Disengage

Fidgeting with my fingers was the only thing I could do to keep myself from going insane. I couldn’t help but be nervous. I didn’t know what was going to happen in the next couple of minutes and that didn’t sit well with me. I was a planner; I’d always been a planner that always needed some sort of idea of what would happen and where I would go in the near future. It was something that drove him crazy.

I had been thinking about the moment we’d reunite for a long time. I wasn’t sure of what I would say to him even after all the time I’d given myself and that scared me to pieces. I didn’t know what to say or think and I definitely didn’t know what I would do when he came out to meet me. If he came at all because we both knew that I didn’t deserve to spend even a second with him after all that I’d done.

Leaves crunched under the weight of a person, bringing my gaze up from cobblestone beneath my own feet. And after a little more than a year, my heart still jumped at the sight of him, looking perfect as always, a couple of feet in front of me. It was obvious he was keeping his distance and he had every reason to. His very presence was enough for my words to lodge themselves in my throat.

Immediately, I stood up from the park bench. The gentle breeze blew all around us, the sound of the leaves filling the awkward silence. His gaze didn’t shy away from mine, not even for a second. I knew he was trying to figure out if this was really happening; If I was really there, standing in front of him while his record release party was going on a little ways from us. I couldn’t blame him. I’m sure the last time he saw me still burned in the back of his mind, just like it did in mine. Night after night, it was still hard to put those memories to sleep.

The years had matured him in every way possible, it seemed. There was a grown-up air to him. Maybe it was because he was dressed in dress pants and black button-up. But he still had his signature boyish qualities to him. Obviously, he’d abandoned his blazer and tie a long time ago. His collar was mussed and unbuttoned, showing me glimpses of my favourite tattoo.

His tanned skin was still the same and his hazel-green eyes were more pure. His dark hair – although shorter - was still as unruly as it was in high school. I only hoped his smile was still as sweet. I hated myself for missing his change from a simple, daydreamer to a confident rock star.

Feeling shameful, I lowered my gaze to his shoes, toying with the skirt of my peach dress. The light orange material matched the leaves from the trees all around us. I knew I probably looked like I blended into my surroundings, and for a moment, I wished that I had. It would’ve been easier to shy away from his penetrating stare.

His hands dug their way deeper into the pockets of his dress pants. One single movement brought my gaze back to him. His tired eyes showed just how much growing up he’d done since I’d left. He shifted back and forth on his feet, letting out a sigh as he looked over his shoulder to the beautiful building behind him. The music was faint but still loud enough for me to recognize his voice over the melody. Over his shoulder, I saw people inside, walking in front of the beautiful white French doors, enjoying the party. We didn’t have much time; someone would come looking for him soon enough. He and the boys were the guests of honor after all.

The silence between us was agonizing and I knew I was going to be the one to break it. I asked him to meet me here. I was the one who wanted to talk things out. I should be the one to start the conversation. Gathering courage, I took a breath and broke the silence.

“H-Hey, uhm, John,” I whispered, barely hearing my own voice. The leaves weren’t loud and the wind hadn’t picked up but the fear I had felt for all of those years about confronting him, had somehow found its way to my vocal chords.

But I’m sure it didn’t change his opinion of my cowardice, only encouraged it. John’s stare hardened, his jaw clenched; he was obviously contemplating his words. After a moment, he seemed to have thought better of them. He smirked bitterly, shaking his head and looking away.

“Hi,” he muttered back.

The coldness in his voice practically touched me, creating goose bumps on my pale skin. I furiously searched my brain for my next words. Anything that would make me feel less like a fool and hopefully keep the conversation going but I had no such luck. I cursed myself, wishing I’d prepared more but I counted on knowing just the right thing to say when I saw him. I was sure I could convince him and make everything okay again, even after all this time, because I thought the words would’ve been more heartfelt.

Gathering myself, I cleared my throat and began simple. “So, uhm, how’ve you been?”

But even I wanted to roll my eyes at myself. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted an out-of-body experience more than I did in that moment. John’s brows furrowed and he shifted on his feet, giving me a disbelieving look and I knew I had to say something else. His thoughts were loud and clear.

“How...um... how’re your parents?” I rubbed my right arm up and down to distract myself from him. My voice sounded small and fragile, nothing like the girl I’d left him to become. “I-I haven’t seen them in- “

“Fourteen months.” He didn’t even let me finish. He licked his lips and looked around the yard as though I was wasting his time before his angry eyes found me. “Are you really doing this, Avery? Right now? Fuck, after all this time – the fourteen fucking months that you didn’t bother to pick up the goddamned phone and call me or your parents or even Kennedy to let us know that you’re okay.”

It wasn’t in John’s nature to get angry. He’d always been a happy, easy-going boy. But the man in front of me was different than the John I used to know. This man was getting angrier with every word he threw my way.

“J-John,” I spoke desperately, “I’m trying now but it’s – it’s hard. Really hard.”

John bit his lip, nodding sullenly but not agreeing with what I was saying. His eyes fell from my face to the elbow I was nervously grasping so tightly in my right hand. I let it fall limp, tugging at the seams of my dress instead.

“But you came back all the way out here, went through all the trouble of calling me out here, interrupting my own release party - to talk.” He was pissed off and he was not backing down. “So talk.” He stated it so brusquely.

He met my eyes again, walking a bit closer only for me to take a step back in fear. I hated the shell of the sad girl I’d retreated into in his presence. This was not who I was and it was not who I’d become. But the guilt was eating away at me, filling me to the brim with regret.

“Go ahead,” he encouraged but didn’t give me a chance to say my piece. “Go ahead, Ave. Talk,” he demanded. “Say all the right fucking things. Make me forgive you so that you can walk back into all of our lives just as easily as you left.” His expression was serious but his voice was slow and sarcastic. He loomed closer and lowered his head, “You didn’t just leave me. You left all of us. So no, Avery, it’s not going to be as easy as you thought or hoped it would be.”

For a moment we stared at each other. I willed myself not to cry at the poison he spat but it didn’t stop the tears from welling. I didn’t want to back down and I didn’t want to back away from his stare. I had to prove my worth and prove to him that I wasn’t going to leave. That I was going to work to get him back.

But then, just as I was about to say the apology that was long overdue, John turned his back and walked down the cobblestone footpath he’d come from and re-entered through the French doors of the party he came from.

And I was left behind feeling hollow, wondering if he’d felt like this when I had walked away from him and everything we’d built together, fourteen long months ago.