Infinite Repeat

Summer seemed to end too damn quickly. It was like one minute, I was just getting off the plane in Tempe, not expecting to see anyone I used to care about. But now here I was, a summer romance, two new tattoos, and tons of drunken nights later, unpacking all my shit at the apartment I still shared with Tina. I had planned to stay in Tempe longer, originally. Even thought about moving there officially, to be honest. But I didn't. I didn't feel the need. It was fall and that meant the beginning of fall tours and recording new albums. I was in the way and that wasn't what I wanted. By the beginning of September, it was getting harder and harder for Stephen to find time to see me. Between recording a new album and planning a new upcoming tour, it just didn't fit in his schedule - I didn't fit in his schedule.

Tim's parties dwindled, mostly do to the fact that he was exhausted with their own tour planning and trying to write more for a new album that was going to arrive in the winter months. When I found myself sitting home with my father and a now pregnant future step mother, I knew it was time to go home.

They threw a big last shebang for me, though. It was at Tim's - of course. Everyone who I'd ever met or reconnected with that summer had showed up. I adored my second family, more than anything, but I knew it was time to go home. Everyone protested, wanting me to stay, but I couldn't.

I spent my last day with John, as weird as that sounded. Somehow, over the three months I'd been there, we had - kind of reconnected. He was my best friend and no matter what, I'd always love him. I knew I would and that was the only thing that made it hard to be around him so much. On my final day, we spent the first half of the day cuddled in his bed together and we spent the second half at a late lunch and an early movie. For the life of me, I couldn't tell you the name of the movie. Honestly - I didn't pay attention. Maybe it was the fact that John kept talking to me, reliving old memories that hadn't yet been brought up. Maybe it was the fact that the we were the only ones in the theater, which meant we could be as loud as we wanted. Maybe it was the fact that I kept finding myself wondering what it would be like to be back in his arms. Or maybe I just had too much on my mind to even be able to tell you who played the main characters or what their names were.

While my day was with John, my last night was with Stephen. And somehow - just like he was always able to do - he made me forget about John. I didn't know how he did it, but he did. His lips ignited a fire in me, making me desire him more and more. Maybe it was a curse, maybe it was a blessing. I didn't know and I didn't care. All I knew and all I cared about, was the fact that Stephen had the amazing ability to give me an euphoric haze. To anyone on the outside, they'd swear I was on drugs, but I would swear that I'm not. He knew what he did to me and fuck, did he use that to his advantage.

That was why I found myself crying as I stood at the airport, my best friends all standing around me while passing me around in hugs. John was second to last - just after Kennedy - and he looked heartbroken. He didn't want me to leave and I didn't want to leave him. He wrapped me in his strong, but fucking thin arms tightly. He murmured that he loved me more than anything in the world and that as soon as they had time in Texas, he'd come see me. I nodded against his chest, trying my hardest not to kiss him.

I was passed to Stephen after he kissed the top of my head. My boyfriend - the second boy I'd fallen in love with that summer - held me tighter than John did. He didn't want to let go and of course, I sure as hell didn't want him to. He kissed me all over my face, kissing my tears away. I buried my face into his chest. His soft voice whispered that I didn't have to leave him and that I could stay with him. I couldn't, though, and I knew that. He kissed my lips finally, saying how much he loved me. I said it back to him, just as my flight was being called. A laugh fell from my lips as he tried to pull me back and I would've stayed longer, except for the fact that it was the final call.

So I sucked it up and walked on the plane after a final hug and kiss on the cheek to everyone. I sat next to an elderly woman who was going to visit her grandchildren in Austin. She spoke about them, saying how she adored them all. When she finished the story of how the love of her life died, she asked if I'd ever been in love. I told her yes - telling her my stories of the two boys I loved. She laughed, though, and I asked why she did.

"You may in love with both, sweet pea, but there is only one who you're really in love with."

What the hell kind of advice was that? Wasn't it the same thing? I always thought it was, but apparently I was wrong. That didn't even make sense. I knew I was in love with both. I told her that and she just laughed her goddamn laugh again.

"You're in love with the idea of one. The other - well, the other you're head over heels for. I can see it in your eyes."

My eyes? How could she see that much from my eyes? I didn't complain, though, because maybe she was right. I didn't know which one I loved the idea of or which one I truly loved. Maybe I never would, but that was okay.

I sighed as I put my suitcase back in the closet. My stuff was unpacked and all the dirty things were out in the laundry room. I needed to do that soon, but now just wasn't the time. I was too tired, too sad, too lonely.

Tina was at work - no one to talk to in person. Mom didn't call - didn't want to call her. Dad was busy with his baby momma - no thank you. Stephen hadn't called - didn't want to seem too needy. There was always John, but again - didn't want to seem too needy.

So I sucked up my loneliness and sat on the couch with a pint sized Ben and Jerry's while a Skins marathon ran on MTV.

My loneliness didn't last too long, though. At around nine, Tina came home. She had called a few minutes before and said she was picking up sushi for take out because she managed to get Blake to cover her shift for her. I was grateful, no matter how much Tina did talk.

I loved the girl to death, she was my best friend. The time she visited me was fun, insanely fun. The guys all instantly fell in love with her and she was the same. I hated that she only stayed for about a week, but I couldn't do anything about that. I missed her and I was truly excited to see her again.

A grin was spread on my face as I heard her key unlock the door.

"Fuck California Rolls!" she cheered, letting the bag drop. She ran towards me, hugging me and I hugged her back. Our hellos lasted longer, mostly because we were girls. And over sushi, she made me tell her all the details I hadn't told her over the phone or Skype. I told her about my last day with John and my evening with Stephen, along with the heart breaking airport goodbye.

It was midnight when Tina fell asleep and half an hour later, I had a text message from John, saying for me to get on line. Of course I did - but not before I fixed my hair and make up a little. It only took two seconds for the web chat invite to pop up from 'JohnO'. I accepted, grinning back at his crooked smile.

"Hey Addy," he said.

I smiled, greeting him back. In the corner, I noticed a passed out Pat, his mouth wide open. I couldn't help but laugh at that, making John grin. "How's the tour planning?"

"Good, we scheduled it so that we'll have the day off after the Austin show. You'll come, right?"

A loud laugh fell from my throat as if it were the most dumb question he could ever ask me. "Of course I'll be there, John."

We talked for another hour - or four - longer. I missed it. I missed being able to talk to him for hours without having to worry about someone making a move. It was easy this way. It was easy to talk to him over a small little camera. He made faces at the camera and we both messed with the special effects. It was like we were teenagers again, not twenty-something year olds who didn't want to grow up just yet.

It was four in the morning for me - three for him - when we decided to start winding down. He made fun of me as I brushed my teeth and when I changed into pajamas, he grinned at the fact that I was planning on sleeping in his shirt from the beginning of the summer. Of course I had tried to give him all his clothes back that I had, but he insisted that I kept them.

"So how's home?" John asked, just after I settled into my bed with my laptop next to me. My head was resting on my pillow and I probably looked awkward as I shrugged, but I didn't care.

"I'm not home, John," I finally replied. "Austin isn't my home. It's just - a halfway home, I guess. My home is back there, with you guys. So you tell me, how's home?"

There was no way in hell that he could've possibly hid the large grin on his face. "Home misses you."

And damn, did I miss it, too.

*

My life turned boring instantly. Without Stephen or John or any of the Tempe boys, all I did was work and sleep. Tina and I somehow had completely different schedules. When I was working, she wasn't. When she was working, I wasn't. So without even Tina to keep me occupied, I was bored.

Months passed - making it November by the time things started to pick up again. Life was easy and I liked it like that. Every two weeks, Stephen would visit me and to say that things were great with us would be an understatement. We were amazing somehow and I was just fine with that. Since I wasn't with John - only speaking over electronics - it was easy to bury my feelings for him. What did make it hard, though, was the fact that he was deciding to tell me how much he really did love me each time we spoke.

The only thing about my life that wasn't boring, was the fact that I had met a boy, who filled the spaces that Stephen and John couldn't. They weren't here, but he was. I had met him at work because I was interviewing him for a job at B.D. Riley's. He was supposed to get the job, but things fell through for him last minute, so he couldn't accept it.

His name was Trey and he was - he was perfect. The name was coincidental, he wasn't Garrett's brother or anything. He was a Texan, born and raised in the Lone Star State. I thought he was crazy, staying in the same state his whole life. I'd grown up in three and I didn't even think that was enough. But for some reason, he loved Texas. He grew up in Houston, visited Dallas often, along with Austin. He loved it, so he moved to Austin.

Trey was gorgeous. He had gray eyes that were mysterious. His hair was sand colored, but a tad more on the blond side. He was tan - very tan - and buff - damn, did he have muscles. He was sweet, funny, caring, and everything a perfect guy should be. He respected that I had a boyfriend, but he still would ravage about how much he wanted me to be his. But I would never cheat on Stephen, never on anyone.

He kept me entertained when I was alone. He was slowly, or quickly, turning into my best friend. Despite his perfect stature, he did have flaws. They were little ones, just that he would always forget to put the toilet seat down and he would over think things. That was it... kind of. He was an addict, something I didn't know if I liked.

Now, don't get me wrong. It wasn't weed or anything, since you can't get addicted to that. I didn't complain too much because that would make me a hypocrite. In my many nights partying in Arizona, or even in Austin or Providence, I had tried many types of drugs besides just weed. I'd tried ecstasy, bars, cocaine, crack cocaine, opium, mushrooms, and PCP. The only drugs I'd hadn't tried - and refused to - were heroin, acid, and crank. They had been offered to me, but I had some self control. I wasn't a druggie, far from it, but I was a teenager once and I was still young. I wanted to have fun and alcohol and weed just didn't do it for me.

But Trey - he was a user. He was a tweaker. He snorted and smoked crank all the time. He offered the crystal meth to me, but I refused. I had heard about the effects of it and I didn't want that. I didn't want to be out of control of my own body. Of course he respected my decision, but he also promised that he'd take care of me if I ever decided to. But watching him crash - after the many nights he'd spent at mine and Tina's apartment - I didn't want that.

"I don't know why you bring him around here," Tina said, rolling her eyes as he left the apartment for a quick toke. "He's a total tweaker."

I shrugged. "Tina, you didn't even know he was until you came home and he was doing it. Besides, you were like, in love with him before you found out."

"Yeah, before I found out he was a total meth head. That's shit and you know it, Ads." When I didn't reply, she sighed. "Just promise me you won't do it, okay? My brother sang along with the monster and his life is shot to hell now."

I agreed, knowing I didn't ever plan on 'singing with the monster'. I knew that meth fucked with your mind and I didn't need that.

So why did I find myself constantly wanting a taste of the terrible 'monster'?

*

I wasn't ready to see John, not at all. My heart was pounding in my chest. The concert was in just hours and I was supposed to be there in twenty minutes to see them before they got too busy. Tina was supposed to go with me, but she had to work. So that's how I ended up walking the street with Trey, making our way to the venue.

He was telling me to calm down - knowing all about my history with John. I was jealous of his calm demeanor, but I wasn't jealous of the way he obtained that way. Or maybe I was.

We were only a block away from the venue and I could see all five of them as they walked back and forth between the bus and the back door. I could see them unloading equipment and I took a deep breath, glancing at Trey. He seemed to be able to read my mind.

The two of us slipped into a small little crevice between buildings. It was risky to do something so dumb in the open while it was daylight. I didn't care, though. I watched as he pushed the drug into the end of a pipe. He informed me what to do and I nodded, taking a drag from the end. I let it out and coughed.

He was right, though. The feeling was euphoric. I felt amazing and instantly calm. Of course I hated myself for singing a song with the crystal, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop as he passed me the dark blue pipe.

And when it was done, I glanced back at the venue. My heart stopped in my chest as I noticed the all too familiar boy, staring directly at me. His gaze never left mine as Trey and I walked closer to them all. I could see the look on his face and it was unreadable. But in the moment that I was next to him, he smiled, wrapping his arms around me. My body was in a haze and all I wanted to do was kiss John and never let him go.

He wearily let go of me, looking right in my eyes. Were they dilated? He studied my face and instantly, a flash of disappointment covered his expression. He glanced at Trey, offering a friendly smile. "Hey man, I'm John."

"I've heard a lot about you. Name's Trey."

"He's a friend. Tina was supposed to come, but she had to work."

John nodded slowly, studying Trey. He wasn't intimidated and I didn't expect him to be. "You look pretty buffed up, we're all weak ass band dudes. Think you can help us unload equipment?"

Trey nodded and walked to where John instructed him to. He introduced himself to the rest of the guys and began carrying Pat's drum set inside. John looked at me, shaking his head. "I've missed you," I said.

"What in the hell are you doing, Addison?" I played dumb, acting like I didn't know what he was talking about. "I'm not blind or an idiot. I hang around tweakers all the time, Addy. Please tell me you're smart enough to say no and that was just your first - and only - time."

I nodded. "I was nervous... he said it would calm me. I didn't know what to do around you, John. You make me nervous."

"Meth, or drugs in general, shouldn't be a solution. I love you, you shouldn't have to be nervous."

I shook my head. "That's why I'm nervous. Can we just... can we talk about this later? I won't do it again, I promise."

That was a promise I could keep, right?