Just an Average Person

It’s like someone came in and scooped out my insides, like I’m totally hollow. They’ve got me on pills now, pills that they tell me will make me better, make me not want to kill myself. Why did they lie to me?! I’m so bad, I’m in too deep, I can’t stop myself. Alone, I curl on the floor and scream, so loud. I scare myself. They aren’t normal, the agonized howls of someone who knows she’s trapped. I’m hurting myself again, I stopped but I can’t. At school I slouch on the ground and dig my music into my ears, block out the sounds of so many people around me, people laughing and happy who don’t realize that every moment we spend here is a fucking hell. I close my eyes and tell myself that I’m not here, I’m not stuck, not alone, not alive. I have to force myself to not shake my head, which is a disturbing thing I can’t seem to stop. How can I laugh? HOW?! How, when I’m alone, when every waking moment stabs like a knife, when I can’t see my future? Oh god someone god. Help. Me. I retreat inside my shell, the shell that laughs hysterically at life. I can’t breathe damn it some help me. I’m breaking down nothing is holding me back no one knows me I can’t talk to anyone they’ll look at me I’m too crazy for the crazy kids. I hate being looked at, I hide myself, hoping no one I know I looking at me. I pray no one sees me, pray I’m not noticed. There’s so much to tell so much no one will know. They don't knwo no one knows I just get worse and worse and I'm spiraling I can't go on