Rowan; Going Crazy

I wonder why I am still here every day. I do not belong with the Chain-Gang, I am not out worldly cruel. I am not hopeless, I do not seek vengeance, or redemption for my past. I had a normal child hood, I am a Demon, but seeing as I have not turned 17 I do not truly know of my powers but I do know of the evil that lurks under my skin. Thinking about my other side makes me shiver and sick, I do not want to turn out as Blake did.

Although Blake was not much to begin with, I often wonder if he had a soul before his merging, his change, which in less than a year will happen to me. I am not the only one who will suffer the curse of what we are, some like Blake do not think of it as a curse, of course I had hardly even knew Blake before he transformed into this soul less Demonic Bastard that I am faced with today.

I hate that we are born as two and given only one body to share, my vulnerable soul and the Demonic persona that I am to be come. Today was hard; I saw a boy who is almost at his 17th birthday, he already has lapses in time and his other side took over. Only in the form of his Art, but still, his shock and fear closely mirrored mine. Not because what he drew disturbed me, but because I am to become like him, like Lex, and like Blake.

Lex was scared when the change came to him. He use to be so warm, so caring, so funny. That is what I remember the most, Lex could make everyone laugh, and then just like that he was gone. Now he is controlling and angry always angry! No matter what I say or do he is always in a bad mood. He says that is because he is dead, not because of the change, but I think the change followed him into death, and did not destroyed it.

Lex at times terrifies me. Today he scared me, he wanted to kill her, the Angela girl, the old Lex would never kill a woman or a child. But this Lex would kill and pillage all that stood in his way of getting what he wanted. I helped him, pulled him back, but who will be there to check me when I myself need pulling back? It hurts to know this, because there is nothing I can do.

I can not come up with some answer that will equal my redemption. I just hope when I do become a monster that I am no where near here and all of the innocent people that live here. I almost lost it on a girl today; she was nice, she saved Emil but she insulted us. She pitied us she refused my help, she angered me. I wanted to gouge out her lovely large blue eyes, her sweet transfixing eyes. I wanted to hurt her for the looks she was giving me. I wanted her to never give anyone else a look like that, I wanted her eyes, I wanted to take them so badly, they glittered like topaz or diamonds.

I hated her, and in the moment I grabbed her arm I wanted to rip it right out of her socket. I had to hold my breath and calm myself and remind myself that she was not a bad person and that I was in thanks to her. It hurt, in that moment forcing back my inner Demon, I hated that I naturally thought that way and needed to stop myself, almost as much as I much as I hated Emil and his smile after I punched him in the face for pushing Krystal-Oktober. She was smaller than him and so...so sweet, she did not know it but she was, I loved her so much but she was obsessed with that bastard, if she was mine I would treat her like she deserved. I would hold her in my hands and never let her go, she would be mine, all mine, he would never get a chance to look at her, devalue her next to his little whore of a Vampire.
Oh God? What am I saying? Even now I find it hard to control my emotions. Emil knew that this is happening. He knew that soon I would be like Blake and Lex, only driven by my primal needs only wanting to kill; only wanting to take what was mine. Only wanting things that I had no business wanting, and then taking anyways. That was why he was so happy when I hit him, because he knows soon that no challenge that he gives me will make me waiver I will do what ever he says for the pleasure of the reward that would be to come.

The sinful and dastardly reward that comes with the price of taking life and hurting others. I hate this! I hate what I am becoming, maybe if I was not a monster Krystal would like me. Maybe if I was not going crazy she would forget him and be with me. Maybe if I was not going to loose myself I could get to liking this school. Maybe even making friends like that blue eyed girl Emmy, past my wants, needs and desires I did like her a bit, she-she had power.

I worried about her, I could feel her power, it was as if her power and blood and flesh was screaming at me telling me things; whispering in my ears. My other side was telling me twisted things, about how easy it would be to just slit her throat, how easy it would be to let her warm blood drip down my hands. Her power flowing through it, her life literally would have been in my hands.

It would be truly poetic for her to end that way so young so much potential but not enough time. It was harder then I wanted it to be to force myself away from hurting her, as soon as I left the class I ran to the nearest bathroom and threw up this seriously messed up black slime.

It was so close, my birthday only two months away, only two months until my Demon could take control. Only two months until I was only allowed part in my life when my Demon granted it, after that I could not stop myself from hurting people, from collecting Emelia’s eyes or stealing Krystal away. Two months until I will be reduced to nothing.