them at it. It’s disconcerting, not to mention weird, as I can’t think of anything I’ve done that might merit this type of response. The only person I can really talk to about these kind of things is Jack, but as I look around the room and Kara fills me in on who’s here and who’s not, I realize that Jack and Alex are missing. I write them off as goofing off somewhere upstairs or getting pizza or something as Kara tells me about Lisa’s grandmother getting remarried to her grandfather, a mere three months after their divorce. Just as Danny beats Evan on Guitar Hero, sending up a chorus of cheers and groans, and Kara and I go through the teenage-girl-oohing-and-aahing part of any gossip story, Jack and Alex walk in.

They stop speaking as they see me, staring wide-eyed as the room around us goes silent and then, just as quickly, start talking again, in that nervous, panicky, and slightly too fast kind of way. Jack and Alex are glaring at each other as I stand up and announce that I’m going to order pizza in the kitchen. I don’t bother to look around as I almost sprint towards the kitchen and brace myself against a counter, breathing in, out, in, out to calm myself down. Oh, my God. I knew this was bad, but is it really this bad?

I tell myself that if I stay in here long enough, they’ll work out whatever problems they have and we’ll be fine when I get out. I’ve repeated it enough times for it to sound slightly off by now, the way a word gets when you say it too much, and I still know it’s a ridiculous idea. Way more than a best-case scenario, this dips into what-would-happen-in-a-perfect-world-that-I-control territory. Still, if everything’s not alright (which it probably will be), I can just give some excuse and run. Cowardly, yes, but infinitely preferable to any awkward confrontations there may or may not be. I go over the plan once more in my head and then pull the pizza menu from the fridge, smiling a little in relief when I see little black Rs penned next to Rian’s favourites. I pull out my phone and order three large pizzas with breadsticks and a bottle of soda, and am cheerfully informed that they’ll be arriving within half an hour. I hang up and slide my phone back in my pocket, running through my escape plan one more time as I prepare myself to go back. I can do this, I remind myself. I steel myself to turn around and walk through the door, when a cough sounds from behind me. Too caught up in my own thoughts, I jump as my mind leaps to a vivid murder sequence in which I am the victim. I turn around, though, and find it’s only Jack and Alex.

They look a little less uncomfortable than before, although still pretty bad compared to what they’re like normally. Jack has a resolute, determined expression on his face, and it looks kind of scary on him, to be honest. Alex is pointedly looking everywhere but at us two, hands deep inside his hoodie pockets as he glowers at the floor. It reminds me of that first day with the frogs, only today, everything’s different. I realise abruptly as I roll my eyes and think, Alex, that this could mean bad things for the plan, as well as my friendship with everyone here. Shit. Now it’s not just between me and maybe the thirty people here, it’s us and then all my best friends too. That’s whatever though, as long as I work out what’s going on here.

‘Hey,’ I say, deciding to avoid the topic for a while longer. ‘I was just, um, ordering pizza.’ I motion vaguely towards the menu on the fridge. Jack nods as he glares at Alex, elbowing him and then scoffing and rolling his eyes when he doesn’t respond.

‘Okay,’ Jack starts, turning towards me, ‘this is one of those moments where everyone else is being stupid and I’m the only one that’s not. So, I’m not gonna beat around the bush because problems don’t go away like that. Also, feelings are overrated.’ He adds the last bit as an afterthought. I smile a little at his words as he continues. ‘You two are gonna sort out this mess.’

‘Sure,’ I say. ‘So you guys are gonna tell me what’s going on?’

Alex snorts. Jack turns back to me with a small, slightly exasperated laugh. ‘Come on, Becca. You can’t pretend like you don’t know what happened.’

‘I…’ The smile fades from my face as I consider them. ‘I don’t know what happened.’

‘Yeah, right,’ Alex scoffs, still looking away from us.

‘Guys, I really don’t know what happened.’

‘Becca, seriously, stop pretending-’

‘No, seriously,’ I say, my temper flaring. ‘I’m pretending? I’m pretending that I don’t know why everyone’s treating me like this? I’m pretending that I don’t know why everyone - my friends - are walking on eggshells around me? I’m pretending?’ I stop abruptly and realise that I’ve taken a few steps forward and am now looking incredulously up at them. It’s a good position though, so I stay there.

They look back at me. Jack’s expression softens a little, while Alex remains as closed off as ever. ‘Oh,’ Jack says. ‘You really don’t know’

‘Yes, Jack. I really don’t know.’ Satisfied that my message has come across, I step back.

‘Well.’ He seems to consider something for a while before speaking. ‘What I said before still goes. Alex will fill you in. Sort it out. Fix this.’ He moves towards the door before we can stop him and shuts the door quickly. ‘Kiss and make up!’ he calls with a laugh. Alex makes a noise, sort of a snort-laugh-groan, as he walks over and tries the doorknob.

‘Locked,’ he says, more to himself than me. ‘Asshole!’ he calls to Jack.

‘Yeah,’ Jack calls back. ‘Don’t even think about trying the other doors, they’re all locked too. We’ll see you when you’re done!’ Alex tries the door a few more times, as if it’ll actually open up sometime if he just keeps at it. I sigh as my anger cools down and panic and worry replace it, prickling low in my gut, and pull myself onto the kitchen counter to wait for Alex. He gives up on the door and turns around, quickly looking away from me as he walks around the kitchen. He stalls by getting a glass of water and sipping for a while. Then he walks over, in front and a little to the side, and speaks.

‘So,’ he starts, looking down at his glass and not me. ‘You really don’t know.’

‘Yeah.’

He makes a little murmur and looks inquisitively up at me. ‘So, you don’t remember anything.’ I nod. ‘Anything at all.’ I nod again. ‘Okay.’ He huffs a nervous laugh and leans against the counter next to me, putting down his drink and crossing his arms. ‘God.’

‘Hey, just spit it out,’ I say, pushing his arm. I do it gently, but he flinches away at the touch as if he’s been burned. My arms snap back and we both look away from each other, what little comfort we’d been able to achieve shattered. He runs back to the fridge, quickly and then slowly, to drag out the moments before we talk again. Crap. Shit. Fuck. What have I done? It must be bad. I cross my ankles and pull the hoodie I borrowed from Robin a little further down my arms. I wish she were here right now, in the flesh, instead of just her clothes. But okay. We can figure this out. I can figure this out. I go through everything that’s happened in the past month to do with everyone here. There’s a lot. But the bad stuff? None. Hell, I haven’t even talked to anyone here for the past week. I race through several different explanations, all of them outlandish and far-fetched, before I land on a horribly simple one. Too simple. I hear Robin in my mind saying, The simplest answer is the right one. Occam’s razor, and my stomach plummets through the floor. It can only be one thing now. They’ve found out about the plan. That has to be it. They’ve found out that I, a supposed ‘friend’, am in a ridiculous plot to break Alex’s heart. That has to be it. There can’t be anything else that could have gone wrong.

I shake aside that, and everything that’s going to come afterwards (Oh God, Brittany. Oh God, Lauren. Oh God, school.) and gear myself up to ask Alex until he comes out with it. But he beats me to it.

‘The party,’ he says, his back still turned. ‘The Christmas one.’ I nod even though he can’t see me. ‘What… What did you do there?’ He turns around then, and looks me in the eyes, searching for something.

‘Um…’ I frown at him, in a What does this have to do with anything? kind of way, just as the answer comes out of my mouth: ‘I don’t know, I got completely wasted.’ He stays silent as I figure it out. ‘Oh,’ I mutter. ‘Oh.’ Something I did drunk, then. Probably spilled my guts to Jack, who then came clean to Alex.

Alex nods. ‘Do you remember anything about that night?’

I shake my head. ‘A little, but not much,’ I say, speaking to myself as much as I am to him. I backtrack in my mind, starting from arriving in Brittany’s car. ‘We got there, Robin, Brittany, and I, and then I had a screwdriver, I think. I hung around and talked for a while, but then I started doing shots with Tyler. After that, it’s just… gone.’ I stay silent, thinking over and trying to get anything else I can from that night. It feels like a ruined photograph, alcohol spilled over and blurring everything into colours and vague shapes. ‘I was… dancing. And there was mistletoe everywhere. I think I, um, kissed a lot of people,’ I mumble sheepishly. Truthfully, I know I kissed a lot of people, and I know how many too. But I don’t know who, and that’s what bothers me. A list I had on one hand before that one night now takes up all my fingers and toes, and the names… Well, it’s pretty generous calling what I have ‘names’. They’re more like, Tall Guy Visiting His Family Over The Holidays And Leaving Next Week or Hottest Guy I’ve Ever Actually Seen In Person, Not To Mention You Have An English Accent And Go To College In New York City. On the plus side, kissing was no longer a big issue for me, something that had been bothering me whenever I heard the cheerleaders toss it out.

‘Well,’ Alex says slowly. ‘Uh- Look, I don’t know how else to say this, but, um, uh…’ He pauses again, and then says his next words in a rush. ‘At the party we kissed.’

Relief floods through me - they don’t know about the plan! - before I can even think about it and I almost laugh out loud at how trivial it is. I mean, okay, sure, now a little part of me kind of wants to know what it would feel like to kiss Alex Gaskarth after hearing so much about his skills in the bedroom department and the girls are going to be over the moon when they hear about this, but mostly: Thank God. It wasn’t anything like murder, or long-lost siblings, or anything like that. It was just a kiss.

Alex is still waiting for me to say something as he looks at me cautiously from the other side of the kitchen. ‘Okay,’ I say, still keeping my face straight. But I can’t hold it, and I break into a smile. ‘Good.’

‘Good?’ He looks almost scared at this turn of events.

‘Oh, no,’ I say, realising how I must sound, ‘not like that. I’m just… relieved.’

‘You’re relieved?’ He still sounds slightly unbelieving of the whole thing.

‘Yeah,’ I nod. He walks over to stand where he was before and folds his arms again as he stares at me. I smile a little at him as my stomach loosens up and I can breathe again. ‘I’m just glad it was something small like that and not, I don’t know, me turning out to have murdered ten people that night.’ He still looks a bit worried, so I add,‘It was just a kiss, Alex. That’s it. We’re good.’

‘Yeah,’ he nods. ‘Yeah.’ And he grins and pulls me in for a short hug. ‘Yeah. We’re good.’

- - -

It turns out though, that we’re not good, because the next day, Alex shows up at my bedroom door.

‘Hi, Alex,’ I say, surprised, from where I’m sitting on my bed and fiddling around on the family laptop. I just got Photoshop for Christmas and I don’t have my own laptop yet (my parents have promised me one once I go off for college, though), so I’ve essentially just stolen the family one, much to my siblings’ chagrin.

‘Hi,’ Alex says. ‘Your mom let me in.’

‘Uh- What are you doing here?’

He shifts around from foot to foot. ‘Um,’ he says, and then stops.

I push the laptop onto my bedside table and sit up a bit straighter. ‘Do you want to come in?’ I offer.

He nods, steps in, and looks around my room. It’s pretty boring, as far as rooms go: a bed pushed up to the corner, a desk, three bookshelves, one of those swivel chairs, and two beanbags stolen from my brother. And then, assorted knick knacks, magazines, and random things scattered around, and photographs pinned on the corkboard above my desk. Typical teenage-girl-ness. Alex spends a while looking at the photos I have; candids of my friends and family, and a fair bit of concerts too. He returns to the middle of the room and remains standing.

‘Um, so, what’s up?’

‘I want to talk,’ he starts. ‘About yesterday. What we said there.’ I nod, not sure where he’s going. After all, after we worked everything out yesterday, we went back to just being as we were before. We had a good laugh about everything, how we were all worked up over nothing, and then we went back to your regularly scheduled programming of penis jokes and music worship. I still haven’t talked to the girls about it (I’ve, uh, sort of been avoiding their calls actually.) but I figure I’ll do that when we get back to school. I’ll endure a week of Oh my God, why didn’t you say anything? and Oh my God, why didn’t you make a move? and then everything will be back to normal.

‘And the Christmas party,’ Alex adds. ‘What we did there.’

‘Okay,’ I say cautiously, slowly.

‘You don’t remember anything about it. I don’t really either, just part of it. We were going down to the basement to get more drinks and you told me that the rain makes you smile, although the actual getting wet part isn’t so great. I told you I liked sprinkles but not downpours, and sometimes downpours but not sprinkles.’ When I give him a confused look, he shrugs and says, ‘I was drunk, what can I say?’ I laugh and he continues. ‘We got the drinks and there was mistletoe on the doorway so we just kind of ended up kissing. I don’t remember anything about the actual kiss,’ he admits.

‘So what’s the problem?’

He huffs a sigh. ‘We said we were good. We can’t be good. Or, I don’t want us to be good. ‘Cause, you’re not just a girl, you’re my friend too, but you’re funny and sexy and even though I can’t remember anything about the kiss, I can’t stop thinking about you. So I was wondering, would you like to go out on a date with me? Sometime?’

I blink, my brain still stuck way back on the part about rain. I process it slowly, everything going in but not really going through until ten seconds later. He says I’m funny and sexy. Okay. Confidence boost, for sure. He can’t remember anything about the kiss. Good, I can’t either. He can’t stop thinking about me. Not so good, for me, but good for the plan. He wants to go out with me. My first reaction is plain, plain horror. Alex Gaskarth wants to go out with me? Jesus, how about no no no no no. Because what he says is true: I am his friend, and I know all about his ways with girls. There’s no way I would want to go out with him. He’s a good friend, funny and pretty loyal, as far as I can tell, but a terrible boyfriend, all talk and nothing else.

Something must show on my face, because he starts backtracking quickly. ‘Never mind- I mean- If you don’t- We can just- Forget it- Forget I came here- This is-’

He’s interrupted by my phone ringing. ‘Wait,’ I say, ‘lemme get this…’ I retrieve it from my bedside table, my gaze landing on the photo of Brittany and Lauren I was retouching on the laptop as I hit Ignore. I look back at Alex. He looks at me expectantly, a little hopefully. I look back at Brittany and Lauren. Oh, God, I think, already feeling queasy, This better be worth it.

‘No, Alex,’ I start, standing up too. I feel faintly ridiculous and a whole lot scared, but I forge ahead. You are trying to seduce Alex Gaskarth, a treacherous part of my brain says. Who uses the word ‘seduce’, anyway? another part answers, before just going back to: Oh, God, oh God, oh God, what are you doing, stop it, stop it now. ‘Alex, I… I don’t know what to say.’ At least it’s honest. I look up at him and step closer, closer, closer, until we can feel each other breathing. He makes the first move, tilting his head and moving in. I follow, although I’m keeping my eyes open, nervously looking towards the door and hoping none of my family thinks to walk past right around now. I close them at the last second, right before our lips touch.

My heart’s hammering in my chest, but more out of nervousness at being caught than Alex being here. He reaches up to cup my face and I pull him in by his belt loops. The kiss is… well, a kiss. Wet, is the first word to come to mind. It’s at least faintly enjoyable, as Alex is nice and easy on the eyes. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s more or less just as enjoyable as every other kiss I’ve had. I’ve never had those fireworks or crazy sparks that you hear about; just tongue and lips and another person crushed against you. That stuff probably doesn’t even exist. I smile into the kiss, thinking how absolutely ridiculous this whole thing is, and he nips back. There’s a floaty feeling somewhere in the bottom of my chest. I’m the one to break away.

‘Door’s open,’ I say hurriedly, gasping a little for breath. He’s grinning now, the light back in his eyes. He catches one of my hands, squeezes, and doesn’t let go. I push him towards the door as I race through all the options I have. Send Brittany and Lauren over the moon; have myself become the girl I always said I wouldn’t be; get back to work; follow Alex; let him stay; make him go; throw myself at him; don’t.

‘Go,’ I say, ‘you should go. We’re not doing this.’ I pull my hand away and step back.

Alex shakes his head but still walks out, smiling faintly. ‘Walk me to the door, at least?’ he calls back. I scoff, but still follow. It’s the least I can do for Brittany.

He opens it and pulls me back in for a kiss almost immediately. ‘What- God- No!’ I push Alex away and out, giving him one last glare before I shut the door in his face. Jesus Christ. Persistent asshole.

‘What the hell!’ he yells, tapping the glass next to the door.

I wrench open the door. ‘Go away,’ I hiss, happy that I’m actually saying what I mean now and not just making out with him for the sake of other people. Even if the other people are my friends, I’d have to be seriously masochistic to sincerely want to go out with Alex. ‘I never actually agreed to go out with you. Or anything, in fact.’

‘You kissed me!’

‘It was a kiss, Alex, it didn’t mean anything. Now go away. And don’t come back.’

- - -

Rebecca H. to Robin B. on 12/29/05
so how’s xmas at the butler’s faring?

Robin B. to Rebecca H.
same old, same old. big, expensive presents from the parental units. expensive dinner out. ah, the beauty of divorce.

Rebecca H. to Robin B.
you make it sound like some kind of institution, jesus.
did nick and gemma call?

Robin B. to Rebecca H.
course. how could they not?
oxford and columbia are good, they say.

Rebecca H. to Robin B.
how about when the parental units are off the phone?

Robin B. to Rebecca H.
uh, gemma had a pregnancy scare. (2 actually)
then she got rejected for like the 10th time for an internship at some fashion magazine. but she’s back working at bloomingdale’s

Rebecca H. to Robin B.
nice. how about nick and the british?

Robin B. to Rebecca H.
2 girlfriends, one from paris doing study abroad there, and one at oxford but absolutely swamped in work. he’s picked up an accent, actually. just a small one.

Rebecca H. to Robin B.
!!!!!!!

Robin B. to Rebecca H.
he sounds like hugh grant now.

Rebecca H. to Robin B.
when he comes back, the girls will be alllll over him. he’ll love it.

Robin B. to Rebecca H.
and the worst part is, i’m pretty sure he’s not even faking it.
you guys?

Rebecca H. to Robin B.
not much. we’ve locked ourselves up to play with all the presents.
gaskarth dropped by, btw.

Robin B. to Rebecca H.
and you let me go on and on about nick and gemma????
tell me everything.

Rebecca H. to Robin B.
we kissed. he wants to go out with me.
i’m not sure if i should be bashing my head in with a rock or dancing in circles.

Robin B. to Rebecca H.
wow. so what are you gonna do?

Rebecca H. to Robin B.
hide in terror from everything until brittany and lauren come along and make me accept.

Robin B. to Rebecca H.
ah, the romance.

Rebecca H. to Robin B.
i hate everything.

Robin B. to Rebecca H.
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Rebecca H. to Robin B.
goddammit robin.

Robin B. to Rebecca H.
(Message Empty)
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Rebecca H. to Robin B.
i’m switching my phone off.
i will enjoy 4 more days of a blissful robin-free existence.
ps: please don’t tell brittany/lauren/zoe/anyone

Robin B. to Rebecca H.
mum’s the word. ;)
have fun w photoshop; see you monday.