If This Was a Movie

Jonathan’s eyes glazed over hearing her stutter over the first two words.

“I don’t think that’s fair to me.” She finally choked out.

He sighed in relief and ran a hand through his hair. “What do you want? Please, just tell me what you want and I’ll be that for you.”

“I don’t know what I want Jonathan, I just don’t want to feel like this!” Her labored breathing calmed a bit. “I just don’t want to hurt anymore.”

Jonathan’s heart nearly broke seeing her like that. He wanted to help her, he wanted to take away all her pain, but how could he when he was the cause of it. “I don’t want you to hurt anymore…I wish I could take it all back. Or at least I wish you could forget it all happened.” Jonathan leaned his back against the wall.

“I wish I could too, Jon, but it’s the only thing I think about now-a-days. I think about how much I miss you and then I think about how you betrayed my trust. I think about how I want you to hold me and then I think about you holding her. It’s honestly an endless circle in my head and I just want it to stop.”

Jonathan didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything. After they sat in a long, uncomfortable silence he spoke up. “Please don’t go.”

“That’s what I do, Jonathan. When I don’t know what to do, I run.”

“Don’t run from me…I can fix it. Let me fix it.” Jonathan looked at her with vulnerable eyes. Lilliannah didn’t know what to do so she followed her instincts. She fell forward and placed her head in Jonathan’s lap. She then curled her knees up to her chest and let Jonathan hold her. They stayed in this position for a long time until Lilliannah fell asleep. When she woke up, she was laying on the bed that she had woken up in this morning. She removed the blanket that draped over her and walked towards the living room. She stopped when she heard multiple voices speaking.

“I’m afraid Pat. Seriously scared out of my mind.”

“Of what?” The voice belonged to the older Patrick.

“Hurting her again, Patrick! I can see her warming up to me again and don’t get me wrong, I am beyond excited, but I love her so much. She’s seriously my entire world…I don’t want to fuck this up again. When I asked her to marry me…I meant it. I want to spend the rest of my forever with her.” Her heart skipped a beat as she listened to Jonathan’s little speech.

“You’re lucky I understand how you feel. The other guys would have just taken away your man card.” Patrick slightly chuckled.

“I don’t care, they can have it. I just need her.” Jonathan said in a softer voice.

“Look, I’d love to stay and chat but Abbs is in the car and she and I are dying of starvation. Are you sure you’re okay with watching Madelyn?”

“Yeah, we’ll be okay.”

“Listen, if you still need to talk, we can go out for coffee after practice tomorrow.”

“I’ll let you know, thanks Pat. Have fun tonight, I’ll call if Mads gives me any problems.” A few seconds later, Lilliannah heard the front door open and shut. She then decided it was safe to enter the living room. Jonathan noticed her presence right away and smiled. “You’re up.”

“What time is it?” Lilliannah wrapped her arms around herself.

“About seven…are you cold? Take my sweatshirt, it’s on the couch.” Jonathan cocked his head toward the black hoodie sprawled out on the couch cushion. He would have gotten it for her if the sleeping newborn wasn’t in his arms. She was reluctant, but put it on anyway. It fell over her small frame, drowning her in its fabric.

“Thanks.” She said quietly and sat down where the sweatshirt had been laying before she put it on. Jonathan walked over and sat down next to her.

“Are you hungry?” He asked.

“Not yet, my stomach’s still a little upset from crying.” She admitted. Jonathan’s heart sank. He was about to say something when Lilliannah cut him off. “Jonathan, I’m sick of fighting my feelings and I’m tired of fighting with you.”