Opposites Always Attract.

It was 7.30 on a Wednesday morning; I was casually making my breakfast listening to the radio, when the horror of all horrors began.

”7am waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs –“

“No” I muttered to myself, my eyes wide in terror.

”Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal”

“Oh, God no!” I leapt for the radio, dropping the knife I was using to spread the butter in my flourish to turn the radio off. I managed to turn the God awful song off before it got to the chorus. But it was too late, the song was stuck in my head, I nearly whimpered. I grabbed a clean knife, and buttered my toast, thankful that that morning I hadn’t chosen to eat cereal, because as of that moment, I never wanted to eat it again.

I continued getting ready for school while taking big bites out of my breakfast. It occurred to me that Gerard would be in school today, I literally did not know what to make of him anymore. I was almost scared of him in a way; I guess Tara was right to some extent. He was dangerous, but only to himself.

Finally I was ready for school, I straightened my black Blink 182 T-Shirt, which I wore over a flower printed mini-skirt. It was an odd match of clothing, but it worked well, at least Chloe couldn’t complain, my skirt showed off enough leg to make her happy, but not enough to make her jealous. I slipped my sunglasses onto my nose and I made my way outside, trying to ignore the feeling in my stomach, knowing it was caused because I was scared of seeing Gerard today. Why? I’m not sure, I couldn’t help feeling mildly responsible for what happened yesterday, even though it was not my fault in any way.

-

I first saw Gerard as soon as I exited my car once I was at school. He looked awful. He had dark shadows under his eyes, which I could spot from quite a distance, and his already pale skin had an almost grey tint to it, he didn’t look too impressed to be back at school. While Frank and Ray were giggling at his side, obviously back to normal, he had his arms crossed, his hood over his head, scowling with absolute hatred at the world around him. I soon came to realise that I would have to walk past him, this was going to be awkward.

Do I acknowledge him, do I not? Does he know I know? Does he want me to know? I’m staring at him, shit. Shit, look away before he realises. Fuck, he’s noticed. He’s staring back, what do I do, what do I do?

Time seemed to go in slow motion as I glided past Gerard, our eyes were locked. I couldn’t read his expression, it was impossible. Still to this day I cannot decide whether his eyes held so much emotion towards me, that it was hard to read, or that there was no emotion to read at all. Either way, he was looking at me, and he never smirked, not even once. I, myself, ended up staring at him, my mouth slightly open. I must have looked like a deer caught in headlights, like a child when they saw their first rainbow, like when you realise for the first time that, Mufasa isn’t going to get up in The Lion King...You get the idea.

I continued staring at him until I was literally straining my neck, and he was still looking at me, his lips held no smirk, not even a sign of a smile. I was lucky that I had no lessons with Gerard today, because I don’t think I could stand to see his shadowed eyes for a moment longer, not because they were frightening, but because they held so little expression, it was almost like he was dead.

-

Today was Thursday, and I had been dreading it. Today I had art, and I was petrified, as you could already guess, I still hadn’t spoken to Gerard. He seemed almost back to normal, his eyes were brighter, and his skin was less grey, but he had a certain aura around him. I walked to the back of the classroom, taking my seat next to Gerard; he didn’t so much as flinch when I thumped my bag down onto the table.

Once Mr Escobar had ordered us to continue our projects, I attempted conversation.

“Hi” I tried to sound perky, but I knew I sounded scared, my voice was wavering, almost like I was nervous.
He didn’t say anything; he just glared at me through his thick eyelashes.
“Are you okay?” I continued to be polite, and he continued to stare. Right, now he was taking the piss, I sat up straighter, taking a deep breath before saying
“Gerard, for God’s sake talk to m-“

“Did Frank tell you?” finally! He said something. His voice was raspy, almost like he hadn’t actually spoken since Monday.

“Did Frank tell me what?” I played innocent, not sure whether Gerard would be angry that I knew.
“Don’t play dumb, did he tell?”
“...Yeah, he did”

Gerard ran his hand through his hair, looking deeply troubled.
“For fuck sake” he whispered “Look, I know that you don’t want to work with me, and now you think I’m this emo fag who’s like, this major fucking depressed kid, alright? I-“

“I was never going to say that. I don’t think that” what had happened? Was Gerard telling me he’s worried about my reaction? All week I’ve been petrified of him because of what I’d learnt, and he was worried about what I thought of him!
“What do you mean? Frank told you about that stuff my ‘rents mentioned, right?”
“Yes?”
“And, what? You don’t like-“

“What? Gerard, just because that stuff happened to you does not make me dislike you any more. It’s just made me, I dunno, worried in a way”
“Worried, you’re worried, about me?”
“Yes. Aren’t I allowed to be? Especially when Frank said you ran off that same night, I don’t know what I would have done if something, you know, happened to you”
“Why would you care?”

“Because I do! I feel almost, responsible, be-“
“You feel responsible? About what?! You don’t give a shit about me, Elliott”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Gerard. You think that everyone is the same as Annie, and the same as Chloe, and the same as Zayn. They’re not. Well...I’m not. Hate is a strong word, Gerard, and sometimes I convince myself I do hate you. But I’d never do something like what Annie did, never. Just stop being scared of m-“

“I’m not scared of you. I’m scared that...”
“What?” he was blushing and not just a light pink tinge. His cheeks were bright red, he seemed embarrassed.
“I’m scared that I’m gunna fall for you like I did Annie, okay? You remind me of her. She was so kind, and funny, and even though we hated each other at first, it went away. And then it turns out she was using me for her sick little joke.” I blushed too. Was this happening, was this real? Gerard was afraid that he would fall for me? Me? What kind of world where we living in, where Gerard Way was scared of the possibility that he would fall for Elliott Haile. It was bizarre.

“That’s bizarre” I said
“I know, but it happened before. Who’s not to say it would happen again?”
“Because I’m not Annie. I'm not a plastic, I’m not even a cheerleader, Gerard. I’m just a fake, like you said”

Now I must tell you, I cannot believe what I said next. The words that feel out of my lips changed our connection instantly, without either of us recognizing it.

“If anything, I should be the one that's afraid of falling for you”

WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

Thank fuck for the bell. I ran out of there like that famous blue hedgehog, i.e., fucking quickly. Did I say that? Did I really just admit to Gerard that I was afraid I would fall for him? The very obvious blush on my cheeks told me that, yes that did just happen. I prayed that my voice was so quiet that Gerard didn’t manage to hear (but at the same time, there was a tiny part that wished he did) It was true though, I didn’t even realise it until the words slipped from my mouth, but secretly, Gerard was my type.

I’d never thought I had a ‘type’, but the more I thought, the more I knew. Zayn and Aaron were not my type, which is the reason I pushed them away so many times. My type was someone who had humour and a personality for starters, and someone who enjoyed what I did. But most importantly, I wanted someone who I could be myself around. And, the only person who had seen me in just some of my real light, was Gerard.

At this point in time, I never realised this. As I raced out of school in my car, I was still kidding myself that I hated Gerard Way. Despite everything I had learned about him, and how upset and sorry I felt for him, I would still not cave. I would not let my hatred of 2 years be drowned by sympathy. I would not let myself be charmed out of my cage by Gerard and his friends.

I was a cheerleader, and I was a plastic, and I was popular. And as much as I hate myself for saying this, that is who I was, and I could not change, because those around me would not let me change, even if I wanted too.

So despite the words that feel from my lips, I refused to admit that, in fact, I cared for Gerard a lot more that I thought I did. And I tried to forget that Gerard had told me he was scared of falling for me. But I had to remind myself, he wasn’t scared of falling for me, because of who I am, he was scared of falling for me because of who I was.

I was scared of Gerard because he was an outcast, someone who was never socially accepted at High School, and had to conform to drugs and art to help him through it. Gerard was scared of me because I was a cheerleader, someone who is always pretty and popular, who dates the football team (sometimes more than one at a time) and someone who will bitch, and gossip, and bully, and backstab like it was going out of fashion.

Gerard and I were not scared of each other because of who we were. I was not scared of Gerard Way, and he was not scared of Elliott Haile. We were just scared of the masks that High School gave us.