Status: done.
The Black Parade
Sleep
Frank's point of view
Here I am sitting in a room with my nurse. No Chemo today, just a checkup. She asked how I am sleeping.
I haven't noticed it until now, but I am not sleeping well. The rare occasion I do get some, I have very bad night terrors. Very bad tremors. And I see things. Frightening things. I wake up gasping for breath because it feels as though someone has been gripping my throat. Trying to strangle me. They wanted me dead. Sometimes I see images of fire. And I can feel the heat on my skin. It seems so real.
But the worst ones are where I see Corrine. But they aren't good dreams. I can see her dying tragic deaths and being tortured. I can't tell her any of this because she worries about me too much already. I don't want to burden her with this.
I heard the nurse talking and I could see her lips moving, but I couldn't make out any words. I guess I should probably try. It is probably important. I zoned back in and she was explaining that she was about to ask me some questions and blah blah blah.
"What do you see in your dreams that scares you?" She asked. I explained about the strangling and fire and death. She nodded and scribbled some words on her notebook.
"Can you tell me a good dream you have had in the past?" I thought for a minute.
"I had this one dream several times about a year ago. I was in a church filled with small children I had never met before and they were all singing. I didn't know the song so I just listened. They were smiling and laughing but the happiness melted off of their faces and I smelled smoke. I saw that the building was on fire. The kids weren't panicking like you would expect, they were almost paralyzed. I tried to put the fire out but couldn't. So instead, I started helping the children out of the church. Suddenly, the parking lot was filled with cops, parents, and reporters telling me how grateful they were and telling me I was their savior. Then I would read the newspaper with my face on the front page."
"That's always as far as I got. I woke up soon after that every time." She gave no response at all. Just nodded and wrote some more notes.
She stopped writing and and flipped through the pages in my medical file. She was intently reading and occasionally raised her eyebrows when she found something interesting.
"I see here that there was an incident at your old school." I looked down and nodded. I wish I could delete that from my file.
"I'm not sorry, if that is where you are trying to get. I am sorry for how it affected the people around me, but I'm not sorry for what I did." And I wasn't. She found this fascinating. She was now looking straight at me with a confused look on her face.
"Oh?" Was all she could verbalize. I could tell she was terrified.
"I wasn't stable at the time. I was lucky not to be thrown in a hospital or jail. I pleaded temporary insanity and suddenly everyone felt sorry for me. I was insane, but I am well enough to know that it does not excuse what I did. I don't deserve their sympathy. I deserve their anger. I was a troubled kid, and I acted on it. I hurt a lot of people, but I don't regret it. It has helped me become who I am today. If I had never done it, I would still be this shy kid who is still holding in all his rage. Eventually, I would explode and the outcome would be much worse. It was something that had to be done."
The nurse had obviously never met anyone like me before. I had never told anyone any of this before. It felt so unnatural explaining myself to this stranger. I was confessing the horror I have caused and lived through. She knows the monster that is inside me.
"Don't get me wrong, I am extremely sorry that other people had to be hurt. And not a day goes by that I wish I could take all the pain of their families away."
She was shocked. Scared. Nervous. Angry?
"Well, I think I know what has been causing the sleeping problems, so I am going to go now."
She snapped out of her trance of emotions. "Oh. And what do you think the problem is?"
"The things I have experienced. The things I have seen. No one should have to live through any of this."
Here I am sitting in a room with my nurse. No Chemo today, just a checkup. She asked how I am sleeping.
I haven't noticed it until now, but I am not sleeping well. The rare occasion I do get some, I have very bad night terrors. Very bad tremors. And I see things. Frightening things. I wake up gasping for breath because it feels as though someone has been gripping my throat. Trying to strangle me. They wanted me dead. Sometimes I see images of fire. And I can feel the heat on my skin. It seems so real.
But the worst ones are where I see Corrine. But they aren't good dreams. I can see her dying tragic deaths and being tortured. I can't tell her any of this because she worries about me too much already. I don't want to burden her with this.
I heard the nurse talking and I could see her lips moving, but I couldn't make out any words. I guess I should probably try. It is probably important. I zoned back in and she was explaining that she was about to ask me some questions and blah blah blah.
"What do you see in your dreams that scares you?" She asked. I explained about the strangling and fire and death. She nodded and scribbled some words on her notebook.
"Can you tell me a good dream you have had in the past?" I thought for a minute.
"I had this one dream several times about a year ago. I was in a church filled with small children I had never met before and they were all singing. I didn't know the song so I just listened. They were smiling and laughing but the happiness melted off of their faces and I smelled smoke. I saw that the building was on fire. The kids weren't panicking like you would expect, they were almost paralyzed. I tried to put the fire out but couldn't. So instead, I started helping the children out of the church. Suddenly, the parking lot was filled with cops, parents, and reporters telling me how grateful they were and telling me I was their savior. Then I would read the newspaper with my face on the front page."
"That's always as far as I got. I woke up soon after that every time." She gave no response at all. Just nodded and wrote some more notes.
She stopped writing and and flipped through the pages in my medical file. She was intently reading and occasionally raised her eyebrows when she found something interesting.
"I see here that there was an incident at your old school." I looked down and nodded. I wish I could delete that from my file.
"I'm not sorry, if that is where you are trying to get. I am sorry for how it affected the people around me, but I'm not sorry for what I did." And I wasn't. She found this fascinating. She was now looking straight at me with a confused look on her face.
"Oh?" Was all she could verbalize. I could tell she was terrified.
"I wasn't stable at the time. I was lucky not to be thrown in a hospital or jail. I pleaded temporary insanity and suddenly everyone felt sorry for me. I was insane, but I am well enough to know that it does not excuse what I did. I don't deserve their sympathy. I deserve their anger. I was a troubled kid, and I acted on it. I hurt a lot of people, but I don't regret it. It has helped me become who I am today. If I had never done it, I would still be this shy kid who is still holding in all his rage. Eventually, I would explode and the outcome would be much worse. It was something that had to be done."
The nurse had obviously never met anyone like me before. I had never told anyone any of this before. It felt so unnatural explaining myself to this stranger. I was confessing the horror I have caused and lived through. She knows the monster that is inside me.
"Don't get me wrong, I am extremely sorry that other people had to be hurt. And not a day goes by that I wish I could take all the pain of their families away."
She was shocked. Scared. Nervous. Angry?
"Well, I think I know what has been causing the sleeping problems, so I am going to go now."
She snapped out of her trance of emotions. "Oh. And what do you think the problem is?"
"The things I have experienced. The things I have seen. No one should have to live through any of this."