The More You Chase It

January 2nd, 2011
[James]

“James…” I was jolted out of my thoughts. I hadn’t even opened the book in my hands and I knew it wasn’t 11 yet.

Daisy followed the sound of footsteps towards me. She looked even more beautiful now than she had that night…

“Hi Daisy,” the words came out so soft against the wind as I stood to greet her. It was strange not calling her Daize like I always did but I was struggling just to know how to act.

“You look nice,” her smile eased a bit of the tension. At least she could still be happy around me, or pretend to.

“So do you.”

There was an uncomfortable pause as the wind tugged at my jacket. Real fucking smooth Franco. I didn’t like how her eyes glanced down at her feet and not at me. Like she couldn’t look at me. She took a big breath like she was preparing to say something. Please, anything. Just say something.

She didn’t.

“Uh, want to come sit on the bench?” I gestured to the park bench beside me. I hadn’t felt this useless since high school.

“Sure.”

I don’t know why I thought sitting on a bench in awkward silence would be better than standing in awkward silence but at least it was a momentary break from it.

“I’m really sorry about everything.” I finally said. There wasn’t any getting around it. I couldn’t think of any way to build up to it so I just said it.

She didn’t look at me. She watched the ripples in the water. “I know.”

Really? That was it? I wanted so badly to know what she was thinking. What she was feeling. So I asked.

“What are you thinking?”

I watched her face. The wind picked up bits of her dark brown curls and tossed them towards her face. She didn’t flinch or move her gaze. She seemed so cold and uninviting, like I had never seen her before. It scared me. It was like she wasn’t even there. Moments passed in hours, or so it felt until she finally said something.

“I’m sorry too. I know I said some crappy things as well. I guess that night just made everything weird. I don’t want it to be like this anymore, I miss you. I want to be friends again, like we used to be.”

My hopes sunk slightly, they weren’t that elevated to begin with, because that night had been so bad for her. I hadn’t expected so many words from her. It was the most we’d spoken in months. But I was still glad she wanted to be friends. I could hold on to that. I wouldn’t lose her completely.

“Yeah, I miss you too.”

Finally she turned to look at me, her sad blue eyes contrasted with her smile. I didn’t know which feature portrayed what she was truly feeling. I tried to smile at her but I knew it wasn’t my usual smile. I wondered if she could tell.

“I’m sorry it took so long for me to come around. I know you wanted to talk sooner.” She seemed like she felt genuinely guilty which only made me feel worse.

“You needed space, I understand.”

"We still have stuff to talk about."

"Yeah I know."

She nodded appreciatively and another silence came with the blowing of the wind. Obviously neither of us wanted to delve any further into what had transpired between us. I wondered if things would ever come as naturally as they used to. Yes, she was willing to be friends still but was it actually possible? The only way to find out would be to try.

“Hey Daize…?” I cautiously tested the waters as she gazed forward in thought. A smile twitched at her lips when I said her nickname, a hint of her old self.

“Yeah…”

I sighed, here it goes, “how about we go get a coffee, then we talk?”

Maybe that would be better than this. Anything had to be better than this.

She paused for a moment. She looked conflicted. Before she opened her mouth I could almost hear her “no” in response.

Eventually I got an unsure, “Okay.”

I was getting a second chance; I thought to myself, I better not fuck it up.