Secret Admiring

I returned to school the next day not feeling brand new, but better than before. I sat in my seat in Ms. Brinkley’s class. I just sat there and existed. My backpack was on the floor beside my chair and my books were piled on top of my desk. I slouched slightly and my arms draped on both sides of me. I saw Ryan walk in and he took his seat behind me, but he didn’t say anything. I felt the color drain from my cheeks and I became light-headed once more. I couldn’t handle him ignoring him, but then he did the unexpected. He reached down and grabbed my right hand, the one closest to the wall. His fingers laced with him and he gave my hand a gentle squeeze. I looked back at him and he smiled ever so slightly. Everything was going to be Ok; he wasn’t mad at me. He pulled his hand away and opened his books.

The morning continued and it was fine. Lunch came quickly and I sat with Marla in our usual spot. She asked me how I was doing since my anxiety attack the day before and was relieved to know that I was Ok.

“That’s really scary! Do you know what triggered it?” She wondered aloud.

“No clue, but I’d rather not talk about it,” I replied.

“Oh, it’s no biggie. So guess what! I have a date to Kelly’s Blowout Bash this weekend,” she said before I even got the opportunity to guess.

“Oh,” I started. “That’s cool. Who is he?”

“I’m not saying. He’s really attractive and super fun. I think he could be my next boyfriend and I don’t want to jinx it or mess anything up.” She said cautiously, since her speaking too loudly, of course, would ruin the whole relationship.

“Oh, gotcha,” I complied. I didn’t really care too much anyway. I had my own problems to deal with; I had no idea how to deal with Ryan. I wanted to be with him so badly but it just didn’t seem right. It felt right whenever I was with, but it was like something was just off whenever things would go the next step. It was like whenever I ate fast food: the first bite or two is so heavenly but then after that, I begin to get disgusted. Marla kept talking about her upcoming date, however. She went on about how blue his eyes were, how down-to-earth he was, and how great his fit, tan torso would look without a shirt on. She kept going for what felt like an eternity but I did what I do best which was zone out.

After lunch, the rest of the day went by so slowly for some strange reason. Maybe it was because I was eager to go home or maybe it just because I had a lecture in all of my classes. Whatever the reason was, I was so glad when the final bell dismissed us and I was able to leave for the day, until I realized it was Tuesday. Volleyball practice was on Tuesdays. I sighed and began to mentally prepare myself for the walk to the gym where we had practice. I shuffled across the courtyard, looking down so the wind would blow my hair away from face so it wouldn’t whip me in the eye like it normally does. I heard a voice call out after me, but I ignored it. . Then, it called out once again and it finally got louder until it was a few feet away from me.

“Hey, slow down, Road Runner,” Ryan said, smirking at me.

“Oh, hi,” I said, beaming up at him. “Sorry.”

“Did you not get that reference?” His eyes lit up because he thought he finally made a pop culture reference that stumped me.

“No, Coyote, I loved the Looney Tunes as a kid.”

“Darn, well, where are you headed?”

“Volleyball practice.”

“I thought the season was over.”

“I play for the school and I play club.”

“Oh? So you’re like really good.”

“I’m short and I play Varsity for two teams. simultaneously I’m more than just really good.”

“Whoa,” he said as he stopped walking. “I should probably stop walking so we can have enough space for that head of yours.”

I chuckled softly. “You should come watch me play sometime.”

“Girls in spandex shorts that barely cover their butts? Oh yeah, I’ll definitely come watch.” He said as he jogged before finally catching up with me.

“You’re such a guy!”

“Guilty as charged. Seriously though, can I just stop by?”

“Sure, I don’t see why not. Lots of people come to the games.”

“Can’t I just stay with you for practice?”

“I guess, maybe, you can’t be a distraction though.”

“Lynnie, come one, when have I ever been a distraction?”

We stopped walking and furrowed my eyebrows at the thought. “Better yet, how about you just come to the game Thursday?”

“Seriously?!”

“Today’s just practice. We’re not going to be doing anything cool and I don’t really want to go anyway so I definitely won’t be impressive.”

“I always find you impressive,” he said as he kissed my forehead and we began walking again. “I know! How about I just come to both?”

“Really?”

“Yeah, sure, why not? You gave up two whole Saturdays and travelled with me to my skateboarding exhibitions.”

“Yeah, but that’s different. You were competing both times.” I whined.

“Yeah, but you still gave up something to be with me. I want to do the same for you. I want to make you feel wanted,” he paused, “unless you don’t want me to.”

“No, of course not!”

“Ok, then,” he started as he snaked his arm around my waist, pulling me close to him, “let’s go!”

We continued walking the remaining two blocks to get the gym. I brought Ryan to the court where we would be working before going to the locker room to change. I put on my practice gear and began to fasten my ankle braces when I heard the some of the girls came running in talking about the cute guy who was sitting in the bleachers. I smiled to myself and put my shoes on. I grabbed my water bottle, filled it, and went outside to check up on Ryan. He was doing fine, apparently. He felt awkward just sitting there alone in the gym but I assured him that everything would be Ok once we all arrived.

Once practice started, everything was Ok. We ran, did a little bit of fitness conditioning, went over drills, and had a small scrimmage towards the end. Whenever I could, I caught a glance at Ryan. He seemed genuinely interested and we weren’t doing anything marvelous. If that wowed him, I could only imagine what the game would be like for him. After practice, we walked back to the school lot to get his car and he gave me a ride home. He was super excited about everything and couldn’t stop talking about during the drive: the speed of the ball during the serves, my vertical jump as an outside spiker, even the digs of the libero. I smiled at his astonishment and said goodnight once we got to my house. That guy was crazy and I was crazy about him.