Maybe Holding Hands Wasn't Such a Good Idea

It was Sunday afternoon and Kara and I were lounging on my bed talking about who we thought the better actor was, Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt.

“But Brad has those amazing eyes. I swear if I were to meet him in person I would swoon as soon as our eyes locked together,” Kara said as she sighed and overdramatically held the back of her hand to her forehead and let herself fall back onto the pillows that covered the bedspread with another long, blissful sigh.

“What do Brad’s amazing eyes have to do with his acting ability?” I asked with a smile. “And swoon? Who uses words like swoon nowadays? Who are you, Scarlett O’Hara?”

Kara laughed. “Oh my!” she exclaimed with an over the top southern accent. “How I do wish I could meet a man like Rhett Butler one day and let him sweep me off my feet!”

“You’re such a nutball, Kara,” I said laughing affectionately.

“Yeah, well, you know me,” she shrugged and stopped talking like a southern belle who had just made her debut into society.

“I still say Johnny is the better actor though.”

“You would,” Kara said sitting back up. “You definitely have a thing for bad boys.”

“Bad boys?” I scoffed. “Have you met my boyfriend? Tyler couldn’t be more the all American boy even if he hated eating apple pie.”

“Well, what about my brother?” Kara’s eyebrow rose in question, the implications in her voice thick as she stared at me with a knowing smile. “You can’t say the same for Matt.”

No, no, I can’t, I sighed.

Kara laughed triumphantly when I didn’t answer her. “All good girls like you, have a spot soft for the bad boy. You can’t help it.”

“I wasn’t attracted to him because I thought he was a bad boy,” I said finally.

“I see you’re using the past tense again,” Kara noted thoughtfully. “Shouldn’t you be using the present tense when referring to your feelings about my brother? Seeing as how you have present romantic feelings toward him and everything?”

“No,” I said firmly, my eyes were as hard as my voice as I looked at Kara seriously. “I don’t.”

“Aww, come on, Liv, don’t get all grumpy,” Kara said as she repeatedly poked my cheek gingerly with her finger.

When I didn’t smile like she expected me to, Kara stopped poking at my cheek.

“Fine,” she said. “I’ll stop being annoying by saying you have a thing for Matt. Happy now?”

“Only if you mean it,” I qualified indifferently.

“I really, most, sincerely mean it. Speaking of my older brother whom you, my best friend on the entire planet, have absolutely no feelings for other than friendship, where is he?”

I shrugged casually. “He said something about lifting some weights, maybe he’s doing that.”

“Wasn’t it weird having him here all weekend?” Kara asked as her face contorted into a mask of annoyance.

“Surprisingly, it was nice having Matt here,” I admitted truthfully. It was nice to have someone here to combat the loneliness that I usually feel during the weekend, but I wasn’t going to tell Kara that. I’d had enough of her and her insinuations that I had fallen for Matt again. I also wasn’t going to tell her that Matt had slept on the couch in my room all weekend instead of staying in the guest bedroom; I could only imagine what she’d have to say about that.

“You know I can’t believe Matt actually stayed here to care for you while you were sick,” she said, a note of amazed wonder coloring her voice. “He doesn’t even do that kinda shit for me and I’m his little sister.”

“Really?” My eyes widened slightly in surprise. “I had no idea.”

Kara nodded. “It’s weird isn’t it?”

“Yeah, definitely weird,” I agreed.

“But I gotta hand it to him, you do look much better than you did on Friday. Are you feeling better?”

I nodded. “Yeah, my nose is still a little stuffy but other than that, I feel fine and will be able to go to school tomorrow. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not,” I said with a laugh.

“Ugh!” Kara groaned. “Please, Olivia, it’s still the weekend and that horrible institution ceases to exist to me from Friday afternoon until Monday morning. So let us not speak of it again today, yes?”

“Whatever you say, K.”

“So has Tyler stopped by at all this weekend?”

“No,” I rolled my eyes. “He’s called me a few times though but doesn’t want to risk coming over to see me. He thinks I might still be contagious or something and he doesn’t want to get sick and miss out on a game.”

“What a jerk!” Kara said loudly. “How can he be so selfish? My brother’s been here all weekend breathing in the same air as you and he isn’t sick. Stupid jock,” she grumbled irritably.

I started to laugh at Kara’s indignation but then started coughing. I reached out and grabbed the glass of water on my bedside table and took a long slow drink to ease the dryness of my throat.

Concern etched itself onto Kara’s face as she gazed at me through narrowed eyes that reminded me of the way Matt looked at me all weekend to gauge how well I was feeling.

“Are you okay?” She asked, a small amount of worry leaked into her voice and creased her brow as she continued to stare at me.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said softly so I wouldn’t strain my voice anymore than I had to. “I probably just need a cough drop or something.”

“Maybe you should stay home tomorrow,” she suggested with an uncharacteristic frown on her face. She looked completely serious for once, all traces of teasing and joking gone.

“K, I’m fine. I’m over the worst of my cold, I promise,” I smiled reassuringly at her. “Seriously, between you hanging out with me today and your brother taking care of me all weekend, I feel great. Honestly, never better.”

Kara didn’t say anything for a moment but then finally cracked a smile. “Well, they do say that laughter is the best medicine, so don’t go giving Matt all the credit for making you feel better,” she said with a smirk. “I definitely did my part, too.”

“If anyone asks why I got better so fast, I’ll definitely tell them it was all your doing,” I said solemnly, ruining the effect by grinning widely.

“Damn straight,” Kara agreed. “Matt-schmatt.”

“I heard that, you little freak,” Matt said as he entered my room, a joking smirk on his lips.

“I heard you walking down the hallway, bro,” Kara said as she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, well, mom’s here to pick you up,” he said as he neared my bed.

“Already?” Kara asked amazed, a slight whine in her voice.

“Yeah, and she seems like she’s in one of her moods so I wouldn’t keep her waiting if I were you.”

“Fuck,” Kara sighed getting off of my bed. “Alright, I’d better go. See you tomorrow, Liv, and feel better.” She leaned down to hug me.

“See you at the place you don’t think exists on weekends tomorrow,” I said with a smile as she pulled away from me.

“You know I’m actually convinced the place disappears on Fridays and reappears at sunrise on Mondays like freaking Hamunaptra or something,” Kara said with a wide smile.

“Wow,” I replied. “You just made that reference.”

Kara chuckled. “Brendan Fraser for the win!”

I laughed as both Sanders left my room. A smile was still on my lips when Matt reentered a few minutes later.

“How’re you feeling?” He asked as he sat on the edge of my bed.

I’d lost count of how many times Matt had asked me the same question over the weekend. “I feel fine,” I said struggling to keep the small annoyance out of my voice.

“Are you hungry? Do you think you can handle something other than soup today?”

My stomach growled loudly at the thought of real food and Matt smiled.

“Seems like you’ve got a wild beast for a stomach,” he smirked.

I laughed. “Feels that way,” I said getting off of my bed. “I am so hungry.”

“Alright, let’s go feed the beast,” Matt said as I followed him out of my room and downstairs into the kitchen. “Sit,” he tossed over his shoulder as we entered the kitchen.

“Why?” I asked taking a seat at the table.

“I’m making you lunch. So what do you want to eat?”

“Honestly? I have no idea; I’m so hungry I can’t even think straight. I feel like I could eat a horse, or ten.”

“We’re a little low on horses at the moment. What about something simple, like a sandwich?” He suggested.

“Yes, please,” I said as my stomach rumbled loudly again.

A few minutes later, Matt placed a sandwich down in front of me and I was eating it with inhuman speed.

“Whoa, Liv, slow down. You’re going to upset your stomach,” he reasoned.

After shooting him a quick glance, I started eating slower. “Thanks,” I said as soon as I swallowed. “This is probably the best thing I’ve ever eaten in my entire life.”

“That’s just the hunger talking,” Matt laughed. “But you’re welcome anyway.”

Matt and I finished eating our lunch quietly, neither of us exchanging words.

“Can I ask you something?” Matt asked seriously.

I swallowed my water with an audible gulp and nodded. “Sure.” Seeing Matt acting so serious was putting me a little on edge. “What’s up?”

“Well, I was pretty bored on Friday and Saturday and did a lot of wondering around when you were sleeping,” he started out. “And I noticed the little shed you have out back.”

I felt my stomach knot up slightly. “Did you go in?” My voice barely registered above a whisper.

“Yeah,” Matt said. “Why do you have that covered up junker out there?”

I was quietly staring at my clasped hands that were resting on top of the table, contemplating if I wanted to tell Matt about it or not. With a shaky breath, I realized that Matt’s hand had covered mine.

“Liv? Are you alright?”

Removing my gaze from our hands, I looked up at Matt’s concerned face and there was that look again. His hazel eyes were narrowed on my face and I shivered involuntarily under that intense gaze of his. Every time Matt looked at me like that, I felt like he was looking through me, like he could see things about me that no one else could.

With a deep breath of resignation, I turned my hand over and wrapped my fingers around his hand. Matt immediately tightened his hold on my hand. “Come on, I want to show you something.”

Matt and I walked back through my house. I didn’t see any of the fine artwork that decorated the walls as we walked through the living room. My mind was focused on the not so distant past, flitting quickly from memory to memory like a hummingbird flies from flower to flower looking for nectar or pollen.

I led Matt through the backyard, past the pool to the shed he’d asked about a few minutes ago. I opened up the door and walked in before Matt breathing in the stale air that was a bit musty. I felt along the wall for the light switch and flipped it up bathing the small room in bright white light. Without a word, I uncovered the car and ran my fingers across the semi-rusted hood, watching as flecks of paint and rust fell to the floor.

“It’s not exactly a fun story,” I said quietly, my voice husky with emotion. “Do you know what kind of car this is?”

Matt looked confused about why I was asking him about the car in front of us and finally shook his head.

My mirthless smile only lifted up one corner of my mouth. “It’s a 1969 Dodge Coronet RT.”

Matt remained silent, his eyes shifted from my face to the car. When he looked back up at me, I could see the question in his eyes.

“It’s about as classic as you can get when talking about great American muscle cars. Sure, there are GTOs and Camaros, Mustangs and Chevelle SuperSports and they’re all great cars, but this car,” I said reverently as my hand affectionately patted the hood. “This car, to me, is the best American muscle car ever made.”

“Liv,” Matt said. “I had no idea you were into cars.”

I nodded. “It’s not something I tell everyone. The only people who know so far are my parents, Kara, Carver, and now, you, Matt.”

“So Tyler doesn’t know?”

I shook my head.

“After spending a miserable summer at a sleep away camp when I was seven, I told my parents that I never wanted to go back. The kids were mean and picked on me mercilessly. My bad time at camp put my parents in a difficult position the following year when I was eight. They were already committed to go on a trip somewhere, I forget where exactly, but they couldn’t get out of it. So my dad called his brother, my uncle Anthony, in Silver Springs, Nevada and asked him if he would mind looking after me for the next six weeks.

“Tony was someone who I’d only seen a couple of times a year during holidays or whatever. I didn’t really know the guy but I figured staying with him had to be better than enduring another summer at camp.”

“So what does that have to do with the car?” Matt asked.

“I’m getting there,” I chuckled. “Tony was a mechanic.”

I saw Matt’s face dawn with comprehension. “Oh.”

I nodded. “Yeah. My uncle had never been married and wasn’t used to being around young kids, much less a young girl. The first week we spent together was really awkward. He didn’t know what to do with me and we didn’t know how to talk to each other until I finally told him to just treat me like a boy.”

Matt laughed. “You’re kidding?”

“No, I’m not,” I shook my head with a small smile. “After that, things went much more smoothly between us. Tony would take me down to his shop and he and his friends would teach me everything they knew about cars, which was a lot. By the end of the summer, I was the only eight year old around that could knew how to change the oil in a car and how to change out a flat tire and put the spare on, no problem.”

“Wow,” Matt whispered softly, his eyes reflected his newfound admiration as he stared at me. “Can you still do that?”

“Yes,” I answered simply. “I went back every summer after that, and Tony and the guys would teach me more and more. As I got older, I actually worked on cars with them replacing belts, flushing out radiators, simple things like that. My uncle and I got really close during those summers. He would always talk to me about cars; he had a car related metaphor for just about everything. He also instilled a love for American muscle in me,” I said as I looked back at the car. “He was always talking about this car. How he would just love to find one and just drive out on the highway for miles and miles. To Tony, this car was the quintessence of freedom.

“Of course, if you’re lucky, you can find a seller, but these beautiful cars don’t go on the market often and when they do, you gotta pay through the nose for them. I heard of one selling for almost half a million dollars,” I said.

“Holy fuck,” Matt muttered. “That is a shitload of money.”

“A shitload,” I repeated. “When I was twelve, I put some feelers out to see if I could find anyone willing to sell their car to me. After six months with no luck, I hired some people to look in junkyards for this car thinking maybe through some miracle, I’d get lucky and find one.”

“You hired people?”

“I’m rich, Matt,” I said frankly. “I don’t mean to come off as a bitch, but it’s a fact: I’m wealthy. Well, my parents are and when they found out I was looking for this car for my uncle, they gave me the funds to pay for it.”

Matt looked away from me with a smile. “Sometimes, I honestly forget that you are. And I don’t think you’re a bitch, you’re way too caring and giving for anyone to think that about you,” he said with gruff affection.

I felt a blush rise up to my cheeks. “Well, anyway, two years later, one of the people I’d hired found this car in a junkyard in Ohio of all places. I told him to give the owner of the junkyard anything he asked for it. Within the hour I got a call back, the owner gladly parted with the car for a measly twenty-five grand.”

“Twenty-five thousand dollars,” Matt coughed. “That’s fucking ‘measly’?” He choked out.

“Better than paying half a million,” I reminded him. “I seriously felt on top of the world that day and I had a hard time staying away from the phone to call Tony and tell him about the car. He had no idea that I was looking for this car for over two years, I’d never told him. I wanted it to be a surprise. I wanted us to rebuild the car together that summer.”

“That’s a hell of a surprise,” he grinned.

I smiled. “Well, I hadn’t wanted to tell him just in case I couldn’t find the car. That would’ve sucked. But, I finally had the car and it was almost summer again. All I had to do was wait three weeks, just three little weeks. I was impatient as hell. I would spend most days here in the shed, just staring at this car and visualizing my uncle’s reaction when I would finally be able to give him the car.

“Two weeks had passed when my folks came home unexpectedly one day. They sat me down in their office in the house and told me that Tony died in a car accident the night before,” I had to stop talking as a lump of emotion lodged itself tightly in my throat. I felt my eyes well with hot tears and suddenly the little shed blurred in front of me. In the next instant, I felt Matt pull me into his arms and hug me tightly to him. Automatically, I reached out and wrapped my arms around Matt’s waist as the hurt of the losing Tony flooded through me like the first time all over again and the tears cascaded down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” Matt whispered into my hair. He gently rocked me against him as he whispered soothing words into my ear.

I’m not sure long we stayed holding each other like that, but after I finally calmed down and stopped crying, I pulled away from Matt and wiped my cheeks with the backs of my hands. “Sorry,” I said with a watery chuckle. “I didn’t know I was going to cry all over you like that,” I couldn’t quite look Matt in the eyes.

“Its fine, Liv,” Matt said quietly. “Was the accident his fault or—”

I shook my head. “No, it was just an accident. A truck driver hauling his load fell asleep at the wheel,” I shrugged. “He’s not exactly the devil, just a hard working man who made a mistake.”

“You seem like you’re dealing with this well,” he commented.

“Not in the beginning. I was angry at the world and everyone in it,” I admitted. “My parents made me see a therapist when my insomnia started up and you know how well that’s going.”

“You see a therapist?”

“Not anymore. She really couldn’t help me get over my insomnia.”

“I’m glad that you told me about your uncle and your secret hobby. I think it’s really cool that you’re into cars.”

My lips trembled as I smiled. “Thanks for listening.” I picked up the dust covered tarp and pulled it back over the car.

“Have you been working on cars since your uncle died?” Matt asked hesitantly as if he were afraid he would make me cry.

I shook my head with a soft sigh. “Sometimes I want to, I just can’t seem to make myself, you know?”

“Do you think you’ll ever be able to work on cars again?”

“Maybe. Time will tell, I guess. Let’s get out here,” I said as I walked toward the door. I shrugged my shoulders as we walked toward my house to get rid of the heaviness that had settled over me as I was talking to Matt about my uncle.

“Hey, Liv, you wanna watch a movie or something?” Matt asked when we got up to my room.

“That sounds good. Why don’t you pick one out while I go wash my face?”

“No problem,” Matt said as he browsed the DVDs on the shelf.

After I’d finished washing my face, I sat beside Matt on the couch in my room. He pressed play and the movie started. I wasn’t paying any attention to the movie and judging by the way Matt was constantly fidgeting, I didn’t think he was watching the movie either.

When the credits started to roll, Matt turned the DVD player off and we just sat there silently.

“Matt.”

“Yeah?”

“I hope you don’t think I’m being rude when I say this or anything, but maybe you should head home now. I mean, it’s been a long day and I kind of just want to be alone right now.”

Matt smiled sympathetically at me. “It’s cool, Liv, I get it.”

I smiled back at him. “I’m sorry, I know I could have said it better, I’m just not really thinking straight right now.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Matt laughed. “I understand why you need to be alone. I’ll see you tomorrow, all right?” He asked as he gathered his things together.

“I’ll see you out,” I said once he was done. I pulled on a light pink hoodie and followed Matt out of my room.

Matt pulled the front door opened and waved at me before stepping out.

“Matt, wait!” I yelled out as I hurried after him.

He turned back to face me. “Yeah?”

Without a word, I wrapped my arms around his middle and hugged him. “Thanks for everything you did for me this weekend. I would have been fine on my own, but I’m glad you were here.”

Matt’s arms enclosed around me and I was pressed firmly against his warm chest. “Anytime, Liv.”

I pulled away from him and leaned up to kiss him on the cheek. “See you tomorrow.”

Matt smiled widely at me. “Later,” he said as he walked through the gates toward his truck. With a final wave, he pulled away from the curb and drove out of sight.

I walked back inside my house and closed and locked the door behind me. Without Matt here, the house was eerily quiet. I wanted to call Matt and ask him to come back but figured he deserved some time to himself this weekend to do what he wanted to do.

“Besides, Carver will be here soon,” I told myself as I walked through the quiet house back up to my room. I grabbed my iPod off of my desk and listened to some music to pass the time.