Driven to Distraction

Sometimes I felt so alone that it hurt – physically hurt. I found it harder and harder to get out of bed and to function as a normal being. Sometimes at night, when I knew that my father was completely asleep, I would cry and cry hard. I would cry to the point where it became hard to breathe and to the point where this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach would begin to brew. Sometime I would think of how pathetic I was being and would sicken myself to where I would actually vomit. All because of a boy – one boy.

My father, having gone through heartbreak much worse than my own, was completely empathetic. He comforted me as best he could, but after awhile, he understood that I just wanted to deal with the grief on my own.

Kelsi tried to get me out of my bed and to be the best friend she could be, but I had no energy to do anything. Garrett called and came over, but none of it helped. And honestly, it almost made me hate myself. Here I was, letting my world end because of a boy, when I had best friends who were going to great lengths just to make me smile. And I – I was just acting so unappreciative of it all.

But I suppose it was because John had been more than just a boy. He was my first love, and that – that’s just something you never really get over. I don’t care how many years have passed, or who comes after, you never really, truly get over your first love.

You don’t forget the first time you looked at them, and suddenly had everything make complete, perfect sense. You don’t forget the first time you held their hand and how the slits in your fingers seemingly fit perfect with theirs. You don’t forget the first time you were wrapped in their arms, feeling more at home than you ever had before. You don’t forget how their lips felt pressed against yours for the first time; the electricity that coursed through your body. You don’t forget how it felt to hear them say ‘I love you’ for the first time, and how good it felt to know that you weren’t alone; how good it felt to have someone look past all of your flaws and shortcomings, and still be able to love you.

Those are things that you never, ever forget.

By the time August rolled around, I knew that I had to do something. I couldn’t keep letting the break-up destroy me, because, in essence, that’s exactly what I was letting it do. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was one of the hardest things I had to do, aside from moving past my mother’s death, but I did it. I pulled myself out of bed, opened the curtains in my window, and decided that I had to keep on going, because that was really all that I could do. Crying and refusing to leave my bed wasn’t going to make John love me again.

It took me some time, but eventually Kelsi and I spent what little time we had left with the guys – excluding John, being that we were leaving Arizona on the 20th to attend school at the University of North Dakota. It was going to be different – leaving Arizona and being away from everything that I knew, but that was why I was adamant about going to school out of state. I wanted a fresh place to start – to breathe. I wanted to leave the place where my mother had died and where the boy who I loved had shattered my heart. I needed a distraction from all the negatives in my life and North Dakota offered that. And Kelsi.

Danny had come home on the fifteenth, moving back to Arizona for good. He had finally passed the New York State Bar Exam, and would be working as a paralegal with our dad, giving him some experience before he actually leapt into being a lawyer. It was sort of ironic; he had been gone for so long while I was here, and now that he was home, I was leaving. I guess it’s funny how life works that way.

It was five o’clock that Sunday morning when I was stuffing the last of my luggage into the back of my car, shutting the trunk. I was driving my car to North Dakota, as Kelsi was driving hers. The trip wasn’t going to be nearly as short as flying would be, but at least this way, we would have means of transportation when we got there.

For a moment, I just stood in the middle of the yard, staring at the front of my house. It was weird to think that for the next four years, I wouldn’t be waking up in my bedroom, or seeing my dad’s face every day. Even weirder, was thinking about being without the boys who I had grown up with.

“You’re all packed then, K?” Danny asked, coming to stand beside me.

I nodded my head. “Yeah.” I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my shorts and turned to look at my older brother. “Take care of him, Danny. He may not admit it, but he hates being alone as much as I do.”

Danny nodded his head and pulled me into a hug, surprising me. “I’ll worry about dad, Ketely. You just take care of yourself, okay?”

“I will,” I promised.

He sighed as he pulled away, looking into my eyes that were identical to his own. “I want you to remember something.” I nodded my head and he drew in a long breath of air. “No guy, I don’t care who he is, is worth losing yourself over; worth forgetting who you are. Being a guy, I know how manipulative we can be and I’m not saying that I haven’t done things I’m not proud of, because I have. But all I’m saying is that you shouldn’t let someone else define who you are, K. You’re a lot better than that.”

I felt tears swelling in my eyes and I pulled him in for another hug, realizing just how much I hated goodbyes. “I love you, Danny,” I sobbed.

“I love you, too, Ketely,” he said, and I could tell he was trying not to cry himself.

We both turned as we heard someone clear their throat. My dad was standing on the porch, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Well don’t just stand there. Come give your old man a hug,” he said finally.

I laughed and ran over, tackling him in a hug. “I love you,” I told him.

“I love you, too, pumpkin,” he said, and when we pulled apart, I could see the tears in his eyes. “I’m so proud of you and I just want you to know that, Ketely. You’re a beautiful, strong, young woman.”

I smiled and wiped my eyes. “Thank you, daddy.”

He gave me one last hug before I felt my phone vibrate against my thigh; Kelsi was ready to go. “Call me when you get out of Arizona, so I know you’re okay.”

I nodded my head. “I will.” I gave him a kiss on the cheek and sighed. “I love you, dad.”

“I love you, too, K.”

I waved to Danny, who went to stand by my dad, before getting into my car. I started the ignition and slowly backed out of the driveway, taking one last glance at them before driving down the street. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling, although I wasn’t exactly sure why I was crying.

I wanted this.

I wanted to leave Arizona.

When I got to Kelsi’s house, I saw her parents standing in the yard, along with Kennedy and another figure that I couldn’t quite make out. We had said our goodbyes to the guys last night, so I doubted it was one of them. As I got out of my car, I realized who it was and I froze in place, my breath hitching in my throat.

Everyone seemed to notice, but no one said anything. Instead, they all huddled near Kelsi’s car and I watched as he made his way toward me, wearing nothing but basketball shorts, and a black tee shirt, his hair a complete mess, like he had just rolled out of bed.

We didn’t say anything as he stood in front of me. We just stared at each other.

“I wanted to say goodbye,” he said finally, nervousness in his voice. I nodded my head. He closed the distance between us and grabbed my hands, igniting my senses. “Ha – have fun at school, and try not to party too much. Watch out for Kelsi and those hockey players,” he stated, smirking at the end.

I couldn’t help but to laugh myself, although my heart was breaking little by little at the same time. “I will.”

He gave me a genuine smile and looked into my eyes. “I still lo-“

“Don’t,” I whispered, “please, don’t.”

His brows knitted together in confusion. “Wh – why not?”

“Because I don’t want to hear it; not now.” I let out a dry laugh. “You have no idea how much I longed to hear you say that this summer, but now – now it just doesn’t feel right. Not this way. Not when I’m about to leave.”

He hesitantly nodded his head, licking his dry lips. “I do love you, Ketely.” I gave him a hard look. “I’m saying that as your friend. I love you and want you to be happy.”

I gave a smile, feeling tears pool my eyes once again. “Thanks, John. I – I love you, too.”

He smiled sadly and pulled me into a tight hug. When we pulled apart, he pulled a CD case from one of his pockets and placed it in my hands. I arched my brows, but he just smiled, his eyes seeming slightly dull. “Give North Dakota hell, Morrison.”

I laughed and nodded my head. “Of course, O’Callaghan.”

“Ketely, we’ve gotta hit the road,” Kelsi said from behind me.

I nodded my head. I gave John one last look before walking over to Kelsi’s parents, giving them each a goodbye hug. I smiled as I hugged Kennedy and I wondered how Kelsi would cope without having him by her side.

“Take care of her for me,” he whispered in my ear, and I could hear the sadness seeping through.

“You know I will,” I said, pulling back. “Bye, Kenny.”

“Bye, Ketely,” he smiled.

I walked back to my car and once I started the ignition, Kelsi backed out of her driveway, leading the way on our long trip.

The sun was just beginning to rise and I smiled as the pinks, oranges and yellows made the world seem beautiful. I placed the CD John had given me in the player, and waited to hear what was on it.

“ See the stone set in your eyes. See the thorn twist in your side. I wait for you …”

And I smiled.

I smiled the whole way out of Arizona, and the whole way to Grand Forks, North Dakota.

Because smiling was how I was going to get through all of this.

Smiling was how I was going to learn to forgive John.

Smiling was a reminder that I needed to make myself happy.

And more than anything, happiness was all I wanted at that point in my life.