Status: Dedicated to Richard. Happy Birthday. I'm a woman of my word.
The Song of Wandering Aengus
April 26th
“Adelaide, please” I hollered as I hurried behind her down the small hallway of our shabby apartment.
“I’ll have no more of this Richard.” She said as she started rummaging through her drawers. Her curly autumn hair was tangled and wild and I longed to ask of her forgiveness. But suddenly anger came over me once again.
“Adelaide, if you would only listen to me, just once, you would see that-“
“For once?!” cut me off and turned abruptly, a pair of panties in her hands.
“Richard, I came with you…I left my house, my friends, my right sense of mind. All because I trusted you. And now look at where my mother fucking trust has gotten me Richard! Look around you at this shabby apartment. We live in Liverpool with no food, no heating system and no money. What more could you have to say to me?”
She pierced me with a cold look and stared into my eyes in search of something. I simply looked back at her and crossed my arms. I took a deep breath and said
“I’m a writer Adelaide; I do what I can… I…” I trailed off as she closed her eyes and covered her face with her hands. It hurt me to see her in such distress.
She took her hands away from her face and suddenly her expression was stone cold.
“A writer, Richard? Writing is not a career, it’s a fucking hobby. You can’t raise children off of a hobby. You can’t start a life off of a hobby. Richard…When we married, you promised me that my children would have a good life. And just how far has that promise gotten? Well I don’t even have a child yet, so there you are.”
I stood up in absolute anger and slammed the side of the wall with my fist as Adelaide continued in throwing things in her suitcase. My brain felt as if it would explode any second.
“Why the bloody hell are you packing Adelaide?” she didn’t turn to me, and kept on packing.
“Running away like always eh? Leaving me here? Well you’re wrong Adelaide. I’ll…I’ll do just fine without you here.”
I stopped there. Who was I fooling? Maybe she was right. But this time…this time I felt as if I had really found it, the perfect plot, the perfect everything.
Adelaide interrupted my thought and stood up, neatly fit her hat on top of her wild hair and picked up her suitcase, gloves and coat already on. She looked at me and said
“I’m leaving Richard” silence continued to fill the room “And I’m not coming back this time…let me know when you figure it out.” She turned to walk out the door and stopped in the door frame but didn’t turn saying
“If anything bad should happen to you…I’ll be in London. Goodbye Richard”
With that she left, and there I sat, a lonely man with nothing but his pen and a glass of brandy for survival.
So many things I’d like to say to her. I had it figured out goddammit. I would make her regret it, I would show her. This time it was real, I could taste it on my tongue. I couldn’t get the image of her leaving out of my head. Adelaide was a fire burning in the night; she was a spark on a dusty train. And now she was gone from me...the only love I had left was my writing.
Pish-posh….writing was more than a hobby. Let her think what she’d like. I took my hands out of my pockets and adjusted my suspenders. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. Then, right before I left I noticed a flyer lying on the ground outside the open doorway. I went to pick it up, curious.
Headlam Hall hotel and Spa
County Durham
4401325 73028
It had a picture of a 17th century hotel on the hills of England. Suddenly I knew where I would write my new story, it would be perfect. I smiled for the first time in a long time and ran down the hall, laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I went out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head”
I pulled up to the Headlam Hall Hotel, the windows of my bug rolled down. At a first glance it was a rather grand building with flowers strewn about the garden and the walls a deep burgundy color. The weather happened to be magnificently lovely and I took a deep breath, turning the corner of the road to park. There was hardly anyone outside of the building itself and I stepped out of my car, the wind blowing slightly. I looked around for a moment and decided I would try coming back some time later that night to check in. It seemed as if it was hardly busy, and the temperature was perfect for writing. I opened up the back door of my car to grab my notebook and pens.
I left the car parked by the building and began my stroll along the country roads of England. The sky gave off an enchanting blue color and I closed my eyes, letting the sun weave its fingers around every fiber of my body.
No outside thoughts beyond myself and nature ever entered the general premise of my train of thought. I saw farther ahead a tree placed nicely on top of a hill and headed in its general direction. The wind blew the tall grass to and fro and I let the wind currents carry me across the field in order to reach the tree.
It was a tall, rather friendly, happy looking tree. Its branches loomed over the landscape and provided just enough shade, but not so much that a chill ever crept in to the visitor underneath the tree.
Upon finally reaching the tree I took off my shoes and my neck-tie and sat comfortably propped against the solid tree trunk. The green of the grass was astounding up so close and I looked out once again the landscape, the Headlam Hall Hotel itself now in view from my position. I smiled in utter content and opened my notebook, pulling out my pen from my coat pocket and began writing. But the longer I wrote, the slower I got. The more I felt a slow, growing nothing-ness in the pit of my stomach. After much frustration, I put my pen and notebook down and covered my face in my hands. I didn’t want the circumstance to hit me…I didn’t want to suddenly discover, like I had so many times before, that it wasn’t it…..that it wasn’t going to change anything in my life this time.
The sun was still fairly high in the sky but beginning to go down. As I sat, the queerest feeling came over my entire body.
I froze in utter fear, looking up immediately in search of someone who would be watching. I saw nothing but the gentle flow of the wind in the grass.
“I went to blow the fire a-flame,
But something rustled on the floor,
And some one called me by my name:”
Then I heard it. It was a whisper, and it seemed to come from the earth itself.
“Richard” it said. A shiver crept like a spider up my spine, resting on the back of my neck creating a clammy sweat.
I didn’t dare respond, but it sounded again, this time louder and clearly the voice of a woman.
“Richard?” This time it was a question. I looked around frantically, confused and disoriented.
“It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair”
As if by pure magic, a woman appeared far out in the field in front of me. She was the most beautiful creature my eyes had ever beheld. She had long, flowing chocolate hair, and eyes of the deepest blue. Placed neatly in the waves of her hair were apple blossoms, winking in the sunlight like stars in the midnight sky. She seemed to beckon me towards her, and against my will I stood and began walking to her through the field. My mind had gone completely blank; nothing was real, or even there, to me besides her luminescent face. She had on a long white dress that practically flew around her in long tendrils of fabric. My legs moved automatically, but could move no faster than they were already moving. Before my eyes, as I got closer and closer to the woman, she began to disappear. I tried to run to her, I tried with all my might to reach her, to hold her, to embrace the angel herself.
But I watched, unable to move faster across the field, as she disappeared neatly into the clear blue sky. She smiled at me as she left and just as she was gone I reached where she had stood, tears of anguish in my eyes. I held my arms to the sky, yelling and screaming to her. She was the answer to my prayers, it was her and I knew it. And now she was gone from me before I could even behold her entire beauty.
“Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fifty years later
My aching bones called me to my bed, but as I had for as long as I could remember, I refused the call of nature, the call of common sense, and stood still in the middle of the field. The stars were so bright in the sky, and the chill of the night was near to unbearable. My teeth chattered, but I stared nonetheless, into the never ending black sky above me. As I stood there I took a glance back in time at the years, the hours, the lifetime I had wasted. The steps and walks and miles and countries and earth I walked through. The forests, the cities, and the oceans I had dismissed in search.
In search…always, always in search. Never stopping or thinking, trapped in some strange spiraling curse that sucked the color and life out of every waking moment here on earth. All up to this moment. All had been traced back to this exact, holy spot.
“Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,”
I would never stop. I would never give up. I would never go helplessly back to Adelaide, hoping for re-compensation. I would never humble myself to the shallow thoughts that others so easily gave into. I would never end this search until I found her again. Until my lips touched hers, with nothing but passion and love implied.
The wind blew again and I glanced up expectantly. I would finally be with her, where I had always belonged. All income, all wealth, all success behind me, she was the answer all along. It had taken me 30 years too discover this. But I knew it to be true as I stood here. I wondered silently how many times I had thought about her, obsessed over every millisecond we had shared in those brief serene moments.
Slowly my body began to shut down, as I had known it would. The sky above me started to become a swirling tornado, pulling and tugging. Beckoning me with an unstoppable force that I knew oh so well.
“I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;”
My shaking hands rested peacefully on my stomach as I laid down. My body stopped feeling the cold, my ears stopped echoing all my longing thoughts and my eyes stopped searching. My search was over. She had found me again and I was hers for eternity.
“And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.”
“I’ll have no more of this Richard.” She said as she started rummaging through her drawers. Her curly autumn hair was tangled and wild and I longed to ask of her forgiveness. But suddenly anger came over me once again.
“Adelaide, if you would only listen to me, just once, you would see that-“
“For once?!” cut me off and turned abruptly, a pair of panties in her hands.
“Richard, I came with you…I left my house, my friends, my right sense of mind. All because I trusted you. And now look at where my mother fucking trust has gotten me Richard! Look around you at this shabby apartment. We live in Liverpool with no food, no heating system and no money. What more could you have to say to me?”
She pierced me with a cold look and stared into my eyes in search of something. I simply looked back at her and crossed my arms. I took a deep breath and said
“I’m a writer Adelaide; I do what I can… I…” I trailed off as she closed her eyes and covered her face with her hands. It hurt me to see her in such distress.
She took her hands away from her face and suddenly her expression was stone cold.
“A writer, Richard? Writing is not a career, it’s a fucking hobby. You can’t raise children off of a hobby. You can’t start a life off of a hobby. Richard…When we married, you promised me that my children would have a good life. And just how far has that promise gotten? Well I don’t even have a child yet, so there you are.”
I stood up in absolute anger and slammed the side of the wall with my fist as Adelaide continued in throwing things in her suitcase. My brain felt as if it would explode any second.
“Why the bloody hell are you packing Adelaide?” she didn’t turn to me, and kept on packing.
“Running away like always eh? Leaving me here? Well you’re wrong Adelaide. I’ll…I’ll do just fine without you here.”
I stopped there. Who was I fooling? Maybe she was right. But this time…this time I felt as if I had really found it, the perfect plot, the perfect everything.
Adelaide interrupted my thought and stood up, neatly fit her hat on top of her wild hair and picked up her suitcase, gloves and coat already on. She looked at me and said
“I’m leaving Richard” silence continued to fill the room “And I’m not coming back this time…let me know when you figure it out.” She turned to walk out the door and stopped in the door frame but didn’t turn saying
“If anything bad should happen to you…I’ll be in London. Goodbye Richard”
With that she left, and there I sat, a lonely man with nothing but his pen and a glass of brandy for survival.
So many things I’d like to say to her. I had it figured out goddammit. I would make her regret it, I would show her. This time it was real, I could taste it on my tongue. I couldn’t get the image of her leaving out of my head. Adelaide was a fire burning in the night; she was a spark on a dusty train. And now she was gone from me...the only love I had left was my writing.
Pish-posh….writing was more than a hobby. Let her think what she’d like. I took my hands out of my pockets and adjusted my suspenders. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. Then, right before I left I noticed a flyer lying on the ground outside the open doorway. I went to pick it up, curious.
Headlam Hall hotel and Spa
County Durham
4401325 73028
It had a picture of a 17th century hotel on the hills of England. Suddenly I knew where I would write my new story, it would be perfect. I smiled for the first time in a long time and ran down the hall, laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I went out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head”
I pulled up to the Headlam Hall Hotel, the windows of my bug rolled down. At a first glance it was a rather grand building with flowers strewn about the garden and the walls a deep burgundy color. The weather happened to be magnificently lovely and I took a deep breath, turning the corner of the road to park. There was hardly anyone outside of the building itself and I stepped out of my car, the wind blowing slightly. I looked around for a moment and decided I would try coming back some time later that night to check in. It seemed as if it was hardly busy, and the temperature was perfect for writing. I opened up the back door of my car to grab my notebook and pens.
I left the car parked by the building and began my stroll along the country roads of England. The sky gave off an enchanting blue color and I closed my eyes, letting the sun weave its fingers around every fiber of my body.
No outside thoughts beyond myself and nature ever entered the general premise of my train of thought. I saw farther ahead a tree placed nicely on top of a hill and headed in its general direction. The wind blew the tall grass to and fro and I let the wind currents carry me across the field in order to reach the tree.
It was a tall, rather friendly, happy looking tree. Its branches loomed over the landscape and provided just enough shade, but not so much that a chill ever crept in to the visitor underneath the tree.
Upon finally reaching the tree I took off my shoes and my neck-tie and sat comfortably propped against the solid tree trunk. The green of the grass was astounding up so close and I looked out once again the landscape, the Headlam Hall Hotel itself now in view from my position. I smiled in utter content and opened my notebook, pulling out my pen from my coat pocket and began writing. But the longer I wrote, the slower I got. The more I felt a slow, growing nothing-ness in the pit of my stomach. After much frustration, I put my pen and notebook down and covered my face in my hands. I didn’t want the circumstance to hit me…I didn’t want to suddenly discover, like I had so many times before, that it wasn’t it…..that it wasn’t going to change anything in my life this time.
The sun was still fairly high in the sky but beginning to go down. As I sat, the queerest feeling came over my entire body.
I froze in utter fear, looking up immediately in search of someone who would be watching. I saw nothing but the gentle flow of the wind in the grass.
“I went to blow the fire a-flame,
But something rustled on the floor,
And some one called me by my name:”
Then I heard it. It was a whisper, and it seemed to come from the earth itself.
“Richard” it said. A shiver crept like a spider up my spine, resting on the back of my neck creating a clammy sweat.
I didn’t dare respond, but it sounded again, this time louder and clearly the voice of a woman.
“Richard?” This time it was a question. I looked around frantically, confused and disoriented.
“It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair”
As if by pure magic, a woman appeared far out in the field in front of me. She was the most beautiful creature my eyes had ever beheld. She had long, flowing chocolate hair, and eyes of the deepest blue. Placed neatly in the waves of her hair were apple blossoms, winking in the sunlight like stars in the midnight sky. She seemed to beckon me towards her, and against my will I stood and began walking to her through the field. My mind had gone completely blank; nothing was real, or even there, to me besides her luminescent face. She had on a long white dress that practically flew around her in long tendrils of fabric. My legs moved automatically, but could move no faster than they were already moving. Before my eyes, as I got closer and closer to the woman, she began to disappear. I tried to run to her, I tried with all my might to reach her, to hold her, to embrace the angel herself.
But I watched, unable to move faster across the field, as she disappeared neatly into the clear blue sky. She smiled at me as she left and just as she was gone I reached where she had stood, tears of anguish in my eyes. I held my arms to the sky, yelling and screaming to her. She was the answer to my prayers, it was her and I knew it. And now she was gone from me before I could even behold her entire beauty.
“Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fifty years later
My aching bones called me to my bed, but as I had for as long as I could remember, I refused the call of nature, the call of common sense, and stood still in the middle of the field. The stars were so bright in the sky, and the chill of the night was near to unbearable. My teeth chattered, but I stared nonetheless, into the never ending black sky above me. As I stood there I took a glance back in time at the years, the hours, the lifetime I had wasted. The steps and walks and miles and countries and earth I walked through. The forests, the cities, and the oceans I had dismissed in search.
In search…always, always in search. Never stopping or thinking, trapped in some strange spiraling curse that sucked the color and life out of every waking moment here on earth. All up to this moment. All had been traced back to this exact, holy spot.
“Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,”
I would never stop. I would never give up. I would never go helplessly back to Adelaide, hoping for re-compensation. I would never humble myself to the shallow thoughts that others so easily gave into. I would never end this search until I found her again. Until my lips touched hers, with nothing but passion and love implied.
The wind blew again and I glanced up expectantly. I would finally be with her, where I had always belonged. All income, all wealth, all success behind me, she was the answer all along. It had taken me 30 years too discover this. But I knew it to be true as I stood here. I wondered silently how many times I had thought about her, obsessed over every millisecond we had shared in those brief serene moments.
Slowly my body began to shut down, as I had known it would. The sky above me started to become a swirling tornado, pulling and tugging. Beckoning me with an unstoppable force that I knew oh so well.
“I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;”
My shaking hands rested peacefully on my stomach as I laid down. My body stopped feeling the cold, my ears stopped echoing all my longing thoughts and my eyes stopped searching. My search was over. She had found me again and I was hers for eternity.
“And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.”