Infinite Repeat

All my life, I never understood how people in the world didn't enjoy music. My fifth grade best friend absolutely hated to listen to music. My grandfather on my mother's side thought it was a headache and didn't have meaning. A boy in my Psychology class in high school believed that it was a waste of time. I thought that they were crazy. Music was everything to me. It could've be the fact that I grew up with music, though. Whenever I visited my father, I would spend the whole time with the boys, who played music on guitars and sang. If they weren't jamming out, they had music playing.

That was what I loved about Austin. It was so music oriented. The streets were filled with people trying to make it big or just trying to make a dollar or two playing on the corner. Each restaurant or bar had live music each night. And every Spring Break, a huge music festival called South By South West went on. Hundreds of indie artists would go, trying to make it high in the industry. I admired them each year as I would go and listen. Then during the summer, of course there was Warped Tour, which happened in many places.

Concerts were a big deal. Each one I'd ever been to had been sold out, even if it was a band that wasn't widely known at all. People would go - just to find new music. It was spectacular.

And because of my love of music - that was the only reason I agreed to go to the concert that the boys were putting on with Stephen. He had asked me, well begged, because everyone else was busy. I didn't really want to go and listen to the boy I'd left sing songs about me, but there wasn't really much I could do. Stephen looked so cute begging and I couldn't say no.

So that's how I ended up with him sitting on my bed, staring at me as I got dressed in a pale pink denim top that only went to my ribs, a high waisted black and pink floral skirt that I raised so it covered the parts that my shirt didn't, and a pair of pink heels with a bow on the foot. Stephen picked out my jewelry, which was a pale pink dome watch from Tiffany's that was one of my graduation gifts, a diamond heart necklace, and gold heart earrings that matched the watch.

He grinned, putting his hands on my hips as I stared at myself in the mirror. I admired my curled hair and make up that was a little darker than usual. "What happened to my Addy that wore shorts and a white shirt everyday? You're elegant now, my love."

I shrugged, pushed my bangs back a bit more before applying more hairspray. "I grew up, Stephen."

"I miss the old Addison. Don't get me wrong, I love this new - this new... sexy Addison, but the old you wasn't bad at all."

I nodded, pushing back on his chest so that I could grab my cell phone. I asked him if I could use his pockets so that I didn't have to bring a purse and he nodded, saying it was fine.

It only took us about ten minutes to drive to the venue and when we finally got there, I laughed to myself at how over dressed I was. Stephen shrugged, saying how I was just the prettiest girl there. He was actually happy at how no one had noticed him yet and I just smiled when he said that. But of course, as soon as he did, two teenage girls walked up to him, grinning.

They spoke briefly and he signed a few things and took a couple pictures. Then the girls turned to me, saying how they loved my outfit. I thanked them, telling Stephen how I loved his fans.

"You two make such a cute couple," one of the girls said.

"Thanks for the pictures. Have fun on your date!" the other added, just before they waved and walked off.

I looked over at the boy next to me. We both began laughing loudly uncontrollably. It was a hilarious thing to think that we were dating. We were far from dating, but whatever, I guess. Stephen just grinned, wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug. He put his face in my hair, kissing it, before laughing again.

"You do look beautiful, girlfriend," he whispered loudly, so I could hear him over the crowd.

I smiled. "Thank you, boyfriend," I replied.

His hand slid down to grasp mine, lacing our fingers as he began to pull me through the crowd. We walked to the bar and sat at the stools. Since I was only twenty and couldn't order a drink, Stephen ordered one for me. He joked about how he was a bad influence of me.

We stayed at the bar during the local band that played first, our hands still connected in my lap. His fingers played with mine and I just smiled at him. When The Maine finally got on stage, I was nervous. I knew that the songs were probably about me and I knew that they probably weren't all nice songs. I didn't look on stage as they played, I stared at my drink, at the bar, or at Stephen. When I'd look at him, he'd look back at me, giving me a sad look.

I hated that he dragged me to the show and I knew that he knew that. He whispered that he was sorry as he pulled my stool closer to his. A laugh fell from his lips and I gave him a questioning look.

"John just looked over here and I'm pretty sure he wants to kill me now." I smiled, just as the song ended.

My eyes widened, though, when I heard his voice. "Have any of you ever been left? You know, just out of the blue... then they come back and they're shacking up with one of your best friends?" I rolled my eyes as I glanced up at Stephen, who just held his amused look. Fans screamed in response. "This song is called You Left Me."

The lyrics made me angry. I was pissed - no, I was livid. The song was an attempt to get over me, I could tell that much. But I also knew that it was a lie. He wasn't over me, just like I wasn't over him. Anyone who was ever around him and I knew that and that pissed me off. He was up there - singing about us. He was pretending that we didn't mean anything, when in reality, we meant everything.

"Fuck him," I laughed, taking another sip of my drink. "Oh wait - I already did." Stephen's eyes widened in amusement. "And fuck you and your amused look, too. It's not funny, Stephen. He's - he's a fucking jerk! Look at him up there, pretending that our relationship meant nothing. It was everything, okay? He was my first - my first everything. First kiss, first love, first guy I slept with. I can't believe he'd write that fucking song."

He leaned forward, placing a kiss on top of my head. "I'm sorry. Are you ever gonna talk to him again?"

I nodded. "I'm gonna have to. We have all the same friends and go to the same places. I just want to put it off as much as I can."

We didn't talk for the rest of the concert. Once it was over, we made our way to the backstage area. Instantly, I was greeted by a hug from Pat, telling me how pretty I looked. Then was Jared, asking if I liked the show. After I told him I did, Garrett hugged me next, kissing my forehead and apologizing for the words of the lead singer. I shrugged, moving to Kennedy.

"Where's John?" Stephen asked.

"He called the shower first," Kennedy informed as he hugged me tight. "You and Stephen were getting pretty close," he murmured in my ear.

I shrugged. "He's there for me, Ken. He's not biased."

"Neither am I, baby girl." When I gave him a look, asking him who his best friend was, he laughed with a nod. "Okay, okay, I get it."

*

We all went to my house after the concert, including John. We were going to watch movies, something that used to be a tradition. It was the only normal tradition that we probably had. It was like everyone in the room wanted to forced me with him, though. They all sat down first, leaving the only spot open being one next to John on the couch. I sighed, but sat there anyway.

They put on Disturbia, a movie which held many memories for us. It was during the very end of Christmas break when I was visiting. I was fifteen and we were all hanging out after just getting done smoking a bowl in Trey's new pipe. We were sitting at their house, in the Nickelsen's movie room, when Trey and Garrett got caught. So of course, when the movie started, the memory was brought up.

John looked at me with a smile. He was remembering what else had happened that night. After we were all kicked out of the house, John and I had snuck off to the lake in the neighborhood. We sat there, staring up at the stars as he held me in his arms. He mumbled words that sixteen year old boys never dreamed of saying. That night, he was promising me forever, saying that he'd always care about me and that one day in the future, we'd get married. We were at the stage where we knew we loved each other, but we never spoke it out loud.

I couldn't help but smile back at John, thinking of our kisses we shared that night and the words exchanged. His lips moved, but I couldn't hear what he said. But in the dim light of the movie, I watched him mouth the word forever.

My eyes shut quickly as I thought of the word. His hand reached over, placing itself on my thigh. That's when I stood up quickly, walking towards the kitchen. I heard Stephen murmur an excuse for himself and he followed me.

"What the hell happened out there? You were doing great!" he said, walking closer to me.

I shrugged. "I panicked. I didn't know what to do and I just, I freaked out." He sighed, reaching in the refrigerator to grab a water bottle for himself and one for me. Once I took it from him, I took a quick drink. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," he told me, wrapping me in a hug quickly.

We walked back into the living room and everyone seemed to be focused on the movie. I took my seat next to John again. He glanced at me. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Don't worry 'bout it," I replied. He nodded, biting his lip. I could tell he wanted to say something more, but he didn't. He simply looked back at the screen after making it a fashion to rest his hand on his leg, palm up.

Within half an hour, I found myself leaning against John. I was tired and he was comfortable to lean against. The buttons, however, on his shirt were beginning to piss me off since they were pressing against my face. And the clothes I had on from the concert, were pissing me off as well. I could tell that half the boys were uncomfortable with their concert clothes and I sighed, standing up. I motioned at John to follow me and we both ignored the odd looks everyone was giving us as we walked up the small stairs.

He sat down on my bed as I pulled out a pair of shorts to change into. I muttered for John to give me his shirt and with confusion on his face, he obliged. I asked him to undo my shirt and skirt and he nodded, undoing the zipper. I hated the fact that the sexual tension was unbearable, but I couldn't do much about it. I slid off the shirt and shirt, revealing my black and white silk matching bra and panties. I put on the shorts and slid on John's plaid shirt he was wearing.

"So I'm expected to go shirtless now?" he asked jokingly.

With a laugh, I shook my head, walking over to the dresser. "I left some of your stuff here a couple years ago from when we were, you know, and my dad was supposed to give it to you. I guess he never did, because I found it when I was unpacking. It's a bunch of your clothes." I pulled out a plain black shirt and threw it at him. For the rest of the guys, I grabbed several shirts and shorts for them to change into, after also throwing shorts at John.

Once he was done changing, he walked over to me, putting his hands on my hips. "I forgot how - how beautiful you were in my clothes," he whispered. "You look flawless, Addison. I miss this."

I pushed his hands away. "Don't do this right now, John."

"Well when can I?" he asked, desperation in his voice. "Because I've been waiting, Addy. I've been waiting for four years to see you again and now you're back. Now I'm waiting to be able to talk to you without a fight, to be able to touch you the way I used to touch you, to tell you that I love you without being afraid of you freaking out, and to be able to kiss you again because God - God I want to be able to kiss you again."

"I don't know, John!" I shouted. "I don't know when I can even look at you without my heart breaking."

He laughed bitterly. "Your heart? You left me, Addison!"

"Yeah, I heard the song, I get it," I muttered, grabbing the clothes and pushing him away. He reached for my wrist, but I yanked it out of his grasp. "I'm done, John. I'm done."

I walked down the stairs and was greeted by smirks, but as soon as they saw my face, they stopped. John came down behind me just as I passed the clothes around. We sat down and one by one, one of the guys stood up to go change in the bathroom upstairs. The silence between John and I was bothering everything - that was obvious, but no one said anything.

It was just after two when the movie ended and everybody had fallen asleep. Everyone but Stephen and I. Neither of us were nearly as tired, so he slipped in another random movie for us to watch.

"Are you ever gonna let him back in?" he asked, looking at John.

I looked, too, shrugging. "I honestly don't know. I want to, but I don't know."