Maybe Holding Hands Wasn't Such a Good Idea

When I woke up on Sunday morning, it took me a few long moments to realize where I was and who I was with. And as I gazed over my shoulder to see a sleeping Matt, I felt his arm tighten slightly around my waist and the events of last night came flooding into my memory and my eyes welled with tears. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down and realized that I was using Matt’s arm as a pillow. I slowly lifted my head and gently pushed his arm from under my head and turned over onto my back. As I moved, Matt shifted against me and his eyes opened and he cast me a confused glance.

“Morning,” he whispered. Sleep making his usually raspy voice even raspier.

I just nodded.

Matt sat up and stretched and only then did I realize that we spent the night on the beach in the bed of his truck in a sleeping bag and that I was wearing his jacket from last night. It took me a minute to remember that as I was crying into Matt’s jacket that he draped over me because I was getting cold as the wind picked up last night. And then Matt suggested we sit down in the back of his truck, I had stopped crying finally and we started star gazing. I only made idle conversation about constellations so I wouldn’t start crying again.

“I guess we fell asleep,” I said my voice was hoarse and quiet and I felt heat rise into my cheeks as I stated the obvious.

“Were you able to sleep?” Matt asked with a raised eyebrow in my direction.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Really?”

“I know, it’s kinda weird, isn’t it?” My smile was small and more a twitch of my lips that wasn’t an expression of mirth. “However, it has been known to happen. There are some nights where I can sleep the whole way through. Rare as they are, they still happen.”

“So,” Matt cleared his throat. “How are you, uh, you know, feeling?”

I looked away from him and stared down at the beach, watching the tide as it came up and dampened the sand before retreating again and then repeating the process. “Way worse than I must look right now,” I said I reached up to flatten my messy hair that had more wave than curl to it. And after all the crying I did last night, I was sure I had some dried black streaks down my face from my mascara and that my eyes were red and puffy from all the crying I did; they stung and felt really dry and hurt whenever I blinked. I brought my hand up to my face and scrubbed at my cheeks in a poor attempt to look more presentable.

“Come on,” Matt said gruffly. “I should probably take you home.”

“Can you just take me to your house, please?” I asked meeting his eyes for the first time. “I can’t remember if Carver’s working this morning and he’ll flip out if I come home and sees me in last night’s clothes.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Matt nodded and hopped out of the truck bed with ease. He lowered the truck’s door and put his hands on my waist as he helped me down. I felt a small shiver tingle down my spine as the warmth of Matt’s hands seeped through the thin silk of my dress. I put my champagne colored heels back on to distract myself from the sudden sensation and for an excuse to step away from Matt’s hands.

“Matt?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t understand what happened last night,” I said softly.

“About what?”

“How did Tiffany know I was dating Tyler? Why would she tell him that I was seeing you behind his back? Why wouldn’t she tell you that I was cheating on you with him?”

“Who knows what the fuck she was thinking,” Matt said a frown on his face. “It is weird though.”

“All I’m saying is, if I were her and I wanted you back, I’d show you pictures of me and Tyler together. Not show him pictures of me and you.”

Matt looked toward the beach with a thoughtful expression. “Maybe she knew the whole time,” he said finally. “Maybe she knew that you and I weren’t really dating and she really wanted to make you ‘regret it’.”

“Or, Tiffany didn’t know we weren’t really going out and she figured she’d expose me in front of both of you hoping that you’d both dump me. Then she’d be able to get you back and I would be alone.”

Matt shook his head. “Maybe. I don’t know. Trying to think like Tiffany to figure out her reasoning is giving me a headache. Let’s get going,” he said as he walked toward the passenger side door and opened it for me.

I climbed in and buckled my seatbelt while Matt got into the driver’s seat. “What does this mean for us?” I asked.

“Well you did get all catty and jealous when you told Tiffany to stay away from me,” Matt smirked.

I felt a small smile grace my lips and I was surprised that I was actually laughing despite everything that had happened just a short time ago. “I wasn’t being catty and I definitely was not jealous.”

Matt chuckled as he turned on his truck and it roared to life before quieting. He didn’t turn to look at me as he began talking quietly. “You chose me in front of half the school last night, Liv. I think we only have two options here.”

I sat silently waiting for Matt to continue.

“The first option is we ‘break up’ on Monday at school very publically. You can explain everything to Vaughn and get back together with him if that’s what you want. The second option is we don’t break up.”

Matt was giving me another out, I realized. But I didn’t know if what I wanted was a way out of this situation. I moistened my lips with my tongue as I contemplated my answer.

“Look, I know that I have absolutely no right to ask you for any more favors especially in the light of what happened last night, but I’m asking you as a friend, Liv, if you wouldn’t mind going on with this thing for a little bit longer?

“I’d completely understand if you tell me stuff it,” he said. “Believe me, I’d understand.”

“I think,” I said slowly, “that we should continue to go out for the time being.” My fingers were locked tightly in my lap as I said the words.

Matt was silent a moment. “You do realize that this means putting on a show for the whole school now and not just my friends and Tiffany, right?”

“I know.”

“Okay then,” Matt said as he started to drive. “I guess that’s settled then. Thanks, Liv. I know I keep saying thank you so much that the meaning’s worn out and that I’ll stop asking you for favors,” he reached over and unlocked my hands taking them in his.

I looked up at Matt and he was staring at me with a serious expression.

“I really owe you for this,” he said quietly as his hands tightened slightly over mine. “And I’m promising you right now that I’ll do everything I can to shield you from any backlash Tiffany’s actions caused last night.”

My smiled was small. “Thanks, Matt.” My mind drifted over to Tyler and my hand went up to the silver ‘T’ that I was still wearing around my neck. It felt like an albatross resting on my collarbone and for the first time since last night, I doubted my decision to choose Matt over Tyler.

“Your friends!” I shouted suddenly.

Matt cast me a wide eyed glance. “What about them?”

“They were there last night. They know about me and Tyler. What are you going to tell them when they ask you why you’re still with me?”

“The truth.” Matt rubbed his chin harshly and sighed. “And then they’re gonna laugh at me because I’m M. fucking Shadows and I’m supposed to be this big, tough bad ass, and I’m running from a little girl with my tail between my legs.”

“I’m sure it won’t be that bad,” I bit my lip to keep from grinning. “Besides, Tiffany really is someone you don’t want to come across in a dark alley.”

Matt leveled a glance at me that showed his cynicism. “Just wait, you’ll see.”

After I had showered and changed into some spare clothes that I kept at Kara’s, Kara was awake and buzzing with so much curiosity that I thought her head might pop off before she even got to ask me any questions, which I’d told her I’d answer after I cleaned myself up a bit.

“Can I ask now?” Kara asked as her leg bounced up and down quickly, her hazel eyes sparking with her want to know.

“Fire away,” I said dully as I towel dried my hair.

“So what happened after you and Matt left last night?”

“We ended up at the beach.”

Kara gave me an expectant look. “Am I gonna have to drag it out of you? Details, woman! I need details.”

I began what I’d hoped would be a condensed version of events from last night but Kara kept interrupting me with her questions and the conversation that I’d hoped—in vain—wouldn’t last more than five minutes was now reaching the thirty minute mark and my already hoarse voice was becoming nonexistent with all the talking I was doing.

By the time I’d finally finished speaking and answering Kara’s questions her eyebrows were raised so high I thought they’d become permanently attached to her hair line.

“Wow.” She said as she sank back against her pillows. “Looks like your sixteenth birthday turned out to be not so sweet after all.”

I nodded solemnly. “So did anything interesting happen after Matt and I left the dance?”

“Derek, the guy I was dancing with bailed on me and I hung out with Jimmy, Brian and Zacky. They wanted to know what was going on and they kept asking me a load of questions which I pretended I didn’t know the answers to. And then half an hour later Brian dropped me off.”

“Did you see Tyler at all?”

Kara shook her head with a small frown. “No. And I really am sorry that he ended things like that. It was completely shitty. I mean, I get why he was being a prick that part isn’t hard to understand, but still, it’s not like you and Matt were actually together or anything.”

I buried my face in Kara’s bedspread. “I’m such an idiot,” the bed muffled my voice.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, kid. You did what you thought was the right thing,” Kara said sympathetically.

“Yeah,” I said turning my head to look at her. “And now Tyler thinks I was cheating on him with his arch nemesis. If that was the right thing to do, why do I feel so bad about it?”

“Cause you were dumped in front of the entire school?” She suggested.

“Thanks, K,” I rolled my eyes at her. “Lovely reminder.”

“Just trying to be supportive,” Kara winked at me. “So what about Tiffany? Do you think she’ll leave you and Matt alone now that she exposed your ‘relationship’ to the school?”

I sat up and shrugged. “Who knows? But I would be surprised if she didn’t try to break up mine and Matt’s relationship in some way or another. She doesn’t seem the type to give up when the going gets tough.”

“So you do think she’ll try something?”

I nodded. “Unfortunately, with Tiffany, I’m sure it’s not a matter of if but when.”

“I gotta ask,” Kara said sitting up and crossing her legs on her bed. “Why didn’t you admit the truth to Tyler?”

I began twirling bits of my hair between my fingers as I considered Kara’s question. “I guess at the time I wasn’t really thinking straight. I don’t know, Kara.” I started to bite my bottom lip. “If I’d told Tyler the truth, that would’ve been playing straight into Tiffany’s plans. I didn’t plan on saying what I’d said last night; the words just kinda came out of my mouth.”

“Like word vomit?”

“Nice visual, K,” my nose wrinkled in distaste. “But yeah, pretty much. All I know for sure is that school is gonna suck tomorrow. I just know that Sandy Duncan is gonna be all over Tyler. Freaking vulture. You know she’s been waiting for Tyler to break up with me since the moment we started going out. Guess she finally gets what she wants.”

“Hey!” Kara smacked me with a pillow.

“What was that for?” I asked as I rubbed my head.

“Don’t sell Tyler short. For all you know he could ignore Ms. Trampy. Don’t start counting your eggs just yet, Olivia Masters.”

“Hey, K?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think the guys know about Matt and Tyler’s past?”

“I didn’t even know and I’m Matt’s sister,” Kara shrugged. “But then again, that could be the reason why I didn’t know in the first place. They might know. Yeah, they probably know.”

I considered Kara’s words and sighed.

“Come on,” Kara said quietly. “There’s some Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer and it has our names on it,” she smiled at me, trying to coax me out of her room with the frozen treat.

“What kind?” I tried to ask indifferently.

Kara smirked. “Chocolate fudge brownie. Come on we’ll go downstairs bunk down in the living room, eat ice cream until our stomachs hurt and watch all those chick flicks that end with happily ever afters and you’ll forget all about Tyler for the rest of the day, guaranteed.”

“Sounds good, I suppose,” I said slowly as I got to my feet.

“Doctor’s orders,” Kara nodded.

“Oh, so you’re a doctor now?” I asked.

Kara swept out her arm and bowed. “Dr. Kara at your service; healing best friends’ hearts with witty sarcasm, dirty jokes and ice cream since pre-k.”

I felt a small grateful smile on my face. “Thanks, Kara. For everything,” I said somberly.

Kara shrugged philosophically. “You’d do the same for me. Now, let’s go stuff our faces!”

I let out a small chuckle and followed Kara downstairs into the kitchen. She busied herself with finding bowls and spoons for our ice cream when the doorbell sounded.

“Can you get that?” She asked with her head in the freezer.

“Sure,” I said as I made my way over to the front door. I pulled the door open and froze awkwardly under the hostile gazes of three fuming guys. I wasn’t sure what they were so pissed about but the way they were looking at me with identically mutinous expressions made me instinctually nervous. “Hey,” my voice came out as a squeak that was a direct result of their angry glares as I stepped aside to let Brian, Jimmy and Zacky in.

They stalked past me without so much as a backward glance and trotted upstairs to Matt’s bedroom, I’m assuming.

I went back into the kitchen with a confused expression. “K, what’s up with the guys?” I asked. “They didn’t even acknowledge me just now.”

Loud mumbled curses and yells started overhead and Kara shot me a wide-eyed look.

“Oh, crap.” Kara said as she spooned out a hefty serving of ice cream into a bowl. “That’s who was at the door?”

I nodded. “What’s going on with them?” I asked as my eyes moved from the ceiling to Kara’s face.

“The guys think that you were cheating on Matt because of that stunt Tiffany pulled last night. I bet they didn’t expect to see you here at all, much less opening the door and letting them in.”

“They’re mad at me.”

Kara nodded and bit her lip. “They think you’re a fake bitch,” she said gently. “And that’s me putting what they said nicely.”

I flinched but nodded in resignation. “I get it. I would think the same if I wasn’t the one in this situation.”

“It’s that whole bros before hoes guy code thing,” Kara explained.

“I know,” I sighed. “Don’t worry about it. Matt is going to tell them the truth, which is probably why they’re all over here.”

A moment later the yelling stopped.

“I guess he just told them,” I muttered and cast a weary look up, trying to make out any voices or bits of the conversation.

“Come on,” Kara urged quietly as she handed me a bowl of ice cream. “Let’s just start watching some girlie movies.”

Just as the opening scene started during The Wedding Planner, Matt, Zacky, Brian and Jimmy entered the living room. The guys, with the exception of Matt, looked at me sheepishly.

Kara paused the movie and we stared up at the four guys.

Zacky cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck as he looked at me. “We’re sorry,” he spoke for all of them. “We didn’t know what was going on and well, we thought the worst.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I smiled reassuringly at the guys. “Believe me I understand. If I was in your shoes and thought someone was screwing Kara over,” I tilted my head toward her. “They wouldn’t exactly be on my good side either.”

“Yeah and then you’d take a contract out on them right?” Jimmy asked as he plopped down next to me on the couch and slung his arm around my shoulder tugging me close to his side.

My mouth slightly popped open. “What?”

“Well, seeing as how you live in a house that could easily be from a movie, I just figured that since you’re loaded you’d hire someone, completely on the down low, to take care of the situation.”

I turned to look at Matt who ran a hand down his face and shook his head.

“Liv’s folks are doctors. She’s not the daughter of some mob boss, you jackass,” Matt said as he sat down in the recliner.

“Yeah, I hear what you’re saying, Matt, doctors, right,” Jimmy winked. “I’m just sayin’ it’d be cool if she was the daughter of some mob boss.”

I giggled softly at the blue-eyed boy sitting next to me and cast Kara an amused look. She was staring at Jimmy with a smile on her lips.

“So what are you two up to?” Brian asked as he sat down next to Zacky on the other available sofa. “Besides discussing future hits and mob business, I mean.”

“Just hanging out eating ice cream and watching chick flicks designed to make us cry our eyes out and drool over the good looking men cast in them,” Kara said. “You all want to join us?”

“No thanks,” Zacky said popping up from his seat.

“Ditto,” Brian said.

“Yeah, I hate that kind of shit,” Matt stood up. “Jimmy, you coming, man?”

“Nah, I don’t mind watching chick flicks,” Jimmy said making himself more comfortable on the sofa and propping his long legs up on the coffee table. “Bring on the sappy romance.”

“Fag,” Brian coughed.

“From where I’m sitting, Brian,” Jimmy said smoothly, “you’re the one about to have a sausage fest while I consort with two girls.”

Matt and Zacky laughed as Brian stared indignantly at his friend at a loss for words. “Okay, we’ll be in the garage chilling then,” Matt said as he, Brian and Zacky left the living room.

“Later,” Jimmy called. “Press play,” he added to Kara.

Kara pressed play and The Wedding Planner resumed playing.

“Is this that Jennifer Lopez movie?” Jimmy asked after a moment.

“Yeah,” I answered him.

“Sweet. I like this one. Matthew McConaughey is a fucking dreamboat.”

Kara and I laughed at Jimmy’s statement before turning our attention back to the movie.

After a few more movies, with Jimmy’s hilarious commentary during the films, Carver picked me up from Kara’s and drove me home. While hanging out with Kara and Jimmy all afternoon, I’d managed to put all thoughts of Tyler and Tiffany into a corner of my mind but now without their company, there was nothing to distract me from reality.

On the way home I’d explained to Carver why I’d asked him not to mention Matt to Tyler yesterday like I’d promised I would. He found the story of Matt and Tyler being old friends turned enemies somewhat amusing and a story made for some badly written TV movie for teens.

“Do I have to go beat him up?” Carver asked seriously when I told him that Tyler and I were no longer together.

“No.”

“He didn’t try to force you do to anything you didn’t want to do? Did he?”

“No, Carver, nothing like that. I just really don’t want to talk about it right now, okay?”

Carver nodded once and cracked his knuckles menacingly. “Fine. But you say the word and his ass is toast.”

Carver and I didn’t speak again until we got to my house.

“Where are mom and dad?” I asked.

“At a charity dinner downtown.”

“I forgot about that,” I admitted as we walked into the kitchen.

“Did you want me to make you something for dinner or do you want to order out?” Carver asked as he removed two bottles of water from the fridge and handed one to me. “I could go for some Mexican.”

“Sounds fine to me,” I nodded. “Can you get me some fajita tacos? And make sure you ask for some of that green salsa.”

“No problem,” Carver nodded absently as he started rifling through the take out menu drawer in the kitchen. “Did you want to go with me to pick the food up?”

I shook my head. “I’m gonna grab a shower.”

“Okay, I’ll get to ordering. Liv?”

“Yeah.”

“I know that things really suck for you right now and I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but remember the night is darkest just before the dawn. So keep your head up, kid.”

“Thanks,” I hugged Carver quickly, then headed up to my room and quickly grabbed a change of clothes and entered the bathroom. I took off the necklace Tyler gave me and set it on the counter and just stared down at it for a few minutes. I felt tears prick in my eyes and blinked them determinedly back; I didn’t want to cry anymore, especially over a situation that I created for myself. I knew deep down in my gut that as much as I wanted to blame Tiffany for all my problems that ultimately, I was at fault and had no one else to blame other than myself for the way things ended with Tyler.

He didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve to be hurt by my actions.

Knowing I had to see him at school tomorrow made guilty knots form in my stomach. There had never been another time in my life where I wished I had a do over button as much I wished I had one now.

I looked at my glum expression in the mirror. “You’ve made your bed,” I told myself quietly a grim note in my voice. “And now you’re gonna have to lie in it.”

Monday at school was both what I had and had not expected it to be. As I thought, many people would steal glances at me and Matt holding hands as we walked down the hallways and started whispering conspiratorially with their friends. Much to my dismay, Sandy was hanging all over Tyler and he was allowing her to do so, I told Kara that was going to happen.

Sandy seemed overjoyed at the turn of events and her eyes sparkled with pure bitchyness. Tyler shot me and Matt dirty looks any time we happened to be in the same part of the school that day. Every time I saw Tyler, his necklace—that I planned on returning to him—weighed heavily in my pocket, reminding me of my guilt.

People who I thought were my friends looked at me with scorn in their eyes when I tried speaking to them. They kept their words terse and short and brushed me off as soon as they could without even attempting to veil their rudeness.

Despite Matt telling me repeatedly to ignore the shit happening around us, part of me was always aware of the whispers and the looks. Matt had walked me to all of my classes and straight up called people out when he caught them staring at us, me. Right before lunch, I’d stopped off at my locker and noticed that someone spray painted the word ‘slut’ on my locker door in large red letters. Last week, I would have been able to say without a doubt that it would have been Tiffany’s handiwork, but now, it could have been her, or Sandy, one of Sandy’s clones, anyone. Maybe even Tyler.

Seeing that word directed at me was incredibly disheartening and pissed Matt off. Matt told his secretary friends, Margie and Patty, about the incident and they said they’d get a janitor to take care of it as soon as possible.

At lunch, where Kara and I were hanging out with Matt and the guys, Matt did something that we hadn’t discussed and caught me completely off guard. He suddenly pulled me close to him and started kissing me. The kiss was slow at first but then Matt’s fingers lightly tapped along my side making me gasp and he took advantage of that and his tongue entered my mouth.

I could hear Kara, Zacky, Brian and Jimmy cracking jokes, laughing and making gagging noises at us—Kara was the one pretending to gag—but Matt didn’t let me pull away from him. After a few more breathless moments, he pulled away from me, rested his forehead against mine and stared straight into my eyes. I couldn’t tear my gaze away from him.

“What was that for?” I asked breathlessly.

“Sorry,” Matt said sheepishly. “I was just getting tired of all this bullshit,” he rolled his eyes and smiled slightly. “I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that you’re with me. And that if they start shit with you that they’ll have me to deal with.”

I felt a flutter of flattery at his words and lowered my eyes away from his before glancing back up at him. I pulled away from him as far as his arms around my waist would allow me and looked around the courtyard. Several people weren’t being shy or acting ashamed that I’d caught them staring at us knowing that they’d caught our kiss. “Thanks, I guess.”

“You know, if I didn’t know any better,” Jimmy stated gaining mine and Matt’s attention. “I’d believe you two were a legit couple. Hell, anyone who saw you two kissing like that would think so.”

I felt a blush rise to my cheeks and I buried my face in Matt’s chest trying to not feel embarrassed. Jimmy started laughing and my blush got hotter.

“Aww, she’s blushing,” Jimmy laughed again. “How adorable.”

“Leave her alone, Jim,” Matt chuckled as he tightened his arms around me.

When the bell rang, Matt walked me to class and planted another kiss on my lips before heading to his own class. I ignored the stares and whispers and just focused on class.

By the end of the day, I felt completely drained. I rode with Matt and he dropped Kara off before driving me home. I stayed sitting in the passenger seat for a few moments with my eyes closed.

“Hey,” Matt said.

I turned to look at him.

“We got through today. I know it was hard, but now it’s done. Tomorrow will be easier.”

“How can you be so sure about that?”

Matt shrugged with a smile. “One of us has to be.”

“You know what’s funny?” I asked rhetorically. “Nothing changed when I started going out with Tyler. I was still me only I was his girlfriend. My life never took the path of some teen movie. I didn’t get instantly popular overnight like Rachel Cook in She’s All That just because I started dating the captain of the football team. Most of Tyler’s friends, the guys, I mean, didn’t care about who he was with. But all of the girls at school, mostly the seniors and juniors instantly started hating me because I ruined their chances of getting Tyler. But now, after homecoming, everyone’s talking about me. I’ve become freaking infamous overnight,” my laugh was short and sarcastic. “How weird is that?”

“I’m sorry, Liv,” Matt said.

I shook my head. “I don’t even know why I said all of that.”

“Things will get better,” he said again.

“As long as Tyler doesn’t lose a game,” I corrected him.

“What?”

“If the football team starts losing games, it’s gonna be my fault for cheating on their star player. And if I thought today sucked,” I shook my head letting my sentence fall away. “Well, let’s just hope that doesn’t start happening.”

I grabbed my stuff and got out of Matt’s truck. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Matt nodded and waved. “Later, Liv.”

I walked up my drive slowly, my movements dragging as I felt the weight of the day sitting squarely on my shoulders. I let myself into my house and went upstairs to my room where I collapsed on my bed. The memory of the day flashing behind my closed eyes as I lay still on top of my bed. I thought it was weird that Tiffany hadn’t put in an appearance today but figured she was just waiting for the opportune moment to strike.

Well, I thought to myself, things couldn’t possibly get any worse.