Driven to Distraction

The nightmares started again after our breakup.

They weren’t the same ones that I had after my mother died, though. These were different, but they hurt all the same.

John and I were always standing in front of my house. He would announce that he was breaking up with me and then walk away before I even had the chance to say anything. I would go after him, but no matter how hard I pushed myself, I couldn't reach him – almost in the same way that no matter how fast I ran, I could never reach my burning house to save my mother. It was a horrible, aching feeling and I’d either wake up drenched in sweat, or with tears running down my cheeks. On the worst nights, I’d wake up with both.

And I hated it.

I hated that at sixteen years old, I was still afraid of the dark. I hated that my subconscious mind was taunting me in horrendous ways and making me afraid to sleep at night. I felt like a small child, frightened of the Boogeyman or of the monsters underneath their bed. It was almost pathetic.

______________________________________________________

“Ketely, are you ever going to get out of bed?” Kelsi asked while throwing herself on my bed, looking at me.

“Now why would I do a thing like that? I have my remote, my phone, and a nice big bag of Cheetos all right here,” I said, gesturing to the items on my nightstand.

She laughed. “I see your point, but you haven’t gone anywhere since school got out. You’ve been holed up in here for three weeks!”

I shrugged. “It doesn’t bother me.” She groaned and rolled onto her back, staring up at my ceiling. I could tell she had something she wanted to say. “Go ahead.”

“What?”

“Say whatever it is you want to say, Kels.”

She licked her lips. “I was just wondering … do you want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

“It, Ketely … you and John breaking up,” she clarified.

I scoffed and shoved a Cheeto in my mouth. “No.”

“It’ll help.”

“I don’t care. I don’t want to talk about it.”

She glared at me. “You talked about it with Garrett.”

“That’s only because he knew that John was going to break up with me before it happened. It’s – it’s different,” I argued.

“It is not! Ketely, I’m your best friend!”

“I know that!”

“So then talk to me, damnit! Tell me what’s going on!”

I could feel tears prick my eyes, but it only made me angry. “I don’t want to talk about it! I don’t want to fucking talk about how John ripped my heart out of my chest because he wants the freedom to fuck any girl that will spread her legs open for him! You don’t know how that feels!” I was yelling near the end of my spiel and sitting on my knees. Kelsi stared at me with wide eyes, a sympathetic look on her face. “And don’t – don’t give me that look! I don’t need you to feel sorry for me, Kelsi!”

I watched as her eyes glazed over before she took a seat beside me, wrapping her arms around me. “He’s such an asshole,” she whispered.

I choked on my sobs, trying my best not to wet the shoulder of her tee shirt. “Should I – should I have slept with him? I mean, w-would that have made him stay?”

She pulled away quickly and looked at me, shaking her head. “No. You shouldn’t have to sleep with him in order for him to want to be with you. Ketely, John’s just a dick and he doesn’t deserve you. He never did.”

I wiped my eyes and looked down at my floor. “But I love him, Kelsi. I really do.”

She sighed and grabbed my hand. “As much as I hate hearing you say that … there’s a party tonight at his house.”

My head shot up. “What?”

“He’s having a big party tonight at nine. If you want to talk to him, you can go with me and Kenny?”

“Do – do you think I should?”

“Honestly?” she asked. I nodded my head. “Well, honestly, I don’t think you should. But only because knowing what you just told me, I hate John at the moment and I don’t think you should be the one chasing him. He should be the one begging for you to take him back.”

Although deep down I knew she was right, it didn’t matter to me. I was sixteen and my heart was aching for a boy.

“I want to go.”

_______________________________________________________

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Kelsi asked, turning around in her seat to look at me.

I nodded my head, afraid that if I opened my mouth, my voice would give my uncertainties away. She and Kenny got out of the car before I did. My legs felt like Jell-O as I followed behind them, walking to the front door.

The music was loud and the smell of alcohol was strong in the air. Although I wasn't a frequent party-goer, I imagined that this scene was typical of most high school parties. Girls and guys were grinding against each other, holding their drinks in the air, some completely forgetting that they were surrounded by other people.

“John’s in the kitchen,” Kenny told me, talking over the loud music.

I looked at him. “Are you sure?”

He nodded his head. “I’m positive. He stays as close to the alcohol as possible,” he laughed.

I gave a small smile and nodded my head. “Thank you.” I turned to Kelsi. “Wish me luck?”

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

I sighed. “I’m sure, Kelsi.”

She bit down on her bottom lip before nodding her head. “Well then … good luck, Ketely. We’ll be out here waiting for you.”

I smiled and gave her a hug before heading in the direction of John’s kitchen. I could feel my heart pounding against my chest and I had to wipe my forehead, which had already begun to sweat.

He was easy to spot. He was beaming with smiles and laughter as he talked to the petite redhead standing in front of him. His cheeks were flushed and from where I was standing, I could easily see the haze in his eyes – he had been drinking for some time.

I could’ve broken down in tears, watching him flirt so effortlessly with the girl. There was no sign of remorse in his actions, and he was making it quite obvious how much he wanted her. His hand would brush her hair behind her shoulders, and every so often he’d lean in and whisper something in her ear that made her giggle.

I bit down on my bottom lip to keep it from quivering before turning around and walking back into the living room My vision became a blur as tears pooled in my eyes and I became frustrated as I couldn’t find Kelsi or Kennedy.

People were pushing past me as if I was invisible and I felt like I was trapped in my own personal hell. I was beginning to grow hot – nasty, sticky hot – and I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. Someone else had been pushed into me and that’s when I broke.

“Watch where the fuck you’re going!” I seethed, venom in my voice.

The guy’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry. My friends did it,” he explained.

“I don’t give a shit.” I pushed past him and finally, I could see the door.

I wasted no time in going outside. I took in huge breaths of air, leaning over the railing of the porch.

I was so stupid for coming.

I was stupid for thinking that I could make John want to get back with me, when he had so clearly moved on.

I was just plain stupid.

“Morrison?”

I nearly gasped as I spun on my flats, seeing none other than John himself standing in the doorway. “John,” I whispered.

“No O’Callaghan?” he laughed.

I couldn’t help the smile that grew on my face. “Next time.”

He smiled and walked towards me, coming to a stop at my side. “I, uh, I didn’t expect you to come.”

“Kelsi invited me,” I said.

He nodded his head. “I figured.” It was quiet after that. I didn’t know what to say. “ … I knew you were in the kitchen,” he stated.

I bit the inside of my cheek. “I didn’t think you saw me.”

“Of course I did. Why do you think I was flirting with Ashley?”

“Who’s Ashley?” I asked, confused.

“The redhead I was talking to,” he chuckled.

I turned to look at him, slightly angry with him now. “You knew I was there and you kept flirting with her!?”

“We’re not together, remember?”

I shook my head, going to walk around him. “This is pointless.”

He grabbed my arm, pulling me back. “Hold your horses, Morrison.” I gave him a look. “Why did you come tonight?”

“You’ll laugh if I tell you.”

“Have you ever cared if I laughed at you before?”

“This is different, John,” I sighed.

“I’m just joking with you. I promise I won’t laugh, though,” he smiled.

“I thought – I thought that if I came here, I could convince you to get back with me.”

His brows furrowed. “But I broke up with you …”

“What does that mean?”

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you to take me back?”

“Do you want me to take you back?”

“Do you want me to ask you to take me back?”

I punched him in his arm. “Stop it.”

He laughed and grabbed my hand. “Ketely, I’m sorry. I really am. I made a stupid mistake by breaking up with you.” He stepped closer to me. “The truth is that I haven’t been with any other girls. And by that, I mean I haven’t slept with any girls. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had a few drunken kisses, but that’s as far as it’s gone. I missed you. I missed us.”

“John, if you’re just play-“

“I’m not.” He placed a soft peck on my lips. “Will you be my girlfriend, again, Morrison?”

“Only if you promise not to break my heart again, O’Callaghan.”

He smiled and held his right pinky up. “I’ll pinky promise not to break your heart again.”

I couldn’t help but to laugh as I laced my pinky with his. “I’d love to be your girlfriend again.”