Infinite Repeat

So maybe I was a coward. Or at least, that's what Kennedy said. I knew that he was upset with me. It was because I wasn't telling the two boys I loved, which one I honestly picked. I couldn't do it, I just couldn't. The look on John's face when I spoke about Stephen killed me. And the sound of Stephen's voice when I spoke about John killed me, too.

It wasn't like I liked the fact that I was hurting Kennedy by hurting them. I didn't like it at all. It was something that hurt me, too.

That was why I began to distance myself from both boys. I rarely spoke to Stephen and I avoided John. I felt terrible about ignoring Stephen, especially since he was still my boyfriend and he wasn't anywhere near me. But I had to, to help myself.

It didn't help that he was coming to visit me, though. Not at all. They all were coming, actually, which meant that Jess was going to scold me, probably.

The night that The Maine had a show in Baltimore, The Summer Set had the night off. They were playing in Baltimore the next night, so they were showing up early to spend time with not only me, but the rest of the bands on tour and all members. But that was tomorrow. Tonight, we were in Virginia for a night off and meant that Dirk Mai was coming to take the photographs for John's poetry booklet, Exaltation. I wasn't sure why exactly he named it that, but I knew it had to do with me, especially since the summer I spent back home recently, I had gotten a tattoo on my wrist that said that. It was written in thin black ink and it was probably my favorite tattoo.

And for some reason, I was asked by both Dirk and John to pose for a few of the pictures. Knowing Dirk, and knowing John, I was probably in for a big surprise, but I didn't think too much about it.

That was how I ended up walking towards a bathroom of one of Dirk's friend's houses in Virginia. The thing I was supposed to wear was in the Victoria's Secret bag in my hand, making me slightly nervous. Aubree was trailing behind me, her own bag in her hand, since Dirk had asked her to pose, too. He didn't have enough money to get real models, so the ladies on tour were the best he could get for free.

And I laughed, when I spotted the four things in the bag. There was a plain white spaghetti strap shirt, plain white panties, and another pair of plain white panties with lace along the top line, along with a black pair of panties. In Aubree's bag, she had loose silk panties, and a pair of blue and white striped shorts with a belt laced through the top.

She muttered something about me having a shirt and she slipped on the panties and shorts, keeping her own shirt on. I put on the white tank top and the first pair of white panties. We both walked out, laughs floating from us as we walked back to Dirk and John, who were outside.

"They actually put it on... without complaining," Dirk said, in amazement. He grabbed my hand and led me over to the side of the house. He handed me a necklace to put on and once I did, he instructed me to lean against the wall, put my left leg over my right, and put my arms behind my back. After I did that, he moved my hair around and nodded, stepping back to take a few photos.

John was silent as he watched Dirk flip through the photos. He showed one to John, who nodded, and the four of us went back inside. John muttered to Aubree that she could just sit in the living room. I was led to a bedroom and my eyes were set on the tense John walking in front of me.

"Can you - uh, can you take your shirt off?" Dirk asked.

"I swear to God, Dirk, if you look at her like that again, I'll fucking-" John started.

"Okay," Dirk replied, cutting him off.

I was confused. I didn't know what he was talking about, because Dirk seemed normal to me. My eyebrows furrowed together as I looked at John, who refused to meet my gaze. But I let it go and reached down to take off the tank top. He had me stand in front of a white wall. My left hand was placed on my right hip and my right hand was reaching up to touch the side of my neck. Dirk moved my arms a little and pushed my hair back, but began to snap photos again.

The way that John was staring at me was slightly frightening me. Only a few times before, had I seen the look in his eyes. I didn't know what it was, but it was making his breath go shallow and rigid.

I did another shot in front of the wall. I had to bend my back a little and lean on my left hand, that was placing on my upper left thigh while my right hand was reaching up to touch my ear. My hair was pushed to the right and I stared directly at the camera.

I went to the bed after that and stood on top of it. My body wasn't facing the camera and my hand was back on my thigh while my right hand reached up to grip my hair on top of my head. He only took two shots of that pose before telling me another one. Sitting on the bed, I lifted my legs up, propping up my left leg up a little more. I rested my arm on my leg and used my right arm to brace myself on the bed, while looking right at the camera. He told me to look 'pissed off' so I did.

"Dirk," John scolded.

And that seemed to annoy the photographer. "I doing my fucking job, John, calm the fuck down."

"John, maybe you should leave," I whispered.

He shook his head, staring right at me, finally. "I'll, uh - I'll go get the other stuff from the bathroom so you can change," Dirk said, quickly walking out of the room.

"What is your damage, John?" I asked.

He was silent as he walked over to me. His eyes were locked on my bare chest and I moved my arms to try it up, but he grabbed my arms, stopping me. "You're beautiful, Addison," he murmured to me. I dropped my arms and he reached forward, letting his fingers touch my stomach. I shivered at the touch of his cold hands on my warm body. The calloused touch sent my heart into overdrive. I was breathing deeper and swallowing loudly.

His hand trailed up to the side of my breast, his rough fingers touching lightly. I shut my eyes and leaned into his touch, feeling as if I were floating on a cloud. His other hand went south, touching the elastic on the underwear. A soft moan escaped my lips as he stepped closer to me. His hand moved quickly, covering my breast fully. I felt his head duck lower and I felt his lips trail across my collar bone.

"J-John," I muttered, trying to tell him to stop and that this was very inappropriate. But he mistook my word for a moan, letting his fingers dip further into my underwear.

His lips moved up, dancing across my collarbone and soon, he was hovering over my lips. I opened my eyes to meet his green ones. "Tell me to stop and I will," he whispered. As he spoke, his lips would brush over mine.

While he waited for me to say something - anything - he began to push down the elastic and the cotton fabric on my hips. He pushed slowly, making me squirm. But for some reason, I stopped, pushing on his chest. Apparently, it was hard enough to make him stumble.

"I have to pee," I said, earning a questioning look from him.

I grabbed the tank top and slipped it over my head before exiting the room. Dirk was just beginning to walk back with the bag in his hand. I yanked it out and went back towards the bathroom to change. He called after me to use to the straightener on the counter to do my hair.

While in there, I stared at myself in the mirror. My cheeks were flustered and there was a small mark on my collarbone from John's lips. I rubbed over it with my hand and went to restroom as quickly as I could. I changed the underwear into the second white pair with lace and turned on the Chi straightener. It took me ten minutes to straighten my mess of hair, probably a record for me.

Dirk was looking at the photos and John was staring at nothing. But upon my arrival with the bag in my hand again, they both looked up. Instead of speaking, Dirk just motioned for me what to do and he moved my arms for me. I was sitting on the edge of the bed and my legs were up on my toes while my left hand went into my lap and my right hand went my body in the middle. My hair was pushed around and I stayed like that for a moment.

Next, I lied sideways on the bed, my left hand behind me, but curved so that it went across my stomach. He told me to focus on something just beyond the camera and I did, locking my gaze on John. His eyes were glazed over with something, but I still couldn't figure it out.

I was on the floor next, twisted so I was sitting on my legs and so that my arms were covering my chest. John was biting his lip as he watched me and I sighed inward.

Dirk left the room so I could change into the black pair of underwear next, but John stayed, claiming that since he'd already seen it all, it didn't matter. I rolled my eyes, but let it slide.

The final photo inside was me on the floor again, leaning against the bed. I was sitting, but my leg were out and my toes were pointed out, with my right leg bent up. He moved my arms so that my right one was crossed over and resting on my left thigh and my left arm was bent up towards the middle of the chest again, covering most of my bare chest.

A few photos later, and we were back outside. I felt odd being outside and my chest being completely exposed, but I tried my best to hide it and I leaned against the pole outside the house, like I was told to.

I changed as soon as I went back inside. By the time I was done, Aubree was replaced in the living room by John.

"I felt weird watching her when I barely even know her," he explained. I nodded, sitting next to him. "Addy, I'm - I'm sorry if I crossed a line earlier. I didn't mean to cross it, I just-"

But I interrupted him. "You didn't, John. I didn't draw a line for you to cross, and that's my own fault. I should've drawn a line, because I'm with Stephen."

"Why?" he asked.

Why? Why was I with Stephen? Is that what he meant? Of course it was, but I didn't know how to answer him. I mean, I knew why I was with Stephen, but I didn't know how to say it to John.

"I can't answer that, John." He murmured for me to try. "Because, John. He makes me feel good."

"So you're only with him for sex?"

I rolled my eyes. "Not at all. I wasn't even talking about that. I mean, yeah, he makes me feel amazing in that way, but that's not all. He loves me, he cares about me. He'd do anything to make sure I was okay. He did do anything to make sure I got okay. He sent me to you, John. If we were together, would you ever send me to Stephen because you knew that he could make me feel better?" He didn't reply. "Exactly. He stays with me through all of this, and he makes everything okay. He loves me more than anything and he makes sure that I know it."

"I do all of that, too, Addison! Will you please, please, tell me what I did to make you leave me? What did I do to make you not pick me?" I didn't reply, instead I shook my head. "Tell me."

"It wasn't you, John! It wasn't anything. I just didn't go back, okay? I was going to, but so much stuff went on that next summer and I left the next year and went to Austin and I couldn't just leave. It wasn't easy for me, okay? It wasn't just you that had a hard time."

He bit his lip, nodding.

"Can we just start over?"

"Yeah," I replied.

A smirk placed over his lips as he held his hand out. "Hi, I'm John."