Infinite Repeat
boston.
I chickened out. Instead of going to find John, Stephen found me first. He had a beer in either hand and as he spoke to me, he drank out of both. Seeming to think it was perfectly normal or something, he questioned my odd looks. I glanced at his hands, motioning to the Bud Light and the Miller Lite in his hands. Shock ran over his face and he began to look completely and utterly confused.
"The fuck!? How did I get two?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows together. He pushed the one in his left hand, the Miller Lite, into my hands before shaking his head and walking off.
I couldn't help but laugh. Drunk Stephen was a hilarious Stephen. He never knew what was going on and he was confused the whole time, but somehow managed to make dumb jokes while going about.
My gaze shifted back to the kitchen. It took all of my courage and confidence to walk in there. Much to my dismay, or maybe not, John wasn't there. I sighed, but I didn't know if it was out of annoyance or delight. After much contemplation with myself, I decided that it was delight. I didn't want to face him, even though I knew I'd have to.
It only took me two more drinks to finish Stephen's beer. When it was done, I threw it in Tim's trashcan. Along with those, I grabbed a few other empty bottles and cups to throw those away as well. I picked up a few cigarette butts and the roaches of joints to toss in the trash. I didn't know why I was cleaning Tim's house. Within minutes, a new cup would be thrown here and a bottle would be tossed there. I guess it made me feel better.
I picked up another beer from the counter and managed to open it with a random bottle opener that was tossed to the side. The bitter taste slid down my throat and I let out a satisfied sigh. It was calming - just what I needed.
With the beer in my hand, I pushed myself from the counter to exit the kitchen. Just as I stepped back into the living room, the blaring rap song ended. A new one came on and I couldn't help but smile at it. My smile turned to a frown, thinking back on the memories. My full intention was to leave - to walk away. I couldn't, though, because when I turned around, I was greeted with a body. Well, I more like ran into it, my free hand flying up to brace myself on the chest.
I was about to look up, when the familiar scent filled my nose. That was when I refused to move my gaze from the tattooed chest. My bottom lip settled between my teeth and I tightened my grip on my beer. When his hand slid up to my hip, I shuddered. His touch was all too familiar. A deep breath filled my lungs. I didn't realize that I held it in until my name fell from his lips seconds later.
The artwork on his chest was the most interesting thing to me right then. The way the words flowed together and the curving of the cursive was intriguing. I was thankful for the fact that the top few buttons on his shirt were undone, or I'd have nothing to focus my attention on. He spoke my name again, with more desperation this time. The third time he said it - he was pleading.
"Dance with me," he whispered.
I only nodded.
His hands pushed me towards the dance floor once he set my beer to the side. When we were there, his arms wrapped around my waist. I didn't look up as I moved mine to wrap around his neck. I rested my head against his chest, making sure I didn't look at him. There was no way in hell I'd be able to look at him without crying.
In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh, it has begun... Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed. This world you must've crossed... you said... You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah. She said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah.
His grip tightened on me and I suddenly felt like I was sixteen again. I didn't know what to feel - how to feel. I hated that just by touching me, he had that goddamn effect on me. I hated it and I didn't want it happen again.
He knew what he was doing. He knew that this was our song. I wondered if he put it on, but I didn't dare ask.
I could hear his soft breath in my ear as he hummed. He wasn't singing, just humming. My eyes fell shut and I turned my head so that it dug more into his warm, welcoming chest. "Oh dear, you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed," he whispered to me, saying the first few lines of the song. I sighed.
Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across an open field. When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry when they see you. You said... you don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah. She said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah.
I opened my eyes again and I focused on my hand that had fallen from around his neck, so safely pressing against his chest. The ends of my fingers fumbled with the button that wasn't occupied by his shirt.
"She said I think I'll go to Boston...," I gasped loudly when he began to sing in my ear. I shut my eyes again, tight and quick. I could feel the liquid gather in my eyes and I bit my lip once more. "I think I'll start a new life, I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name, I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather, I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain... I think I'll go to Boston."
I was glad when he stopped singing. The sound of his voice was - well, it was everything to me. His singing was perfect, but I didn't know what to do when he sang at a time like this.
I think that I'm just tired. I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind... I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset. I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah.
"Addison," he whispered. He sighed when I didn't say anything. "You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah... Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah. Where no one knows my name... Where no one knows my name... Boston... No one knows my name."
The fucking song finally ended and nothing made me happier. The song changed back to a rap song and everything continued their previous dancing. We didn't move, though. We stayed still, standing as the world moved around us. I opened my eyes and a tear slid down my cheek, landing on his chest. I heard him sigh and he began to move away. Quickly, I reached up to wipe it away.
When his hands were away from my waist, I pulled away from him completely. I looked down, studying my shoes. He placed his index finger under my chin, begging me to look up at him. My head was forced up, but I closed my eyes. There was no part of me ready to look at him again. As much as he wanted me to, I couldn't.
"Addison, please - please look at me," he begged.
I reached up and took his hand from my chin. When his hand was done, he tried to reach for my waist, but I pushed him back and his body. I turned away, letting my feet carrying me away. My eyes opened finally. I made a beeline for the door quickly, trying to get out as fast as I could. On my way, I saw Tim, a confused look on his face as he looked at me. I know he'd seen what just went on, the look on his face said it.
"What the hell are you doing, Addison?" he asked.
I shrugged. "I honestly wish I knew. I'll come by tomorrow or something, I have to go."
He shook his head, grabbing my arm. "You can't walk out on him now. Look at him." I shook my head this time, refusing. "God, you can't even look at him, can you?" When I didn't show any sign of replying, he groaned. "Okay, okay. It was good seeing you and I hope I see you again soon."
"Bye Tim," I said. He nodded, mumbling his goodbyes to me.
I knew it was immature of me to walk away from him. I couldn't even bring myself to say his name. It felt pathetic.
The entire drive home, all I wanted to do was punch myself in the face.
*
"Arizona!? I thought you were in Providence!" Tina shouted in my ear through the phone. I pulled it away for a moment, making a face.
I ran my hand over my face. "No, I'm with my dad, Tina. Can you listen, though? I don't know what to do. There's a barbecue tonight at Garrett and Trey's and-"
"And John is going to be there, I get it, Ads. Now you need to look hot and sexy, I know, I know. So anyway, you should wear that really cute hot pink bikini that you packed for a swim suit and-"
"It's not a swimming party, Tina, it's a-"
"I know!" she cut me off. "Just listen, okay? You said that they have a pool. And you, my beautiful best friend, you have an amazing body. So offer up if anyone wants to take a dip with you. Someone obviously will and John will go insane over your body. Just trust me." She squealed when I agreed. "Okay, and over it, wear that super cute pink floral dress. You know, the one with the thin black leather belt." I searched through the closet I had finally put together after unpacking and smiled when I successfully found the dress. "And for shoes, how about the tan and black wedges? Don't over do your jewelry, just do simple studs and a small simple necklace. Make sure your make up is all water proof, too."
With a smile, I set down the dress and shoes on my bed. "You are a life saver, Tina. I love you so much."
She laughed. "Thanks, love. I'll come visit you soon, alright? But I gotta go get ready for work, so call me tonight with the details of the barbecue."
We hung up after I agreed. That was why I adored Tina. She always knew what to do when I was in a situation that I was panicked about.
I quickly showered, shaving everything necessary and washing my hair, face, and body. Once I was done, I dried my hair and curled it slightly. My make up was done next and then I dressed in the outfit that Tina told me to.
It didn't take me long to get to Garrett's house, despite the fact that I hadn't been there in years. I parked my car behind Kennedy's and made my way up to the front door, which had a sign tapped on that said to walk into the back. I placed my small plain black clutch onto the kitchen which held my phone, keys, and other random things.
When I stepped outside, I was immediately recognized. Only the usual bunch was there and I was sort of happy for that. The boys all greeted me, all but one. I still refused to look at him. As much as I knew he wanted me to and as much as everyone else did, I just couldn't.
"Ever gonna look at him?" Kennedy asked, sitting next to me.
I shrugged, leaning into him. He wrapped his arm around my waist. "Come swimming with me?"
He laughed, but nodded anyway. With a mumble for me to hold on while he changed, I stood up, saying I needed to put my dress inside and I could grab towels.
As we walked inside, I could feel his eyes on us, wondering what we were doing. I wanted to turn around - to look at him, but I just - I just couldn't.
*
"Ow, ow, lookin' fine as hell, Addison!" Garrett called as I walked outside in my strapless bikini. My cheeks flushed only slightly as I followed Kennedy. My hair was thrown up in a messy bun, but I reached up to brush back stray strands. I laughed, my wedges still hitting the ground.
"Goodness gracious, you're gonna give me a heart attack, baby girl," Trey informed.
Still laughing, I rolled my eyes and sat down in a chair with my back to him. I reached down to undo my heels and slipped them off my feet. Kennedy threw me the sunblock. I applied it to my arms and legs and stomach, but I couldn't reach my back. I was about to ask Kennedy, but a familiar pair of hands touched my back. He murmured that he would do it for me and all I could do was nod. He grabbed the sunblock and soon, his hands were rubbing at my back.
The feeling was all too familiar. My eyes shut while I leaned into his touch. I swallowed, jumping when his fingers slid underneath the bikini top tie and the bottoms top ridge.
"God, I miss your body," he murmured. "I missed the feeling of it against mine, I missed the touch of your skin. I missed the smell... the taste. God, you tasted so good."
I stood up quickly, trying to move away from him as quickly as possible. I wasn't going to fall for his words - not again. I couldn't do it, I wouldn't go there.
Once Kennedy and I were in the pool, it only took minutes for everyone else to decide that they wanted to, also. I smirked, knowing how correct Tina was. All the boys had their eyes on me and I thought again how Tina was right.
"Addy, when did you get so pretty?" Pat asked, looking at me from across the pool.
I smiled. "Aw, thank you, Pat."
"She's always been pretty, Pat. She's always been gorgeous," he said. I bit my lip.
"Thank you," I muttered.
"Thank you, who," he pushed. I remained silent. "Come on, Addison. Why don't you grow up and say my name? Better yet, why don't you grow up and look at me?"
At first, I didn't look up at him. I stared at the water, not knowing what to say. But somehow - someway, I mustered up enough courage to look up. My eyes met his - his deep, beautiful green and hazel eyes. His face softened and I trailed my eyes to his hair. It was shorter, much shorter. He looked older, but I didn't like it. I liked the way that his hair looked before. It was the old him and I missed that.
I could see his chest - due to the fact that he was sitting on the ledge. I noticed the tattoos on his collarbones. I gasped, the two words bringing back a memory. I knew his chest tattoo already and I knew it was from a song, so I moved passed that. The tattoo on his left arm was plain, but I figured that it meant equality or something. I trailed my eyes down his body, glancing at his side to see the words tattooed their. I laughed to myself, rolling my eyes. He didn't have real problems and that was bullshit. I saw his final tattoo, the roman numeral for his name. It was one he always wanted. I already knew about the one on his lip, so I ignored even thinking about that one, too.
But when I looked back in his eyes, I wished I hadn't. He looked heartbroken and hurt. All he wanted was for me to look at him, and I could barely even do that. The smirk on his lips faded and I wished so badly for the smile he used to smile for me.
I looked away a minute later, shaking my head. "Fuck you, John," I said, making my way out of the pool.
"The fuck!? How did I get two?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows together. He pushed the one in his left hand, the Miller Lite, into my hands before shaking his head and walking off.
I couldn't help but laugh. Drunk Stephen was a hilarious Stephen. He never knew what was going on and he was confused the whole time, but somehow managed to make dumb jokes while going about.
My gaze shifted back to the kitchen. It took all of my courage and confidence to walk in there. Much to my dismay, or maybe not, John wasn't there. I sighed, but I didn't know if it was out of annoyance or delight. After much contemplation with myself, I decided that it was delight. I didn't want to face him, even though I knew I'd have to.
It only took me two more drinks to finish Stephen's beer. When it was done, I threw it in Tim's trashcan. Along with those, I grabbed a few other empty bottles and cups to throw those away as well. I picked up a few cigarette butts and the roaches of joints to toss in the trash. I didn't know why I was cleaning Tim's house. Within minutes, a new cup would be thrown here and a bottle would be tossed there. I guess it made me feel better.
I picked up another beer from the counter and managed to open it with a random bottle opener that was tossed to the side. The bitter taste slid down my throat and I let out a satisfied sigh. It was calming - just what I needed.
With the beer in my hand, I pushed myself from the counter to exit the kitchen. Just as I stepped back into the living room, the blaring rap song ended. A new one came on and I couldn't help but smile at it. My smile turned to a frown, thinking back on the memories. My full intention was to leave - to walk away. I couldn't, though, because when I turned around, I was greeted with a body. Well, I more like ran into it, my free hand flying up to brace myself on the chest.
I was about to look up, when the familiar scent filled my nose. That was when I refused to move my gaze from the tattooed chest. My bottom lip settled between my teeth and I tightened my grip on my beer. When his hand slid up to my hip, I shuddered. His touch was all too familiar. A deep breath filled my lungs. I didn't realize that I held it in until my name fell from his lips seconds later.
The artwork on his chest was the most interesting thing to me right then. The way the words flowed together and the curving of the cursive was intriguing. I was thankful for the fact that the top few buttons on his shirt were undone, or I'd have nothing to focus my attention on. He spoke my name again, with more desperation this time. The third time he said it - he was pleading.
"Dance with me," he whispered.
I only nodded.
His hands pushed me towards the dance floor once he set my beer to the side. When we were there, his arms wrapped around my waist. I didn't look up as I moved mine to wrap around his neck. I rested my head against his chest, making sure I didn't look at him. There was no way in hell I'd be able to look at him without crying.
In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh, it has begun... Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed. This world you must've crossed... you said... You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah. She said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah.
His grip tightened on me and I suddenly felt like I was sixteen again. I didn't know what to feel - how to feel. I hated that just by touching me, he had that goddamn effect on me. I hated it and I didn't want it happen again.
He knew what he was doing. He knew that this was our song. I wondered if he put it on, but I didn't dare ask.
I could hear his soft breath in my ear as he hummed. He wasn't singing, just humming. My eyes fell shut and I turned my head so that it dug more into his warm, welcoming chest. "Oh dear, you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed," he whispered to me, saying the first few lines of the song. I sighed.
Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across an open field. When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry when they see you. You said... you don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah. She said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah.
I opened my eyes again and I focused on my hand that had fallen from around his neck, so safely pressing against his chest. The ends of my fingers fumbled with the button that wasn't occupied by his shirt.
"She said I think I'll go to Boston...," I gasped loudly when he began to sing in my ear. I shut my eyes again, tight and quick. I could feel the liquid gather in my eyes and I bit my lip once more. "I think I'll start a new life, I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name, I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather, I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain... I think I'll go to Boston."
I was glad when he stopped singing. The sound of his voice was - well, it was everything to me. His singing was perfect, but I didn't know what to do when he sang at a time like this.
I think that I'm just tired. I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind... I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset. I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah.
"Addison," he whispered. He sighed when I didn't say anything. "You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah... Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah. Where no one knows my name... Where no one knows my name... Boston... No one knows my name."
The fucking song finally ended and nothing made me happier. The song changed back to a rap song and everything continued their previous dancing. We didn't move, though. We stayed still, standing as the world moved around us. I opened my eyes and a tear slid down my cheek, landing on his chest. I heard him sigh and he began to move away. Quickly, I reached up to wipe it away.
When his hands were away from my waist, I pulled away from him completely. I looked down, studying my shoes. He placed his index finger under my chin, begging me to look up at him. My head was forced up, but I closed my eyes. There was no part of me ready to look at him again. As much as he wanted me to, I couldn't.
"Addison, please - please look at me," he begged.
I reached up and took his hand from my chin. When his hand was done, he tried to reach for my waist, but I pushed him back and his body. I turned away, letting my feet carrying me away. My eyes opened finally. I made a beeline for the door quickly, trying to get out as fast as I could. On my way, I saw Tim, a confused look on his face as he looked at me. I know he'd seen what just went on, the look on his face said it.
"What the hell are you doing, Addison?" he asked.
I shrugged. "I honestly wish I knew. I'll come by tomorrow or something, I have to go."
He shook his head, grabbing my arm. "You can't walk out on him now. Look at him." I shook my head this time, refusing. "God, you can't even look at him, can you?" When I didn't show any sign of replying, he groaned. "Okay, okay. It was good seeing you and I hope I see you again soon."
"Bye Tim," I said. He nodded, mumbling his goodbyes to me.
I knew it was immature of me to walk away from him. I couldn't even bring myself to say his name. It felt pathetic.
The entire drive home, all I wanted to do was punch myself in the face.
*
"Arizona!? I thought you were in Providence!" Tina shouted in my ear through the phone. I pulled it away for a moment, making a face.
I ran my hand over my face. "No, I'm with my dad, Tina. Can you listen, though? I don't know what to do. There's a barbecue tonight at Garrett and Trey's and-"
"And John is going to be there, I get it, Ads. Now you need to look hot and sexy, I know, I know. So anyway, you should wear that really cute hot pink bikini that you packed for a swim suit and-"
"It's not a swimming party, Tina, it's a-"
"I know!" she cut me off. "Just listen, okay? You said that they have a pool. And you, my beautiful best friend, you have an amazing body. So offer up if anyone wants to take a dip with you. Someone obviously will and John will go insane over your body. Just trust me." She squealed when I agreed. "Okay, and over it, wear that super cute pink floral dress. You know, the one with the thin black leather belt." I searched through the closet I had finally put together after unpacking and smiled when I successfully found the dress. "And for shoes, how about the tan and black wedges? Don't over do your jewelry, just do simple studs and a small simple necklace. Make sure your make up is all water proof, too."
With a smile, I set down the dress and shoes on my bed. "You are a life saver, Tina. I love you so much."
She laughed. "Thanks, love. I'll come visit you soon, alright? But I gotta go get ready for work, so call me tonight with the details of the barbecue."
We hung up after I agreed. That was why I adored Tina. She always knew what to do when I was in a situation that I was panicked about.
I quickly showered, shaving everything necessary and washing my hair, face, and body. Once I was done, I dried my hair and curled it slightly. My make up was done next and then I dressed in the outfit that Tina told me to.
It didn't take me long to get to Garrett's house, despite the fact that I hadn't been there in years. I parked my car behind Kennedy's and made my way up to the front door, which had a sign tapped on that said to walk into the back. I placed my small plain black clutch onto the kitchen which held my phone, keys, and other random things.
When I stepped outside, I was immediately recognized. Only the usual bunch was there and I was sort of happy for that. The boys all greeted me, all but one. I still refused to look at him. As much as I knew he wanted me to and as much as everyone else did, I just couldn't.
"Ever gonna look at him?" Kennedy asked, sitting next to me.
I shrugged, leaning into him. He wrapped his arm around my waist. "Come swimming with me?"
He laughed, but nodded anyway. With a mumble for me to hold on while he changed, I stood up, saying I needed to put my dress inside and I could grab towels.
As we walked inside, I could feel his eyes on us, wondering what we were doing. I wanted to turn around - to look at him, but I just - I just couldn't.
*
"Ow, ow, lookin' fine as hell, Addison!" Garrett called as I walked outside in my strapless bikini. My cheeks flushed only slightly as I followed Kennedy. My hair was thrown up in a messy bun, but I reached up to brush back stray strands. I laughed, my wedges still hitting the ground.
"Goodness gracious, you're gonna give me a heart attack, baby girl," Trey informed.
Still laughing, I rolled my eyes and sat down in a chair with my back to him. I reached down to undo my heels and slipped them off my feet. Kennedy threw me the sunblock. I applied it to my arms and legs and stomach, but I couldn't reach my back. I was about to ask Kennedy, but a familiar pair of hands touched my back. He murmured that he would do it for me and all I could do was nod. He grabbed the sunblock and soon, his hands were rubbing at my back.
The feeling was all too familiar. My eyes shut while I leaned into his touch. I swallowed, jumping when his fingers slid underneath the bikini top tie and the bottoms top ridge.
"God, I miss your body," he murmured. "I missed the feeling of it against mine, I missed the touch of your skin. I missed the smell... the taste. God, you tasted so good."
I stood up quickly, trying to move away from him as quickly as possible. I wasn't going to fall for his words - not again. I couldn't do it, I wouldn't go there.
Once Kennedy and I were in the pool, it only took minutes for everyone else to decide that they wanted to, also. I smirked, knowing how correct Tina was. All the boys had their eyes on me and I thought again how Tina was right.
"Addy, when did you get so pretty?" Pat asked, looking at me from across the pool.
I smiled. "Aw, thank you, Pat."
"She's always been pretty, Pat. She's always been gorgeous," he said. I bit my lip.
"Thank you," I muttered.
"Thank you, who," he pushed. I remained silent. "Come on, Addison. Why don't you grow up and say my name? Better yet, why don't you grow up and look at me?"
At first, I didn't look up at him. I stared at the water, not knowing what to say. But somehow - someway, I mustered up enough courage to look up. My eyes met his - his deep, beautiful green and hazel eyes. His face softened and I trailed my eyes to his hair. It was shorter, much shorter. He looked older, but I didn't like it. I liked the way that his hair looked before. It was the old him and I missed that.
I could see his chest - due to the fact that he was sitting on the ledge. I noticed the tattoos on his collarbones. I gasped, the two words bringing back a memory. I knew his chest tattoo already and I knew it was from a song, so I moved passed that. The tattoo on his left arm was plain, but I figured that it meant equality or something. I trailed my eyes down his body, glancing at his side to see the words tattooed their. I laughed to myself, rolling my eyes. He didn't have real problems and that was bullshit. I saw his final tattoo, the roman numeral for his name. It was one he always wanted. I already knew about the one on his lip, so I ignored even thinking about that one, too.
But when I looked back in his eyes, I wished I hadn't. He looked heartbroken and hurt. All he wanted was for me to look at him, and I could barely even do that. The smirk on his lips faded and I wished so badly for the smile he used to smile for me.
I looked away a minute later, shaking my head. "Fuck you, John," I said, making my way out of the pool.