Infinite Repeat

So it was a lie. It was a promise I thought I could keep, but it wasn't. It felt like it was hours - days - but it wasn't. I hadn't had a taste in two hours and my mouth watered, wanting more of what I knew Trey had to offer. I watched John as he and the rest of the guys, who had no idea of my little confidence boost, prepare for the concert. I met the band they were on tour with and Trey instantly got along with them. And when he disappeared with the band, I understood what John meant when he said that he hung out with tweakers. The entire band that he toured with were heavy cranksters.

To make sure I wasn't lying about earlier being my first time, John barely ever took his eyes off me. Even when I went to the restroom, he made an excuse to follow me. It was annoying, but I knew that he just cared about me. My body and my mind craved the stupid little drug that Trey had. And when the boys were doing sound check, I managed to slip away with him.

We had smoked three bowls by the time they were done and I felt like I could take on the world. No, that was a lie. I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't think about anything. My eyes wouldn't focus and I could barely breath, but at the same time, I was in overdrive. I was doing everything all the same time, but nothing at all. Trey noticed this and leaned over to whisper that he'd take care of me if I got too out of hand. I knew he would, that didn't worry me at all. What did worry me, though, was what John would do if he noticed.

And he did - instantly. As soon as he stepped off the stage from sound check, anger was all over his face. He could see it. He could smell it. And he could sense it. I laughed loudly at his pissed off expression because at that moment, I honestly didn't care. He grabbed my arm, rough enough to pull me, but not rough enough to hurt me.

He sighed while closing the door to the dressing room. "What is going on with you, Addison? Don't give me a bullshit excuse on how you were nervous to see me. Tell me what's going with you."

"Nothing is going on, John." He rolled his eyes at my excuse. It wasn't one, though. "Look, okay, I'm alone here. After spending the summer with someone with me twenty four, seven, it was weird to come home and be alone. My friend are all back at school and Tina is working when I'm not. I didn't have Stephen, even though he tries to visit when he can and I didn't have you. And I met Trey and he wanted me - to be friends with me. And he offered it to me. I said no at first, all the time. But then I gave in today, after weeks of wondering what it was like. I'm alone and it makes me feel good, John. Don't you know what it's like to feel good? Really good?"

I watched as he bit his lip. I wasn't sure if it was me or the crystal that made me want to lean forward and kiss him, but I did. He responded immediately, holding my face in his hands. I had missed how it felt to kiss John and he pulled me closer to him. But then he stopped, pushing me back.

"It's you, Addy, that makes me feel good. You are the one who makes me feel like I'm high. But I can't do this - I can't kiss you. You're with one of my good friends and you're high."

He was right. I was high. I was so high, that I felt like I was out of this world. So I laughed, again. There was nothing funny, but suddenly, everything was hilarious. I was propped up against John, laughing like there was no tomorrow. It took minutes for my laugh to die down and when it did, I noticed the utterly disappointed look in John's eyes.

And it was like I was sober, but I wasn't. Meth wouldn't magically come out of my system like weed and alcohol did. It paused or something and I found myself crying. John pulled me into his arms, softly murmuring words to me. I shook my head, telling him that I was sorry.

"No - no, I am. I shouldn't try and control you. Just promise me you'll keep yourself in check. If it gets too much, promise you'll call me, okay? I'll help you. I love you. I love you so much. Be careful."

Promise. Promise. Promise.

Didn't he know that promises were meant to be broken?

*

The weekend after John left, Stephen was coming. There was a three day grace period between boys and in those three days, I had smoked six times with Trey. After the first day, he joked with me about how I was becoming his little addict. That scared me. On the third day, he made me stop. He said he was surprised that I lasted so long without crashing. He was surprised I wasn't almost dead. I hadn't eaten much and I hadn't been able to sleep. According to Trey, I was like a regular tweaker. Apparently my weight loss was rapid and I knew that wasn't healthy. I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop.

I was sleeping when Stephen arrived. Tina, who was home from work for once, let him in. He came into my room and according to him, I was shaking when he came in.

"You okay, baby?" he whispered when I finally woke up. "Tina said you'd been asleep for almost thirty hours." I stayed silent, except for my stomach. I was starving. "Let's get you some food."

I responded to that.

We walked to the kitchen after he kissed me. When he pulled away, weary, I wondered if he knew what was going on. He eyed me for a moment and looked down at my body that was dressed in a romper that was pajamas. The silk was smooth against my skin and Stephen sighed. In the kitchen, Tina was making spaghetti for us all. I wanted to tell her to make more, but then she'd be suspicious, like she already was.

"You know, you were sleeping for a long time... but the past few days, you haven't slept at all. You look awfully hungry, and you haven't eaten much at all. Is everything alright, Addison?" She had that tone in her voice. She knew. But she wanted me to say it in front of Stephen.

"Fuck off, Tina," I muttered.

Stephen placed his hand on my back. "Baby, she's right. Each time I've called at all hours of the night, you've been wide awake. You look like a walking stick."

"I'm just... stressed," I said, pushing his hand off of me. Another side effect was bitchiness.

He sighed again as Tina put the plate in front of me and one in front of him. I began eating immediately. It probably wasn't an attractive thing to do in front of my boyfriend, but I couldn't help it. I was absolutely starved.

At eight, Trey stopped by with a gift. He greeted Stephen, who instantly took on the protective boyfriend roll. He loosened up, though, when he saw that Trey wasn't even trying to hit on me. He usually did, but apparently he knew better than to do it in front of the boys. I made up an excuse, saying that I had his jacket in my car. The two of us went downstairs and outside to snort some street crank. It wasn't a good as what we usually did, but it was all he could score on short notice, since we'd finished the last of the glass two days ago.

I walked back in the apartment with glazed eyes. Trey left after the bowl and once inside, Tina sent me a disapproving look. I ignored it and grabbed Stephen's hand.

My body was lost in his as we stayed under my sheet. I hadn't been with him in what felt like forever and I missed it. The meth was fucking with my hormones, but I didn't care. I wanted Stephen and I loved him, but I wouldn't dare tell him about my kiss with John. I wouldn't dare tell him that I was doing methamphetamine. He didn't need to know that.

Trey told me that the sex would be better once I was high and he was right. Stephen was taking me to places I'd never been, taking me to heights I'd never experienced.

"I love you," he murmured in my ear as we finished. "Baby, I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

He kissed my forehead. "So you'd tell me if something was wrong, right? If something was going on with you?"

Should I tell him? I didn't know. I opened to my mouth to confess my dirty secret, but nothing came out. I simply shut my mouth tight and stayed silent.

I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips, telling him that I would tell him if something was wrong. I told him I loved him and he repeated the words back to me. Of course I didn't like that I had lied to him, but there was no way that Stephen could find out. I figured that sooner or later, Tina or John would tell him, but I didn't want to think about that day.

Stephen slept that night, I didn't. I stayed up, thinking about what the hell I was going to do with my life. I couldn't work at B.D. Riley's for forever. And yeah, I was only twenty with years to come to figure all that out. But I wasn't in college, I didn't have my own money. If I needed any, I could ask my step dad, but I didn't want to have to do that. It wasn't like I could mooch off of Stephen. I wasn't going to be a meth head (even if I already was). I wasn't going to do it for forever (even though I already couldn't see myself not doing it). And I wasn't going to be as bad at Trey (even though I already kind of was).

When he woke up the next morning, he asked me how long I'd been awake. I lied and told him only a few minutes. He kissed my forehead and said he was going to shower. It took me all of twenty seconds to hop up from the bed and go join him. We made love in the shower before we actually got to the point of a shower. It was hard to keep going, because his lips knew just where to touch my skin.

It was noon by the time we made our way out to the living room and when we did, I was instantly hit with confusion. There were suitcases everywhere and half the items in the apartment were missing. Tina was rushing back and forth with a phone tucked between her ear and shoulder as she spoke a mile a minute.

"Tina, what's going on?" I asked.

She mumbled something to the person on the phone and hung it up. "I have to leave - I have to go." When I asked her why, she broke out into tears. I rushed out of Stephen's arm and over to her. She sobbed silently. "My brother - he, he's in the hospital. He went too long, too many days without crashing and he passed out. He didn't wake up for days and Ellie called nine-one-one. She's being taken away from him and my parents refuse to watch her, so she's being put in my custody. I have to go home."

My eyes widened. Ellie was her brother's six year old daughter. Jake, her brother, was too high on meth to stop himself. He didn't know that he needed to crash, so his body did it for him. "So you're moving out? She can live here, Tina. Ellie can come here."

"I can't do that, Addy." I knew why, but I dared to ask. "Get real, Addison. Look at yourself. I love you. You're my sister and my best friend, but I can't bring her around you. I lived with Jake doing it for years, I know the signs, the smells. I'm not dumb and I've waited for you to stop, to realize, but you haven't. Call me when you get clean, then we'll talk."

She walked out of the room and my jaw was slacked open. Her words were like a stab in the heart, but I couldn't find myself to snap back to reality. Stephen was behind me, asking what the hell she was talking about. I didn't say anything and he turned me to face him. I finally stopped to look at him and I broke out into tears. I told him everything and the disappointment on his face made the tears continue.

"Baby, you need to stop," he murmured, holding me close to him. "Do you want to come on tour? We can end the apartment lease and you can come with me, then move in with me in Tempe. Do you want to, baby? I'll take care of you, I'll take good care of you."

But I didn't want to stop. I knew I needed to, but that didn't mean I was going to and I wanted to. I shook my head. "I don't - I don't want to stop, Stephen."

"Addison, you need to. This isn't good for you. Do you want to end up like Tina's brother? Baby, please."

Tour. Teens. Teens with connections. Band members with connections. Trey. Tina. B.D. Riley's. Tempe. Arizona. Texas. John.

Thoughts were racing through my head and somehow, someway, I agreed. I nodded my head, agreeing to go with him. That meant quitting my job. That meant ending the lease on my apartment. That meant leaving Trey. That meant leaving Texas and my home. But it also meant staying with my boyfriend. It also meant easier connections. It meant better parties. It meant I could get high and blame my symptoms on tour stress.

Oh yeah, this was going to be a good decision.

*

Stephen left the next evening, but promised to be back the next weekend to help me send all my things to his house in Tempe. His parents would unload it into Stephen's house he shared with Brian. Tina had left and I had five days to do whatever the hell I wanted with Trey.

He took the news of my leaving rather hard, but at the same time, he was okay with it. He said he'd visit since he gets around a lot for deals. He said that if I ever needed any, to give him a call.

So in those five days, we did a whole lot of nothing and a whole lot of everything. The first two days were spent high at hell, doing nothing but snorting and smoking street crank and high class crystal. We didn't sleep and we didn't eat. The third day, we crashed. We slept for twenty four hours and ate our body weight in whatever the hell we could find. The fourth and fifth day, we spent eight hundred on an eight ball of glass. It was worth, God was it. The day Stephen was supposed to come, instead of crashing like planned, I could only sleep for a few hours before Trey was pouring water on me. He said that Stephen was supposed to be there in two hours and wanted to know if I wanted to smoke a little before he got there.

Of course my answer was yes.

After spending an hour of the two smoking, I spent the last one in the shower. I scrubbed at the bugs eating at my skin and washed my hair while shaving everything necessary.

Stephen had arrived sometime when I was in the shower with all the boys and when I got done getting ready with my hair and make up, Jess with picking out clothes for me to wear and the boys were all done packing stuff into a U-HAUL.

"You look fabulous, Addy. How did you lose weight so quickly? Have you been working out more?" Jess asked as she looked at me once I was done getting dressed in an off the shoulder light black shirt with 'Young Heart' written on the front, a pair of cut off short shorts, and black flip flops. She switched my old Coach purse to a large black Balenciaga bag and I put on diamond stud earrings and a half silver, half diamond heart necklace.

I shrugged with a laugh. I knew how I'd lost weight, but I wouldn't confess, not to Jess.

"That friend of yours, Trey, he's so delicious."

"Down girl, you have a boyfriend!" I joked, putting the very last of my things in a bag so that we could leave. She shrugged back at me as we walked to the living room - that was now empty. Trey was sitting with the boys and I could sense the hostility between him and Stephen.

Brian announced that we should probably leave and every agreed.

So I could say goodbye, I walked over to Trey and hugged him. "Remember what I told you, Addy." I nodded, remembering how he said I could call him if I ever needed a dealer. He handed me a neatly wrapped gift. "I got you something. You can thank me later. I think you'll really like it."

I looked down at the bright pink metallic paper and laughed, knowing he probably hated buying my favorite color wrapping paper. I shook it slightly and heard something rattle. He smirked with a wink and if my idea of what was in the box was right, I knew that I'd be a happy girl.

After finalizing things with the landlord and one more final goodbye to Trey, I was sitting in the van between Stephen and Baby John. Since everyone was tired, John passed out after ten minutes and so did almost everyone else, except Courtney, who was driving, Stephen, who was answering Formspring questions on his phone, and me, who wouldn't be sleeping for another day or two.

I wanted to open the gift, God, did I want to. But I didn't know if I should with Stephen sitting next to me. He was occupied with his phone, though. Okay, I could do it. I opened up the wrapping paper, slightly catching Stephen's attention. He ignored it, laughing at something on his phone. Inside the paper, there was a small light pink box. I lifted the lid and grinned instantly.

Inside, there was a pipe much like Trey's, but it was pink with lighter pink swirls on it. In two little Ziploc baggies, there were two eight balls of glass measured out.

"Baby, you okay?" Stephen asked. I shut the lid to the box quickly and set it at my feet. "You have this... look in your eyes - like a want."

Of course I did. I wanted the meth and I wanted it now.

But I simply smiled at Stephen and leaned over, kissing him deeply. "I just want you."

And I wanted to get high.