Broken Dreams and Hopeless Wishes

Brian was struggling with the stairs as he continued to take 2 at a time, stumbling half way up each flight. He still remembered her room, which was a feat in itself with the state he was in, and pounded on the door once he got there.

“Emily!” he yelled, giving up on the pounding. “Emily?” He rested his head upon the cool surface of the door, picking at the paint that was beginning to peel around the doorknob. He fell forward into her as she opened the door for him, surprised in herself. He was drunk again; she could tell. He reeked of the bathroom of a club and so she figured that alcohol wasn’t all he’d been taking into his body that night. His arms were tight around her now as if he was terrified of letting her go, which although he’d never admit, was entirely true.

“Brian, what are you doing here?” She tried to maintain her composure, though Brian’s made up face was making that quite hard for her. He smiled up at her as he continued to hug her before she struggled free of his grasp, her hands now on her hips. If she could maintain their distance then perhaps things wouldn’t be so bad. It was only once she started letting him into her head that things got messy.

“I came to see you sweetie. Because I want you,” he said, his voice softer than that of what angels wore. That only made it harder for Emily to reject him.

“Well you have to leave, Brian. I don’t want you here.”

“Wha–” Brian looked hurt and Emily figured that he probably was, though he deserved every minute that pain would last. The pain of rejection had nothing on that of betrayal.

“Please, Brian. Leave.” She walked over to hold the door open for him. If that wasn’t a clear sign then she didn’t know what was. He wasn’t welcome. She wondered why she kept letting him in. A part of her was hoping for him to be sober one day, though that day seemed to be getting further and further away.

“I’m afraid to be alone,” Brian said, though it came as barely a whisper. He hated feeling vulnerable in front of others, and in front of her it was killing him. “You know?” Emily knew.

“Brian I’ve no idea what you’re on about.” Her voice quivered as tears began to form in her eyes. “I’d like you to leave now.” She looked to the floor as she waited for him to trudge out the door, locking it once he was finally gone. Just the sight of him was enough to destroy her all over again. She’d been so young, and he’d been so cruel.

Brian made his way back down the 8 flights of stairs, having been unsuccessful with the elevator once again. That damn thing was always breaking down, he thought, taking but one step at a time on his descent. Defeated, he stood at the front of the apartment complex with no place to go. He’d been so sure she’d take him back that time. He’d been so sure she’d be over it by now, but then what did he know.

Brian took a turn down a street he was unfamiliar with, just for a change of scene. It was late; the moon was the only thing lighting his way as he walked, the streetlights scarce along the path. A homeless man was laying in the doorway of an abandoned building with a newspaper and a tattered coat his only protection from the cold London night. Across the street from him rushed a lady with her child dragging behind. Bran heard her muttering as he passed her, catching the tears running down the child’s face.

“…he’s a hopeless buffoon, your father. I hope you said your goodbye. Now hurry along…”

A little further up the street stood a girl by her lonesome, her attire surely freezing her to the bone. Nervous was written all over her slender frame. She couldn’t have been past 17 years old, Brian thought, shaking his head in dismay. He knew that if he had been a girl, and perhaps not so lucky, that he’d be in the same place all 3 of these people had been in life; homeless, pregnant, and looking for a pay check in all the wrong places. It was like the boulevard of broken dreams he’d walked onto, Brian thought, pulling his jacket tighter around his tiny waist.

Brian’s footsteps were keeping him company once he’d sobered up and had realised just how alone he was, once again thinking back to Emily. He’d cursed himself every day after she’d left for what he’d put her through, first with the abortion, then with all his betrayal. He had a slash on his wrist for each other he’d slept with throughout those months of dishonesty, and a rather impressive medical record for the amount of times he’d tried to off himself for forcing her to kill their baby. He knew how it felt to him, having lost something so precious, and so could only imagine how she’d be feeling. With those thoughts still running through his mind, and feeling uncertain and a little anxious by his surroundings, all Brian found himself wanting to do was to call her. He pushed the thought from his head as he rounded the corner and took the next left, slipping into a bar.

Sat in a booth at the back of the room, Brian lit a smoke. He watched as people went about doing different things, watching in particular a man trying to chat up a girl barely old enough to buy the liquor she was drunk on. People were now in front of him blocking his view of the crazy world at work, his name floating about his head as it was repeated by the man closest to him.

“Brian?”

“Hmm?”

“It’s Pete! How’ve you been? Long time since I’ve seen you.” The man smiled across at Brian in a friendly manner, though Brian still hadn’t a clue how he knew his name. “Guys, this is my friend Brian.” Brian took a look at the people that had decided to invade his personal bubble, only recognising one of the faces before him. Naturally, she wasn’t facing his way, her hand linked with the man still trying to grab Brian’s attention. He’d fucked her before, though he guessed her boyfriend never found out about it as she’d feared. His girlfriend had. Once again, Emily came to mind. He stubbed his smoke out in the ashtray and got up on his feet.

“Excuse me,” Brian said, slipping from the group he could no longer recall. Tears filled his eyes as he was again brutally reminded of his shameful ways, but the rain now pouring from the sky was enough to disguise his emotions.

Brian had made his way back to her apartment, the tears running down his cheeks as he leant his head on her door once again. His attire was soaking wet, but he didn’t care. He hadn’t really the effort within himself to think about it. Again he found himself pounding on her door though this time, she didn’t answer to him. She was finally done with him, he thought, refusing to give up just yet. He’d stand there all night if he had to, his hands red by the time he’d realise that time would make no difference. Much to Brian’s surprise he flew straight through the doorway on his third or so knock, having finally broken the hinges after all these months.

“Emily! I need to talk to you!” he yelled, heading straight for her bedroom. He felt about the darkened room as she didn’t answer him, finally giving in and turning on the light. Brian’s eye’s flickered with the sudden bright light, and then rested upon her empty bed. “Emily?” He couldn’t imagine where she could have gone to so late at night, and so thought to search the house for her. She wasn’t asleep on the couch where she used to be found. Brian would carry her back to bed and plant small kisses across her forehead once he got back to find her with the TV still on. He checked the kitchen on his way past, finding no beauty standing with a cup of hot chocolate at whatever hour she felt like it, no mug awaiting Brian’s lips sat on the kitchen counter beside her. He walked, now a little defeated, towards the bathroom, surprised by the light coming from beneath the door. He turned the door handle which of course, was unlocked. Brian used to sneak in and steal showers with her, thinking that perhaps she left it unlocked all the time because she liked it. He smiled as he entered the room, the steam heating his body which he hadn’t even noticed was shaking from the cold. His eyes were fixated on something as soon as he entered the room, the tears falling once again. He rushed to the side of the bathtub brimming with water, now a sickening red in colour, touching his fingers to her cheek. As cold as death; the temperature within Brian’s own body dropped to that of hers. He could barely make out her face anymore through the constant tears that no amount of rubbing seemed to stop, though he continued to try clear his vision being so desperate to look upon the beauty that had captured his shallow heart. Grabbing for her, Brian pulled her up and wrapped himself around her limp body.

“Baby, come back,” he croaked. “I'm so sorry.” In all honesty he wasn’t expecting an answer, but hoped that wishing for it as much as he was would make it the reality. “I wish you were so close to me,” he said, pulling her tighter against his chest. He knew she was way up in Heaven by now, feeling the need to believe in such a place just for her sake. “I wish you were by my side.”