Pretty Follies

Our bickering got us no where. We both realized it. It just took the better person to put an end to it and think logically but that was a very difficult task for Lorraine and me; we both needed the last word in everything.

“Alright, alright,” Lorraine said, trying to be calm. She tucked her hair behind her ears and swallowed. “Your phone doesn’t get signal…let’s just…let’s just walk into the woods. Maybe someone will be camping in the area and be able to assist us.”

I looked across the skinny road to the giant forest. It was the same woodland that our families were camping in, just miles and miles and miles away. I remembered the twisted trees and hilly terrain from yesterday, collecting brush with my dad. “I’m pretty sure when you’re lost, you don’t try and get more lost. If we go in there, we’re sure to die.”

Lorraine rolled her brown eyes, which had increased in size since the car broke down. “Okay, first, don’t exaggerate. And second, we’re just going a little ways in to see if anyone is camping. If we don’t see anyone, we’re coming back out.”

She looked at me like I was the most stupid person on the planet, which I’m sure she thought I was, but it wasn’t like her plan was very logical.

I looked at the trees and brush along the road and contemplated. I then looked back at Lorraine and her face looked impatient and worried as I made my decision. “It’s dangerous…but, it’s worth a shot,” I said quietly.

I silently trailed a couple feet behind Lorraine as she walked boldly into the woods. As the trees thickened with depth, I could hear her muttering a few reasoning or encouraging words to herself quietly every so often, but mostly we stayed quiet. I didn’t object to the insult-less journey. I knew we should have stayed on the road instead of wandering around; you’re supposed to stay in one spot. But honestly, walking in silence was better than sitting in the car, bickering with the bitch. After about twenty minutes of walking though, I was getting fed up. Every new tree we past looked like the last one and every bush looked the same. We weren’t getting anywhere.

“Great idea, Einstein. Look at all these people that are camped out, lined up and waiting to help us!”

“Shut up, Alex.” She didn’t even turn her head when she snapped back at me. She just continued forward, me trailing behind.

“Oo, nice comeback. I think I had more respect for you when you called me a malediction lout.” I knew she was rolling her eyes at the comment I had just said and I could tell she was getting tired of the war between us. “Wow, Laney doesn’t have anything to say back? It’s a miracle!”

“It’s not a miracle, Alex. I, Lorraine, didn’t say anything back. It’s because I’m tired of fighting with a douche bag.”

I smirked, hearing her voice shoot back. “Ah, there she is.”

“You’re such a smartass,” she said as we continued to trek deeper into the trees.

“You know, I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“You would take that as a compliment. F.Y.I., being a smartass isn’t attractive. You look like an inscrutable dolt.” I watched her step through a bush and saw the branches scratch at the back of her calves. I tried swatting the bugs that were flying in my face.

“When did being inscrutable become a bad thing? Maybe I’m just complex.”

“Not in the way I was using it,” she laughed. “And you’re not complex.”

Her last words made me pause. “What makes you think I’m not complex?” I asked, jogging to catch up with her. From beside her, I stared her down, waiting for an answer.

She swatted a bug that landed in her leg and continued to walk, stepping over stumps and rocks and pushing branches out of the way. “Please,” she said without looking at me. “You are the opposite of complex. You’re a homogeneous boy: cruel, peremptory, and uncivil.

“I’m only uncivil around you. I am actually quite the tantalizing fellow.”

“I wouldn’t consider tantalizing a good thing. You’re mannerless.” I was about to retort something back but Lorraine stopped dead in her tracks and I ran into her with my shoulder. Her tiny head looked around confused, then up at the towering trees, which had grown in height and width the deeper we trekked. “We should turn back. We are getting no where.”

I didn’t object, so I swiveled 180 degrees and looked back at the nonexistent trail we had walked on. We had journeyed for a good twenty minutes, probably more. We were lost in bickering that I didn’t pay attention to where we were going.

“Shiiiit,” I dragged out quietly.

“I’m going out on a limb here—”

“That’s a first.”

“—and saying that we don’t know how to get back?”

“What, you didn’t bring your compass?” I said sarcastically.

I could see the anger boiling in Lorraine’s blood. She wanted to fume. I knew how to hit every nerve of Loraine’s and Loraine knew how to push all of mine, but right now, I was winning. I could tell she wanted to smack me for being so insolent. But it wasn’t like I was completely sold on the idea of wandering in the woods in the first place. And frankly, I was surprised Lorraine was stupid enough to wander around an endless forest; she was smarter than that.

I knew if I brought it up, by the look on her face, I would get a beating and maybe never make it out of here alive so I kept my mouth shut. But that didn’t stop her from being livid with me.

“Ow, bitch!” I yelled, hopping up and down on one leg, caressing the knee that buckled under me and had smacked something hard. I looked at her appalled; she just kicked the back of my knee for no goddamn good reason.

“What about you, huh? You’re the man. Aren’t you supposed to have a sense of direction?” she crossed her arms over her chest and stared at me intently.

“We’re able to find north, south, east and west. Not navigate through a thousand trees and hills that look the same.”

“I thought you said you were inscrutable? I think an inscrutable person would have enough depth in their brain to know.”

“Not the way you were using it,” I mocked, making my voice raise two octaves to imitate how she spoke earlier.

“Alright,” she said slowly. “We were headed east while we were driving back to camp…we got out of the car and started walking perpendicular…” she muttered, walking out the movements she was describing as she talked. I watched her talk to herself like an idiot, from the side. “Never eat soggy wheaties…that means we went north…so we need to go south. South. That should get us in the general direction. Which way is south, smartass?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I had no idea.

“Umm…this way,” I mumbled, pointing slightly to the right of us.

“Alright then, let’s go.”