The More You Chase It

January 2nd, 2011
[James]

I was used to sitting in this particular coffee shop with Daisy, I just wasn’t used to it feeling like this. It was great to finally have her attention, and be able to talk to her but at the same time it was difficult.

Across the table from me she took the lid off of her paper cup and released the steam from the hot drink. She didn’t put cinnamon in it like she always did. She also forwent the sugar and milk. I wondered if a few months could change a person that much. How much had she changed since we stopped talking and grew apart?

“So… we slept together.” Daisy started speaking, her voice soft and unsure.

I cleared my throat slightly, “yes.”

“…and we got into a stupid argument.”

I nodded, “it was pretty stupid.”

She looked up from her coffee. I took that as a good sign. And then she let a timid smile show in her lips. I took that as an even better sign.

“Pretty immature, huh?”

The statement tempted a surprised laugh from me, “yeah.”

Her painted fingernails drew invisible shapes on the paper napkin beside her coffee. Fidgeting with napkins was one of the quirks that reminded me of her.

“I’ve been thinking. We could probably manage to be more adult about this. That argument got a little out of hand. I know I said stuff I didn’t mean.” Daisy let out something between a breath and a sigh. “I mean, things happen. Mistakes happen.”

Ouch.

“We should be able to put it behind us.”

Out of the corner of my eyes I saw her nod, “exactly.”

I was staring down at the few tiny bubbles in my coffee, so small they barely looked like bubbles at all. The smell emanating from the cup was one I usually found comfort in but nothing about that moment felt comforting. Not even Daisy’s reassurance we were still friends. It wasn’t friends that I wanted. At least I was pretty sure I wanted more than friendship. These feelings were so confusing. The whole situation was. But with this conversation it looked as though all opportunity would be sealed off forever.

“And as for those things I said to you that day, I realize how they probably came off but the truth is that I do care,” her voice came to me and I could barely manage to lift my head to look at her, and even more difficult was the small smile I managed to pull off.

Something about the whole day just didn’t feel right, like it was some dream and not reality, like this version of Daisy was only what my own imagination could conjure, not the real her. But this was reality, and the person across from me, saying all these things about moving on was her.

“We both said stupid things. I obviously don’t think all you wanted was to sleep with me. That was a real jerk thing to say.”

I could remember the phone conversation and speaking without thinking. “I guess you got what you wanted so you didn’t need to stay”. There was the feeling of being a complete douche that followed it when I heard the dial tone.

“Everything happened pretty fast. I don’t think either of us handled fucking up our friendship very well.”

“but things will get better.”

“Yeah, but they’ll never be the same.”

The worse part about her statement was I knew how true and scary the thought was.