Opposites Always Attract.

“What the fuck happened back there?” Gerard asked, his hand still on my shoulders as he pushed me out of the doors and towards the usual place – behind the gym. “I-I got mad! I don’t know. I just – I – Am I a horrible person?” Gerard chuckled lightly at my panicked tone, “No. You’re not a horrible person. You’re just completely fucking crazy.”

With a sigh I turned around to meet his eyes. They were shining with humour, but I could tell there was something deep down inside of him. “What’s up?” I asked, nibbling on my bottom lip. “I’m just a bit...confused. Why’d you run off last night?” I looked down at the floor, digging my teeth into my lip with nerves. “I had stuff to do.” Lies. Constant lies to the people I love. “Stuff?” Gerard raised his eyebrows at me, obviously not believing me. “Yes, stuff!” I argued back, getting defensive in case he completely broke my wall of lies. “Okay.” Gerard just shrugged it off, clearly not bothered. “Y’know, I heard Aaron’s dating Maggie now.”

My head shot up. It was unlike Gerard to pay attention to gossip. And, besides, why would he tell me that anyway? “And?” I questions, “why would I care?” Gerard looked at me, there was a certain coldness to him. I couldn’t quite place it. “I thought maybe you’d care because Maggie was one of your best friends, and Aaron tried to rape you.” I just shrugged feeling guilty, “It’s her choice.”

“Okay,” Gerard suddenly burst, “what the fuck is wrong with you today?” I widened my eyes and took a step back at his raised voice. “Wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? Why’d you just suddenly explode like that?” Gerard laughed cruelly, “Don’t try and make me look like the bad guy. You’ve been acting weird for days. Don’t try and deny it! I can tell. I’m not an idiot. I’m your fucking boyfriend. You may not think people get you, but I get you, okay? There’s no point in lying to me. Now tell me what the fuck is wrong!”

“I can’t!” I said, tears welling up in my eyes. No matter how much it killed me inside, I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t. It would break him. I knew putting it off was the worst thing I could do, and really I should just say what was bugging me. But I couldn’t put him through that. “Elliott, I’m getting bored of this! You having so many problems but you’re not telling me. Why does everything have to be about me? Yeah, sure, I was suicidal. Okay, I rely on drugs maybe a bit too much. But for once, just fucking tell me something – anything!”

I froze as he stared at me. Before I could think I blurted out, “When I was ten I wanted to be a porn star?” Gerard furrowed his eyebrows and stared at me harder, “What?” his eyes were narrowed slightly it what seemed to be anger and confusion. “Um,” I quivered, “I-I’m sorry. Okay? I just...I can’t tell you. Not this. Not yet. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Elliott, of course I would understand. What kind of person do you think I am? I love you, okay? You can tell me anything.” His voice was gentle now, as he wanted a single tear fall down my face. I felt like such a dick. I was a horrid person. I wanted to be on the plane now, so that I could get it over and done with. As much as I wanted to stay, I wanted to leave. His face was heartbreaking. The more I looked the more I felt sick. I wanted to run. So I did. “I’ve got to go.” I muttered, rushing past him, only to be pulled back. Gerard held onto my hand, “Stop running away from me.” He whispered with sadness.

I licked my lips and brushed another tear away. I felt pathetic. I felt like one of those angst-y teenagers in those stupid novels that fifteen year old emo’s desperately clung to claiming, “Oh my God. I can so totally relate to her!” I wanted to burn that book. Burn the history and forget it ever happened. The worst part was, I’d put it all on myself. Anyone else would just stand up and deal with their problems. Not me. I was a coward. Allowing things to eat me up inside and let them take over my mind until I had to run to my mother. “I’m sorry.” I crumpled, collapsing into Gerard’s chest and trying my hardest not to cry. “I-It’s okay.” Gerard said, clearly confused at my sudden break down.

As my head was nestled into Gerard’s chest his brother and Bob rounded the corner. Gerard gave them a desperate look, a look of help. However, Mikey just widened his eyes and swiftly walked away. That boy was never very good at confrontations. Bob, on the other hand rolled his eyes and strode into the bushes with a cigarette between his lips, ignoring my pathetic self. “Elliott, please, just tell me.” Gerard whispered close to my ear. I hiccupped and took a breath, “I left you.”

“Huh?” He said, pulling back and holding me at arm’s length. I didn’t need a mirror to know that my eyes were red and puffy. I hiccupped again, not realising my past tense mistake. In essence, I already had left him. Or rather, I felt like I had. I couldn’t look him in the eye like I use to. I couldn’t laugh at his jokes without feeling guilty. I couldn’t hug him without feeling like it would be the last. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t stand to look at his daft black hair, his swamp-green eyes, his scarred wrists. It was too much.

“What would you say,” I began carefully, taking a step back so that his warm hands fell from my shoulders. My voice was shaking, “if I said I was going away.” Gerard looked down at his feet in thought. The way he cocked his head to the side told me he was gradually putting the pieces together. I had to strain my ears to be able to hear him mutter, “Forever?” I bit my lip one more time, this time allowing my teeth to break the skin so that blood began to seep into my mouth. “I’m sorry.” I said, allowing the tears to fall. I caught one last glimpse of his eyes before running away. Literally legging it through the playing ground and bashing through the school hallways. I heard the faint yell from a teacher, but I didn’t listen. I didn’t even apologise to the small freshman I knocked over. I just ran all the way to my car, sweating and exhausted.

The noises that blubbered from my mouth were in-human. I was a vile person. My mouth tasted of salt from the amount of tears that had fallen down my face and into it. I placed two hands on my car, trying to keep myself steady, but my knees just gave way. I crumpled to the floor in a teary mess, snivelling and ashamed. I had to take deep breaths, because I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore. The lump in my throat was so huge that it was causing me physical pain. The world around me was a blur; the noises were simply drowned out by the dull thud of my head pounding. What was wrong with me? Anyone else would deal with this sensibly. But not me. I had to punish myself for being selfish. I cannot even describe what I am feeling right now.

Guilt. It is all that I can say. I never wanted to see Gerard again because as soon as he knew where I was going the light from his eyes disappeared. I can’t face seeing those eyes again. I can’t believe what I have done to him. I don’t even want to know how Tara will take the news. She will be broken. Maybe not as broken as Gerard, or maybe even more so? I do not want to know, I don’t want to find out. Perhaps I never have to. Maybe I could leave her a note and be done with it. Maybe by the time she finds it I’ll already be at the airport?

...No. I can’t do that to her. She is...was my best friend. It is important to talk in the past tense, because after this moment she will never speak to me again. She will never trust me. For fuck’s sake, Elliott. Stop it! Stop it right now. You are nearly eighteen years old. You can do this. You can do this.

“I can do this,” I whispered to myself furiously wiping away my tears, “I can do this.” I don’t know how, but the words gave me confidence. “I can do this.” I stood up shakily, wiping my wet cheeks with my sleeve. I debating going back into the school and putting on a brave face. I had missed twenty minutes of English already. I decided there was no point in returning. So I slid into my car, avoiding looking at myself in my mirrors, and drove home. No radio this time. Music didn’t seem to be my friend at the moment. Although I think maybe it should be. It doesn’t do well for me to dwell in my thoughts. That is the very reason I am like this at the moment. I am too over emotional, and I get attached far too easily. Had I been anyone else, I would not have fallen in love with Gerard Way...or even if I had it would not have been as quick.

Do I wish I could reverse the last few months? I wouldn’t be able to give an answer. Do I really wish to be friends with Chloe still? Would still being friends with her be as painful as hurting her feelings like I had today? Would bullying Gerard be as painful as loving and losing him? I shouldn’t talk in past tense. What’s done is done. I’ve hurt Gerard, and I can’t take that back.

I arrive home, and my Mother is home too. I’m not sure whether to be happy or not. I stumble into the house, tripping over the welcome mat. “Honey?” I heard her voice come closer, “You’re home early.” My voice was croaky as I said, “Yeah. Something happened, had to come home.”

She appeared from around the corner, and her eyes widened at the sight of me. She didn’t have to say words, and neither did I. She knew. She engulfed me in a hug and stroked my hair. I didn’t cry any more, I just snuggled my head into the crook of her neck. She smelt of baking, and roses, and paint. She smelt like Mum. I’d miss it. “It’ll be okay, darling. You know that, don’t you?” I gave her a nod, I had to trust what she said.

I swallowed thickly and spoke, “I don’t think I can wait any longer.” Mum knitted her eyebrows in confusion. “But you haven’t done your final exams yet, how will you get into Uni?” I licked my bottom lip, which was cracked and dry, “I dunno. We could call ‘em up? See if they’d still offer me a place?” My mum mirrored my actions, licking her lips. “I think it’s best if you do your exams, hon. I know the system works different over there, but you still have to do your exams. That’s the way I did it. You’re strong; you can last these last few weeks. I know you can. Besides, maybe the best thing to do is not to run away. You’ve got to deal with it, and I know you can do it.”

I sniffed and gave her a watery smile. This was going to be hard, but she was right, maybe I could just do this. There was a knock on the door, and to be honest, I wish I hadn’t opened it. Behind it stood Tara, mascara down her face. “It is true?” she cried, her voice high pitched and hysterical. And just like Gerard’s, the light in her eyes was gone.