The More You Chase It

January 14th, 2011
[James]

I woke up and stayed lying in bed for an hour. I usually didn’t like lying in bed. It made me feel so lazy like I wasn't accomplishing anything I wanted. But today was different because it was the day Daisy was leaving. She said her plane would be leaving in the afternoon. Who knows how long it would be before she came back home. It seemed that this was the final nail in the coffin that housed our friendship. It was like we had become mere acquaintances and I hated that. If she was going to England we were even less likely to communicate than now.

It was even worse because I could remember how soft her lips were. Softer than any other lips I’d kissed. Then how infectious her smile was. I felt like a teenager loosing his first love, not that I was in love with her. She was just my best friend, once upon a time.

I stared at the bland white nothingness of the ceiling. A blank slate like I wanted with Daisy so we could just start all over again.

I could remember carrying her up the stairs and putting her in this very bed to sleep. Her dark curls against the grey of the sheets. She looked so peaceful. That was when I realized I couldn’t ask for a better friend in my life. I could also remembered bringing her chicken noodle soup one day when it was pouring rain and she was sick. She had been in bed all day and her hair was a mess of tangles. Her sheets were green. Lastly I could remember waking up to her in Telluride. Those sheets were white and made her skin look slightly less light by contrast. The pink and pale bottoms of her feet stuck out the bottom of the blankets that morning. I wished I could retreat into that moment and stay in the bed with her. I should have blown off all the interviews I had that day but I knew that it wouldn't have changed anything. We probably still wouldn't be friends any more but at least then the memory wouldn’t be just a glimpse. I would have felt her warmth a bit longer. I could have stayed with her longer.

A sigh escaped my lips and climbed towards the white nothingness.
Fuck.
Okay.
So maybe I did love her. But that doesn’t really fix anything. It just makes everything worse.

I could go tell her before she leaves but that would make it harder for both of us. Then again, I could just go to say good-bye. Friends do that.

The clock said it was 9am. If her plane was leaving in the afternoon, she’d probably still be home.

I jumped out of bed. I didn’t bother with a shower, there wasn’t a minute I wanted to waste. This would be the last time I would see her in a long time, and that’s only if our friendship survived her being gone so long which at this point was doubtful. I could still hope though.

I threw on some jeans, a sweater, a coat. A beanie.

It took 15 long tortuous minutes to get to her apartment but she never answered when I buzzed. I stood in the cold air and ignored all the people walking up and down the street behind me. I tried a second time, and a third, and fuck it, even a fourth. I called her home phone and she didn’t pick up. That’s when I had to admit to myself that she was already gone. Daisy Laurent was already at the airport about to fly out of my life. I sat on the stone steps and contemplated going there but I realized that would be foolish. It was done. Over. Gone. Finished.

Good-bye Daize...

***

Janurary 14th, 2011
{Daisy}

I looked at the clock, it was 9am which meant I had a few hours before I had to be at the airport. There was no food in the house so Kate and I had decided to go out for coffee and breakfast and then come home to grab our stuff and head to the airport. I got dressed in the lazy travelling clothes I had put out the night before and left the apartment. We went to a small café on the corner of my street. It was a short 2 minute walk in the cold air. I hugged my coat close as I walked. My mind was on James. I contemplated calling him or going to say good-bye or something. It was really kind of killing me the way we were acting. Throughout breakfast Kate could tell something was wrong but she couldn’t tell what. We ate quickly and I mostly just listened to her go over all her plans for England and how fun she thought it was going to be. I knew if I had never met James I would be much more excited. Why was it that the things I used to love seemed so dull in comparison now that James and I were having so much trouble? I couldn't figure it out but I hoped it wouldn’t continue once we reached England.

After breakfast we parted ways to go grab our things. In the apartment the missed call light was blinking on my land line. I didn't check who it was. If it was important they would have left a message. I wasn't taking too much stuff with me, I was going to keep the apartment while I was in England. I knew I’d be back and I didn’t want to lose this place. Plus, the accommodations Kate found in England were pretty cheap and the school paid for some of it.

One last glance around to make sure I hadn’t forgotten something made me realize my cell phone on one of the bookshelves. I almost forgot it, but I’d probably have to get a new one there anyways. The smooth screen lit up when I touched it. One new message.

From: James
Good-bye Daize, have a safe trip
Don’t forget to keep in touch

I was surprised at the wave of disappointment that fell over me. Somewhere hidden I had been hoping he would come and say good-bye but I was fooling myself. Even hours later when I got on the plane with Kate I couldn’t stop thinking about the text message James had sent me. It was so distant and so cold. Before James came into my life everything was just fine. I was content with all my hobbies and interests and classes, as well as the few friends I spent my time with. But once I met him it seemed all I wanted was him in my life. He made me happy. And as soon as I got greedy and tried to get him to need me as much as I needed him I ruined it all. Everything about it reminded me of Thoreau’s quote about happiness.

“Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder”

It wasn’t until that moment on the plane I truly understood it. James and I had worked so well when neither of us was trying, but then we started chasing something more and everything was lost.

The thought was a depressing one as the plane started to take off. I kept my eyes on the seat in front of me as we took off. I couldn’t look out the window as James and home both grew smaller beneath us.

I would just have to forget about him. This trip would have to bring me back to reality. Life would go on. It always does.