Everything I Used to be is Coming Back to Torture Me

Clover stared out at the passing scenery, her hands restless in her lap. She felt like she hadn’t been home in many years, even though in reality it was only about four or five months. The band had only been in Huntington Beach again for two weeks when the fragile wooden beam of the life Clover stood on fractured and broke catastrophically underneath her. But really all that mattered, Clover liked to think, was that she was back again, sober as could be, and ready to take on the world again.

“Call me when you get out of here,” Clover said, taking the piece of paper Sammie handed her and tucking it into her pocket. The paper had Sammie’s phone number written on it; Clover herself had just handed Sammie one just like it, only with Clover’s number on it.

“I will,” Sammie answered. The two of them hugged and Clover turned to leave. “Good luck, you know. Good luck with the band and staying sober and just life in general I guess.”

Clover turned back with a small smile. “Good luck to you too, Sammie. Good luck in all things.”

Then, Clover walked out of the center for the last time, climbing into the powder blue van sitting out on the driveway. She saw Sammie waving from one of the windows and waved back until the van turned onto the road and the center was whisked out of view.

The goodbye had been hard for both of them. But the thought of speaking to each other again, when Sammie came out of the center clean as a whistle, kept Clover from feeling too depressed about it. It wasn’t going to be the final goodbye, and there was some comfort in that.

The van stopped outside the front of the hospital where Clover had been taken to recuperate after her overdose. She slid open the side door and climbed out. As she pushed the door closed again, a breeze blew across her face, bringing with it that salty ocean smell. Clover hadn’t really ever defined a place as “home” but she felt that now, Huntington Beach with all her friends and her great job and her nice little modest apartment was the closest thing to “home” she’d ever had.

Brian and Michelle had told Clover that they couldn’t park in the front of the hospital; they’d be waiting for her in the parking lot on the side. Clover walked towards it. She felt free without someone telling her the boundaries, where she could and could not go, what she could and could not do. Clover was an independent soul who didn’t like people telling her how to live her life; it didn’t make her mad at the center only because she knew that she needed help. Her own independent decisions had put her there, and she needed someone else to tell her not to do the drugs and alcohol and force her not to do the drugs and alcohol.

Clover recognized Brian’s Escalade and started towards it. After a few steps, Brian and Michelle stepped around the side of it. Across the parking lot, Clover’s eyes met Brian’s; almost by teleportation it seemed, Michelle and Brian were at Clover’s side, each of them pulling her into a tight hug at once. She hugged them tightly back. Once they all let go of each other, Brian and Michelle ushered her into the Escalade. They were all going to Tuna Town, where everyone else was meeting up to celebrate Clover’s second homecoming.

“Everyone is very eager to see you again after all this time,” Michelle said, twisting in her seat to look back at Clover. “You haven’t been in the family very long, but you’ve sure made an impact on us nonetheless.”

They made small talk, mostly just Clover telling them about saying goodbye to Sammie and the uneventful ride back to the hospital. Then, Brian pulled into the Tuna Town parking lot and the three of them climbed out. Brian led the way inside, with Clover between him and Michelle. They weaved their way through the restaurant into one of the large private party rooms in the back.

Clover hardly had time to absorb the room once she walked in. The others were seated at the large oval table. In the back of the room hung a banner proclaiming, “Welcome home, Clover!” Every face turned towards her almost simultaneously. Everyone broke out in huge smiles and then Clover was being mobbed, her hair tousled, her entire body yanked into hugs, hands patting her back, someone was kissing her forehead and then someone else was kissing her cheek, and she was pretty certain someone had managed to goose her during all the chaos and get away with it.

“Now that I have been thoroughly raped in every way possible,” Clover said once everyone had stepped back. Everyone laughed and then began to take their seats again.

Zacky grabbed Clover’s arm and pulled her around the table. “I won Rock Paper Scissors, so you get to sit by me!”

“You make it sound like such a privilege!” Clover answered sarcastically.

“I’m Zacky Vengeance, it’s always a privilege to be near me!” Zacky said, pushing Clover down into a seat and then sitting down in the one beside her. Gena sat on his other side.

“Yeah, yeah, of course it is, you egomaniac,” Clover replied.

A waiter came in to ask what drinks the newcomers wanted and then he left. He took their orders when he returned, and once they got their food, Clover rose to her feet.

“I’d like to make a toast,” she announced and everyone instantly shut up. “I’m, uh, not much of a speech-giver. I just want to thank you guys for always being there for me. I want to thank you for choosing me to join the band, for taking me on this fun, crazy adventure. I want to thank you for supporting me when I made some bad decisions, for not taking the easiest route for you and just kicking me out of the family. I want to thank you for welcoming me to the family with open arms and showing me what a family really is. You guys’ve changed my life, no doubt about it. I feel like I’m finally living, finally happy, and it comes down to you guys. Thank you so much. To family and another fresh beginning.”

Everyone touched glasses and took a drink as Clover sat down again.

“Not bad for ‘not much of a speech-giver’,” Zacky teased Clover. She smiled as she unrolled her silverware from the napkin and proceeded to dig into the food before her.

Conversation came easily as the group ate. Clover told them everything that had gone on at the center, telling them of the friends she made there, the people she met, the new outlook on life she gained from her experiences there. They in turn told her everything that had gone on in Huntington Beach while she was gone.

Once everyone was finished eating, Matt got up and left the room. He came back a few minutes later carrying a white box. He set it down in front of Clover and opened the box. A cake sat inside. “We missed our lucky four-leaf Clover!” was scrawled fancifully across the cake in green frosting. Clover grinned and hugged Matt, thanking everyone for the fabulous homecoming party.

“Now, be careful with this,” Brian said as he handed Clover a knife. “We don’t want anyone’s fingers to get cut off, you hear?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Clover grumbled even as she smiled. She cut the cake and started handing out pieces. She’d never been happier to be home.