Something Ends, Another Begins

Everything that I have told you about Cameron and myself starting from when we first met to that first (and second) kiss has been going through my mind for the past week and a half. I couldn't even fully enjoy Christmas day, which was yesterday. I kept thinking to myself how exactly Cameron and I got to where we are today. I thought about how badly Cameron treated me when we first met and how his rudeness only escalated to cruelty the longer we knew each other. And, yes, I know I haven't been necessarily so nice to him either, but he started it!

I thought about how repulsed Cameron and I were to even be around each other and how we couldn't even tolerate each others presence. Josh was always the one to break the little fights Cameron and I got into and always hoped that the more time we spent together, the less harsh we would be to one another. Unfortunately, that didn't happen as soon as Josh expected. The sad part about all of that was that I never really knew why we despised each other so much. Cameron was mean to me, I was mean to him back, and it was just a back-and-forth thing that neither of us wanted to be the first to stop. However, I think that back-and-forth thing stopped (without either of us realizing it) the day of Josh's funeral, which was when Cameron and I actually started being civil towards one another. That's what led me to remember the night Cameron told me all about his dark past with his parents, before he moved and met me and Josh.

Then, I thought only about Josh and what he must be thinking right now. I feel this terrible guilt inside me, like I had just done something horrible. I feel like I'm cheating on Josh for even thinking of Cameron in a romantic way, let alone kissing Cameron...twice. I don't want Josh to think that I've moved on and completely forgot all about him because I haven't and probably never will. Is it disgusting and bad that I kissed Cameron and Cameron admitted to having feelings for me? Was it a good idea for Cameron and I to give each other a little space? Should I even feel guilty? Would Josh want me to be sitting in my room, alone and miserable, stressing out about how I should handle this whole situation? These are the kinds of questions that have been haunting me day and night.

Over the last few days, I have been trying to distract myself from the whole Cameron dilemma by focusing on scholarship and college applications. I've realized that application deadlines are coming up soon and since I could really use any kind of distraction at this point, I might as well do whatever it is I need to do to prepare for college. I know winter break is supposed to be a vacation and time away from school, but right now I feel that school is a whole lot better than lounging around the house all depressed.

College and scholarships are all I'm focusing on today, or at least trying to focus on. I'm sitting in front of my laptop in the kitchen, waiting for my tea to heat up, when Mom walks in. She still has that same smile she's had for the past couple weeks that brightens every room she's in. She's probably still in a giddy mood after last night, when Daniel came over to have a nice Christmas dinner. Speaking of my mom's boyfriend (yes, they've decided to make it official), I think I'm really warming up to him. At first I was a little cautious of the fact that my mom has a new man in her life because I don't want her to get hurt like she was when Dad left. But, after talking with Daniel last night and getting to know more about him and his life, he really isn't that bad. I just can't help but wonder why a couple in their late thirties has a better love life than I do.

"Hi, Ali," Mom greets me happily, opening the fridge. "Working hard on those applications, huh?" She peeks over my shoulder to look at my laptop screen.

"Yup," I answer, not taking my eyes off of the screen. "This scholarship right here is for two thousand dollars, but only one person can get it. So, I have to make sure this essay is amazing."

"I'm sure your essay will be great, sweetie. You're such a good writer." Mom reads the first two sentences of my essay and sighs contently. "Ali, I'm so proud of you for taking your school work seriously and making your dream to go college come true," she says as she smooths her hand over my hair. "I know Josh would be proud of you, too."

Just the mention of Josh's name instantly reminds me the Cameron dilemma. I really don't know what to do anymore and my mom has always been the one to give me the best advice. I know that sooner or later she'll find out the truth about what happened between me and Cameron and I figure now would be the time to tell the truth. I need someone else's perspective on how to handle this, even if that perspective is my mother's.

"Hey, Mom," I say slowly while closing my laptop.

Mom gives me a look as if she already knows I want to talk about something. "What's the matter?" she asks cautiously.

I sigh and run a hand through my hair. "I really need to talk to you about something. I've been stressing out and thinking about it for the past two weeks."

Mom quickly sits down across from me, looking worried. "What's wrong? Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital?"

"No, Mom, I'm okay physically. Emotionally, not so much."

"Well, what happened?"

I take a deep breath and look her right in the eye. I didn't want to stall or beat around the bush, so I say, "Cameron Reeves and I kissed about a week and a half ago."

Mom doesn't say anything for a while and seems to be processing what I just told her in her head. "Cameron Reeves? Is that Josh's best friend? The guy that was with you at the funeral? The guy that hangs out over here sometimes?"

I nod my head, thinking back to the day of Josh's funeral and how Cameron was so sweet and comforted me the entire time. "Yeah," I answer. "Cameron claims to have these strong feelings for me that he didn't even realize he had until a few weeks ago. He told me all of this the night I went over to his house to study, which was the night of your first date with Daniel, and before I knew it, we kissed. It was so unexpected and I don't know what to do."

"Wow, I have to say, I didn't really expect you to move on this fast," Mom replies, a look of shock written on her face.

"Mom, I haven't moved on. I haven't even considered starting another relationship yet."

"Well, then I guess you just answered your own question. Tell Cameron that you're not ready to be in a relationship just yet."

I sigh again and cover my face with my hands. "I thought about that already and I even told Cameron that I needed some time by myself to figure everything out. It's just..." my voice trails off as I try to find the right words to say.

Fortunately, I didn't have to say anything because Mom basically finishes my thought for me. "Ali," she says quietly, "do you have mutual feelings for Cameron?"

I turn to Mom and reply, "I really don't know. That's what is making me so stressed out. I realized that I really like Cameron and he makes me happy. However, I also think that it would be very complicated and I feel so guilty for thinking about him that way. I just feel like I'm cheating on Josh and I hate that feeling."

Mom gives me a sympathetic smile and gently rubs my shoulder. "Sweetie, have you ever thought that maybe the reason you're feeling so guilty is because you haven't gotten any closure?"

"What do you mean?"

"It just seems to me that you haven't really given yourself time to fully cope with the fact that Josh is gone forever."

"What are you talking about? Of course I have coped with the fact that the guy I'm in love with is gone forever. Do you not know how many nights I've cried myself to sleep because of the fact that I'm never going to see him again." I'm on the verge of tears, but I fight hard to hold them back.

"Ali, of course I understand how much you've been hurting and grieving. But that doesn't mean you've learned to let go of him, yet. That's exactly what closure is. You need to let go of the past and move on to start a fresh, new life. I'm not saying it's going to be fast and easy, but it will help you stop hurting and feeling guilty for having feelings for someone else. You can't keep holding on to the painful memories of the past because the intense feelings of hurt and depression will take over your life and your happiness. It's just not healthy to dwell on the past. Once you learn to let go of Josh, you can be able to understand your true feelings towards Cameron and, eventually, those feelings of sadness will disappear and you'll only think about the good, happy memories of Josh."

I just sit and stare at my mom, stunned, with no words to say. As much as it pains me to admit, but what she just told me actually makes sense. Ever since Josh died, I haven't been the same person. I used to be happy all of the time (except when Cameron would irritate me to no end) and I was always positive and optimistic. Now, for the past five months, I haven't really been anything but miserable and depressed (except when Cameron is around and takes my mind off of those saddening thoughts). I haven't even visited Josh's grave since the funeral. How am I supposed to go back to my old, happy self and figure out exactly what I want with Cameron if I'm always focused on being depressed and only thinking about Josh being dead?

I can't hold the tears back any longer, so I let them fall freely down my cheeks as I quickly wrap my arms around my mom. "I just miss him so much," I whisper to Mom, who tightly wraps her arms around me. "I don't know if I can let him go."

Mom is rubbing my back and I hear her let out a shaky breath, as if she's also crying. "I know, honey. But Josh wouldn't want you feeling this way. He wouldn't want you crying over him like this. Josh would want you to be happy and live your life without misery. He would want you to be with someone who makes you happy and who really cares about you."

After a few more minutes of hugging and crying, I know what I need to do.