It's Not Over Until This Part Of Me Is Dead and In The Ground.

Frank’s POV

Gerard would be round soon. He’d see the bandages on my arms and instantly realise what I’d done to myself. The knock at the door disturbed the silence which hung around the house. I looked around nervously for my long sleeved Black Flag hoodie. I found it creased on the floor and pulled it over my head as I rushed out of my bedroom, down the stairs and towards the front door.

I opened the door slowly. Gerard had each of his hands placed on either side of the door with his head slightly down, his eyes staring at the floor beneath him. “Hey,” I said loudly. Gerard lifted his head and smiled at me. It was the first time he’d ever properly smiled at me. My heart fluttered. I smiled back, “Do you want to come in?” Gerard nodded, and then made a zipping gesture near his mouth reminding me to keep my voice quiet seeing as it was 3:00am.

I shut the door and leaned against it as I watched Gerard awkwardly stand in silence, the small smile still visible on his perfect mouth. “So...” he said, shifting his weight a little and looking around at the photographs which covered the walls. “What now?” I shrugged my shoulders. He frowned a little before starting again. “I mean, what do you want to happen now?” I shrugged again and he sighed loudly before marching off into the kitchen. I stayed leaning against the door. “Where’s your coffee?” I heard him call.

“In the cupboard above the sink.” I leant to the left and watched him stretch to reach for the coffee. My mom kept it high up so I couldn’t reach it. Coffee and I didn’t mix well... and let’s say I did ‘odd’ things when I drank it; like trying to set fire to our cat, running out the door in just my boxers and once I even tried to get into the washing machine. Yeah, I guess I did do ‘odd’ things.

As I watched him make his coffee I began thinking about all the shit he’d put me through and although I thought he was beautiful and wonderful, how could I be sure that he wouldn’t one day just flip out and turn on me like old times? I couldn’t trust him. I just wanted to work on getting through high school, I needed to keep my A+ grade average, I needed to work everything out with Mikey and I needed to keep clean, sober and stay out of fights which could get me chucked into a cold, stone cell like my dad. Plus, almost all of his friends hated me, which meant at school he’d act like he didn’t even know me, and all of those jerks would beat me up and call me the same old offensive names. He’d never risk his empowering position in the school’s social ladder. It would be better if he just thought I didn’t love him anymore then he’d back off a little and we could build up the relationship as friends. I knew it would kill me, but I had to try.

Gerard walked back to where I was. I didn’t actually know why I’d just stayed there, leaning against the door. Maybe I was still shocked that he’d remembered? And even though Gerard was stood in front of me drinking his freshly made coffee, looking all cute and dishevelled, like you do when you’ve just woken up from a deep sleep, it all felt so dangerous and wrong. “I-I...” I stuttered trying to think of the right words to say without hurting his feelings, or worse, getting hurt myself. “Gerard, I-I’m not sure if I love you. I think I just said it because I didn’t want you to leave... but I know that I like you, and I like kissing you... please don’t be mad.” I lowered my gaze so that I didn’t have to look at his face. “And I don’t think you love me either, really, you were very drunk. I-I don’t think you meant it.”

I heard him put his coffee mug down on the small table behind him and then heard him walking towards me. I shut my eyes waiting for one of his notorious slaps, but it never came. All I felt were his warm arms around my small frame as he pulled me away from the door and into his firm chest. “If you don’t want to rush things then we don’t have to.” He said, his tone didn’t really seem to have any hint of emotion and that’s when I knew he was annoyed.

“You’re upset.” I said looking deep into his eyes. He shook his head.

“I’m not upset, but you’re wrong... I do love you. But, as long as you like me, and like kissing me then I’ll deal with it.” He paused for a moment, as if he were collecting his thoughts and feelings before carrying on, “Maybe we did rush into things. I’m mean, a few weeks ago I’d have beat the shit out of you for even looking at me and now we’re here in your hallway talking about how we feel romantically about each other. It does seem quite... weird.” I nodded in agreement.

We stayed locked in each other’s arms for a while until Gerard cleared his throat and broke the tension. “I think I should get going.” I looked up into his eyes silently pleading for him to stay. “Unless you want me to stay?” I smiled.

“It’s four in the morning. We have school tomorrow. You might as well go, but I wish you could stay.” Gerard lifted his hands to my face and planted a sweet, almost innocent kiss on my lips before leaving out the front door, walking home in the dark and bitter cold back to his own house. I watched him until I couldn’t see him anymore, then I closed the door and ran up the stairs tears welling in my eyes as I thought about everything he’d said. He really loved me?