But You Loved Me

If I was flexible enough, I would have been kicking myself all afternoon, but unfortunately, that was one of the talents I had yet to master. He was right fucking there. And I didn’t even say anything. If I had of just looked up a few seconds earlier, I could have done something, said something.

Hah. Could have. That doesn’t mean I would have. I’ve never been the most logical of people, that’s what got me into that mess in the first place. If I had of just been honest, then maybe things would have ended up differently. Maybe they would have been better. But no, I was a coward. And what did I end up with because of it? Seven years of loneliness and misery.

I’d probably never see him again anyway. By the time he would have left the store, he would have forgotten where it was, it’s that small and insignificant. And even if I did, what difference would it make? I’m still just as much of a coward now as I was then, if not more. And he looked happy, I didn’t want to ruin that for him by bringing up memories he’d probably much rather forget. Even if he was the man I loved.

I sat in my car for a good twenty – maybe even thirty – minutes before I finally turned the key, running over it again and again. I could still see his face in my mind, so clear he could have been right in front of me. Part of me was hoping I hadn’t been gawping at him like a fool, another part was still kicking myself for not saying something to him, and the other, well the other didn’t know what to think. It was happy, ecstatic even, just to have seen him again. But the fact that it could have been my one chance, and I didn’t take it, completely pushed any happiness to the side.

I drove well below the speed limit, I probably had several cars honking at me as they overtook, but I was barely paying attention to the road as it was – how I didn’t crash, I’ll never know. I was still in a daze as I arrived back to my apartment, heading straight for the bedroom – not stopping to discard my jacket, or even my car keys -, where I collapsed onto the bed with a sigh. He was right there.

*

I woke up the next morning after an incredible uneasy nights sleep, and quickly I made a decision, I was going to forget it. Chances are I would never see him again anyway, and it was pointless pining over something I was never going to have. I had brought all of this on myself, so I had to deal with that.

I spent the morning filling my mind with useless information. I watched the news as I ate breakfast; put the radio on in the car as I drove to work, singing loudly along to every song that came on, even if I didn’t know the words. I listened when Steve told me about his evening, and how his girlfriend’s course was going. Whenever the store was empty, I was busy checking the stock, putting up new posters, or even just generally tidying. And when it wasn’t I assisted the customers, offering them my opinion on books, chatting to them about their day, or the weather as they paid, instead of just sitting around, wallowing in self pity. And strangely, it felt good.

My lunch hour was spent at Starbucks. Normally I’d eat lunch in our staff room if I hadn’t made plans with Mikey, but I decided sitting by the window, watching the world go by, was a perfect distraction. I pushed the door open, relishing in the warm smell of coffee that hit me the moment I walked through the door, and headed to make my order. It took less than three minutes and after muttering a quick thanks, I took it and turned, to find him stood directly behind me.

Our eyes locked for a moment and he let out a small smile before glancing behind me and reaching past me. His hand returning a few seconds later, now filled with a cup of his own. His eyes flickered to mine again, he frowned this time, watching me, I stayed where I was, unable to move. And then he spoke.

“You work in that bookstore a few blocks away… right?” he asked, his tone slightly unsure. I nodded slowly, unable to find my voice, simply because I was too busy relishing in the sound of his own, it had been so long since I’d heard it, and it was still just as beautiful as it had been then. He frowned again, his expression confused, and I realized how stupid I probably looked, but I just couldn’t find… anything. I didn’t know what was happening. He smiled, and glanced over his shoulder. “Anyway,” he began slowly, “I gotta go,” And with one final smile, he was gone, and I was left, kicking myself once more, I really could be a complete idiot sometimes.

*

There was one thing that was bugging me, more than the fact that I had become a speechless moron the moment I had seen him again. The way he had acted, it was… different. It felt like… well it felt like he didn’t even know who I was. Now I can understand that he probably wanted to move on and start again, and he probably pushed me to the very back of his mind. Something I probably should have tried to do more with him. But he couldn’t have forgotten me completely? Could he? Because it was him, I was sure of it. I could never forget. But he was different, very different. And I couldn’t work out what it was.