Love Makes You Feel

It’s a frequent misconception by fans that Zack Merrick likes to do things on his own. On the contrary, he hates being alone. That’s what he hates most in life. What he hates second most is running out of his protein shakes that he loves. And what he hates third most is being in a crowded room. But being all by himself, left with nothing but his own thoughts, is what really freaks him out. Zack constantly needs to be with either one other person, or a small group; nothing less, nothing more.

So it works out that Zack can either spend the majority of his time with his band mates and their crew (a small, tight-knit group of friends that would do anything for each other) or just with Rian Dawson. Everyone knows that Rian and Zack are closer than most friends might be, but no one intrudes or demands an explanation. Frankly, neither of them would be able to give a sufficient one. There’s no word for what exactly they are, but Rian knows one thing for sure: he’ll always be there whenever Zack needs him.

------------

Everyone’s gone out for the night, minus Zack. A week full of meet-and-greets, interviews, and performances has left him mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. While the rest of the guys chose to hit up a local bar, Zack curls up in his bunk and surfs the web. To aid in the almost deafening silence, he cranks up the volume on the music he’s listening to, head bobbing to the beat. Normally he’d have some kind of background noise – perhaps Alex beating Vinny at videogames, or Matt yelling at Jack for fucking something up yet again. But tonight there’s nothing, so Zack has to improvise.

About two hours later, Zack hears the door to the bus begin to open. He shuts off his computer, and the bus suddenly goes from being filled with noise to silence, and then to loud again as the guys continue their conversations (or should Zack say screaming?) inside the bus. They all stay up in the longue, except for one person, who Zack can hear walking back. He blushes, knowing before his curtain is being peeled back that it’s Rian. “I figured you’d be asleep by now,” Rian says, sitting on the edge of Zack’s bed. He smells like alcohol, but his pupils aren’t dilated and he seems pretty calm.

“I figured you’d be wasted,” responds Zack softly. Rian chuckles.

“I decided to take it easy tonight.”

Zack likes it when Rian decides to not get completely, out-of-his-mind drunk. Last time, he had to take care of him for hours while he moaned and puked his guts out. “I think that was a smart idea.”

“Yeah, probably was,” mused Rian, picking at a lose thread on his jeans before scooting back further into the bunk. Zack moves closer to the wall, as well, so Rian has enough room. “So what’d you do all night?” He asks suddenly, shifting his attention away from his pants to the boy lying next to him.

“Listened to music, checked my email. Nothing incredible.”

Rian shrugs. “You didn’t miss anything, anyways. Just Jack trying to get some girls’ numbers and completely making a fool of himself.” Zack is quick to point out that’s not exactly a rare occurrence, which makes Rian laugh. Zack loves Rian’s laugh. “Are you gonna go to bed soon?” Rian then asks, and Zack nods.

“Yeah, I’m spent,” he says softly, beginning to move around and find that perfect spot necessary in attempting to fall asleep. Rian watches carefully, watches how he pulls the covers up against his chin, how his toes are sticking out on the other side because the blanket is too short. The air is thick, like they both want to say something, but can’t. Finally, Zack takes a leap of faith and asks, “Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?” Rian nods like he always does when Zack asks him that question, and he slowly situates himself next to Zack under the covers. Rian lies on his back while Zack is on his side facing him, and Rian reaches up for Zack’s computer. “I don’t do too well on my own,” Zack whispers, and Rian looks away from his email and down at the nearly sleeping boy next to him.

“But you’re not alone.”

------------

They’re in a city they’ve never preformed at, and that scares Zack. He’d stayed cooped up in the bus all day, but he doesn’t want to go out clubbing with everyone, else, either. He wants to go for a walk by the river, and why shouldn’t he? He can see from outside the hotel room that the river, winding and twisting its way through the city, is spotted with small lights, and it looks lovely. And Zack is constantly sending pleading looks to Rian, hoping he’ll somehow see Zack’s anxiety and call off his plans to go to the club with everyone else. It’s not working.

Rian seems just as excited to go to the club as everyone else, so Zack decides to tag along, because at least he’ll be with Rian. And so as they walk down the street, Zack’s nipping at his heels like a lost puppy, and Rian constantly looks back at him and smiles. It should help calm Zack down, but it doesn’t.

When they enter the club, Zack stays even closer to Rian. Three drinks later, Zack is in a bit of a better mood, but he’s still not fazed. He hates clubs, yet Rian seems to be having a blast. He’s flirting with some girls, and it’s making Zack’s blood boil. He spins around in the bar chair; now facing the bar and the elaborate collection of alcoholic beverages. Zack lets his head fall on his hand, misery radiating from his body.

“If you’re that unhappy, you can go, you know,” a voice reminds him. Rian’s eyes are staring deeply into his. Zack can tell Rian’s trying to be kind, but he can hear the hint of anger in his voice. Zack knows Rian too well.

“I’m not unhappy,” Zack grumbles. Rian just rolls his eyes.

“You’re being a serious buzz kill, okay, Zack?” Rian snaps. “We’re only here for two days, so fuckin’ sue me if I want to have a good time for once.” That hurts. Doesn’t he have a good time when he’s with Zack? Quickly, Zack gets out of the seat and begins making his way towards the door. “Zack, c’mon, hold up!” Calls Rian over the music, but Zack ignores him, tears burning the corners of his eyes. The harsh wind rips past him when he’s finally outside of the club, and the sudden impact of cold air causes them to spill out. He walks with his head down the rest of the way towards the hotel.

Rian comes back to the room half an hour later. By that point, Zack has already changed into shorts and a t-shirt and is cuddled in his bed, his blanket wrapped around him like the cocoon of a caterpillar. “Zack…?” Rian whispers, entering the room with caution. “Can I talk to you?” He just shrugs. Rian sighs, knowing that this isn’t going to be easy. “C’mon, gimme some room… and some blanket. It’s freezing in here.”

Zack relents, moving towards the edge and unwrapping himself so Rian can keep warm, as well. The two boys face each other on their sides, though Zack seems to be staring right through Rian. “I’m sorry for ruining your night,” whispers Zack a few moments later.

“You didn’t ruin it,” Rian scoffs, but Zack doesn’t believe him. There’s more silence. “If you wanted to do something else, you should’ve just asked.”

“I could tell you wanted to go out, so it doesn’t matter,” responds Zack, trying his best to keep a bitter edge out of his voice.

“But maybe what you wanted to do would’ve been more fun,” Rian points out.

“I just wanted to go for a walk. You would’ve been bored.”

“Don’t tell me what I would’ve thought, Zack,” Rian scolds, and though the words come out harsher than expected, it’s still meant to be reassuring. There’s a long, semi-awkward silence, before Zack expresses a long, aggravated groan and flops over on his stomach, his face pressed into his pillow. Rian chuckles. “You’re the most overdramatic person I’ve ever met.”

“Shut the fuck up,” he mumbles against the fabric, which causes Rian to laugh again.

“Anyways, I’m gonna go get some food,” Rian then announces, getting out of bed and beginning to riffle through his bag for money.

“You won’t be gone too long, right?” Questions Zack, and Rian nods.

“I won’t leave you tonight.”

------------

Rian is moving in with Zack.

Zack’s not really sure how it came about, but here he is, helping Rian pull in the last of his boxes. His living room is littered with brown cardboard boxes, some of which are already unpacked, some that are halfway unpacked, but most of which aren’t even open. It’s stunning how much stuff Rian has.

The rest of the guys are all over Zack, asking him if Rian’s moving in means they’re going to start dating. Zack doesn’t really have an answer for them, and just thinking about it makes his stomach churn. Is it so wrong for best friends to live with each other?

“Where should I put the silverware I brought?” Rian asks suddenly, his head poking through the door to the kitchen.

“You brought silverware?” Groans Zack, standing up and walking towards the door. “I told you I already have plenty.”

“Well what was I supposed to do? Throw out perfectly good silverware?” He says, opening and closing different drawers until he finds the one with all the forks, spoons and knives. Zack watches as Rian puts his assortment of silverware in with them. They don’t match the ones Zack already has, and now the drawer barely closes.

“I guess not…” Mumbles Zack. Zack stands off to the side, leaning against the refrigerator, as Rian continues to unload his things that belong in the kitchen. Zack’s mind is moving at the speed of light, trying to find a word that could be used to describe them.

“You okay?” Wonders Rian, stopping for a moment to look over at his new house-mate.

“Yeah,” Zack reassures him quickly. “I’m fine.” Rian nods carefully, accepting his answer with caution. “I’m, uh, gonna go watch a movie in my room. Maybe take a nap.”

“’Kay,” replies Rian, and Zack makes his way upstairs. Though Zack is now living with the person he cares for most in the world, he somehow feels lonelier than ever.

------------

“Zack?” A voice says, and when Zack looks up, Rian is standing above him with a glass of water and a bowl with something hot. “I made some tomato soup for lunch, do you want any?”

Zack nods and sits up slowly, the bones in his back cracking and popping loudly. “Yeah, thanks.” His voice is raspy and water sounds excellent. Rian sits next to him and hands him the glass, which Zack proceeds to finish in record time. He begins eating the soup next, though his pace is far slower. Zack would never tell Rian, but he hates tomato soup.

“So, you feeling any better?” Rian questions, and Zack nods while blowing on the spoonful of soup he’s about to take.

“Yeah,” mutters Zack. “A bit.”

“And are you gonna tell me what was bothering you in the first place?”

“Nothing…” Claims Zack.

Rian scoffs. “Bullshit.”

“The guys were just giving me a hard time, that’s all.” Rian nods, pulls his legs up so he’s sitting with his legs crossed, and watches Zack continue to slowly eat his food.

“What were they saying?”

“Doesn’t really matter,” responds Zack.

Rian shrugs. “It matters to me.” And yeah, that was enough for all of Zack’s walls to break down. Because he said it so nonchalantly, as if Zack should have known that from the very beginning. But he didn’t.

“They were giving me a – a hard time about what we are, exactly.” His voice cracks halfway through, but besides that, Zack retains his composer.

“Oh,” Rian responds, his interest suddenly peaked. “So what was your answer?”

Zack shrugs, stirring his now merely lukewarm soup. “Didn’t really have one…”

“Shame,” mutters Rian. Zack tilts his head.

“What? What would you have said? What would your answer be?” Rage flows through Zack’s entire body. Why does it feel like Rian is mocking him?

“I would have told ‘em to fuck off. That it’s none of their business what we are.”

Zack rolls his eyes. “They wouldn’t have been okay with that answer.”

“Who cares?” Asks Rian. Zack doesn’t answer him. “Whatever we are, whatever we’re gonna be, it’s none of their business.” Zack remains quiet. “We’ll figure everything out on our own time, and what other people think shouldn’t affect that.”

“I do it, too, you know… I ask myself all the time what we are, and why… and why I’m such a fuckin’ pussy and can’t figure it out,” confesses Zack.

“You need to stop, Zack, you really do,” Rian begs. “Because I don’t know either, but you know what, it’s not a big deal. We’ll figure it out eventually, and we’ll enjoy the process. We will.” Zack nods, staring down at his barely half-eaten soup. “C’mon,” Rian says. “Lemme go make you a proper meal. I know how much you hate soup.” Zack nods, taking the bowl in one hand, gripping Rian’s outstretched palm in the other, and allowing the other boy to lead him into his – their – kitchen.