This Masterpiece Will Fall Apart

“Josline, you're going to cause an earthquake with your bouncing legs over there.” Josh told me while we were waiting on Kodiak's test results to see if he were deaf or not. Josh had Kodiak sitting on his lap, and Kodiak was looking around the room we were in, occasionally trying to grab at something that was near Josh or playing with the zipper on his jacket.

“How are you not nervous?” I asked, pressing the palms of my hands against my shaking legs.

“I am nervous, I'm just concealing it better than you are.” Josh said, turning Kodiak around so he was facing towards me. Kodiak started to whine. “So, if he's deaf, why is he making noise?”

“Deaf people can still make noises Josh. Being deaf is the inability to hear. If he couldn't make any noise at all, he'd be mute.” I explained. Josh raised an eyebrow at me. “I looked it up last night. I wondered the same thing, so I had to make sure.” Josh nodded and turned Kodiak back around in his lap after he started whimpering.

“Oh, alright! Be difficult.” Josh said. Kodiak started to play with Joshes jacket strings and was perfectly content again. Josh rolled his eyes at Kodiak and then remained quiet while Kodiak gnawed on Joshes jacket string. “What are we going to do if he is deaf?” Josh asked suddenly. I looked up from my fixed spot on the ground, raising an eyebrow at Josh.

“We're going to treat him like a normal child. Just because he could have a hearing impairment, doesn't mean he should be treated any differently.” I said.

“Well, I know that, but...” Josh paused to think. “Neither of us know sign language.”

“We'll have to learn. It'll be frustrating, but we'll have to.” I said. Josh exhaled, leaning against his chair.

“This is just a lot to take in, you know?” Josh said. Josh looked down at Kodiak and shook his head slightly. I could see he was starting to become overwhelmed, so I moved to the chair next to his and leaned my head against his shoulder. “Looking at him, you wouldn't think anything's wrong.”

“But would you suspect that I'm missing two toes on my left foot by looking at me?” I said. Josh smiled slightly. “Or that you've turned into a big softie?”

“Having kids will do that to you.” Josh said. I smiled softly and Kodiak stretched his arm towards my top lip to try to pull at my monroe piercing or my septum ring. I stuck my tongue out and licked my sons hand, and he jerked his arm back in horror. He made a strange whimpering noise and I then felt bad. “Oh, you're okay.” Josh said 'booping' Kodiak's nose. Kodiak looked at Joshes hand in amazement and I smiled at my strange child.

The doctor that did Kodiak's tests came into the waiting room and told us to follow him, which Josh and I immediately jumped up to do. The white hallway seemed to go on forever as we walked down it; my hand was clutching to one of Joshes, and I'm pretty sure I nearly broke his hand with how nervous I was. Josh and I took a seat in the doctors office and he flipped through some papers before placing one on his desk. “So, is everything okay?” Josh asked after an extended period of silence. The doctor peered at us over his glasses.

“Unfortunately, no.” the doctor told us. I clutched Joshes hand again. “Kodiak was unresponsive to any sound that was made, even the loudest one. It would appear that he does have some kind of hearing loss.” My breath got caught in my chest when he said that. I was expecting it, but it was still such a shock. Josh looked over at me, then back at the doctor. I had suddenly developed the inability to speak.

“Is it complete? Or only partial?” Josh asked the doctor.

“At this point, it looks complete.” the doctor said. I inhaled sharply, trying to fight back tears.

“Is there anything we can do about that? Any kind of hearing aid, or something like that?” Josh asked.

“I'm afraid not. A hearing aid would be pointless if it was complete hearing loss.” he said. “The only thing you really could do is teach him sign language.” The doctor turned in his chair and reached for a binder on a shelf. He took out a thin stack of papers and explained that the papers had information on teaching sign language to an infant and how to introduce other family members into using sign language. He also gave us a guide on simple words and phrases to teach Kodiak.

The car ride home was the most emotional car ride I had ever experienced. While Josh was putting Kodiak in the back seat, I was sitting in the passengers seat leaning my head up against the window. I had one of my hands tangled through my hair, and I was trying my best not to cry. Josh got in the front seat and did a double take of me before putting the key in the ignition. “Hey, come on. Everything's alright.” Josh said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“I just can't help but think I did something wrong.” I sniffed.

“Josline, you did nothing wrong.” Josh tried to assure me as a few tears slid down my face. “You can't keep blaming yourself for that.” Josh said, referring to what happened at the hospital with the twins' heart rates dropping. “But, you know what?”

I looked over at Josh, “What?” I replied.

“Beethoven was deaf, but he still created masterpieces.” Josh smiled at me. “Who says Kodi can't either?” I couldn't help but smile.

Josh had dropped Kodiak and I off at home so Josh could go pick up Autumn and Finley from his parents house. I was in the living room, with Kodiak in my lap and my laptop on the coffee table, looking through pages and pages of stories of mothers with deaf children and how they have dealt with it over the years, and when they started teaching their children to sign. I noticed the time on my computer (it was 4:50) and wondered why Josh wasn't home yet. I was just about to pull out my cellphone to call him when the front door opened and Josh came into the house with Autumn in her carrier and Finley. Finley came over to me to give me a hug and then kissed Kodiak's cheek, which I found extremely cute, and then Finley went to play in his room. Josh came over and set Autumn's carrier on the ground and took her out of it. I noticed Josh also had a plastic bag with him.

“What took you so long?” I asked.

“I stopped by the bookstore before I went to pick up the kids.” Josh said, sitting down on the couch. He put the bag down on the coffee table and pulled out a textbook like thing. “I thought we'd need it in the future.” Josh said, showing me the cover. It was a book on learning sign language. I smiled at Josh and leaned over to kiss him.

“Thank you Josh.” I smiled.

“You're welcome. I've even learned a sign too!” Josh said, rather excited. Josh took his hand and made a fist, and then made circular motions against his chest with his hand.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It means 'sorry'.” Josh said. “So, I'm sorry,” Josh made the sign again, “that I lost the car a few weeks ago.” I snorted and shook my head at him. “Oh, I also know this one too.” Josh held up his hand and bent folded down his middle and ring finger, making the sign that most people use when they're at a rock show.

“Okay, what does this one mean?” I asked, becoming curious.

“It means 'I love you'.” Josh smiled, leaning forwards to kiss me again. All I could do was smile. Leave it to Josh to cheer you up.