Everything I Used to be is Coming Back to Torture Me
Homecoming
Clover stared raptly out the window, drinking in the sunshine filtering through the glass onto her face. Fields and trees and farmhouses streaked past her line of sight. They were still ten miles outside of Huntington Beach, but still Clover sat glued to the window, waiting for the familiar scenery to begin to sprout up along the side of the road. The tour had been the longest stint that Clover had ever been away from Huntington Beach since she moved in with Patricia and Stephen.
But along with the joy came immense worry. Brian had promised to keep her drug addiction a secret from the others, but only until they returned home. Now that they had returned home, Clover couldn’t help but begin to worry how they all might react. Would they ostracize her? Would they just try to get her some help? Clover had no way of knowing. She hadn’t known any of them long enough to get a feel for how they reacted to different situations.
Once they passed the sign welcoming them to Huntington Beach, Brian joined Clover at the window. She scooted over to make room, never letting her eyes wander from the houses sprouting up alongside the road.
“Does it ever fade?” Clover asked, propping her chin on her clenched fists and resting her elbows on the edge of the window.
“What?” Brian answered. He glanced at her face. She hadn’t been doing the drugs long enough for her to get that haggard, dead, tired look that all druggies eventually earned from their addiction. Brian could tell she’d lost some weight, however; her jeans barely fit anymore, and she resorted to a belt to keep them on right. Her shirts hung from her torso, and if they didn’t, they showed the ribs slowly becoming visible through the skin. Her face looked slightly gaunt, but it looked as though it could’ve been caused from stress.
“The happiness and relief of returning home,” Clover elaborated. “Seeing familiar scenery for once, realizing that there isn’t going to be that uncertainty that always comes with traveling to new places.”
“Not really,” Brian said. “It’s one of the few things you never fully adjust to no matter how many tours you go on.”
The warehouse came into view. Clover moved from the window to grab her baggage. Everyone got their stuff together as the bus pulled into the warehouse, and Matt was the first to step off once the bus came to a complete stop.
Clover stepped out last, setting her baggage on the cement floor of the warehouse and watching with a smile on her face as Michelle sprinted across the warehouse and launched herself into Brian’s arms. Clover estimated that Michelle had jumped from at least ten feet away from her husband, connecting squarely with his chest and wrapping both arms and legs around him. The two of them disentangled after several moments of heavy making out (Clover took the time to make sure she had all of her baggage, preferring to not watch the two of them trade DNA) and then Michelle hurried over to Clover, embracing her in a firm hug. She pressed a kiss to Clover’s forehead before pulling away and smiling at her.
“Welcome back, sweetie!” Michelle exclaimed. “It’s been an empty house without the two of you!”
At that time, the group all merged together, exchanging hugs and welcoming each other back. Clover mainly stood back unless approached directly; she didn’t really know the other Avenged ladies and they were the ones doing all the greetings and hugging and saying “Welcome back”.
The group began to split, each guy heading to their own homes with their own significant other. Clover stood back, wondering exactly where she would go. She could probably hole up in a hotel for a few days until she found an apartment to stay in.
“Now don’t you stand there looking so forlorn!” Michelle said, wrapping her arm around Clover’s shoulders and leading her towards the Escalade sitting outside the warehouse. Brian followed behind, carrying the baggage. “You’re coming home with us so you can have a decent meal. Lord knows you need it. That tour must’ve done a number on your appetite, you look like you’ve lost some weight.”
“I guess I didn’t notice,” Clover answered, looking down at the shirt that had once fit her snugly but now billowed and shifted in the wind. Behind them, Brian frowned but neither noticed.
“I also found a few apartments that you might like that are within your price range and don’t look too shabby,” Michelle continued. “But don’t feel like I’m pushing you out the door; you know you’re welcome to stay as long as you need.”
“Thanks, but I’d like to get out on my own as soon as possible,” Clover answered.
“Don’t we all?” Michelle agreed, letting go of Clover so they could climb into the Escalade.
@!@!@
“This one’s a nice price and it’s not too shabby but it’s near a bad neighborhood,” Michelle said, pointing at one of the newspaper clippings she’d cut out for Clover to look at. “I swear there’s a shooting near there once a week. I don’t know if that worries you or not, but I’m just letting you know all the facts.”
“I really rather not get shot,” Clover agreed, putting the clipping along with the other apartments she’d turned down. The two of them sat at the kitchen table after they’d eaten a delicious lunch. Brian was in the living room last Clover knew, watching some sports channel.
“So that leaves us with these two,” Michelle said, straightening the two clippings left on the table. “I’ll take you to check them out tomorrow if you want.”
“Yeah, that’d be great,” Clover answered.
Brian walked in from the living room, taking a seat at the kitchen table as well. He took a glance at the newspaper clippings before looking up at Clover. Clover knew what the questioning look in his brown eyes meant, and she simply nodded.
“Michelle?” Brian asked, looking from Clover to his wife.
“Yeah, babe?” Michelle answered, taking the extra clippings off the table and throwing them in the trash.
“Clover’s addicted to cocaine,” Brian said candidly.
Michelle froze halfway back to the table. Her mouth dropped open and she looked from Brian to Clover, and when Clover didn’t contradict him, Michelle made an odd noise in the back of her throat. It sounded partway between a gag and a gasp. As Michelle made her way slowly back to the kitchen table, Brian told her everything: his suspicions about Clover’s drinking habits and the confirmation of those suspicions, following Clover to the drug deal in Evansville, finding Clover in the closet in Iowa.
As he recounted these events to Michelle, Clover sat carefully gauging her reaction. She braced herself for the rejection, for the disappointment and anger. Michelle never showed any signs of any of those emotions, however. She simply sat and listened raptly to Brian.
Hearing Brian tell his perspective of Clover’s actions made her realize just how worried he’d been after learning of her addiction. She hadn’t even realized her rapid progression from alcohol to marijuana to cocaine, each one exponentially worse than the previous. She’d just done it, hadn’t thought of anyone but herself. Clover had justified it by telling herself that it was so she could forget; she thought she could stop at any time. But hearing it from another person, Clover saw that she couldn’t stop at the drop of a dime like she thought. She had promised to quit the alcohol, and she kind of had, but she’d only moved on to something worse. And from there, something even worse. For the first time, the weight of Clover’s decisions dropped right on top of her chest and settled there.
Michelle was silent when Brian finished. She looked thoughtfully at him before switching her gaze to Clover. Clover stared back, watching Michelle’s eyes move over her face, no doubt checking for signs of the addiction that Michelle had just learned of. Michelle slowly rose to her feet and Clover looked down at her hands. No doubt she was going to grab Clover and kick her out the door, or maybe go upstairs and throw Clover’s stuff out the window and tell her that once she cleaned her shit up, she could leave. Clover’s throat began to burn with tears.
Clover flinched when she felt arms wrap around her, but they weren’t hard, angry arms gripping tightly. Rather, they were soft and gentle, enveloping Clover in a hug. With relief trickling through her system, Clover coiled her arms back around Michelle, pressing her face into Michelle’s shoulder and feeling that she might actually start crying.
“Oh, dear, everything’s going to be okay,” Michelle said soothingly. “We’ll help you. You’re never alone, Clover. You never have to be alone.”
But along with the joy came immense worry. Brian had promised to keep her drug addiction a secret from the others, but only until they returned home. Now that they had returned home, Clover couldn’t help but begin to worry how they all might react. Would they ostracize her? Would they just try to get her some help? Clover had no way of knowing. She hadn’t known any of them long enough to get a feel for how they reacted to different situations.
Once they passed the sign welcoming them to Huntington Beach, Brian joined Clover at the window. She scooted over to make room, never letting her eyes wander from the houses sprouting up alongside the road.
“Does it ever fade?” Clover asked, propping her chin on her clenched fists and resting her elbows on the edge of the window.
“What?” Brian answered. He glanced at her face. She hadn’t been doing the drugs long enough for her to get that haggard, dead, tired look that all druggies eventually earned from their addiction. Brian could tell she’d lost some weight, however; her jeans barely fit anymore, and she resorted to a belt to keep them on right. Her shirts hung from her torso, and if they didn’t, they showed the ribs slowly becoming visible through the skin. Her face looked slightly gaunt, but it looked as though it could’ve been caused from stress.
“The happiness and relief of returning home,” Clover elaborated. “Seeing familiar scenery for once, realizing that there isn’t going to be that uncertainty that always comes with traveling to new places.”
“Not really,” Brian said. “It’s one of the few things you never fully adjust to no matter how many tours you go on.”
The warehouse came into view. Clover moved from the window to grab her baggage. Everyone got their stuff together as the bus pulled into the warehouse, and Matt was the first to step off once the bus came to a complete stop.
Clover stepped out last, setting her baggage on the cement floor of the warehouse and watching with a smile on her face as Michelle sprinted across the warehouse and launched herself into Brian’s arms. Clover estimated that Michelle had jumped from at least ten feet away from her husband, connecting squarely with his chest and wrapping both arms and legs around him. The two of them disentangled after several moments of heavy making out (Clover took the time to make sure she had all of her baggage, preferring to not watch the two of them trade DNA) and then Michelle hurried over to Clover, embracing her in a firm hug. She pressed a kiss to Clover’s forehead before pulling away and smiling at her.
“Welcome back, sweetie!” Michelle exclaimed. “It’s been an empty house without the two of you!”
At that time, the group all merged together, exchanging hugs and welcoming each other back. Clover mainly stood back unless approached directly; she didn’t really know the other Avenged ladies and they were the ones doing all the greetings and hugging and saying “Welcome back”.
The group began to split, each guy heading to their own homes with their own significant other. Clover stood back, wondering exactly where she would go. She could probably hole up in a hotel for a few days until she found an apartment to stay in.
“Now don’t you stand there looking so forlorn!” Michelle said, wrapping her arm around Clover’s shoulders and leading her towards the Escalade sitting outside the warehouse. Brian followed behind, carrying the baggage. “You’re coming home with us so you can have a decent meal. Lord knows you need it. That tour must’ve done a number on your appetite, you look like you’ve lost some weight.”
“I guess I didn’t notice,” Clover answered, looking down at the shirt that had once fit her snugly but now billowed and shifted in the wind. Behind them, Brian frowned but neither noticed.
“I also found a few apartments that you might like that are within your price range and don’t look too shabby,” Michelle continued. “But don’t feel like I’m pushing you out the door; you know you’re welcome to stay as long as you need.”
“Thanks, but I’d like to get out on my own as soon as possible,” Clover answered.
“Don’t we all?” Michelle agreed, letting go of Clover so they could climb into the Escalade.
@!@!@
“This one’s a nice price and it’s not too shabby but it’s near a bad neighborhood,” Michelle said, pointing at one of the newspaper clippings she’d cut out for Clover to look at. “I swear there’s a shooting near there once a week. I don’t know if that worries you or not, but I’m just letting you know all the facts.”
“I really rather not get shot,” Clover agreed, putting the clipping along with the other apartments she’d turned down. The two of them sat at the kitchen table after they’d eaten a delicious lunch. Brian was in the living room last Clover knew, watching some sports channel.
“So that leaves us with these two,” Michelle said, straightening the two clippings left on the table. “I’ll take you to check them out tomorrow if you want.”
“Yeah, that’d be great,” Clover answered.
Brian walked in from the living room, taking a seat at the kitchen table as well. He took a glance at the newspaper clippings before looking up at Clover. Clover knew what the questioning look in his brown eyes meant, and she simply nodded.
“Michelle?” Brian asked, looking from Clover to his wife.
“Yeah, babe?” Michelle answered, taking the extra clippings off the table and throwing them in the trash.
“Clover’s addicted to cocaine,” Brian said candidly.
Michelle froze halfway back to the table. Her mouth dropped open and she looked from Brian to Clover, and when Clover didn’t contradict him, Michelle made an odd noise in the back of her throat. It sounded partway between a gag and a gasp. As Michelle made her way slowly back to the kitchen table, Brian told her everything: his suspicions about Clover’s drinking habits and the confirmation of those suspicions, following Clover to the drug deal in Evansville, finding Clover in the closet in Iowa.
As he recounted these events to Michelle, Clover sat carefully gauging her reaction. She braced herself for the rejection, for the disappointment and anger. Michelle never showed any signs of any of those emotions, however. She simply sat and listened raptly to Brian.
Hearing Brian tell his perspective of Clover’s actions made her realize just how worried he’d been after learning of her addiction. She hadn’t even realized her rapid progression from alcohol to marijuana to cocaine, each one exponentially worse than the previous. She’d just done it, hadn’t thought of anyone but herself. Clover had justified it by telling herself that it was so she could forget; she thought she could stop at any time. But hearing it from another person, Clover saw that she couldn’t stop at the drop of a dime like she thought. She had promised to quit the alcohol, and she kind of had, but she’d only moved on to something worse. And from there, something even worse. For the first time, the weight of Clover’s decisions dropped right on top of her chest and settled there.
Michelle was silent when Brian finished. She looked thoughtfully at him before switching her gaze to Clover. Clover stared back, watching Michelle’s eyes move over her face, no doubt checking for signs of the addiction that Michelle had just learned of. Michelle slowly rose to her feet and Clover looked down at her hands. No doubt she was going to grab Clover and kick her out the door, or maybe go upstairs and throw Clover’s stuff out the window and tell her that once she cleaned her shit up, she could leave. Clover’s throat began to burn with tears.
Clover flinched when she felt arms wrap around her, but they weren’t hard, angry arms gripping tightly. Rather, they were soft and gentle, enveloping Clover in a hug. With relief trickling through her system, Clover coiled her arms back around Michelle, pressing her face into Michelle’s shoulder and feeling that she might actually start crying.
“Oh, dear, everything’s going to be okay,” Michelle said soothingly. “We’ll help you. You’re never alone, Clover. You never have to be alone.”
♠ ♠ ♠
I am so sorry for the tremendously ludicrous wait I made you guys go through for this chapter! I know apologies aren't helping, but I thought I'd throw that out there to let you guys know I am terribly sorry.