Maybe Holding Hands Wasn't Such a Good Idea

With an irritated groan, I tossed the covers away from my body and sat up to check the time. Only half past two in the morning. This is just great, I thought sourly.

It was the middle of the night and I couldn’t sleep—again—and I already finished my homework last night when I couldn’t sleep so that left me with lurking around the internet, watching late night infomercials, or reading to pass the time.

I really didn’t want to do any of those things, all I really wanted to do was get some sleep, but that wasn’t an option right now either. I stood up and started pacing around my room in the dark, stretching my arms over my head as I did so. I walked through the doors that led to my balcony and lay down in the hammock rocking myself lightly from side to side, thinking about things I didn’t want to think about, yet couldn’t stop myself from thinking about anyway.

The stars blinked overhead in the cloudless night sky and my eyes traced the easy patterns that I looked up at so regularly.

How did this day go so perfectly and utterly wrong? First, Tiffany doesn’t break up with Matt after walking in on us this morning like she was supposed to. Instead she vows to wait for Matt to finish with me and that she’ll be watching his every move. Then, my dinner with Tyler, while great in the beginning, made me doubt if I could trust anything he told me in the past three months or would ever tell me in the future.

But that’s not fair, I argued with myself. Just because he lied this one time—that I know about—doesn’t mean that he has lied to me before about anything else. Right? And it’s also not fair because I’m keeping things from him, too. But my intentions are good, could I really say the same for Tyler?

I honestly didn’t know. I let out a frustrated groan. One minute Tyler’s a lying, conniving jerk, and then the next, he’s the same guy who puts Post-It notes on my locker and texts me ten times a day just to tell me that he’s thinking about me. And yes, while most of the time, I find all the attention a little annoying, I did like it some of the time.

All of this thinking-in-circles-thing was just about driving me nuts.

And then there was Matt.

My fake boyfriend.

There were moments though, when I was with Matt that I completely forgot about Tyler. My thoughts were full of hazel eyes and heartbreaking dimples and I couldn’t spare Tyler a tiny thought. And that made guilty knots take root in my stomach.

It’s not wrong to like spending time with Matt, I told myself. He’s a great friend who’s understanding and fun to be around. Nothing wrong with liking that, I told myself, nothing wrong with liking that at all. And yes, he’s not too hard to look at either; it’s not like being good looking is a crime all of a sudden. I scoffed at myself, good looking? Matt was way beyond just merely “good looking”, the guy was insanely attractive.

And there is nothing wrong with thinking that Matt is attractive, I told myself. Anyone with a pair of eyes and an affinity for guys would agree with me that Matt is, well, hot.

But I don’t like him in a way other than as a friend. Matt and I are just friends, and I’m okay with that.

I smacked my head with my hand. I really needed Kara here to talk to. Talking with myself was getting me absolutely nowhere and further away from being able to sleep. With a sigh I stood up and walked toward the edge of my balcony and looked down at my Thai paper lantern-lit backyard below.

There was something about being out here on the balcony, thinking about Tyler and Matt that made me think of Juliet standing on her balcony thinking about Romeo. “O, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?” I muttered with a soft chuckle.

I stared down at the square black, inky mass below that reflected the light from the lanterns and decided to go swimming. I walked back into my room to change into my simple black two-piece. Maybe swimming for a bit would tire me out enough so that I would be able to get some sleep tonight or just enough so I wouldn’t plague myself with my never ending thoughts about Tyler and Matt.

I walked downstairs with a towel draped over my arm and made sure I was quiet as I moved through my house. I wasn’t sure if Matt was a light sleeper or not and didn’t want to wake him up, there was no reason for the both of us to be awake right now.

I opened the glass door to my backyard and dropped my towel on one of the chaise chairs before turning on the pool lights. I sat down at the edge of the pool and put my feet in, shrinking back slightly from the coolness of the water. I swung my legs back and forth for a bit, getting used to the water, before sliding my body into the pool. I dunked my head in and soaked my hair. I would not think of either Tyler or Matt, I told myself sternly. I was just going to swim and not think. Using lazy strokes, I slowly swam from one side of the pool to the other; focused solely on the movements of my arms and legs and the sleek feeling of the water flowing over me.

I was resting my head on my arms at the edge of the pool lost in thought while my legs flowed back and forth in the water.

“Liv?”

My head snapped up. “Matt? What are you doing up?” I asked as I got out of the pool.

Matt handed me my towel.

“Thanks,” I said as I wrapped it around my body.

“I could ask you the same thing,” he pointed out. “It’s almost four in the morning, Liv, what are you doing out here?”

“I couldn’t sleep so I figured I would swim a bit. What are you doing up? Oh, god, I didn’t wake you up did I? I didn’t think I was being loud. I’m sorry,” I said quickly.

“Whoa, Liv. Calmarse,” he smirked as he slipped easily from English to Spanish. “You didn’t wake me up. I was thirsty so I got up to get some water, when I was walking back through the house I noticed that the pool lights were on so I came out here.”

“Oh.”

“So are you going back to bed anytime soon?” Matt asked.

“I think so,” I nodded. “I’m not feeling tired enough just yet.”

“Okay,” Matt said slowly. “Don’t stay out here too late, it’s getting kinda cold.” He hesitated a moment.

“What’s up, Matt?” I asked when he hadn’t turned to go back inside.

“We’re cool, right?” He asked. “I mean, earlier when you got home tonight... We were...” He sighed. “I was mad at you and then you cried. I just wanted to know if we’re alright and if you’re okay now?”

I bit my bottom lip to keep from smiling at Matt’s obvious struggle with what he wanted to know. Despite my attempts, I felt my lips turn up into a small smile at his concern. “I’m fine, we’re fine,” I said quietly. “It’s all good.”

“Okay good,” Matt breathed out with a smile. “I just wanted to make sure. I didn’t like not knowing.”

I nodded. “Thanks.”

“So, this insomnia of yours is a real bitch, huh?”

“A bit,” I said. “But I don’t think it’s my insomnia that’s keeping me awake tonight,” I admitted.

“No?” Matt’s eyebrow rose. “Then what is?”

I turned to look at the soft rippling water in the pool and I shivered slightly as the wind hit my wet skin. “I just have some things on my mind tonight,” I sighed silently.

“Things like what?” Matt asked as he sat down in one of the chaise chairs by the pool.

I followed suit and sat down too. “Just things,” I answered vaguely.

“Ah, boys. And by boys, I mean Vaughn. Which means you don’t want to talk to me about it,” Matt surmised quickly and accurately.

I shot him an amused smile. “OMG! You’re, like, so totally right,” I said in my overly peppy, cheerleader imitation. I let my voice go back to normal. “I just can’t wait for Kara to get back here so I can talk about my boy problems with her.”

Matt laughed. “Yeah, I figured. I’m not exactly good with talking to girls about their guy problems. Which makes me have to ask,” his face had become serious. “Does your problem with Vaughn have to do with me suggesting that you tell him to give you space?”

“No,” I smiled. “I haven’t exactly brought that up with him yet. I didn’t think it would make for good dinner conversation,” I added with a small smile.

“Oh,” Matt nodded his expression now thoughtful.

“And after tonight,” I sighed. “I don’t know! And this is why I need Kara. She’ll tell me the truth. Man, she’ll be downright brutal about it and that’s what I need to hear right now; the brutal truth, straight up. No bullshit. And that’s the only way Kara does it.”

“Liv?”

“Yeah?” I asked looking over at Matt. My breath hitched suddenly in my throat as his hazel eyes locked on mine, keeping me from looking away from the intensity in his stare. I felt like I was drowning in the hazels, browns, and greens of his eyes.

“If you ever want to talk, about something other than guys and Vaughn, you can talk to me,” Matt said quietly. “Okay? Just want you to know that. We are friends and if I can help you out with anything, or lend you some extra muscle,” he cracked his knuckles in one hand and then the other. “All you have to do is ask and I’ll be there for you. Wherever, whenever.”

“Thanks.” I felt warmth spread up my neck and lodge onto my cheeks as I suddenly became aware of everything. I felt every drop of water fall from my hair onto my skin and trail down in squiggles across my shoulders. I could smell the strawberries from my shampoo coming from my hair and if I breathed in deeper, I could just vaguely make out the scent of Matt’s cologne. I could feel my towel slipping slowly off of my shoulders with every breath I took, feel the softness of the fabric as it slid further and further down.

I finally was able to look away from Matt and tried to organize my suddenly muddled thoughts. When I looked back over at Matt, his eyes weren’t on my face anymore and I felt my exposed skin burn wherever his eyes looked and my cheeks flamed even hotter.

“Y-you know what?” My voice was a little husky when I spoke and I cleared my throat loudly, breaking Matt’s gaze over my body as he looked up at me. “I think I am tired enough to go to bed now. See you in the morning,” I said jumping up quickly and doing my best to not run into my house. I struggled to keep my pace even before turning the corner and sprinting up to my room like an Olympic 100 meter dash runner running for gold and pride of country.

I grabbed some clothes and locked myself in my bathroom. I was going to take a quick shower and go to bed. I turned the shower on and made sure the water was warm before I took off my bathing suit and stepped under the heated spray. I rushed through the motions and got out ten minutes later.

I dressed into my black tank top and blue shorts quickly and furiously towel dried my hair, hoping I wasn’t causing any breakage with my hasty motions.

I all but launched myself into my bed and pulled the covers up to my shoulders and finally took a breath of relief. I looked at the time, only 4:30 in the morning. I wasn’t sure exactly what had happened with Matt just now, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know what just happened.

All I did know was that I could still feel his eyes on me, scorching my skin with that intense stare of his. I felt like I could have melted into a puddle on the spot under his hazel eyed gaze.

And I ran away from him like some silly schoolgirl with a crush, I groaned silently at my own idiocy.

Relax, Liv, I told myself. There’s a perfectly ordinary reason why Matt was staring at you like that. He’s a guy after all, and you were pretty much naked with only a towel to cover up. Any other guy would have stared too; it’s a perfectly natural response for a guy to check out girls in their bathing suits.

I scoffed into my pillow at how conceited I sounded.

Matt wasn’t checking me out, he couldn’t have been, right? Right. I reassured myself with a nod.

Then what was he doing if you’re so sure he wasn’t checking you out?

I bit the inside of my cheek. That was a good question, I admitted ruefully. But I don’t have to answer you, I thought childishly. So there.

I am you. You’d only be answering yourself.

I did have a point there. I slammed my head back onto my pillows in frustration. I was arguing with myself and losing! I really needed to get a hold of myself.

I really did not want to think about this anymore. I closed my eyes and forced myself to think of nothing, hoping that sleep would take me and that Kara would get home soon.