Something Ends, Another Begins

"It wasn't over. It still isn't over," Ryan Gosling says before he starts passionately kissing Rachel McAdams.

I'm usually not one to cry violently at movies, but this particular scene of The Notebook actually made me tear up a bit. I guess that's what happens when you're sad and choose to watch dramatic, romantic movies... you just become even more depressed. That pretty much sums up my Saturday, the first day of winter break.

On Saturday night, especially since it's the beginning of two weeks off from school, everyone that I know is probably having a tremendous time at parties and admiring the snow and crisp, cold air. I, however, have spent my Saturday alone, in my room, watching movies such as The Notebook and Titanic with chocolate ice cream and green tea.

"Ali," I heard Mom say from the other side of my bedroom door as she knocked.

"Come in," I replied as I lowered the volume on my TV. When Mom came in, I immediately noticed the long, satin dark red dress she was wearing with her fancy black coat that she only wears on "special occassions". My mom's choice of clothing, make up, and wide smile could only mean one thing: she had a date with Daniel.

Ever since their first date a couple of days ago, my mom has seemed to be so much happier. For example, this morning, she was smiling and singing love songs from the 1980s while cooking breakfast. Yes, she was actually singing. If that's not a sign that you're head over heels for someone, I don't know what is. I'm still keeping an eye on Daniel, however. It's only been a couple days since I've met him and I just want to be sure that his feelings toward my mom are genuine.

"What do you think?" Mom asked, gesturing towards her outfit. "Daniel invited me to have dinner and then we're going to a little holiday party with some work friends."

"You look great, Mom." I smiled.

Mom froze for a second and just looked at me. "Have you been crying?" she asked, concerned.

I instinctively reached up toward my cheek and wiped a single tear. "Oh," I said and laughed. "Yeah, it's just the movie. It got to me this time." I pointed toward the TV and Mom saw what I was watching.

"Ah, The Notebook. A classic." Mom sighed and looked a little relieved. "Are you going to be okay here alone?"

I gave her a look. "Mom, I've been home alone before. If there's an emergency that affects my safety, I'll be sure to call the police first and then you. If there's a fire, I call the fire department first then stop, drop, and roll, leave the house and then call you."

Mom rolled her eyes. "Alright, smarty pants, it looks like I've taught you well. I'll still call you every once in while to check on you." I didn't really have the energy to argue with her, telling her that I'm not thirteen years old anymore and she didn't have to call every hour to check on me. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and a few minutes passed by before I heard her car drive off.

In case you were wondering, no, I have not told my mom about the kiss between me and Cameron. She just seems to be so happy right now with Daniel that I don't want to bother her with my problems no matter how much I've been wanting to vent out to someone. Speaking of Cameron, the whole "taking some time alone to figure things out" thing is not going so well. All I've been wanting to do all day is call Cameron and have him come over so we could hang out, just like how it was before the kiss. But, I've spent the whole day trying to figure out what I want and I have gotten nowhere.

***

About an hour after Mom left, I was searching through the movies in my room to find which one to watch next. That's when the doorbell rang downstairs. I groaned before slowly getting up from my bed. I really wasn't in the mood to speak to anybody.

As I was walking down the stairs, whoever was at the door was knocking and ringing the doorbell consistently. "Ali, open the door! It's freezing out here!" I heard a voice, which seemed to belong to Jenny, yell from outside.

Confused, I rushed to open the door. To my surprise, Jenny and Christie immediately walked inside without saying anything. "Um, come in," I said, closing the door behind us.

"Hey, Ali," Christie said with a wide smile. Both she and Jenny were wearing thick, long coats, gloves, and hats and yet they were both practically shaking from the ice cold air.

"What are you guys doing here?" I asked, trying to remember if they had called or texted me sometime during the day. By what I could remember, I haven't heard from either Jenny or Christie all day to let me know they were coming over.

"Chris and i decided to come over to your place to have a typical girls' Saturday night slumber party," Jenny said happily while taking off her hat, gloves, and coat. She was wearing pajamas that consisted of long pants and a long-sleeve shirt, along with furry slippers. Christie was wearing similar pieces of clothing for pajamas. "We didn't bother to call you because we were going to show up whether you said no or not."

Christie let out a quiet, nervous laugh. "We know that you're not going through the best time right now so Jen and I decided that we would all have a girls' night and get your mind off of things for a while."

I sighed and smiled at them. "Thanks, guys. But I don't think I'm really in the party mood."

"I figured you would say that," Christie said, setting a bag she was carrying down on the floor. "Ali, let me ask you something. What did you do this entire day? You drown your sorrows in ice cream and tortured yourself watching romance movies, didn't you?" I just sighed as a response. Jenny knew me all too well. "That's what I thought," Jenny said while looking inside the mysterious bag she brought with her. "It's a good thing Chris and I were prepared. In this bag of fun, we have old board games like Operation and Twister, terrifying horror movies, ingredients to make hot chocolate and root beer floats, and Teen Vogue, Seventeen, and Elle magazines. We're also going to order a pizza later, my treat."

"And you're going to have fun," Christie said while pointing at me and giving me a stern look.

I smiled and realized how lucky I was to have such amazing friends.

***

One horror movie and two hot chocolates later, I finally found myself not thinking about...you know who. It felt good to forget about reality for a while and just have a good time, laughing my ass off with my best friends.

As Christie, Jenny, and I were all flipping through separate magazines and discussing who's dating who and who broke up with who at school, the doorbell rang, indicating that the pizza Jenny ordered twenty-five minutes ago had arrived.

"Oh, yay, pizza!" Jenny squealed, reaching for her wallet on my computer desk. "I'll be right back." She ran to the front door while Christie and I continued to lay on my bedroom floor and read through our magazines.

Several seconds later, we saw Jenny reappear at my bedroom door with her wallet still in her hand and no pizza. She had this serious, blank expression on her face. "Um, Ali?" she said and I sat up, looking at her with a little concern. "Cameron's here. He wants to talk to you."

I felt my stomach drop and I quickly looked at Christie, mentally asking her what I should do. As if she read my mind, she whispered, "If I were you, I would talk to him. You obviously want to."

I nodded and slowly stood up, quickly preparing an idea of what to say to him. As I walked past Jenny, she gave me a small smile. I tentatively walked down the stairs. Right when I reached the bottom step, I wanted to run back in my room, hide under the covers, and tell Jenny to send Cameron back home. But, instead, I braced myself and turned to the front door. Cameron was there in front of me, staring down at his feet.

"Um, hi," was all I could say.

Cameron jumped a little, as if he was startled, and looked at me. He smiled and replied, "Hey, Ali." When I got a good look at his face, I came to the conclusion that he did not look all too well. His face looked ghostly pale (which I'm sure was not due to the frigid cold from outside since his face looked the kind of pale when people are sick), he looked exhausted, and he had dark circles around his eyes.

"Are you okay?" I found myself blurting out, getting a little worried.

Cameron's smile faded and he just stared at me with sad eyes. He honestly looked like one of those sweet, innocent puppies that you see at the shelter in dire need of a home. "Not really," he answered. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "We'll have to talk outside though. I know Jen and Chris are going to want to eavesdrop."

Cameron nodded, understanding. He turned around and opened the front door as I grabbed one of my jackets from the coat closet. After both of us were outside and I closed the door, I gestured for Cameron to sit on the small bench on the patio. I hesitantly sat down next to him. The bench was so small that there was no space between us and our arms were rubbing against each others. "So..." I said slowly, looking out onto the street in front of my house.

"This is really weird. Us not talking," Cameron said, speaking for both of us.

"I know," I said quietly, avoiding eye contact with him.

"It doesn't have to be like this, you know. We can forget what happened Thursday night and just move on."

"I can't forget it, Cameron," I told him. "Not only can't I forget it, I really don't want to."

"Then what's with you not wanting us to hang out anymore?"

I took a deep breath and faced him. "Like I said, I need some time to figure out what that whole kiss meant and what I really feel for you. I mean, just five months ago we practically despised each other and the thought of just being near you alone made me cringe. Up until August, you and I were at each others throats, saying nothing but insults to each other. Then, over the past few months, we stopped being so hostile and started to actually become friends. You've been so sweet and kind to me and I saw a completely different side to you that I've never seen before. Then, once I was starting to get used to the idea of us being friends...this happens." Cameron is looking down at his lap as I'm telling him this. "And on top of all that," I continued, "I'm still in love with Josh. I'm not over him and I don't think I ever will be. I haven't even thought of starting another relationship with someone. I need time to figure out what I want."

Cameron let out a shaky breath, which I could see because of the air. "Yeah, I know. I completely understand." He's still looking down at his lap.

"Can I ask you something?"

He looks at me, his face blank. "Anything."

"What exactly do you feel for me? I mean, what led you to kiss me?"

Cameron doesn't say anything for several long moments. He looks down again as he finally replied, "I think...I'm in love with you."

I'm not going to lie and say that I was 100% completely surprised when Cameron said this, but hearing him actually say those words made me breathe in sharply out of shock. Cameron Reeves doesn't fall in love. I've known him since eighth grade, which is long enough to know that he never has been interested in being in a serious relationship.

Cameron heard my sharp intake of breath and looked up at me. "There, I said it. Over the past few weeks, I've been growing these strong feelings for you and I just couldn't keep them to myself anymore. I've never been in love with someone before and, so far, it's not going all that well for me." His last statement is like a slap in the face for me. I look down and notice that his hands are shaking, but I don't know if it's from the cold air or this conversation. "Ali, I've never felt this way before and I'm terrified right now. I don't know how to handle it." He paused, probably waiting for me to say something, but I don't. When he realized I wasn't going to say anything, he went on to say, "You may think that I hated you all of these years, but the truth is, I didn't. When we first met I didn't intend to be so mean to you and I thought of apologizing a million times but then you started avoiding me and getting annoyed whenever I was around you and Josh so I figured I would just go along with it. I don't know if that means anything to you, but I just wanted you to know that I never truly hated you."

It was quiet between us for a while before I rested my hand on his knee and said, "I'm sorry." I don't know what I was apologizing for exactly. Maybe it was because I thought he couldn't stand me all these years or that I'm practically flat-out rejecting him or both.

Cameron looked at my hand, not moving. "You don't have to be sorry for anything," he said softly. "I should be the one to apologize for putting you through this. I shouldn't have kissed you and I shouldn't have told you all of this. I know that you still love Josh and I completely respect that. I'll give you time and I'll leave you alone for a while." Cameron quickly stood up and started walking away.

I felt tears in the corners of my eyes as I raced after him and grabbed his arm. "Cameron," I choked out, not knowing what to say next. All I knew was that I didn't want him to leave.

Cameron turned to face me with those sad, sweet puppy eyes. He stepped closer to me and one of his hands cupped the side of my face. I slowly closed my eyes and my head leaned against his hand a bit. When I opened my eyes again, I saw Cameron get closer and closer to me until he gently pressed his lips against mine for the second time. The kiss was very brief. Cameron pulled away and rested his forehead against mine as he whispered, "Bye, Ali." Then, he turned and walked away toward his car, leaving me by myself outside.

When I walked inside the house, I noticed Jenny and Christie standing in front of me, staring at me with wide, hopeful eyes. Right when the door closed, I couldn't stay in control and ended up falling to the floor with my hand to my mouth and tears rolling down from my eyes. Jenny and Christie rushed over to me with their arms around me. They didn't ask what had happened, they just sweetly told me not to cry and that everything was going to be okay.

But was everything going to be okay? Had I lost Cameron as a friend forever?