Green and Gray

It rained the rest of the week. I was okay with that because it matched my mood. I was so unbelievably pissed off. I felt like such a dumbass. I'd been tricked by two guys in the span of one week. I felt like some naïve girl who had no relationship experience. I was more upset with myself than anyone. I couldn't believe I actually let this happen to me. It hurt to know that John didn't care for me as much as he claimed to.

I was truly convinced that I was going to die alone with a thousand cats. I felt miserable. I worked, came home, talked to some people through text, then went to sleep. My diet consisted of Starbucks, iced tea, and potato chips. It wasn't good, but it's all I could stomach. I knew I looked like shit, but I felt like it too. I was already pretty thin for my height, so even losing five pounds really showed. My family was worried, but I reassured them that I was fine.

It was the Sunday after everything happened and I was lying on my couch, clutching a pillow to my chest, watching that weeks episodes of Conan on my DVR. Clover was over to make sure I hadn't kneeled over and died, yet. She wanted me to get out of my apartment, but I wasn't budging from my spot. She definitely had other plans, though.

“I've been thinking.” I said as Conan shot to commercial.

“Oh, really? I hope you didn't hurt yourself.” Clover said. She was sitting in the loveseat in my living room with her arms folded across her chest. She had been trying all morning to get me out of my apartment, but like I said, I wasn't moving from my couch; I had a date with my favorite redhead.

I shot her a look and she smirked. “I've been thinking about giving up men. 2011 is all about women.” She raised one of her eyebrows at me in an “oh-really?” sort of way. “Women who walk like men.” I thought it over in my head, “Men are hot.” Who was I kidding? “I'm back to men.”

Clover laughed from where she was sitting, “Sparrow, you are definitely something else.” She shook her head with another laugh before getting up. “Okay, come on, enough wallowing, you need to get up and go experience the fresh air!” She tugged on my arm, but I let my body become a deadweight against the cushions of the couch.

“Clover, it's raining! That's not really fresh, is it?”

She rolled her eyes at me then dropped my arm from her grasp, “Fine! Just lay there for the rest of your life and mope.” I didn't care that she was upset. I just lied there as she rounded the couch and walked into the kitchen.

I had just fast forwarded through what was left of the commercials when my phone started ringing from the coffee table in front of me. I had no idea who would be calling me since it seemed like no one wanted to talk to such a “party pooper” as Ryder had called me the day before when I shot down his plea to go shopping with him.

My confusion only grew when I saw Jared's name on my screen, “Hello?” I answered tentatively. Maybe he had called me on accident?

“Sparrow!” Or maybe not.

“Hi, Jared.”

“How are you?”

I could have told him the truth and explained to him how shitty I was feeling, but I lied instead. “I'm pretty good, how are you?”

I knew he was smiling just by the tone of his voice, “I'm fantastic.” That makes one of us. “Look, I know you're probably wondering why I'm calling since I don't think I've ever called you before.” He was right. “So I'll just get on with it. The guys and I want you to come visit us.”

My eyes widened. “Visit you?”

“Yes, we're out here in bumfuck nowhere, writing and recording and we're bored as shit. We all like you and thought you'd be the perfect candidate to bring excitement.”

Did he know who he was talking to? Did he call the wrong person? Me bringing excitement? He had to be thinking of someone else.

“Jared, you do know who you're talking to, right? And you are aware of my situation with John, right?”

He sighed, “Sparrow, you need to come out here.”

My brow furrowed, “Where are you anyways?”

“Skull Valley. It's a two and a half hour drive.”

I laughed. I just laughed. I wouldn't even go shopping with Ryder, which was one of my favorite things to do, and he expected me to drive two and a half hours to the middle of nowhere to hangout with someone I couldn't even stand to look at? He must've taken crazy pills or something.

“There is no way in hell I'm driving that far to do something I don't even want to do.” Just then, my phone was pulled from my hand and Clover was speaking into the receiver.

“She'll be on the road in forty-five minutes tops. Send her the address and we'll get directions.”

I stared at my sister in shock. Why would she do something like that? Why would she agree for me to do something I had no interest in doing whatsoever?

She smirked at my slacked jaw as she hung up the call, “Go take a shower and I'll pack you a bag.”

“Clover, you must be out of your damn mind if you think I'm going to go out there.” I yelled as I sat up and she walked through the hallway to my room, ignoring me. “Clover!”

I don't exactly know how it happened, but I ended up in my Jeep, driving through the Arizona desert to the middle of nowhere. I dreaded the moment I pulled into Skull Valley.

I had fought and fought against Clover before she literally shoved me into my shower, fully clothed. Sitting in my room, wrapped in a towel, I had watched her throw clothes into my duffel bag and ramble on about how good this would be for me and that I needed to talk to John.

In a way she was right. I needed to talk to John, I just didn't want to. I didn't want to hear from him that he was with some other girl. I couldn't believe I actually caved in and went. So much for willpower. I think I lost that a few weeks back, though.

Like Jared said it would be, it took about two and a half hours to get to the place they were staying. I didn't really understand why they decided to stay at this secluded farm in the central area of Arizona, but I had no right to question them on it. The ride was spent dreading everything that would come from my time spent there, and listening to The Decemberists, The National, and belting out the lyrics to every song off of “Absence” by Paper Route. Nothing seemed to help, though. I was still nervous, anxious, and all around nauseous to see the boy who broke my heart for the second time that week.

It was around five when I arrived at the farm. The sky looked disgusting and it was already completely dark out. How fitting.

I shot Jared a text, telling him I was there then prepared myself for whatever was to happen inside. Garrett was the one that came outside to greet me, which made me feel a bit better. I knew he'd be there for me.

“Wow, Sparrow, you keep looking worse and worse with every time I see you.” He said then pulled me into a hug despite the fact that I was rolling my eyes.

“Well, I feel worse and worse every time you see me.”

He looked at me sympathetically when he pulled away, “Come on, everyone's waiting for you.”

I raised an eyebrow at him, “Everyone?”

He cracked a small smile, “Sure.” I couldn't help but chuckle.

Pat and Kennedy were sitting on a worn out couch, watching reruns of The Office, when we walked in. “Hey, Sparrow!” Pat greeted me excitedly with a wave.

“Oh, hey, you made it!” Kennedy said.

I smiled weakly at them, walking further into the house, “Hey guys, how're you?” They both nodded and replied with a “pretty good.” I collapsed into the loveseat to the left of the couch and looked around. “Where are the other two?” I asked curiously. I was hoping that the taller one wasn't there and had fallen into a ditch somewhere. That wasn't the case.

“They're in the other room, working on a song.” Garrett said once he sat down on the end of the couch closest to me. I nodded and tried to focus on the TV, but I couldn't get into it because I wasn't a fan of it, but I liked John Krasinski, so I enjoyed seeing him.

“We should get dinner started." Kennedy mentioned. I couldn't even think about food.

“Is grilled chicken good with you?” Pat directed toward me.

My stomach churned, “I, uh, ate on the way here.” I saw Garrett look at me unconvinced, but I acted as if I didn't notice.

“Oh.” Pat said, a bit let down, “Well, you can still help if you'd like.” He smiled his little boy smile and I just couldn't say no.

Dinner was underway when Jared and John made their appearance. I was stirring the rice pilaf and Pat was chopping up lettuce for a salad. Garrett was sitting on the counter next to the stove where I was at, watching my every move, all the while Kennedy was outside, underneath the patio, grilling the chicken.

“It smells good!” My heart stopped for a beat and I froze at his voice, but kept on like it didn't bother me that he was there.

“Hey, Sparrow.” Jared greeted me.

The polite thing to do was to look up and address him, but when I did, John's green eyes were all I saw. He was watching me, emotionless and all I could do was stare back at him. Suddenly, I felt a nudge to my leg from Garrett's foot which brought me back down to Earth.

I cleared my throat awkwardly then turned back down to the rice I was cooking before mumbling out a “hello” to Jared. Nothing was said between John and I. I hated when we had become, but most of all I hated that I still felt like mush around him.

“I'm going to go help Ken with the chicken.” I heard him say followed by the back door slamming and the windows rattling.

“I gave up a night of Conan for this.” I muttered to myself.


The tension was thick at dinner. Really what it reminded me of was a family dinner after the parents had a huge fight in front of their kids. I sat with them as they ate. They all tried to start conversations, but they never picked up. I couldn't believe that I let myself get into this situation.

“How is your sister doing with her pregnancy?” Garrett asked politely.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw John get up and head into the kitchen. “She's doing good. She's due any day now so she probably feels miserable.” I answered just as John came back with a bottle of Budweiser. I watched him as he put it to his lips and took a big gulp, keeping eye contact with me. He smirked after the liquid slid down his throat. I resisted the urge to drop my mouth in shock.

“Does she know what she's having?” Jared asked.

I turned and looked at him, “Oh yeah. She's having a girl.” They all nodded but didn't say anything. “So, how's Lauren, Jared?”

His whole face brightened just by the mention of her name, “She's good. She was actually telling me how much she wants to see you again. I gave her your number, I hope that's okay.”

I nodded, “Oh yeah, that's totally cool.” He smiled in response. “What about Callie, Kennedy?”

He smiled at her name just like Jared had before. I wished I could have someone react that way when my name was mentioned to them. “She's excellent. She's been busy with school, but she's happy. We're happy.”

“That's good.” I said with a small smile.

“And what about you, Sparrow?” I looked over at John as he spoke the first words to me since our fight. “Are you happy?” The air thickened even more. “Are you happy with your life? I mean, surely you must feel some remorse for pushing everyone away. You must've known you were dating an asshole.”

“John.” Garrett warned.

He ignored him, though, “I was only telling you over and over.” I rolled my eyes and chose to ignore him even though it hurt. I couldn't believe how insensitive he was being.

Pat cleared his throat awkwardly, “I'm getting up, can I get anyone anything?”

“I'd like a beer.” Kennedy said.

“Me, too.” Jared said.

“Grab me one, too.” Garrett said seemingly stressed.

“What about you, Sparrow? Beer?” Pat offered. I shook my head and said a polite “no, thank you.” Then John had to open his mouth again.

“Pat, remember, Sparrrow doesn't drink alcohol.” He took another swig, “She has this weird thing about drinking.” Everyone looked between each other, awkwardly. “I mean, come on Sparrow, not drinking isn't going to bring Erika back. Have a beer.”

All of the color drained from my face and my heart broke one more time. I knew by the look on his face that he realized how much he had hurt me. I couldn't stand being there anymore. So I stood up.

“Sparrow.” He began.

“Fuck you.” I said with as much venom as I could muster then rushed out of the room and toward the front door.

The scraping of chairs was all I heard then the sound of shoes pounding against hardwood. They all started calling my name.

“Come on, Sparrow.” John pleaded while I grabbed my purse and keys. Thank God I left my bag in my car just in case something like this happened. I ignored him and the rest of the guys as they tried to get me to stop. I wouldn't listen, though.

John followed me outside, spouting off how sorry he was for what he said. I pressed the unlock button on my keys and rushed to the driver's side door. By the time I got in, John had gotten in the passenger's seat.

“Get out of my car.” I demanded, trying to keep calm.

“No, let me apologize.”

“Get the fuck out of my car.”

“I'm not getting out.”

“John, get out of my fucking car before I hit you.”

“Hit me all you want; I am not getting out of the car until you let me apologize.” Without thinking, I thrusted the keys into the ignition and backed out of the driveway like a mad woman. “Sparrow, -”

Immediately, I turned up “Bodysnatchers” by Radiohead. I didn't want to hear anything out of his mouth when he was being such an asshole.


It started to pour down rain twenty minutes into the drive and thirty minutes in, my car slowed to a stop. Then the engine cut out.

“Fucking wonderful!” I yelled, “We ran out of gas.” I turned to him, “This is all your fault.”

“Wha-? My fault? How is it my fault?” He seemed so shocked and all I wanted to do was punch him right in the mouth.

“If I hadn't fucking met you, I wouldn't be in this position right now.” I felt tears of frustration prick at the back of my eyes, “I wouldn't feel so fucking heartbroken! Like my chest is empty.”

He seemed baffled by my confession, “What!? Sparrow, even if you never met me, everything Landon put you through would have still happened.”

I threw my hands up in frustration and groaned, “This isn't about Landon, John!” My gray eyes met his and he seemed just as confused as before. “This is about you going out and fucking some girl even though you knew I needed you.”

His mouth dropped open in realization, but he looked at me blankly, “Sparrow.” He said softly.

“I don't want to hear it.” I looked back out through the windshield into the pouring rain. “You know, I was going over to tell you that I love you. I didn't love Landon. I never really did. He just seemed easier to be with because I've never felt any of these things I feel when I'm with you. What I feel for you is so intense that it scared me. I thought that if I tricked myself into loving Landon, I wouldn't have to go through the pain of being with you and possibly not being with you.” I looked over at him, “But it hurt so much more seeing you with that girl.”

He opened his mouth to speak, but I raised my hand, telling him to stop, “No.”

“What you walked in on isn't what you think it is.”

I shook my head vigorously, “Stop.”

“Sparrow,”

“No! I don't want to hear it.” Without another word, I thrusted my door open and stumbled out into the rain. I began walking down the road, needing to get away from him.

“Sparrow, what are you doing?” He called after me.

“Walking away from you!” I yelled over my shoulder.

“I didn't sleep with that girl.”

I rolled my eyes, “Uh huh, sure.”

“Audry is an old friend from high school that is visiting from college. I called her over because I was being a dumbass and just wanted to get wasted. We talked about you all night.” I stopped walking and slowly turned to look at him. His hair was dripping wet and his clothes clung to his body. I couldn't help but think he looked gorgeous. Then he smiled and I practically lost it. “Audry is a hardcore lesbian.” He said as he began walking toward me. “She won't even go near a penis. When you walked in, I was getting dressed to go over to your house so I could sweep you off your feet.”

A smile tugged at my lips, “Really?” I asked quietly.

He nodded, “Yes.” He confirmed. “I was going to go over to your apartment and tell you how much I love you and how sorry I was for how I acted. And for how much of a shithead Landon is.” He was in front of me now.

A huge grin took place on my lips, “You love me?” I questioned, squinting up at him through the rain.

He nodded with a laugh, “Yes! I'm pretty sure I fell in love with you when I saw you at that Italian place that day we met.”

I smirked, “Did you follow me to Starbucks?”

“I'm not even going to deny it, I followed you to Starbucks.”

I smiled brightly and felt a light feeling in my chest. I couldn't breathe, but I welcomed it with open arms. “I noticed you at the Italian restaurant, too.” I inched closer to him while he raised an intrigued eyebrow at me.

“Oh, really?”

I nodded, “I didn't think I had a chance with you, though.”

He scoffed, “Sparrow,” He said as he gently grasped my face in his wet hands, “I love you.” When he said the words, I felt it throughout my whole body. From the tips of my fingers all the way down to my toes and back up to the top of my head.

“I love you, too.”

It was like a scene from a movie. We were in the pouring rain and he was kissing me and I felt like my whole body was on fire.

What started out as a gentle, sweet, loving kiss, quickly picked up into a battle or tongue dominance. We both knew where it was headed and I had no problem with it.

We pulled away and smiled at each other. Without another single word, we laced our fingers together and ran in the pouring rain back to my Jeep.