Green and Gray

I didn't hear from John. I briefly talked to Garrett since he was the last one to see me at the party. It was a short conversation that consisted of him asking how I was and me lying, saying I was fine. He called me out on it, so I quickly made an excuse as to why I had to get off the phone.

On Saturday I didn't do much. L'Amour's was closed because of the holiday and I wanted nothing to do with anyone. Ryder came over at one point to bitch at me for leaving him stranded at some house he'd never been, but when he noticed how distressed and sad I was, he hopped into bed with me without a single word. These were the times I knew why he was my best friend. He could be obnoxious, but if I really, really needed him, he'd be there.

So we cuddled for a good part of the day. And even though he was dying to know what happened, he didn't push.

Sunday flew by uneventfully. I worked at the shop and sketched a few outfit designs when the store was slow. I didn't hear from John, or Landon for that matter. He was due to come home early the following day so he was most likely in the air. I didn't hold it against him.

I couldn't believe I told John I was in love with Landon. It didn't occur to me that I really did love him until I realized how much I missed him when he was away. Just knowing he would be home the next day made me feel a little better. Maybe if John wasn't in my life anymore I could be happier with Landon. My mind didn't think so; I dreamt of John all night.

I worked on Monday morning, which was a good thing because it took my mind off of things. Off of John and off of Landon. But, boy did I smile wide when I got the call from my beloved telling me he was home and he wanted to see me. I couldn't wait to get off of work then.

He met me at my place for dinner, but we didn't do much eating. The welcome home sex was amazing and he was amazing. He seemed happy which made me happy. I knew we were good together. John had no idea what he was talking about at all.

I took Tuesday off because I knew we were going to spend the day together. He had missed me, I knew it, even if he didn't say anything.

I woke up to his beautiful face and smiled. My heart took flight and my stomach was in knots. His eyes fluttered open and I smiled wider.

“Good morning, Beautiful.” He greeted with a raspy accent.

I couldn't help the words that spilled from my lips, “I love you.”

He stared. All he did was stare.

My heart began to thud in my chest. Immediately, I regretted my actions. He sighed as he sat up and I tried to take back what I had said, “W-wait. No, no, no.”

“Sparrow,” He said. Not in a sad way, but in a way that made me feel child-like.

“What?” My eyes were big and my insides were shaking.

“How can I put this?” He asked himself. Finally, he gathered his thoughts and let me have it, “Listen, I think you invested too much into this relationship.” My heart dropped into my stomach, “You're great, really. You're beautiful. But this really didn't mean much to me, really it didn't mean a thing to me.” He was so nonchalant about it.

Tears welled in my eyes. How could someone do this to someone else?

“I wasn't going to lead you on, but man, you are good in bed.”

My mouth dropped and I let out a tiny scoff, “You are such an asshole!” I yelled, “Get out!”

“Oh, come on! One more round before I go?” He was smiling like he thought I would give in, like I would fall to his feet and suck his dick if he asked me to.

I jumped up from my bed in a fit of rage, “Get the fuck out of my house! I never want to see your face again!” He was picking up his clothes quickly as I practically charged at him, “Get out.” I shoved him down my hallway, “Get out! Get out!” I screamed as he pulled open the front door.

He opened his mouth, but I beat him to it, “You are a complete pig and I hope you get an STD and have to get your dick chopped off.” With that, I slammed the door in his face.

I felt completely violated and used. Never had I ever felt that disgusted with myself. It hurt worse to know that I was so blindsided and I hadn't noticed it. How couldn't I have noticed it? I mean, really, all we did was have sex. How could I have been so stupid?

I broke down in tears as soon as I got back into my room. My chest felt empty as I heaved a couple of breaths. My heart was breaking. I never would with this feeling on anyone, not even my enemies. John was right, Landon wasn't good for me. Fuck him and how right he was.


I didn't leave my bed all day. My phone rang and chimed with texts and calls, but nothing was reaching my ears. All I could hear was my playlist of sad songs on my iPod. “My Girl the Horse” by Fences faded into Death Cab For Cutie's “Tiny Vessels.” The words hit me hard.

“You are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.”

In a fit of rage, I grabbed my iPod off of its docking station and threw it across the room with a yell. It hit the wall next to my window then fell to the floor noisily. I didn't care.

“Hey, that's a good song!” I stared at Garrett in my doorway, emotionless, not even curious as to how he got in. “Whoa, what happened?” His whole demeanor changed when he saw the mess I had become.

“I hate that song.” Was all I said.

His brow furrowed, “And that's why you look like the victim of a train wreck? I've been calling and texting you. So have the other guys.” He picked up my phone and sat down on the bed. With his feet, he pushed his shoes off and got comfortable, leaning against my headboard. I rolled onto my side and watched him, “Sparrow, you have seventeen missed calls and twenty-nine text messages. I'll skip mine because they're just a bunch of questions about how you are, why you're ignoring me, and if you're all right.”

I stayed quiet, waiting for him to read my messages. I was curious to know if John had tried to get ahold of me.

“From Kennedy: “Where are you? “You have everyone worried.” From Winter: “I'm going to kill myself if this child doesn't pop out of my vagina soon.”” I smiled lightly at the disgusted face he made after he read the message, “Okay, ew. Moving on. “Why aren't you replying? I'm hormonal and now you're on my shit list.” Your sister has issues.” I snorted. “Jared texted you asking you where you are, along with Pat. Hmm... Ryder says “How is your welcome home sex going?”” He looked down at the bed in disgust then at me.

“I already changed the sheets.”

He was still disgusted, “Dude, TMI!” I smirked. “Why have you been avoiding the world all day, Sparrow Lamour?”

I sighed heavily then moved to rest my head in his lap. Garrett and I had a strange relationship. We didn't know each other well, but he was there. He was like Ryder, but straight.

As my head rested on his thigh, his hands began to thread through my hair, “Landon and I broke up.” His hands stopped for a moment then continued. “I told him I love him and he told me I don't mean a thing to him and that he only kept me around because I was quote unquote good in bed. Prick.” I was angry all over again.

“He actually said that to you?”

“Yup.” I said bitterly.

“What a fucking douche bag. I'm sorry, Spare. That's rough and I couldn't even imagine how you're feeling right now.”

I shrugged, “I don't even want to talk about it anymore. Just lay here with me.” Nothing more was said between us and eventually his hands running through my hair lulled me to sleep.


I woke up some time later, alone. It was dark out which told me it was after five. The hall light was on, so that meant someone was with me, presumingly Garrett. I rolled over onto my back and stared up at my ceiling. The light from the hallway lit up my room just enough that I could make out the light bluish green color of my walls. My eyes were red and raw from crying and my body was sore from not moving while I slept, or really while I was awake too.

I knew I needed to get up and do something, anything to keep my mind occupied and away from thinking about the inevitable, but it was like I was paralyzed. I lied there, motionless, just blinking at the ceiling. The last time I felt that torn up about anything was when Erika died. It made me feel even more disgusted with myself because this situation wasn't like the death of someone close to you. I could see it being like that if it had been a relationship that lasted much longer than what ours did, but it wasn't. I didn't realize how much I invested into Landon.

Really though, knowing that I let myself get used like that was what really had me down. The fact that I was weak enough to be blindsided by some British asshole enough to be used as some sex toy without knowing it had me wanting to vomit. It never felt good to feel used. How didn't I see what he was doing? I couldn't even count how many times we had had sex, but I knew only a few of those times I was the one who initiated it.

But even though all of this was going through my head, John was there just as well. What would he say to what Landon did? Would he get upset because I was dumb enough to fall for his British charm? Or would he get upset at Landon for treating me so poorly? Would he be mad that I didn't listen to him when he told me Landon wasn't good? Or would he jump for joy that he was finally out of the picture? More importantly, would he even talk to me again after what happened on New Years Eve?

Slowly, I turned and looked at my phone. I didn't want to be the first one to make contact after our argument because I had more pride than that, but I just needed to talk to him. So I grabbed the iPhone and typed out a simple message to the boy who I knew was better for me.

“You were right.”

I set the phone down and waited for a reply. It never came. Instead, I heard Garrett from the other room answer an incoming call.

“Hey man, what's up? - I don't know if I should tell you – Oh, she texted you? What did she say?” He sighed at the response, “Yeah, she broke up with him – Because he was using her for sex. Dude, she's such a wreck right now, John. I've never seen her like this. She won't get out of bed and she's crying. You need to talk to her. - Dude, don't be such an ass. She's hurting right now, really badly. - You know what? Fine, be a douche bag. You're practically in love with her and she blows you off over some stupid New Years Eve kiss and you act like she killed your child or something. Suck it up, you prick! She needs you.” There was some silence on his end before a loud clank sounded through the quiet apartment. “Fucking asshole.” I heard him mutter.

I looked back to my phone, but the screen stayed black. I knew I had screwed up. My chest ached with an even emptier feeling.