Infinite Repeat

My mom found out about my momentary lapse in judgment. Apparently, one of my step father's patients, who was a huge fan of The Summer Set and The Maine, had read something about how the bassist of the band had a girlfriend who had a drug problem. So she called me, wondering what the hell was going on. I had no choice but to tell her the truth. She tried to convince me to go to rehab and get professional help, but I knew that if I ended up at some drug ward, I'd go crazy.

John was helping me. He really, really was. Somehow, he knew that I didn't need to talk about it. I just needed to somehow keep my mind off the little voice in my head. So he kept me busy. I was in charge of the most random jobs - anything that he could give me to keep me occupied. From doing laundry, to cleaning the bus, to folding shirts, to collecting ticket stubs - I did it all. I was an expert on the specific water temperatures that Kennedy preferred his underwear to be washed at. I knew just how Jared needed his hair care products to be arranged. No one in the world, besides his mother, could possibly put away Garrett's clothes in the exact form they needed to be.

I was getting better, I knew I was. The with drawl symptoms had nearly vanished and differed. I was no longer hungry - I was the opposite. I felt full, all the time, and I knew it was probably because I'd gained seven pounds in just a few days. Yeah, seven wasn't a lot, but it was for me, who had lost that seven pounds in two days. It felt weird to have food in my system and I honestly wasn't used to it, which was probably why I'd been throwing up a lot.

"You look like shit, Addison," Aubree, the merch girl for the other band, said. On most nights to keep me busy, I'd help her. I muttered a sarcastic appreciation towards her and she laughed. "Sorry, but it's true. When was the last time you ate? Do I need to go get John? You look like you're gonna faint."

I shook my head. "I don't need John."

I bit my lip and tried to focus on helping her unpack the boxes. My turn around was slow, mostly because if I turned too fast, I'd get dizzy. When Aubree saw that I was struggling to hold myself up, she excused herself quickly. I knew that she was going to get John or Kennedy or one of the guys - whoever she found first - but I didn't feel like stopping her.

My stomach growled as I put the the bracelets into a wooden basket for her. I tried to make them not tangled for easier access.

"Baby, come on," I heard someone say. My heard turned slowly and I struggled to focus my gaze on John. "Gare just got back with Taco Bell, come on, baby, he got you food."

He walked over to me and grabbed my hand. I didn't have enough energy to fight him, so I shot a glare at Aubree and followed John towards backstage. He sat me down on a couch and set the three tacos on my lap while sitting next to me.

"I'm really not hungry, John," I protested, scrunching my nose at the food.

"And I really don't give a fuck, Addison. You're on medication for malnutrition and I haven't seen you each in days. You aren't going anywhere until you shove those tacos down your throat and keep 'em there."

I glared, because in all honesty, I really didn't feel hungry. I knew that I was, but I didn't feel it at all. It was weird and odd, but it was how I felt. John didn't understand that the very thought of food made me want to throw up.

But just to make him happy, I choked down the three tacos. He made me sit with him for an hour after to make sure that I wouldn't throw them back up. That act alone made me sick. I had to rest my head in his lap to keep from having a feeling of nausea.

When he was done babysitting me and was needed elsewhere, I was passed to Kennedy, for who the hell knows what reasons. He shared his agreements with me on how he thought John was being a bit too overbearing, but at the same time, he understood exactly why he was doing it. He told me that John loved me, more than anything in the world.

"He'd do anything for you, Addison," he told me. I nodded, telling him that I knew that. "Have you spoken to Stephen lately?" I nodded again, saying that I had just gotten off the phone with him before John had dragged me back there. "He's a great guy, Addy. I've known him longer than I've known John. You shouldn't, uh, you shouldn't hurt him, okay? I'm not saying that you will... I just don't want you to. He's like a brother to me, you know? And I really don't want to see you leading him on if you know you're gonna just end back up with John."

"I don't know what's going to happen down the road, Ken. I don't want to hurt Stephen, at all. I love him, I really, really do. He has this way of making everything okay and he knows just how to drive me crazy - in the good way, of course. Is it bad that I'm in love with both?"

He shook his head, taking a sip of whatever was in his Taco Bell cup. "I think you should just try to figure out which one you really love, and which one you love the idea of, because I think that's what's really going on here."

When he finished the words, I instantly thought about the lady on the plane. I had forgotten about her and the things she'd said to me. Both she and Kennedy were right, probably. I had always thought that it was bullshit for someone to love two people, until I experienced it. But now that I really thought about it, I really did only love one of them and the other was just an idea. I had a pretty damn good idea of who I loved the idea of, but I didn't know how to figure out for sure and how to tell someone - anyone.

But somehow, the words spewed out to Kennedy, who looked shocked. "You have history with both... but maybe you're just trying to hold on to something familiar," he said.

"Should I tell him?" I asked, doubting that I should do that.

And when he nodded, I knew I had to.