Pretty Follies

“I don’t know!”

“Come on, just pick a direction!”

“I don’t know! I don’t know!”

“Come on, Alex. Pick one. You’ve been doing it the past three days, why are you hesitating now?”

“I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know!!” Lorraine had a grip around my neck and thighs squeezing and digging into my sides. Her pestering was echoing in my ear. My head was ringing in pain and frustration. My brain was fried, my body dead. Honestly, I had about given up. I couldn’t find the damn stream to save my life, I couldn’t find help to save both of our lives and all I wanted to do was lie down, close my eyes and wait for someone to find me.

I really didn’t even know why Lorraine and I were still walking. I knew she was scared of what might be there if we just sat, but how were we supposed to be found?

“Calm down, Gaskarth. Goodness fucks.” My teeth gritted at her comment. Did she realize how much weight she was adding to me and how much extra strength I had to exert to keep us both steady?

“No, Lorraine,” I said sternly, standing up and dropping her from my back. “Don’t tell me what to fucking do.”

She exhaled annoyed and crossed her arms. “Do you not want to find water? To find safety?”

“I don’t understand you,” I said quietly, avoiding her question. I was surprised at myself for saying that. I did know Lorraine and understand her. But for once, I was confused with her. But why? She wasn’t acting any different. She was still spiteful and deriding towards me, infuriated with simply my presence. Was it…me?

“What?” she asked in a bored tone.

“I said, I don’t understand you.”

“What the hell does that mean?” she asked, looking at me expectantly and a little impatient.

I tried to avoid her eye contact. Honestly, I didn’t know. I didn’t know why I was so confused with her, upset that she was acting so bipolar. “I-I…just never mind. I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“Okay…” she dragged out, acting like she didn’t understand but I knew she realized something was really bothering me. “Can we talk about that later? I just want to get out of here.”

“I just want to sleep.”

“I know. We can’t.”

I seriously could cry out in frustration. “I’m so fucking tired, Laney!” It came out as a whine, like I was about to have a mental break down. I probably was about to.

“I’m not stupid. I know. But we need to get out of here, Alex. I know you hate that you have to carry me. I know you hate that you’re stuck with me. I know you hate me! But let’s at least get out of here together, alive, okay? And then we can go back to hating each other!”

“Lorraine…”

“What,” she said bitterly, eyes focused on the ground in aggravation.

I looked at her surprised at what she had said. Did she really think that I hated her? “I…I don’t hate you.” Cocking her head to the side, she stared at me surprised. My tone had been sincere and I wasn’t making a joke. “Y-You…You think I hate you?”

“Well…I just thought we…”

“Wait. Do you hate me?”

She looked at me and I knew she was thinking. Thinking back to all the arguments we had, pranks we had pulled, nasty words thrown at each other, the family vacations, summer daycare, sibling rivalry. We had gone through so, so much together. Whether we were smiling or glaring, it had been an adventure. She stood in silence for a little while before speaking up. “Um…well…no.”

She sounded surprised at her answer, never expecting that she would come to that realization.

“N-No. I…I don’t hate you, Alex.” I nodded before avoiding eye contact with her smothering brown eyes.

“We’ve been through a lot and, I guess, through all the atrocious levitity we have pulled on each other, I never thought to conjecture about anything other than how to defend myself from insolence. O-Or…dwell on the fact that…I do care about you.

“I mean, I’ve known you my entire life. And no matter how annoyed I get, you’re always there. Always. So, to say that I hate you is completely apocryphal and…” she stuttered over her words, something she never did. I’m sure it was weird to talk about; we never were serious, truthful and compassionate to each other. “…I could never, ever, hate you.”

I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know how to say anything more. Instead I softened my eyes. And I knew that I could have expanded on it, gotten sappier, but with two simple words, I knew Lorraine would understand what I was feeling. “Me too,” I said softly, barely audible.

She stretched her pink lips slowly into a small smile. I didn’t know what to do now. This was so unnatural for us. We didn’t share things like this with each other; we were too busy showing our disgust for each other. We were lost in it, oblivious to what actually was happening to the other, when the other got over her fear of eating seeded foods, when the other couldn’t come to terms with the crush he was developing for her.

I would have never thought that I would exchange this moment with her. I would have never thought that I would have come to all these realizations about her, about us, about me.

I admired the way the formation of her lips lightened the mood, made me feel a little happier and awkwardly, I held out my arms. A little hesitant, I wrapped them around her shoulders.

It took a couple seconds for her to react, probably contemplating on what to do. But finally she let her body relax and her hands found a way to loop around my waist in hug. It was the weirdest feeling, to touch her when I wasn’t picking on her or carrying her around. There was something about the moment; it put a tiny butterfly in my stomach and a smile on my face. It was kind of heartwarming, in the least of ways.

Even more awkwardly, we broke part and I sat down, Lorraine following my action. We sat in silence, each of us not knowing what the appropriate thing to say would be. I watched Lorraine’s healthy ankle, skinny enough it could break at the touch and look just as nasty as her injured one. She moved her foot around in the dirt, drawing squiggles and trying to avoid further discomfort.

“Jackass.”

I looked at her and Lorraine was smiling at me, jokingly. I chuckled a little, filling the silence. Slowly, Lorraine let her head fall to my shoulder, and we fell asleep, our stomachs starving, bodies aching and absolutely miserable.