Something Ends, Another Begins

The rest of winter break seemed to fly by so quickly before I realized the first day back to school was among us. I found myself even more nervous to go back to school than I was on the actual first day of school in August.

Of course, I never stopped thinking about Cameron and what was going to happen when we saw each other again at school. I predicted our first encounter after winter break would be extremely awkward since we hadn't talked or even texted each other for the past two weeks, not that I blame him. I still was not even completely sure what I wanted with him. I figured that once I would see him, everything would just fall into place. I was sure about one thing, though: I wasn't as miserable or depressed as I was before the new year began. After my ultimate breakdown in the cemetery, I realized that what I needed was just a fresh start and I began to allow myself to try to be happy again. I'm not saying that I'm fully back to my old happy and optimistic self, but I know I'm getting there. I found myself thinking less and less sad thoughts about Josh and trained myself to just focus on the happy memories, the ones that make me smile and even laugh to myself.

What I was also sure about was that getting on the right track to loving life again was not going to be easy unless I had Cameron and my best friends Jenny and Christie by my side. Without those three, I would have no idea what to do.

***

I was wide awake before my alarm went off, thinking long and hard about what to say to Cameron when I saw him. Should I be cool and casual and say, "Hey, what's up? How was your break?" with indifference to make it seem like I had not been practically obsessing over him for two whole weeks? Or should I say with passion, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry I completely rejected you and made you feel horrible! I gave myself a huge reality check and realized I need you in my life and I really don't want to lose you!" with some dramatic effect and even throw in a long hug to show him I'm serious?

The beeping of my alarm clock, blinking 6:00 AM, abruptly interrupted my thoughts and my hand slammed on the 'off' button. In a matter of seconds, I threw the blankets off of me and made my way to the bathroom. I can't remember the last time I was this anxious to go to school. It's unsettling, actually.

When I got to school, I had about twenty minutes to find Cameron before the bell would ring for first period. I nervously looked around the crowd of people in the hallway as I stood in front of my locker. After a few minutes of searching, I spotted Christie and Jenny walking and laughing about something as they made their way over to me with a tray of three Starbucks drinks in Jenny's hands. I was still getting used to the idea of Jenny and Christie acting like they've been best friends for the longest time. It was only a few months ago that Jenny got upset with me for hanging out with Christie and completely misjudged her. I mentioned this to Jenny after I noticed they became all buddy-buddy with each other and Jenny revealed to me that the weekend of my father's wedding, both she and Christie had nothing to do and decided to hang out and go to the movies that Saturday. After that, it's like they've been friends their whole lives. Even though I was shocked and a little cautious at first, it was nice to see my two closest friends become friends to each other, as well.

When Christie and Jenny saw me, I smiled wide and waved over at them. They returned the wave and Christie practically ran over to me to give me a hug. Jenny was still walking since she had three drinks in her hands. "Hey, guys," I said as Christie and I pulled away and I excitedly gave Jenny a hug.

"This," Jenny said, taking a cup of coffee out of the tray and handing it to me, "is for you."

"Thank you," I said, happily taking the drink.

"Well," Christie said, giving me a look, "someone is a little cheerful this Monday morning."

"Yeah," I said, as Christie pointed out the most obvious thing in the world, "you brought me Starbucks, why wouldn't I be happy?"

Christie rolled her eyes playfully and Jenny giggled. "No, seriously, Ali, you seem a lot better than you did a couple weeks ago."

I smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I feel better." They both looked at me, waiting for some explanation. I sighed and told them about my mother's advice on closure and my long, major emotional breakdown and how I was ready to start being my old self again. Just as I finished explaining, I saw Cameron in the corner of my eye, heading toward his locker. Jenny and Christie followed my gaze and looked at Cameron, as well.

"You need to talk to him, like now," Christie whispered to me.

Just the sight of Cameron made me speechless. "I don't even have an idea of what I would say to him," I whispered back, panicking.

"Just say something," Jenny chimed in. "Even if it's just a casual 'hello'. Anything is better than not saying anything at all and making things between you guys even more awkward."

I stood frozen, just staring at Cameron take textbooks out of his locker. Crap, what do I do?! Do I go up to him and act casual, depressed, vulnerable, lonely? Should I just run the opposite direction and hide in the bathroom? That seems easier, I'll just do that! I was about to turn and run in the opposite direction, but Christie and Jenny took a hold of each of my arms and turned me back to Cameron. Without saying anything, they pushed me forward until I was walking toward Cameron on my own. There were about a zillion butterflies which were flying as if they were on tons of caffeine in my stomach. It took Cameron about fifteen seconds to realize I was standing right next to him, still trying to figure out what to say.

He finally looked at me with a stunned expression on his face. That was when I got a good, close look at the stubble that was beginning to grow on the sides of his face. I also noticed that his hair looked slightly shorter. It still was a lttle shaggy, but now had more of an Andrew Garfield style to it. He also wasn't wearing his lip ring anymore, either. Cameron didn't look like a young, cute high school boy anymore; he now looked like a grown, handsome man.

I seemed to have lost my train of thought as I focused on Cameron's sudden little transformation and didn't realize he was just standing there, looking at me blankly. "Ali," he said softly, bringing me back to Earth.

"Huh? Oh! Sorry," I said, feeling my cheeks flush with embarrassment. Cameron was waiting for me to say something else and it was obvious he wasn't going to be the first to talk. "Um, hi," I said stupidly, with an idiotic smile. I hate myself.

"Hey," Cameron said, with very little enthusiasm or even emotion. It was just a flat, monotone, blank "Hey", which was enough to make me feel like I was punched in the stomach.

My smile quickly faded as I looked down at my boots. As I looked up, I began to say, "I think we should---" but the bell cut me off.

Cameron turned away from me and shut his locker. "I have to go to class," he said, still with no emotion. "I guess I'll see you...whenever." He didn't even look at me a second time before he turned his back to me and walked away. I just stood at his locker, watching him walk away like some awe-struck idiot. Man, I really did it this time, didn't I?

***

Cameron seemed to avoid me the entire day at school. When he saw me in the hallway, he turned away and walked another direction. The same goes for lunch, when we saw each other in the cafeteria. My guilt and anxiousness gradually turned into anger and annoyance. I didn't care if he didn't want to talk to me, but I sure as hell was going to talk to him, no matter what. So that's why, after school, I decided to stop by Cameron's house for a quick chat and hoped I would slap him for being so rude.

I ended up going to Cameron's house later than I thought because I spent about an hour driving around his block. I know that sounds stalker-ish and creepy but, trust me, I wasn't being any of those things. I was just trying to come up with some plan of how I would approach him, (more importantly) what I would say, and how I would end the conversation. Once I got some kind of idea, I finally pulled up into Cameron's driveway.

I knocked on the front door three times and waited patiently. After several seconds of no response, I was about to knock again but right when my hand reached up, the door quickly opened, revealing Cameron on the other side. His mouth turned into a straight, thin line when he saw me. He leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms over his chest. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes at his greeting and mimicked his stance. "I'm doing great, Cameron," I answered sarcastically, "thank you for being so kind to ask. And yes, I would love to come inside." I gently shoved him out of the way, not that he made any effort to fight back, and walked inside the house. I heard him let out a loud, exasperated sigh and close the door behind us. I took off my jacket and set it on the kitchen counter, along with my purse. When I turned around, I saw him leaning against the fridge, just looking at me with an irritated facial expression. I waited for him to say something, but he seemed pretty consistent with keeping quiet.

Annoyed, I ran a hand through my hair and said as quietly as I could without raising my voice, "Wow, you are so irritating."

Cameron raised his eyebrows at this, shocked mixed with a little anger. Finally, some emotion. But, it wasn't the emotion I wanted from him. "I'm the irritating one? Did you hit your head during break and forget everything you told me two weeks ago?" He paused briefly before continuing, "You specifically told me that you needed time alone to figure out whatever it is you needed figured out and to basically stop talking to you. I'm giving you exactly that, Ali. No matter how much I wanted to, I didn't call or text you this whole time because I thought that's what you wanted. Now, you come storming into my house and getting mad at me for giving you what you want?"

My anger slowly melted away when I realized I had no right to be angry with him. He's completely right. I was being the biggest hypocrite and I didn't even notice it. I slowly leaned against the back of the chair I was standing next to and avoided eye contact with Cameron. "I'm sorry," I said so quietly it almost sounded like a whisper. "I know what I said, but...I missed you. I miss how things used to be between us. I miss hanging out with you and feeling like I could talk to you about anything. Now, I feel like we're back to where we were five months ago and we're trying our best to stay out of each other's way which, I realize now, I don't want."

Cameron studied my face for a while, a pained expression on his face. He looked defeated and hopeless as he said, "I'm getting really tired of this, Ali. I practically pour my heart out to you and tell you you're the first girl I've ever had feelings for, you shoot me down, and now you're saying you want to go back to how things were. I really don't know what you want me to do."

I took a deep breath and replied, "Look, I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with and that I can do some pretty stupid and confusing things. It's just...after we kissed, I got scared. I was scared because, right after that kiss, I began to feel something for you that I've only felt with one other person in my life. Now, that person is gone and he left me." I started to shake, silently telling myself not to cry. "The thought of that happening again terrifies me. Then, a few days ago, I learned that if I ever want to be happy again, I can't cling on the past. I learned to let go of the sadness and remorse because I want to know how it feels to be happy again. That's why I told you I needed time to sort things out. You make me happy, Cameron. And if you weren't in my life, I don't know what I would do. If something bad happened between us and I lost you---"

"Ali," Cameron said, softly but abruptly, as he slowly walked towards me. He gently placed one hand on my arm and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. "You can't lose me, ever. Do you understand that? Whether we're together or not, I'm going to take care of you."

I smiled a little and looked into his eyes. "I now know what I want," I said. He didn't say it, but he gave me a look that basically asked, "What do you want?" I didn't need any words to answer him, because I reached up, touching the side of his face (feeling the stubble underneath my fingers) and pulled his face down so his lips can meet mine. Cameron stiffened for a few moments, but when he realized I wasn't pulling away and that I was serious, he grew more confident and relaxed a little. His hands slid down to my waist and pulled me closer to him as he deepened the kiss.

When I finally brought myself to pull away from him, I whispered, trying to catch my breath, "I want to be with you, if that wasn't obvious already."

Cameron's eyes lit up. "Are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? I don't want you to wake up one morning and think you made a huge mistake or just randomly deciding---"

It was my turn to cut him off. "You're rambling," I pointed out, trying not to laugh. "I'm positively sure I want to be with you, Cameron. Just..." my voice trailed off for a brief moment, "...please don't break my heart."

Cameron's smile faded and his expression suddenly turned serious. He looked me right in the eyes and said, "I won't. I couldn't. I promise you."

I smiled up at him, knowing he was completely serious, and kissed him again.