Infinite Repeat

So yeah, it was hard to 'start over' with John. It was especially hard because I was in love with him. It was like we were trying to start back over from before we were in love. That was too far back, though. I couldn't do that at all. I couldn't pretend that I didn't love him as much as I did.

He was the one I knew I was in love with. I only loved the idea of Stephen. He was perfect, but not for me. There was someone out there that he was absolutely perfect for, but it just wasn't me. Of course, he was perfect for me, though. He was what I needed, all I needed, but it just wasn't him.

John was completely wrong for me, but I loved him with all my heart.

That was why my heart was pounding in my chest and my palms were drenched. He had been here all day with me for his visit. He hadn't left my side and oddly, that was how I figured that he wasn't the boy for me.

I didn't need him to be with me the entire time, despite the fact that he was my boyfriend and I hadn't seen him a long time. Even past all of that, I didn't need him to hold my hand all the time. I wasn't a child. I could deal with him being gone, even though I loved him. But that was how I decided that I loved him, but not like I loved John.

"Come with me," he murmured to me softly.

He knew that something was wrong. He knew it as we slipped away from the crowd of our friends. Not a single word left his lips, as we walked through everyone. Our fingers were loosely tangled and his lips were pursed together. We slipped into their van in silence. He kissed me in silence. I kissed him back, silent, too. Neither of us spoke as he undressed me and I did the same to him.

I still loved the fact that he knew where to kiss me on my body and how he knew just where to touch me. He was gentle and passionate.

It was different, though. He didn't repeat how much he loved me. He only said it once as his lips touched my neck softly while he held himself above me. When we finished, he placed a final kiss on my lips. We dressed quickly after.

With once last kiss, he sighed. "I really do love you," he said.

That was how I knew that he knew. "I'm sorry, Stephen."

"It was my own fault, baby. I had it perfect for us and then I sent you here. But it's okay, Addison. We weren't made for each other. I'm not angry... hurt, maybe, but I'm not angry. I love you enough to be able to let you go and let you be happy with him."

I reached over with my hand and ran it through his messy hair. When it was flattened a little, I kissed him softly with a sigh. "I love you. I love you, a lot. I really wanted this to work, you have no idea how much I did."

He smiled at me, using his thumb to wipe something off underneath my eye. "Go get him, baby."

And I did.

*

He made me feel beautiful, somehow more than Stephen did. He knew the places on my body that Stephen didn't. He loved me more than Stephen did. He was the love of my life and I knew it the second I kissed him again.

After leaving Stephen, I had literally ran around the venue like a chicken with my head cut off. I found him in the dressing room, pouring whiskey into a clear plastic cup and mixing Coca Cola in it. My laugh made him look up and he smiled, shrugging. He offered the cup out to me and I shook my head, jogging closer to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pushed my lips against his.

He was shocked, to say the least, when I told him about what had happened.

But it was worth it. Everything I'd done in my life, was worth the love I shared with John. I wouldn't change anything in my life, not a single thing, because the boy I loved was mine. He was mine and I refused to let him go, ever.