Something Ends, Another Begins

My heart was beating louder and faster with each step I took on the freshly cut grass. Despite the chattering of my teeth from the frigid cold air, it was completely silent around me. The last time I was at this place was five months ago, when I promised myself I would never go to this place ever again because the pain would just be too unbearable. My eyes began to become blurry when I realized I was getting closer to where I wanted to be.

I turned the corner and held my breath as I finally came face to face with the granite gravestone that read: Joshua Bennett: Beloved son, Beloved grandson, Beloved friend. Without thinking, I fell to my knees on the ground, not taking my eyes off of the stone. There were tons of beautiful, intricate bouquets of flowers that were brightly colorful. I knew that they were from his parents, who come here practically everyday. On top of the stone was Josh's junior year picture, which was my favorite picture of him. It was our six month anniversary the same day we took our school pictures and he wore the same formal shirt and pants to our anniversary dinner that same night. I looked at his cheerful face in that picture and imagined that he was sitting right in front of me. For a brief moment, it felt like he was actually with me.

"I'm sorry, Josh," I said softly to the gravestone, a tear making its way down my cheek. "I'm sorry that it took me this long to come here and visit you." My hand reached out to brush off a golden tree leaf that had fallen on top of the picture. "I miss you so much," I continued. Everything that I had been feeling ever since Josh's funeral were suddenly pouring out of me into words. "Not one day goes by when I don't think about you and how much I want you here with me. You were my best friend and I love you. I know we never told each other face to face that we love each other but we didn't have to. I know you loved me and I hope you know that I love you, too. No matter what, you will always be the first boy I ever fell in love with.

"You know, I used to image what our wedding day would be like. I would always dream of the day when I would become Mrs. Joshua Bennett or Mrs. Aliana Bennett." More tears were starting to form, now, but I couldn't stop. I needed to let all of this out. "But, I think it's time I let go of all that. I'm not saying that I'm going to stop loving you because that that is impossible. What I'm trying to say is, it's not good for me to be as unhappy as I've been the past five months. I really want to be happy again, Josh, but I can't because I think about the fact that you're not here anymore. I only think about not seeing you anymore when I should be thinking about all of our happy memories together. If I want to be genuinely happy, I need to let you go." I took a deep breath, trying to relax before I completely break down.

"Cameron makes me happy," I said, not completely sure if it was aimed to Josh or to myself. "I know you and I never thought we'd see the day when I would say that, but it's true. I finally see why you and Cameron were such good friends and I finally see how great he is. Cameron is the only one who can help me move on and stop latching onto the past. I know now that clinging onto you and not moving on with my life isn't healthy and will not help me come close to being the person I used to be, the person you loved." Tears were now flowing down from my eyes like waterfalls as I slowly stood up from the grass. I looked at Josh's happy face and whispered, "I love you" for the millionth time.

My fingers gently grazed his cheek on the picture as I said, "Goodbye, Josh."

After several long seconds of wiping my tears from the sleeve of my jacket, I took another deep breath and walked away from the gravestone. Once I got inside my car, I didn't even start it. I just sat there, in the driver's seat, crying and sobbing hysterically with my hands gripping the steering wheel. I didn't care how I looked while I was crying and I surely didn't care who saw me. Everything was just too painful to keep inside and I couldn't wait and hold the tears until I got home. So, I spent what seemed like hours crying my eyes out, in my car, in a cemetery. I thought I already cried all the tears out the past five months, but I guess I still had some more left.

When I finally calmed down and the tears became falling less and less, I noticed the sun was going down and it was night time already. I slowly wiped the tear stains off of my face and started the car, ready to drive home. As I was driving, I realized the feeling of relief washing over me. I felt like a billion-pound weight had been lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in months, I actually felt comfortable and extremely calm. I wouldn't say at that moment that I was happy, but I know I was on the way of getting there.

Maybe my mother was right. Maybe closure was what I needed in order to be happy again.