Green and Gray

Instead of letting John know about what was going on, I ignored him. Every text, every call, and every voicemail were left unresponded. I felt horrible and guilty every time his name popped up on my phone, but I kept repeating over and over in my head, “it'll be better for my relationship.” Even if I knew it was bullshit and just Landon's jealousy talking. I couldn't believe I even decided to go through with it.

I had successfully avoided John for a week, which meant Christmas was right around the corner. This also meant that Landon was leaving soon. I was indifferent to him leaving. I was still so pissed off about what he made me do, that I didn't care all that much. I was just hoping that London would fix him and he'd come back feeling generous and he'd let me see my friends. How did I get so easy to manipulate? Oh, if my mother knew what was going on, she'd scold me.

Ryder was over, watching me wrap presents when my plan of avoidance got foiled. I hadn't spent much time with my best friend since I found myself in the middle off all of my boy trouble and family drama. I really missed him and I knew he missed me, too.

“So, what did you get me, you whore?” I snorted as I folded the wrapping paper over a box of Jeffrey Campbell “Lita” platforms I knew Ryver had been eyeing. Even though we weren't necessarily on speaking terms, she was still my sister and I loved her regardless.

“Wouldn't you like to know.” I smirked and his jaw dropped.

“You bitch!” I laughed at his squeal. I had asked if my cousin in Paris had any Alexander McQueen bags lying around that she wouldn't mind giving up. She ended up sending me a brand new, never been used, black bag. I knew Ryder would love it and I honestly almost kept it for myself, but settled for the plethora of silk skull scarves she sent along with it. I hadn't stopped wearing them since I got them in the mail and I knew Ryder was jealous of them.

“What did you get for your British boy?” He asked as he went through my bags and boxes of unwrapped presents.

“We decided to not do Christmas because we haven't been together for that long.”

He rolled his eyes, “You're both dumb.”

I shook my head, sticking a big, sparkly, purple bow on top of Ryver's gift. “You're not going to find your present in any of those bags.” I said, stealing the Nordstrom bag from his grasp.

He pouted, but continued to rustle through them anyways, “What about Singerboy?” It amused me that he never called these people by their names, “What did you get him?”

I pulled the Winter Kate silk cardigan I got for my mother out from the gray bag and started getting it situated in a box, “Nothing? Am I supposed to get him something?”

He shrugged, “You guys are practically attached at the hip. I mean, I would have gotten him one. Oow, this is cute.” He extracted the sweater I got for Milo, Winter's husband.

“Well, I didn't get him anything.” I repeated, continuing my wrapping.

“Whatever, I'm not going to, like, hurt you because you didn't.” I rolled my eyes.

Two presents later, there was a knock at the door. I looked at Ryder expectantly, but he didn't move, “Uh, Ry, can you get the door? I'm kind of busy.”

He sighed dramatically, but got up anyways, “Sparrow, it's for you. How shocking.”

I rolled my eyes at his comment then looked up at my visitor. My heart stopped briefly and my mouth went dry. “Why are you ignoring me?” From the corner of my eye, I saw Ryder shoot me a confused look as he went back to sitting on my couch.

“I haven't been ignoring you. What makes you think that?” I lied.

“You haven't answered any of my calls, or returned any of my texts.”

“I've been busy.”

Ryder snorted from the couch, “Yeah, okay.” I shot him a dirty look then turned back to John.

“Is this because of Landon?” My brow furrowed. Why would he automatically assume that? Albeit the truth, but still.

“I just think it would be best If I focus more on my boyfriend right now.” I said as I got up from the floor.

He rolled his eyes and laughed bitterly, “You decided this?” I nodded, “You're a liar. Landon told me to leave you alone.”

“You obviously listened to him.” I retorted sarcastically, crossing my arms across my chest.

“I'm not going to listen to some pretentious asshole about who I can talk to!” He exclaimed, “You shouldn't listen to him either. He's trying to control you and I know you'd never let anyone do that.”

I shook my head, “It's for our relationship. I'm sorry, John, but it's for the best.”

He shook his head, “I feel sorry for you, Sparrow. You're a good girl and I can't believe you're letting someone manipulate the things you do.”

I had nothing else to say, despite how torn I was inside. I knew John was only looking out for me and just wanted me to be the best that I could be. I couldn't let his words sink in, though, “I think you should leave.”

He didn't budge, “He's not good for you.” I was listening, but not hearing what he was saying.

“John, you need to leave.” I said more sternly.

“What will happen if I don't? Huh, Sparrow? What if I never leave you alone? What if I just sit down right here,” He sat himself down in one of the chairs I had in my living room that wasn't covered in brightly wrapped boxes. “and stay here forever? What will Landon do if he sees me here? Hmm?”

I sighed in defeat, “John, just go.” I tried again, weaker this time.

“No. We're friends and I care about you. What he's doing is abusive. It might not seem it, but it is. He's keeping you from hanging out with your friends so you'll be more dependent of him. In the end, you'll be alone.”

I knew he was right, so all I did was nod and sit back down on the floor in front of the presents I had yet to wrap. They both were staring at me, wondering what I was doing, what I was thinking.

“So that's it?” John asked angrily. His voice was still raised. It was weird hearing it at that level when I knew him to not get angry and to be calm and easygoing.

“What do you want me to say, John?!” I yelled.

“I want you to be your own person and not let some British douchebag control you!”

“He's my boyfriend! And when you're in a relationship, you make sacrifices. This was my sacrifice.”

“What about him? What was his sacrifice?” He challenged me. He knew I was only making excuses. It was like he knew me like the back of his hand. I stayed quiet, though, “Exactly. You're the only one here making sacrifices in your relationship. Why are you letting this happen to you? What happened to the Sparrow in Australia that knew exactly who she was? Where is she?”

I shook my head, “Stop! I don't want to hear it, John. Just, shut up. If you care about me the way you say you do, you'll give me some space right now. Let me get my shit figured out and I'll call you.” I grabbed the box with Milo's sweater in it and angrily threw it down on a piece of wrapping paper.

He was staring at me as I angrily cut, folded, and taped the paper around the box. I was done with out conversation and wouldn't look at him anymore. Finally, he sighed and got up from the chair, “You're better than this.” He said then walked out of my apartment. I just hoped he hadn't walked out of my life.

The slam of the door echoed throughout my apartment, leaving a tense silence behind. Ryder was staring at me and I felt like collapsing in a pool of tears. I was run down and exhausted. It broke my heart knowing John was upset with me. I hated that feeling. I never wanted to feel it again.

I stuck a red bow on the poorly wrapped gift and threw it amongst the rest. My elbows leaned against my crossed legs beneath me and my face rested between my hands. I let out a puff of air between my barely parted lips.

“What the hell was that, Spare?” Ryder asked. He was being sincere and not his usual, gay self.

My eyes drifted up to him, sitting on the couch in front of me, “I don't know what's going on anymore, Ry.”

“Start from the beginning.” He demanded in a soft voice.

I sat up then, and sighed heavily, “John doesn't like Landon just because he thinks he doesn't care about me. Landon doesn't like John because he found out about our dates back in October and he thinks John has feelings for me. The other day, Landon and I went over to John's house for lunch and to hang out. Landon was being an asshole from the start, so when John, Kennedy, and Garrett left to start getting lunch together, I asked Landon what his problem was. I guess he found the picture of John and I on my phone and I don't know. The rest of the lunch was horrible and tense and they kept making snide remarks at each other. Then on the way home, Landon asked me not to talk to John anymore.”

“And you listened to him?”

I groaned and leaned back, falling onto the hardwood of my living room. I rubbed my eyes, “I wasn't going to. I was just so shocked that he actually asked me not to talk to him. But then I kept thinking about it and decided it would probably be better if I gave Landon more attention than John. I mean, I've been spending more time with John than my own boyfriend lately.”

“It goes both ways, Spare. Landon hasn't exactly been paying much attention to you lately either.” He was getting angry now. Everyone was getting angry with me lately.

I stopped rubbing my eyes and looked at him, “What do you mean?”

He sighed in aggravation, “Sparrow, when was the last time he took you out on a date? From what you tell me, it seems like all you guys do is have sex.” I rolled my eyes, “Seriously, Spare. I love you; you're my soulmate, and I know you get annoyed with me because of how I act sometimes, but right now all I'm trying to do is look out for you. I know the Sparrow I went to high school with, the Sparrow that Erika knew, would never let a guy dictate who she hangs out with. You were always independent and did whatever you wanted with whoever you wanted.”

Hearing what he was saying hit me harder than what John said. Ryder knew me much better than John did, and even though John apparently knew me pretty well, Ryder had been there through all of my past boyfriends and knew exactly how I acted.

My eyes watered with tears. I rubbed them, trying to make it seem like I wasn't about to cry. It was no use, though, because the tears just reappeared when I wiped them away, “I don't know what's going on with me, Ry. It's like I want to please Landon, so he'll stay with me. And I guess if that means not talking to someone because he doesn't want me to, then I'll do it. If all he wants to do is have sex, then that's what I'll do.” I dropped my arms to my sides and let out a sound the mix between a sigh and a groan, “What have I become?”

Ryder looked at me sadly, “I don't know, Sweets. But I do know that John probably cares more about you than your boyfriend does. What does that tell you?”

I didn't respond. Mostly because I knew what that meant, but I didn't want to face the reality of it.